Hello,
This year has literally been one of the hardest years of my life. And my faith in God has literally went from agnostic to Christian believer. The back story is that I was diagnosed with depression in October, but before then I would pray and pray that the Lord would help me through it but everyday it worsened. I would have panic attacks so bad I would almost pass out and it got to the point where I was cutting myself and almost attempted suicide more than once. It got to the point where a friend called the health services for me because I wouldn't go because I honestly believed that it would get better. I am in my second year of college and I feel God didn't care. Not just because of that situation but me being at the school I am at now.
When I was accepted I prayed that I made the right decision and several event in my life led me here, but once starting here I fee like I have had the most difficult two years of my life to the point where I feel like I don't have dreams anymore. I feel as though I have not only let myself down, but wavered so much in faith because at times like this when
you are supposed to feel God near, I don't feel anything. I live day to day with ups and downs with some days hoping for death and other days are better. I guess my question is how do you ladies deal with feeling like you're alone in the world?[/QUOTE]
julzinha,
First of all Hi
. I'm glad you asked your questions instead of keeping them to yourself
. I will share some of my experiences with you some of which you may not see the relevance of until a later time but I'll share anyway b/c God loves you and you need to know that it's not based on circumstances, events, or feelings.
My heart goes out to you on the year being hard. I understand. I've had very difficult years and times when I felt like death would've been a better option. The older generation would say, "No matter what you're going through, there's always someone worse off than you." I would roll my eyes at that then, not so much now b/c it is the truth. The past few months have been very difficult for me in many ways. Perhaps the most profound is this, I lost my 1 month old grandson to SIDS this fall. I'm tearing up just from typing those words. It literally felt like a kind of emotional disembowelment. Even though I
know that I know that I know he is fine and waiting on me, I miss him terribly. I'll never get to make him cookies, tickle him, watch him walk, hear his voice, tell him not to date this girl or that girl, etc. He was with us for exactly 1 month. We were
so excited he was turning 1 month old... A couple who joined my church recently lost their 2 week old daughter who was born prematurely. I could wonder why God would allow such tragedies involving the innocent. I don't. Sadness, pain, disappointment happens to all human beings saved or not. The difference lies in the real hope and assurance each believer has while those who do not believe have limited and flawed means which in due time all fail. We got twice as much time as they did. We have twice as many pics, twice as many hugs, twice as many kisses, twice as many diaper changes, you get the picture. The family of a stillborn never get to look into that child's eyes, never get to change a diaper, never get to hear a cry. The family of the aborted/miscarried never get to hold a body, never get to look at a little face,never get to touch a face, or stroke the hair, you get the picture.
So, you may have made the right choice by attending your current school and you may have missed the mark so to speak. However, there is nothing too hard for God. One of the ways we grow in our faith is by going through difficulties. Difficulties expose and reveal any shortcomings and play up any acquired strengths. They remind us of how much we will always need God. It is during those time that God's strength becomes
very evident. Not always immediately, but when you look back, (b/c hindsight is always 20/20) you realize you should have totally lost your mind but can see how God stepped in and strengthened you- so you didn't lose it when a lot of other folks did. In the event you weren't supposed to be there but are, well God can and will fix that too. Whether it means he changes your circumstances, gets you out of there, or whatever b/c you took the time to pray and seek His input prior to starting school he will honor your efforts even if you misunderstood his direction. He doesn't stop there, the more you seek him the clearer you will be able to tell when he is speaking to you, when it's you doing the talking and most importantly when the enemy is trying to speak to you. That's another one of his promises. He says his sheep (us) hear his voice, know him, and obey him. This process takes time but he protects you as you are growing from day to day.
Who said you are supposed to
feel near God? Umm, that's not true
. There are times when you will feel God's presence, when you will feel close to him but just as you may have family members or friends you love but don't feel all warm and fuzzy towards 24/7 so it is with God. He never stops loving and feeling that way towards us but we do him like that frequently
. You cannot rely on feeling. They are fickle. As you grow, you learn feelings have there place but there will be times where you have to just do it b/c you have been told to do it not b/c you can fully comprehend the logic behind the thing. Obedience is better than sacrifice.
Here are some ways I have learned to deal with those inevitable times where I feel heartbroken (I no longer feel alone or hopeless b/c I have seen with my own eyes God provide, come through, change circumstances, etc in my life, time and time again- keep walking, you'll get there). I too recommend
reading scripture aloud and committing it to
memory. Why? Every habit, destiny, character trait, etc starts in your mind. God created everything that is (except ppl) by speaking aloud. He endowed us with qualities similar to his. The ability to speak life into situations is one of them. Satan is out to rob all of us of our hope and joy. W/o them we are dry, lifeless, slowly dying, sitting ducks. A christian who knows the word of God and speaks it regularly can defeat the enemy. He
has to back off. He
has to respect the authority of God's word.
Songs- keep an arsenal of uplifting praise and worship music near you at all times. Praise also stops any attacks dead in their tracks. Eventually you will learn to praise w/o the music. Eventually, the music will be in your heart so that you will not need any outside devices and can break forth in song and praise at will. God inhabits the praise of his ppl. It is an immediate way to get his attention.
Read the bible so you can see all of the examples of ppl who went throught circumstances exactly like the ones you will go through. Read of those who went through successfully as well as those who gave up and their outcomes. There is
nothing new in this world. It is all a big repeating circle. History repeats itself. David didn't have a PC and the like but he had
many years of danger and depression to deal with before any relief was in sight.
Here are some ppl you may be able to identify with right now. Read of their histories. Get a NIV and KJV bible to study and compare if you find KJV too much right now. Read about Job, David, Ruth, Moses, Acts.
Keep praying. Then pray some more. Then pray a little more. Did I mention praying?
PRAY. Then pray some more. It is an intimate conversation between you and the Almighty. He is waiting.
Above all, please understand that many times you will not
feel anything special intially. You will be sleepy, you may suddenly not feel good, the phone will ring, your mind will attempt to wander like never before anytime you decide to try to hear from/ spend time with God. Persistence is key. Understand that God sees your life as it can be. You are seeing only what is in front of you right now.
Fellowship- Do you have a good church home? Any christian friends? Active in any student bible studies? Go out with and have fun with ppl who share your beliefs? If not begin to pray asking God to send these things your way but stay on this forum searching topics and talking to us. Send PMs or post away. This is fellowship too. Teams are stronger, more cohesive, better, b/c they fellowship (practice) together. We are many members of one body. Each with a specific purpose/ use. Made to work together but not very useful alone. I'm praying for God to strenthen your inner man, and to reveal his truth and love to you. You are loved more then you know.
www.christianword.org is an online prayer book. There are many prayers for many topics. It is a good start for a new believer.
