DH is getting on my last nerve....what should I do?

[DKO]

Long story short....DH has ADD and was discovered through our son getting help for some behavior issues. DS has it as well. Anyway, every now and again DH will get into what I call a "mantrum" temper tantrum and upset over something usually very trivial. He gets to yelling, over reacts to things and his responses are usually WAY OVER THE TOP. Example, I tell him I"m going to church but because he doesn't want to go he gets upset and says that I"m selfish, then says I can move out and we can divorce blah...blah...blah. My reaction is I"m going to church and he'll get over it - which he does. He blows up, causes an argument and then in about 30 mins he's over it and acts like nothing happened.

Here is my issue - this happened again today, but this time I wasn't in the mood or felt like dealing with all the ADD behaviors so I let loose on him. Got very non-christian and cursed at him for waking up the kids by turning up the TV soooo loud to drown out what I was saying. So I called him a dumb a%$# and then proceeded to tell him he was a punk a*&^ bytch. I also told him to deal with his paperwork I was helping him with himself. Now I am going to give him the cold silent treatment for the next few days. He has to learn that he is going to have to control his outburst and anger and can just behave any way he wants to me. I'm no pushover so although I underrstand his ADD issue - I will only take so much. Despite his ADD issue, he at least is on point with the finances, and cares about the family. I just can't stand him when he gets in these fits.

I just hope I can last cuz other women in my situation get divorced and I don't want that at all. Though if it gets bad enough I may have to. But he doesn't get physically violent with me. I try to be understanding but I have to pick up the slack in the house due to his inability to finish/complete tasks. It takes him 110% of focus just to do his job & pay the bills so everything else is on me. I'm in church and pray and I may go get counseling to figure out how to keep myself sane dealing with his disorder.

Anyone else have a DH or SO that has a disorder or something that gets on your nerves (like gambling, drinking, porn problem, spending too much money, controlling, can't keep a job, plays video games all the time etc...). How do you cope?

 

[JustKiya]

Is he taking medication to address it? In counseling to learn how to deal with it? Having ADD is not an excuse to let the rest of your life - and responsibilities - slide. Hell, if it was you with it, you'd still have to handle your stuff. Men who pull this 'I'm ill, thus I can't do' thing get on my last nerve.

That's - unacceptable - to me, for him to force you to deal with his mess, and then act like it's not affecting you, your marriage, and your children. That's - insane.

 

[michelle81]

Surely he's had these same issues before you were married, the only difference now is that there's a name to it.

How did you two deal with these issues while dating, before it was actually diagnosed?

 

[DKO]

Surely he's had these same issues before you were married, the only difference now is that there's a name to it.

How did you two deal with these issues while dating, before it was actually diagnosed?

I thought to some degree it was me. In my research I have learned that the ADD person justifies their behavior in their mind and redirects everything on someone else. Some of the other issues I just thought it was depression, him or a "man" issue. Don't get me wrong, he keeps a job, pays the bills, spends time with the kids, and is overall a great person. It's just the annoying every blue moon flare ups that get on my nerves. ADDers are VERY good at compensating for their particular issues (every ADDer is different).

He REFUSES to talk about medication (even for ds even though the counselor recommended it to help him focus and get his homework done). He refuses to accept that he has this issue. So for all intent and purposes - - he doesn't have any issues or "mantrums". I've learn to pick my battles and when I'm tired and he decides to throw a "mantrum" I let him have it!

 

[Denise11]

I got rid of my ex boyfriend because of that kind of behavior. It doesn't sound like ADD. It sounds more like bipolar. I've always wondered if my ex had bipolar because of the excessive anger that comes out of nowhere. He wouldn't go to the doctor to find out though. A strange thing about it is that after its over they are furious for a while then later they act like nothing happened.

All of that drama and arguing wears you down after a while.

 

[daydreem2876]

Mental Health issues, particularly in our community, tend to go ignored because it is a considered sign of weakness, especially for men. But the reality, is that DH must deal with his illness or it is going to have negative impact over the rest of your lives, whether you are married or not because you have children.

I used to work in mental health so what I am about to say is not totally out in left field and you a welcome to take it a grain of salt. But you need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your DH about his ADD and insist he get treatment. I am not saying get into a screaming match about it, but have a discussion about it and the realistic ramifications of him choosing not to. Most likely, he is afraid of what others may think, but trust me there are a whole lot of people on mental health meds and nobody knows (because they take the meds!!!!). Particularly for your son's sake (i.e. if Daddy does not have to control himself, why do I?)

 

[DKO]

Mental Health issues, particularly in our community, tend to go ignored because it is a considered sign of weakness, especially for men. But the reality, is that DH must deal with his illness or it is going to have negative impact over the rest of your lives, whether you are married or not because you have children.

I used to work in mental health so what I am about to say is not totally out in left field and you a welcome to take it a grain of salt. But you need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your DH about his ADD and insist he get treatment. I am not saying get into a screaming match about it, but have a discussion about it and the realistic ramifications of him choosing not to. Most likely, he is afraid of what others may think, but trust me there are a whole lot of people on mental health meds and nobody knows (because they take the meds!!!!). Particularly for your son's sake (i.e. if Daddy does not have to control himself, why do I?)

Been there, done that. At this point I'm going to schedule a counseling appointment for myself to find a way to deal with it. Remember DH REFUSES to take medication at this point or even talk about it. AND he REFUSES to accept what the counselor said and accept he has ADD (He is NOT bipolar). Now we are struggling in the meantime with DS and his behavior and lack of focus in school situation this past year. He has been in counseling on two occassions and has ADD characteristics also. So at this point all I can do is change how I interact with DH and then decide if things don't change what my breakout point is. I really hate to become another statistic but if I have to be a single mom I guess I will.

 

[Keen]

Can you wait when he is calm and talk to him about this? If he sees his son act that way, let him know he does the same thing and it's a strain on you. I was going to suggest counseling but you said he won't go. If he is a member of a church maybe you can have the pastor talk to him.

 

[brownbeauty196]

Was he diagnosed by a professional as having ADD? It sounds like he has a personality disorder, if your marriage means that much to you go get help from a professional.

 

[prettynatural]

I don't think that is ADD. Sounds like he is emotionally immature and does not know or chooses to not handle conflict well. Some people give themselves permission to act out in certain ways because they get some kind of benefit from it such as, getting their way, gaining power and control of a situation. If he wants to change he needs to know that he can give up his ways and find a better alternative that is more healthy.

I would suspect that he uses the "mantrum" as a mechanism of control and it seems like he has a huge sense of entitlement thus giving himself permission to act out when he is in a disagreement.

 

[JustKiya]

Saw this article and thought of you...

http://www.adders.org/info146.htm