Financial/Class Differences and Your Romantic Relationships

[cocoberry10]

Okay ladies, I haven't started a thread in this forum for a while (relationships that is).

Anyway, I wanted to get your opinion on dating someone who is in a different financial/social class than you and how that's worked out.

Here's my story

I was seeing this guy who grew up poor (I hope that doesn't sound bad). I did not grow up poor. We are both educated, and moving into our career paths. However, the differences in how we grew up seem to be an "issue" for him, and I feel like he thinks it's an "issue" for me. Basically, he feels like he's not good enough for me, but I know it's not because of anything I said or did. I got that info from a mutual friend of ours. Our friend said that he has a sense of inadequacy about what kind of life he can provide for me (not long term, but right now) and our friend told me that he (the guy) knows I'm used to the best things. But it's funny, because I'm not really materialistic. I don't wear only designer clothes or bags. I consider myself very "normal." But it's little things that make the difference. For example, if my computer broke, or I needed a new car, it wouldn't be a problem for me to get a new one, whereas for him, he might really struggle in the same situation.

He's the first one in his family to go to college, and right now he doesn't have much, but I know that he is working to build a certain life for himself. Oh, and he's no lazy bum (I wouldn't date someone like that). He's really ambitious and talented, and I really, really like this guy (and it takes a lot for me to "fall" for someone). I think he believes I expect him to be my father, but I understand that he's not in the same position as my parents, so I definitely don't expect that. And I know he has ambition, so he will be there someday!

However, I think he feels like "why would she want to be with me, when she can be with the ballers?" But the truth is, I don't like some of those guys, I really like him. It doesn't bother me at all that he doesn't have much, b/c I know why. He's definitely the traditional male type, who would want to be able to provide for his family, etc. I see a lot of great qualities in him that I would want in someone I would spend the rest of my life with. Also, I know it's typical of men not to want to be with someone when they are struggling, so I understand.

Has anyone been in this situation? Please help me! How did it work out?

 

[Apple-Cakez]

Have a sit down and let him know that you respect his background and that you appreciate the respect as well from him; tell him that the BOTH of you are in different places in your ADULT lives right now--how your parents took care of either of you has no direct bearing on whats to become of you NOW. Let him know that you've noticed how ambitious he is and that's the one thing that you respect most about him---that he DIDN'T sit back and let his childhood rearing affect what kind of man he is; He's creating and shaping his OWN future and that's a beautiful thing! Remind him that whatever path he chooses for himself, you'll have his back because you're proud of him!

Good Luck!

 

[cocoberry10]

Have a sit down and let him know that you respect his background and that you appreciate the respect as well from him; tell him that the BOTH of you are in different places in your ADULT lives right now--how your parents took care of either of you has no direct bearing on whats to become of you NOW. Let him know that you've noticed how ambitious he is and that's the one thing that you respect most about him---that he DIDN'T sit back and let his childhood rearing affect what kind of man he is; He's creating and shaping his OWN future and that's a beautiful thing! Remind him that whatever path he chooses for himself, you'll have his back because you're proud of him!

Good Luck!

Thank you!

 

[filthyfresh]

Okay ladies, I haven't started a thread in this forum for a while (relationships that is).

Anyway, I wanted to get your opinion on dating someone who is in a different financial/social class than you and how that's worked out.

Here's my story

I was seeing this guy who grew up poor (I hope that doesn't sound bad). I did not grow up poor. We are both educated, and moving into our career paths. However, the differences in how we grew up seem to be an "issue" for him, and I feel like he thinks it's an "issue" for me. Basically, he feels like he's not good enough for me, but I know it's not because of anything I said or did. I got that info from a mutual friend of ours. Our friend said that he has a sense of inadequacy about what kind of life he can provide for me (not long term, but right now) and our friend told me that he (the guy) knows I'm used to the best things. But it's funny, because I'm not really materialistic. I don't wear only designer clothes or bags. I consider myself very "normal." But it's little things that make the difference. For example, if my computer broke, or I needed a new car, it wouldn't be a problem for me to get a new one, whereas for him, he might really struggle in the same situation.

He's the first one in his family to go to college, and right now he doesn't have much, but I know that he is working to build a certain life for himself. Oh, and he's no lazy bum (I wouldn't date someone like that). He's really ambitious and talented, and I really, really like this guy (and it takes a lot for me to "fall" for someone). I think he believes I expect him to be my father, but I understand that he's not in the same position as my parents, so I definitely don't expect that. And I know he has ambition, so he will be there someday!

However, I think he feels like "why would she want to be with me, when she can be with the ballers?" But the truth is, I don't like some of those guys, I really like him. It doesn't bother me at all that he doesn't have much, b/c I know why. He's definitely the traditional male type, who would want to be able to provide for his family, etc. I see a lot of great qualities in him that I would want in someone I would spend the rest of my life with. Also, I know it's typical of men not to want to be with someone when they are struggling, so I understand.

Has anyone been in this situation? Please help me! How did it work out?

OMG. Have you been stalking me? LOL. I am in this same situation! IDK what to do. I'm going to listen to whatever everyone else tells you.

 

[Mena]

OMG. Have you been stalking me? LOL. I am in this same situation! IDK what to do. I'm going to listen to whatever everyone else tells you.

lol same here almost....my ex and i are talking again and we had the same problem before but we still like each other...we just split because i moved away

 

[cocoberry10]

OMG. Have you been stalking me? LOL. I am in this same situation! IDK what to do. I'm going to listen to whatever everyone else tells you.

I can't wait until the morning (after 9:00) when people can read this. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

 

[chellero]

Dh and I have completely different backgrounds and I don't think it matters a bit. Dh is very confident, and doesn't feel "less than" anyone. I think that one thing that helped is that we both came from 2 parent households and grew up watching happy marriages. I think that's more important to how two people relate as adults then financial status.

 

[Glitter]

I guess I come from the poor end of the spectrum so I sympathize with the OP's man. I am chatting with a guy who is BEYOND wealthy, like multiple house and rare car wealthy. His high school tuition costs more than what my mom makes in a year. I try not to make his finances an issue - because they're not for him, he doesn't brag about his money at all - but I feel more embarrassed than anything else.

I KNOW I shouldn't feel embarrassed but sometimes I can't help it when I have to scrape together money to put together a wardrobe while he wears a pair of jeans that costs more than my entire outfit or there have been times when I have pennies in my bank account and he's sitting on a fortune in the bank.

I think as long as the friction doesn't ruin the total romance (ie, always expecting the wealthier person to pick up the tab just because they have more bank) then it's cool. I certainly do not mention it to him because the way I see it, we are each given a different hand in life. I did not ask to be poor and he did not ask to be rich. For whatever reason, these were the hands we were dealt and everything happens for a reason.

 

[cocoberry10]

I guess I come from the poor end of the spectrum so I sympathize with the OP's man. I am chatting with a guy who is BEYOND wealthy, like multiple house and rare car wealthy. His high school tuition costs more than what my mom makes in a year. I try not to make his finances an issue - because they're not for him, he doesn't brag about his money at all - but I feel more embarrassed than anything else.

I KNOW I shouldn't feel embarrassed but sometimes I can't help it when I have to scrape together money to put together a wardrobe while he wears a pair of jeans that costs more than my entire outfit or there have been times when I have pennies in my bank account and he's sitting on a fortune in the bank.

I think as long as the friction doesn't ruin the total romance (ie, always expecting the wealthier person to pick up the tab just because they have more bank) then it's cool. I certainly do not mention it to him because the way I see it, we are each given a different hand in life. I did not ask to be poor and he did not ask to be rich. For whatever reason, these were the hands we were dealt and everything happens for a reason.

Thanks. I found this advice really helpful.

 

[filthyfresh]

I can't wait until the morning (after 9:00) when people can read this. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

See my issue is that he's moving in the right direction, but it's like he doesn't know how to let the hood stay in the hood. I wasn't born with a silver spoon, but I had it a lot easier than a lot of people. He's about to graduate from a Top 10 university and he's still listening to "Crank Dat ____" (whatever the new one is this week), wearing baggy jeans 24/7, and blasting his speakers in the trunk. It's like damn. You're 23, it's time to leave the hood where it is. It ain't going anywhere. His friends aren't on ish, they're holding down minimum wage type jobs and didn't go past high school. I just want him to be the best person he can be. But my mom was like he's going to have to make some choices for his own life. All I know is, I'm not a Public Aid type of girl, at all. LOL. No offense to anyone, but I've never set foot in the welfare office & I couldn't tell you where one is. Nor have I ever seen a food stamp in my entire life. So yeah. I love my SO, but either he upgrades or I'm out.

 

[Theo]

I can sympathize more with the OP's man as well. I wasn't born with a silver spoon with my mouth and neither were any of the men that I have dated, at least not for very long. I'm pretty down to earth and I wouldn't even know how to act high-maintenance even if I wanted to... so the fact that my BF was broke didn't bother me in the slightest cuz honestly, so was I.

I mean, you may have to come out of pocket for a couple of dates, stay at home and watch movies rather than eating at a nice restaurant... and maybe tone down the whole "fabolousity" thing for awhile... I know that it goes against all the rules on LHCF and in life, but you have to be confident enough in the relationship you have with your man to know that not all the rules will apply here.

My best relationship was with this guy who was definitely not from the "right side of the tracks", but it was so sweet. We went dutch quite a few times, but he always paid a larger part of the bill... he didn't buy me alot of gifts, but he would save up like all year round, and then when my b-day came around, he had made a list of all the things that I had said I wanted for like the past year (it was random stuff like a bathrobe, and a headset for my phone it was so cute and funny), and he just brought to me in this huge bag. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me...

That being said, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be treated WELL. I would ask dude to do anything and everything for me, whether it was carry my groceries in from the car, park the car into a difficult spot, move furniture in the house... I had my little damsel in distress moments. Doors were always opened, chairs pulled out, stuff like that. There are lots of things a man can do for a woman besides buying her stuff and I think girls sometimes forget in favor of material things. Like if I see Bey walk outside a restaurant behind Jay one more time... smh.

 

[Ms Red]

As I mature, I am finding that being compatible financially (goals/direction/mentality) is also extremely important.

At some point in the relationship, the person who is more focused, more determined and more willing to work hard and sacrifice will eclipse the other. . . and if he/she is not willing to rise to the occasion, it can cause major problems.

I always focused on being evenly yoked in romantic terms but now I am finding out that being fiscally responsible with the same future life goals is VERY important.

 

[MissMasala5]

Being able to compliment one another is key to a successful relationship. Me and my DH have different backgrounds also, but we met each other in a very comfortable place in the middle. He still hangs on to some of his 'hood' ways, and I still hang on to what he refers to as my 'bougie' ways. And we have adapted to these differences and have meshed into something that suits us both perfectly.

 

[filthyfresh]

As I mature, I am finding that being compatible financially (goals/direction/mentality) is also extremely important.

At some point in the relationship, the person who is more focused, more determined and more willing to work hard and sacrifice will eclipse the other. . . and if he/she is not willing to rise to the occasion, it can cause major problems.

I always focused on being evenly yoked in romantic terms but now I am finding out that being fiscally responsible with the same future life goals is VERY important.

See I think I'm afraid of eclipsing him and then being faced with a choice to make. But I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. We do have the same future life goals, so maybe we should be able to reach them together.

 

[cocoberry10]

I get what you are saying, but that's not even the issue for me. I'm not as materialistic as I "Could be." I don't say that in a snobby way, but I'm very down to earth too, and I don't have to be (I do have parents who have the means to give me whatever I "want"). They raised us very grounded, so I don't just choose a man by what he has materially, or what type of family he comes from, which is very unusual for most of the people I'm friends with who are in the same social class as me. However, I really like this guy.

The problem isn't me, it's his own insecurity about whether I want him b/c of his background. His dad is not a lawyer or a CEO of his own company, or a doctor, or a Ph.D. He is very goal-oriented, and this is important to me. I know he will be successful someday, and I like him for who he is NOW...not just what I know he is going to become. The best "example" I can give of our differences is similar to "The Notebook" (for those that read the book or saw the movie). However, my guy is educated. As I said before, he's the first one in his family, so it's a big deal for him. In fact, he is a jokester like the guy character in The Notebook, which is one of the things I really like about him. He makes me laugh and I love how intelligent, and well-versed he is on political issues/Black history. He's unlike any other guy I've met. He's very charming, so I don't want this to be the reason things don't work out. I hope this clears things up!

I can sympathize more with the OP's man as well. I wasn't born with a silver spoon with my mouth and neither were any of the men that I have dated, at least not for very long. I'm pretty down to earth and I wouldn't even know how to act high-maintenance even if I wanted to... so the fact that my BF was broke didn't bother me in the slightest cuz honestly, so was I.

I mean, you may have to come out of pocket for a couple of dates, stay at home and watch movies rather than eating at a nice restaurant... and maybe tone down the whole "fabolousity" thing for awhile... I know that it goes against all the rules on LHCF and in life, but you have to be confident enough in the relationship you have with your man to know that not all the rules will apply here.

My best relationship was with this guy who was definitely not from the "right side of the tracks", but it was so sweet. We went dutch quite a few times, but he always paid a larger part of the bill... he didn't buy me alot of gifts, but he would save up like all year round, and then when my b-day came around, he had made a list of all the things that I had said I wanted for like the past year (it was random stuff like a bathrobe, and a headset for my phone it was so cute and funny), and he just brought to me in this huge bag. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me...

That being said, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be treated WELL. I would ask dude to do anything and everything for me, whether it was carry my groceries in from the car, park the car into a difficult spot, move furniture in the house... I had my little damsel in distress moments. Doors were always opened, chairs pulled out, stuff like that. There are lots of things a man can do for a woman besides buying her stuff and I think girls sometimes forget in favor of material things. Like if I see Bey walk outside a restaurant behind Jay one more time... smh.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

That's exactly how my boyfriend does me. We both come from working class families, and our future goals are BIG. However, I'm ambitious and goal oriented, and he allows fear to confine him. He always tells me he's not good enough for me and I HATE THAT! I guess I'll read the other ladies post for advice.

 

[Theo]

That's exactly how my boyfriend does me. We both come from working class families, and our future goals are BIG. However, I'm ambitious and goal oriented, and he allows fear to confine him. He always tells me he's not good enough for me and I HATE THAT! I guess I'll read the other ladies post for advice.

I don't know... if he's telling you this himself, you might want to believe him. There is nothing that you can do to convince him that he's "good enough" for you. He should know that walking in... but maybe its just your word choice that has me confused?

Good can mean alot of things....

 

[cocoberry10]

I don't know... if he's telling you this himself, you might want to believe him. There is nothing that you can do to convince him that he's "good enough" for you. He should know that walking in... but maybe its just your word choice that has me confused?

Good can mean alot of things....

I kind of agree with you freelove!

 

[Cincysweetie]

CocoBerry, what ended up happening with you and the guy?

 

[delp]

This is a bit of a hi-jack:
The situation you are going through is very common. Most cases i hear it works out fine. Most guys think of it as a plus (like great body, long hair, cute face, education,....). You might have to work hard to make sure he knows you are down to earth and not rejecting his family. I would like to hear the cases where women have married up the social ladder. Usually I see this alot in interracial relationships (meaning socially financially secure white male family but not soo black female family---might just have education) but not much in black relationships.

 

[cocoberry10]

CocoBerry, what ended up happening with you and the guy?

It didn't work out, but not for the class difference reasons. Thanks for checking in, I meant to update you ladies!

I agree with everyone that when two people want to make a relationship work, the "differences" will not stop them

 

[Cincysweetie]

It didn't work out, but not for the class difference reasons. Thanks for checking in, I meant to update you ladies!

I agree with everyone that when two people want to make a relationship work, the "differences" will not stop them

Thank you for the update! I was hoping that things had worked out for you all. But anyway, in the famous words of MTV.....NEXT!!!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Thank you for the update! I was hoping that things had worked out for you all. But anyway, in the famous words of MTV.....NEXT!!!!!!

Yeah, it's okay. I really, really liked this guy. He was one of the cutest and most intelligent people I've ever met, but it wasn't meant to be. Like they say...THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA!

 

[Cincysweetie]

Yeah, it's okay. I really, really liked this guy. He was one of the cutest and most intelligent people I've ever met, but it wasn't meant to be. Like they say...THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA!

There sure are honey! This is the best time of the year to be single too! Use this time to line up the next eligible bachelor in time for the winter (aka snuggle) months!