Finding a relationship - random happenstance or strategic planning?

[Glib Gurl]

So I'm reading You Lost Him at Hello: From Dating to "I Do" - Secrets from One of America's Top Dating Coaches. She said something that really struck me...

The more you want and crave a relationship, the more you will have to stick to a strict dating strategy to avoid having your emotions cloud your judgment and lead you in the wrong direction....You need a strategy to get anywhere in life. If you wanted to start a business, you would need a business strategy. If you wanted to lose weight, you would have a diet strategy. If you wanted to get your finances in order, buy a new house, land a new job, you would need a strategy! So why is dating any different?...You would never say something like, "I want to find a new job but I am not going to think too much about it. I'm sure an opportunity will just come my way when I least expect it." Or "I will go with the flow on this interview and let whatever happens happen." Yet this is what most women do when they are dating. They expect love just to happen, like in the movies. A man will see them across a crowded room, be awestruck by their beauty, and court them with flowers, candy, and the occasional love poem....Well this is real life and not a "rom-com." In real life you have to be smart and savvy to get what you want.

BOOM!

I really think that part of what has been holding me back is that I feel that others (particularly Beckys ) have been able to just stumble into long-lasting, fulfilling relationships and that it's been my plight to struggle and suffer through this process. Even if others HAVE had an easy go of it, I'm not them and they're not me. So, I need a strategy (and this book is not making me feel ashamed of having one).

I'm just wondering - in your experience or based on your observation, do most solid relationships result from random happenstance or strategic planning?

 

[jessicarabbit]

I'll be watching this thread. I'm interested.
It seems all my relationships started from friendships.

 

[NinasLongAmbition]

I haven't had a serious relationship yet, or luck in the love department . I will be stalking this thread.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I believe my attitude is similar to the one she's criticizing lol.

I've always expected to have opportunities and men out there ready to adore me. Apart from if I was going through a hermit stage (ain't gonna find a man under the bed ), I always felt that if I want a good, loving bf that I'm attracted to I can have one. Within a reasonable amount of time.

It's worked for me so far in life but I'm not sure if it would serve me If I became single whilst older. I may become much more strategic than I have been in the past If I end up single in my late 30's, and 40's.

 

[SmileyNY]

The rotation worked for me

Fairytales are for movies

I'm not saying a man can't just fall from th sky into your lap... Im just saying, most likely, a man is not going to just fall fall from the sky into your lap

 

[natural in ATL]

I think it's best to have both.

When I met my husband, the only strategic thing I'd done was proclaim (to my mother - LOL) that I wasn't going to date just for fun anymore. I said this to her about one month before I met the love of my life. I was also reading a book about "meeting the one", but had only gotten through a couple of chapters.

At the same time, I had the outlook at Sumra mentioned, where I truly believed and trusted that I would meet a great man who would be my perfect match. Our meeting was very happenstance, but at the same time I had done a little thinking about my future so I was ready to make the most of the opportunity.

 

[CaraWalker]

i do what i want.

when something isnt working i switch it up.

the inherent flaw in dating books and dating advice is that it prevents a person from understanding and following their intuition because theyre too busy trying to stick to the instructions.

 

[Glib Gurl]

the inherent flaw in dating books and dating advice is that it prevents a person from understanding and following their intuition because theyre too busy trying to stick to the instructions.

THAT is a real truth and something that I'm learning ... when it comes not just to dating books but dating advice in general...eat the fish, spit out the bones.

 

[LiftedUp]

I'm an advocate for being yourself. The only strategy I use is what is in the bottom quote:

A man will see them across a crowded room, be awestruck by their beauty, and court them with flowers, candy, and the occasional love poem....

It works for me.

Why are we trying to take away all the work from men though?

 

[Prettymetty]

It has always been random. I didn't plan for my honey to walk into my job and...I didn't have any control over how attractive he was...

I have never "planned" to get a boyfriend. I have had 3 serious relationships. The thing they all had in common was that I met all 3 at work. My ex girl worked with me at a restaurant. My ex husband was one if my bar customers who just randomly asked me out one night. My current honey was one of my trainees years ago. We started as friends, because we had so much in common. Now we are inseparable.

Eta: My husband and I work for the same company, but different locations and different schedules. That seems pretty random to me. It's not like I met him on an online dating site. That is an example of strategic planning. Also matches made by friends/family=strategic planning.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I'll be watching this thread. I'm curious about the answers.

The best connections I've had with men have been pure happenstance. I didn't have any control over how I met them, it was random. All I had to do is be myself and the rest took care of itself. The only strategy I'd say I have now has more to do with the kind of men I'm meeting.

So I think you need both.

 

[emada]

I agree with having both. On the one hand, you can't expect a man to randomly wander into your home, but on the other you have to be somewhat discriminating of who you chose. For me, what it came down to was really figuring what I will or will not tolerate in a partner; this is your strategy. Don't waste time dating the cute guy who has no ambition and who treats you badly. The randomness comes from being open to getting to know someone who may not fit your ideal physically, or someone who comes from a different background than you would expect. It's a more proactive yet "non-thirsty" approach

 

[MsKinkycurl]

You can't control who stumbles into your life. I think the real strategy comes from knowing how to weed through the men you meet and separate the no good's, the practice men, and the real deal. If your keeping yourself together, at least maintaning your natural healthy beauty and seem friendly men will see you and want you.

At least for me, any relationship with promise will only require me to show up and be myself. I'm spending my energy trying to figure out if he is deserving of my unique awesomeness and smart enough to recognise how valuable I am. In fact, initially I hold back on some of my desirable qualities until a new SO has proven himself worthy.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using LHCF

 

[PeaceFlow]

You can't control who stumbles into your life. I think the real strategy comes from knowing how to weed through the men you meet and separate the no good's, the practice men, and the real deal. If your keeping yourself together, at least maintaning your natural healthy beauty and seem friendly men will see you and want you.

At least for me, any relationship with promise will only require me to show up and be myself. I'm spending my energy trying to figure out if he is deserving of my unique awesomeness and smart enough to recognise how valuable I am. In fact, initially I hold back on some of my desirable qualities until a new SO has proven himself worthy.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using LHCF

Thanks. I didn't know what Glib meant by her strategy. I don't follow rule books, or anything, but I will not have relationships with men that don't deserve me.

My father was an ***. Thats enough exposure to a stupid man for me in this lifetime.

 

[claudzie]

I feel it is a combination of both. Most people meet guys randomly eg at work, going shopping etc. Once the exchange of numbers happen, that is where 'strategic planning' comes into play. It sounds serious but strategic planning is just making sure you are on top of your game ie. if he seems the type who is well read, you just brush up on current affairs etc if you like the kind of guy.

 

[MD_Lady]

You can't control who stumbles into your life. I think the real strategy comes from knowing how to weed through the men you meet and separate the no good's, the practice men, and the real deal. If your keeping yourself together, at least maintaning your natural healthy beauty and seem friendly men will see you and want you.

At least for me, any relationship with promise will only require me to show up and be myself. I'm spending my energy trying to figure out if he is deserving of my unique awesomeness and smart enough to recognise how valuable I am. In fact, initially I hold back on some of my desirable qualities until a new SO has proven himself worthy.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using LHCF

Bolding, highlighting, AND quoting for emphasis. One of the best things I did for myself was to see people and situations for what they WERE, NOT for what I wanted them to be or hoped/thought they would become. Of course you have to put your best foot forward, but none of that means anything if you aren't 1) seeing who is (or is not) seeing you and 2) valuing your time and emotions enough to invest both wisely.

i do what i want.

when something isnt working i switch it up.

the inherent flaw in dating books and dating advice is that it prevents a person from understanding and following their intuition because theyre too busy trying to stick to the instructions.

for ALL of this. And so many women are looking for tips and tricks to attract a man, but what happens once you "get" him? Again, I'm all for putting your best foot forward, but not if it means misrepresenting yourself (which WILL catch up with you later).

 

[SmileyNY]

Maybe it's just me... but I don't see meeting someone at work as "random". You both work in the same place. You're in the same building at least 5 days per week. IMO, work is the easiest place to begin a relationship with someone if there is a mutual attraction.

At any rate... my "strategy" had nothing to do with where I met guys to date. I met them in many different ways. Randomly and not. My strategy was all about what I did after I met them. Keeping the rotation (not wasting my time dating only 1 guy who wasn't committed to me), weeding out the losers, and making sure I was whole and happy alone before committing to anyone.

 

[Solila]

SmileyNY Girl, I have walked up to them on a crowded train, coffee shop, dog park, etc. I was looking for fun, but next thing I know I'm in a "relationship." LOL

I've never had a particular strategy for this kind of stuff. I just know what I like and what I want. My intuition has yet to fail me.

 

[Britt]

I honestly think it's both. Could be happenstance or strategic. What I do agree with is being strategic about weeding out what doesn't work for you. Whether you date simultaneously or consecutively, don't waste time on dating someone you are not on the same page with. Know what you want, what you can be flexible on and go from there. Especially if you're dating for a serious relationship as the end result. If not, then anything goes

Not everything works for everyone. Some of the dating rules and guidelines are helpful, but there isn't a one size fits all bill.

 

[CurlyMoo]

The only strategy I have come up with is to get out and do the things I enjoy doing.
If I meet someone along the way that means we have something in common to work from. And I don't mean twirling in the sun hoping Mr. right will come over and sweep me off my feet. I mean meeting guys doing the same thing I enjoy instead of putting myself in environments I really hate. And even going places and doing things I have never done before, being open and curious. Hopefully this will lead to a very full life and good man by my side.

Guys need to hustle more. Seriously.

 

[SmileyNY]

SmileyNY Girl, I have walked up to them on a crowded train, coffee shop, dog park, etc. I was looking for fun, but next thing I know I'm in a "relationship." LOL

I've never had a particular strategy for this kind of stuff. I just know what I like and what I want. My intuition has yet to fail me.

Solila I absolutely agree! Meeting men isn't the problem and doesn't require strategy. Men aren't hard to find lol.

My strategy was all about how I dealt with the ones I found. I definitely wasn't quick to fall into relationships. I kept the rotation until I was sure I wasn't settling.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

i do what i want.

when something isnt working i switch it up.

the inherent flaw in dating books and dating advice is that it prevents a person from understanding and following their intuition because theyre too busy trying to stick to the instructions.

Pretty much. Sometimes, there are no rules for stuff. Do whatever works for you. "Live, learn, love......"

 

[Ganjababy]

I was never into strategic planning and never had any problems dating. No one I personally know do this.

Though if I was to date again, because of this board I would probably put more thought into it. But it would not become my mission.

One thing I noticed is that men can smell desperation a mile away and it is a huge turn off.

 

[FemmeCreole]

i do what i want.

when something isnt working i switch it up.

the inherent flaw in dating books and dating advice is that it prevents a person from understanding and following their intuition because theyre too busy trying to stick to the instructions.

That's why I never read dating books or follow relationship gurus advice. I'm always just going to be myself. I met DH in TSA line at the airport, couldn't be more random.

 

[LivingDol1]

Hmm... Good question. I wouldn't say that my current relationship was strategically planned. Did I read dating books? Did I try new things to meet new people? Yes and yes. I read books and joined groups and stuff in the hopes of making myself more available to single men. I'm a person who went to all girls high school and college was like part 2 with gay men sprinkled in. So, my exposure and experience in dating was lacking.

Not everyone needs "help" in that area, but I felt that I needed something. I was the girl who was never in relationships. So, I think that my efforts helped put me in better situations for meeting men and going on more dates.

And it just so happens that I connected with a great guy who is also relationship minded and we want the same things and it's working out thus far.

I do agree that one has to put effort into meeting the goals they want. I put effort into my portfolio/resume for when I'm interviewing for a new job. If I want to learn how to do something, I read up on it, or sign up for a class, or ask for help. What's wrong with applying that to relationships?

 

[Sosa]

Probably both.

Sometimes it may seem like happenstance on your end but it's possible the dude had been very strategic. I know for my past two serious relationships, after we got together, I learned that in the initial stages they planned a lot of things that I thought 'just happened' (not sex ) like noticing them, running into each other etc.

But they would have to (be strategic) anyway cuz I am one of those chicks who always seem to be "on a mission"...walking fast and holding my head straight . I never notice anyone first.

I'm sorta in between relationships now, for the next guy "I" wanna choose "him" and hopefully marry him (I'm almost ready now). So I may switch things up. I've sorta started, planning to attend some events put on by the local Chamber of Commerce...cuz I like the entrepreneur type .

I'll be watching this thread.

 

[tibb1908]

I think it's both but I think you should make the the best out of what you do normally, after work or on the weekends. Make yourself more available for activities that you enjoy and look your best, be you.