Divorced Dads - Anybody Dating One? Aaaargh!!!

[Hairsnob]

Should I be this upset?

I had plans to spend the weekend with my BF of 2 yrs this weekend. He has a 16 yr old daughter and they have a great relationship and we all get along well. She stays over his place every other weekend and during that time I usually do things with my girlfriends or use that time to myself. It works out fine. The other weekend we spend time together and go out to eat, movies, etc. (he works odd hours so we only see each other mainly on weekends).

Well, something happened where the daughter had other plans on their planned weekend together so she didn't come over so she assumed she would come the next week. That morning he found out that she thought she was coming over that weekend that we already made plans but he didn't want to tell her she couldn't come over because he had plans so he changed OUR plans. This is the kicker.. he waited until I was already packed and about to come over to tell me he switched the weekend. I blew up because I felt like it was disrespectful to me not to tell me until the last minute. I also felt like she is old enough to understand that if he told her he had plans it shouldn't be a big issue. Please know that I don't blame the daughter in any way. I blame my BF for not standing up for our plans because he didn't want to tell her no.

Am I right to feel this way?? She's 16 and not 5 yrs old. He apologized afterwards for not telling me earlier but he still insists he did the right thing by canceling our plans.

I know this isn't major drama and it could be much worse. He's a great guy otherwise and his daughter is great, but even though he apologized I'm still mad because I just don't like being stood up, especially not after I got all dolled up and had my bags packed. erplexed

Oh, and our plans were changed before because of things that come up with his daughter but it's usually ahead of time and it's not that often.

I have boys myself (they're grown now) and I know how men can be with daughters where they don't want to tell them no. So it's just hard to get used to. That's the reason I didn't want to date men with kids, but I figured that at age 16 you wouldn't have problems like this. I thought that was only with small kids.

Sorry this was so long, I just had to vent. I'd love to hear what others think or maybe hear other stories like mine. Am I overreacting?

ETA: I should have mentioned that she also spends the night one day during mid-week every week as part of their agreement. He sees her during the week any time he wants to after school because she's only a few minutes away but she only spends the night every other weekend and once each mid-week.

 

[Sapphire]

If I was only able to see my child (whether they are 5 or 16) two weekends out of the month, I would have canceled too. I think the only thing he did wrong in this situation was telling you at the last minute. That was inconsiderate, and yeah, it would piss me off.

 

[Ladybelle]

^^^ I agree with this poster. The only problem is not letting you know as soon as he found out. Aren't you glad you are with a man who makes his children a priority?

 

[nappystorm]

You are not wrong to feel the way you do, OP but you may want to consider not dating men with children.

I think he absolutely did the right thing. I'm childless but I couldn't imagine brushing my child off to spend time with my SO and I would feel some kind of way if my dad had done it to me. If you are dating a good father, you are going to have to make alot compromises and accept the fact that you are not his top priority. If you can't, then you don't need to date men with children.


I'm dating divorced guy who have full custody of his children (I know, I know). Like it or not, his children come first.

 

[Hairsnob]

If I was only able to see my child (whether they are 5 or 16) two weekends out of the month, I would have canceled too. I think the only thing he did wrong in this situation was telling you at the last minute. That was inconsiderate, and yeah, it would piss me off.

@sapphire - Yeah, you have a good point. But I should have mentioned that she also spends the night one day during mid-week every week as part of their agreement. He sees her during the week any time he wants to after school because she's only a few minutes away but she only spends the night every other weekend and once each mid-week.

Thanks for replying. It really does help.

 

[Hairsnob]

^^^ I agree with this poster. The only problem is not letting you know as soon as he found out. Aren't you glad you are with a man who makes his children a priority?

Definitely!! Definitely!! I wouldn't even want to date a guy who didn't do that. I always knew his daughter is his priority but I guess I got so used to never having a problem till this happened. So I got spoiled.

Thanks for this tough love!!

You are not wrong to feel the way you do, OP but you may want to consider not dating men with children.

I think he absolutely did the right thing. I'm childless but I couldn't imagine brushing my child off to spend time with my SO and I would feel some kind of way if my dad had done it to me. If you are dating a good father, you are going to have to make alot compromises and accept the fact that you are not his top priority. If you can't, then you don't need to date men with children.


I'm dating divorced guy who have full custody of his children (I know, I know). Like it or not, his children come first.

You're right, I forgot that things like this happen. I have to keep reminding myself how good of a man he is and I need to stop being so selfish. I'm just mad though LOL.

@sapphire - Yeah, you have a good point. But I should have mentioned that she also spends the night one day during mid-week every week as part of their agreement. He sees her during the week any time he wants to after school because she's only a few minutes away but she only spends the night every other weekend and once each mid-week.

Thanks for replying. It really does help.

Thanks so much ladies!! I think PMS caught the best of me and it blew everything up even worse. Honestly, I'd think full custody is better because you know what you're getting into and you don't have to deal with any babymama drama or the guilt they usually have of them not being there.... Or maybe there's still babymama drama LOL

You ladies probably saved my relationship because I sure as heck feel foolish now when I look at things from the other side.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

If I was only able to see my child (whether they are 5 or 16) two weekends out of the month, I would have canceled too. I think the only thing he did wrong in this situation was telling you at the last minute. That was inconsiderate, and yeah, it would piss me off.

The bolded is the only problem I see with this situation.

At 16 years old she needs her father, esp. during her difficult teen years. I think it's commendable for him to be there for his DD, so many children of divorced parents don't have it as good.

Now if she was 26 years old, that would be a different story--I'm glad he makes his daughter a priority--if I was divorced from my DH, I'd hope that he'd do the same for our teenage DD.

 

[Hairsnob]

The bolded is the only problem I see with this situation.

At 16 years old she needs her father, esp. during her difficult teen years. I think it's commendable for him to be there for his DD, so many children of divorced parents don't have it as good.

Now if she was 26 years old, that would be a different story--I'm glad he makes his daughter a priority--if I was divorced from my DH, I'd hope that he'd do the same for our teenage DD.

If she was 26 and we had this problem I'd have to pass on him, good man or not LOL. I guess the bottom line is the well being of the daughter and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Thanks for pointing these things out to me!

 

[nappystorm]

Definitely!! Definitely!! I wouldn't even want to date a guy who didn't do that. I always knew his daughter is his priority but I guess I got so used to never having a problem till this happened. So I got spoiled.

Thanks for this tough love!!


You're right, I forgot that things like this happen. I have to keep reminding myself how good of a man he is and I need to stop being so selfish. I'm just mad though LOL.


Thanks so much ladies!! I think PMS caught the best of me and it blew everything up even worse. Honestly, I'd think full custody is better because you know what you're getting into and you don't have to deal with any babymama drama or the guilt they usually have of them not being there.... Or maybe there's still babymama drama LOL

You ladies probably saved my relationship because I sure as heck feel foolish now when I look at things from the other side.

No prob, OP. Have you met his daughter? Maybe you guys can all spend the weekend together (don't be offended if he says no).

I know exactly how you feel, though. I just try to put myself in his place or ask myself what my friends who are single mothers would have done. Many girls nights outs have been cancelled and postponed at the last minute so I've just come to expect the same in single father relationships. It's disappointing but those are the breaks.

I don't know if full custody is easier. We both agreed that I wouldn't meet the children until we are serious. There is no bm drama but we have to schedule our relationship totally around the children and the ex's visitation schedule. Sighs.

 

[Sasha299]

If you were going to date a man with children this is the type of man you would want to date. You would NEVER want to date a man who would blow off his child to spend time with a woman - women come and go but children (and family) is forever.

I totally hear you on the PMS - my BFF also starts blowing up when she is PMSing and she has learnt, when she finds herself blowing up, to call and ask me if she is being reasonable.

 

[Hairsnob]

No prob, OP. Have you met his daughter? Maybe you guys can all spend the weekend together (don't be offended if he says no).

I know exactly how you feel, though. I just try to put myself in his place or ask myself what my friends who are single mothers would have done. Many girls nights outs have been cancelled and postponed at the last minute so I've just come to expect the same in single father relationships. It's disappointing but those are the breaks.

I don't know if full custody is easier. We both agreed that I wouldn't meet the children until we are serious. There is no bm drama but we have to schedule our relationship totally around the children and the ex's visitation schedule. Sighs.

@nappystorm - Yes, I met the daughter about 6 months into our dating. Actually, I feel even worse now because after he cancelled out on me he still invited me to hang out with them but I was so mad at that point that I said no because it felt like an afterthought. Plus, I'd have to be coming home by myself late at night. We've been to a few BBQ's together and we've hung out around the house a few times but for the most part I try to respect the time he has with his daughter and I don't bug him when she's over. I was patting myself on the back for not being a meddling girlfriend but this recent incident makes me feel really bad now that I overreacted.

But I have to take my words back about thinking full custody would be easier. Hopefully you don't have too much BM drama and you at least have time to spend together. I can imagine that's rough because I never thought about the stage where you haven't met the kids yet. I'm sure you respect him for that and it'll feel even better when he finally agrees it's the right time to meet them.

How young are his kids?

 

[nappystorm]

@nappystorm - Yes, I met the daughter about 6 months into our dating. Actually, I feel even worse now because after he cancelled out on me he still invited me to hang out with them but I was so mad at that point that I said no because it felt like an afterthought. Plus, I'd have to be coming home by myself late at night. We've been to a few BBQ's together and we've hung out around the house a few times but for the most part I try to respect the time he has with his daughter and I don't bug him when she's over. I was patting myself on the back for not being a meddling girlfriend but this recent incident makes me feel really bad now that I overreacted.

But I have to take my words back about thinking full custody would be easier. Hopefully you don't have too much BM drama and you at least have time to spend together. I can imagine that's rough because I never thought about the stage where you haven't met the kids yet. I'm sure you respect him for that and it'll feel even better when he finally agrees it's the right time to meet them.

How young are his kids?

9, 5, and 4. All girls. We have the same philosophy about kids meeting random people. He and the ex have been divorced for a few years and they are pretty amicable. So no drama there.

I haven't date a man with children in years so I'm still getting adjusted to the changes. We see each other about once a week

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

If I was only able to see my child (whether they are 5 or 16) two weekends out of the month, I would have canceled too. I think the only thing he did wrong in this situation was telling you at the last minute. That was inconsiderate, and yeah, it would piss me off.

Thank you.

 

[Hairsnob]

9, 5, and 4. All girls. We have the same philosophy about kids meeting random people. He and the ex have been divorced for a few years and they are pretty amicable. So no drama there.

I haven't date a man with children in years so I'm still getting adjusted to the changes. We see each other about once a week

Three girls!! Triple ouch!!! Just kidding LOL It's good you both agree on when to meet the kids. A lot of people don't realize that we're kind of nervous about meeting the kids also. You wonder if they'll take to you or if they'll be friendly. My BF wanted me to meet his daughter before I felt like I was ready so I waited a little longer. I somehow thought delaying meeting her would keep any drama from starting. You know, the kid feeling threatened by you or them going back and telling the BM that they met you LOL

But years ago my ex had two small kids and we had drama all day because they stayed with us a lot because of her dropping them off when she felt like it or when she wanted to go clubbing. So I always thought I'd never be that kind of meddling mother. I never meddled in my sons father's relationship and I respected their time. I just feel like if you put good things out there the universe will give it back.... I agree with that most of the time LOL.

I hope you can hang in there with him because he's probably a really good man. Think of the good things, when you meet them you'll gain three little shopping buddies

I'm going home now to try to think of how to apologize for overreacting. Thanks again!

Maybe we need a Divorced/Single dad Support thread LOL.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Maybe we need a Divorced/Single dad Support thread LOL.

Dating a Divorced/Single Dad Support Thread would be a great thread for those of you dealing with it

 

[Makenzie]

OP, happy to see you were just venting.

 

[Hairsnob]

If you were going to date a man with children this is the type of man you would want to date. You would NEVER want to date a man who would blow off his child to spend time with a woman - women come and go but children (and family) is forever.

I totally hear you on the PMS - my BFF also starts blowing up when she is PMSing and she has learnt, when she finds herself blowing up, to call and ask me if she is being reasonable.

@Sasha299 - Yeah, that PMS is something else. Everything is so exaggerated and then when you come back to reality you feel so foolish. That's exactly why you need BFF's to vent to.

And I agree with everything you say. I would never want a man to resent me for not spending the time he wanted with his kids.

Thanks!

 

[Hairsnob]

OP, happy to see you were just venting.

@Pretty Brown Eyes - Yes, I'm about to call him right now and hopefully clear things up. Thanks for listening to my vent

 

[nappystorm]

Three girls!! Triple ouch!!! Just kidding LOL It's good you both agree on when to meet the kids. A lot of people don't realize that we're kind of nervous about meeting the kids also. You wonder if they'll take to you or if they'll be friendly. My BF wanted me to meet his daughter before I felt like I was ready so I waited a little longer. I somehow thought delaying meeting her would keep any drama from starting. You know, the kid feeling threatened by you or them going back and telling the BM that they met you LOL

But years ago my ex had two small kids and we had drama all day because they stayed with us a lot because of her dropping them off when she felt like it or when she wanted to go clubbing. So I always thought I'd never be that kind of meddling mother. I never meddled in my sons father's relationship and I respected their time. I just feel like if you put good things out there the universe will give it back.... I agree with that most of the time LOL.

I hope you can hang in there with him because he's probably a really good man. Think of the good things, when you meet them you'll gain three little shopping buddies

I'm going home now to try to think of how to apologize for overreacting. Thanks again!

Maybe we need a Divorced/Single dad Support thread LOL.

Yeah that thread would be soooo useful right now. Lol! I'm just taking it one day at a time. My brother has sole custody of his daughter so I may ask him for pointers as things progress.
Make sure you give us updates, OP!

 

[Hairsnob]

Yeah that thread would be soooo useful right now. Lol! I'm just taking it one day at a time. My brother has sole custody of his daughter so I may ask him for pointers as things progress.
Make sure you give us updates, OP!

Dating a Divorced/Single Dad Support Thread would be a great thread for those of you dealing with it

I think it would be really helpful also. You probably have a lot of women dealing with these types of issues or even blended families, which are harder than ever. There are so many women who make it work but I bet you each one will tell you it was tough but they made it work. And even if some women are not going through it now, you never know if they might end up going through it later.

@nappystorm - That would be a great idea to include your brother for insight.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

If I was only able to see my child (whether they are 5 or 16) two weekends out of the month, I would have canceled too. I think the only thing he did wrong in this situation was telling you at the last minute. That was inconsiderate, and yeah, it would piss me off.

^^What She said.

(I miss the "Thanks" button )

 

[Bmack]

OP, I see your point he was wrong for not telling you ahead of time. However, he probably did not want to dissapoint her and its great that he is a good dad.

It may be because I do not have kids, but 16 years old it old enough to tell her that he had plans. I might get cyber bricks thrown my way, but I don't think I would want to deal with being second fiddle all the time or at the drop of a hat.

I am not saying you should break out, but I do understand where you are coming from. Perhaps you can explain to him that next time he should tell you ahead of time. And yes it could be much worse. He sounds like a stand up dude. I would expect a man to put his children first...I just don't think I could handle being in a relationship with a dude that has kids.

One last thing...why don't you guys spend time -the three of you?

 

[lux10023]

people with children whether it be a single mom or dad.. or divorced mom or dad...when someone has children i do beleieve their children are their first priority--

i totally understand how you feel OP...i too would feel some kinda away about my boo breaking plans last minute

I will say a 16 yr old teen needs her dad more than anything and based on the wknd arrangement they have it would make sense for him to choose spending time with her--it is effed up that this decision aroused at the last minute though...

 

[Hairsnob]

^^What She said.

(I miss the "Thanks" button )

I agree about their time being special since it's two weekends a month. But that's not the only time they see each other. He sees her practically everyday and any time he wants. She only stays over to spend the night every other weekend and one other weekday each week. So I hope you all don't think I was THAT cold-hearted, even with PMS LOL

OP, I see your point he was wrong for not telling you ahead of time. However, he probably did not want to dissapoint her and its great that he is a good dad.

It may be because I do not have kids, but 16 years old it old enough to tell her that he had plans. I might get cyber bricks thrown my way, but I don't think I would want to deal with being second fiddle all the time or at the drop of a hat.

I am not saying you should break out, but I do understand where you are coming from. Perhaps you can explain to him that next time he should tell you ahead of time. And yes it could be much worse. He sounds like a stand up dude. I would expect a man to put his children first...I just don't think I could handle being in a relationship with a dude that has kids.

One last thing...why don't you guys spend time -the three of you?

I'm so glad you could relate!! I was really upset but I've calmed down much more. I agree with everything you say, especially about her age and all. But after I came on here and got a rude awakening I realized even though it's wrong, I had to think about her feelings and her best interests. Girl, I tell you, it's HARD TO DO and it is NOT for everybody. It's harder for me too since mine are grown. All my life I've never allowed anybody to make me second-fiddle but me agreeing to date him with his situation is something I'm going to have to deal with if I want to be with him. Honestly, everybody's not cut out for it but just thinking that she'll be grown soon enough makes it easier to try to hang in there as best as I can. He even says that when she gets older he'll be free to do more things together.

But if he ever stands me up again without telling me as soon as he finds out I will wring his neck!! LOL

people with children whether it be a single mom or dad.. or divorced mom or dad...when someone has children i do beleieve their children are their first priority--

i totally understand how you feel OP...i too would feel some kinda away about my boo breaking plans last minute

I will say a 16 yr old teen needs her dad more than anything and based on the wknd arrangement they have it would make sense for him to choose spending time with her--it is effed up that this decision aroused at the last minute though...

Yes, I think being stood up aggravated it more because at that point there's anger and I couldn't even think reasonably. I was just saying in the above quote about how I had to start thinking about her best interests and not just mine.

I think the thing is, I didn't realize that kids of that age still visited on arrangements like that. I really had no clue. Mine used to visit their father every other weekend when they were younger. But they stopped going when they were much younger teens because they had things they wanted to do with their friends on the weekends. So I stopped forcing them to go. Heck, my boys didn't even want to go in the mall with me after a certain age, unless I was buying them something LOL. But everybody's different and I'm still learning.

Thanks all!

 

[hopeful]

Hey OP, I would have been upset too if I were you. You were all dolled up and excited and then bam, nope can't go because of a misunderstanding. Hopefully in the future they will communicate better so misunderstandings like this won't occur anymore. That is his job to make sure both of his girls are happy. Your feelings matter too and after two years of dating and being understanding, you had every right to be hurt and upset. Everything is not about him and his daughter, it also about you, and being the adult should not also mean you get the short end of the stick. Since you had elaborate plans I think he could have figured something out. Maybe the next two weekends with her? IDK, but I wish you the best.

 

[DragonPearl]

This is what stood out to me:

Well, something happened where the daughter had other plans on their planned weekend together so she didn't come over so she assumed she would come the next week. That morning he found out that she thought she was coming over that weekend that we already made plans but he didn't want to tell her she couldn't come over because he had plans so he changed OUR plans.

I understand that children are priority, but this is a case where the daughter made other plans on the planned weekend she has with her dad, then assumed she would be coming the next weekend. Then the dad cancels the plans he has made with the OP to accomodate his daugther. I would have been upset too. It's not the OP's fault if the daugther made other plans on her regular weekend date with her dad, and I don't think it's right for her to assume without consulting her dad that she would be coming over the next weekend.

Grown ups have lives too. The dad needs to be there for his daugther, but unless she needed him that particular weekend because she is going through a particular hard time, there was nothing wrong with telling her something like, I didn't know you were coming, so I already have made plans with so and so, and I would love to have the following weekend with you...

I am speaking as a stepmom who's gone through changes of plans at the whim of others who assumed things or just didn't care. After a while, i had to learn to put my foot down.

 

[Hairsnob]

Hey OP, I would have been upset too if I were you. You were all dolled up and excited and then bam, nope can't go because of a misunderstanding. Hopefully in the future they will communicate better so misunderstandings like this won't occur anymore. That is his job to make sure both of his girls are happy. Your feelings matter too and after two years of dating and being understanding, you had every right to be hurt and upset. Everything is not about him and his daughter, it also about you, and being the adult should not also mean you get the short end of the stick. Since you had elaborate plans I think he could have figured something out. Maybe the next two weekends with her? IDK, but I wish you the best.

This is what stood out to me:



I understand that children are priority, but this is a case where the daughter made other plans on the planned weekend she has with her dad, then assumed she would be coming the next weekend. Then the dad cancels the plans he has made with the OP to accomodate his daugther. I would have been upset too. It's not the OP's fault if the daugther made other plans on her regular weekend date with her dad, and I don't think it's right for her to assume without consulting her dad that she would be coming over the next weekend.

Grown ups have lives too. The dad needs to be there for his daugther, but unless she needed him that particular weekend because she is going through a particular hard time, there was nothing wrong with telling her something like, I didn't know you were coming, so I already have made plans with so and so, and I would love to have the following weekend with you...

I am speaking as a stepmom who's gone through changes of plans at the whim of others who assumed things or just didn't care. After a while, i had to learn to put my foot down.

I'm sooooo glad you ladies know where I was coming from and why I was so upset. I've been really understanding the whole time and for the most part, it hasn't been a problem until this. We set our boundaries in the beginning and there were a couple of times in the beginning where I wanted to do something that happened to fall on one of his daughter's visitation weekends thinking he might be able to swap weekends but he didn't. He explained very adamantly that he can't do it because he's been on that schedule for a while and he doesn't like to switch it up. He said the same way he wouldn't want to cancel plans with me, he wouldn't cancel plans with his daughter. I TOTALLY understood and respected him for that and I was not upset at all. And for the most part, he's been doing a great job keeping us both happy (of course there were a few times where he had to cancel on me but it was well in advance and the reasons seemed valid). So this time I felt like he ate his words about canceling and switching just because the daughter had her own plans on their scheduled week. So I spoke up about it because I wanted to nip it in the bud. I wish I would have done it in a different way but unfortunately, I blew up. I thought the exact thing, he could have still hung out with his daughter that day but explained to her about having plans later.

But unfortunately, it's just part of the deal because he has a daughter who is part of the package. And men do NOT want to say no to their daughters because they don't want to be the bad guy. It's one of those things where everybody says, it may not be right but that's the way it is. Uggh! I went through all that drama with my ex and I said I refuse to do it again. But when I met him it was really not a problem at all. So in the beginning of our relationship I expected to have some problems but we didn't have them so I got spoiled thinking everything was going to be great. So when it just happened I had to remind myself that this is to be expected when dealing with somebody with a child and I was just lucky all this time. Uggh again!! I still believe 16 years old is old enough to understand, especially if she had her own plans on their weekend. But what I believe isn't important when you think about coming between their relationship. And believe me, he'll end up resenting me if he feels I came between their relationship and that would be it for us anyway. Uggh! At the same time, he needs to know that he WILL respect me LOL. Who, in all honesty, would want to have to worry that each time they make plans with somebody that you have no say because if you stand up for yourself you're interfering with their relationship? But that's part of the deal :-( I just have to keep praying I can hang in there and I keep thinking it'll get better the older she gets. It's hard as HECK!!! That is exactly why we need a support thread!!

Thanks!! I guess I vented again LOL

 

[Guitarhero]

Did you have a calm talk with him? He's a parent and his daughter is no. one. He seems very involved with her. Kids are first priority, no matter how old they are. 16 is still a child.