Decisions...

[LivingDoll]

Have you ever been in love with someone but couldn't be with them due to circumstances (i.e., they loved you but weren't ready for a commitment, they were already committed to someone else, distance, etc.)

Did you choose to remain their friend and suffer through the situation, knowing that not being with them was tearing you up inside...

or,

Did you walk away and nurse a broken heart...

What led to your decision?
What was the outcome?
Would you make the same decision again?

 

[CaliiSwagg]

Yes, with one of my ex's. I was sooo in love this this boy. I nursed a broken heart while I walked away.

The reality that he is a committment phobe and he can't give me wat I want and deserve led me to walk away.

The outcome was we he had to move out of our apartment and i didn't speak to him for a yr. It took me a very long time to get over him.

I sure would make the same decision again. He hasn't changed and I want a man that can emotionally be available and that wants to be committed to me. He was that in the beginning, then things changed.

Now, 3 yrs later we are very close friends. we have now been friends longer than we were in a relationship. I still consider him someone very dear to me even though things didnt work.

 

[LivingDoll]

@CaliiSwagg...

thanks for responding. Do you think you will ever consider dating him again?

I'm at an impasse in a friendship of mine. He's newly divorced and although I know he loves me (I've known him since high school), he's not ready to really jump into a commitment with both feet, which is totally understandable. I'm working through whether to let him go or to try to stay and stick it out. My heart tells me to stay, but my mind is like "Chile please...". He feels like we should work on it, strengthen our friendship, and see where it leads us. I'm like .

I'm too old (mid 30's) to be waiting for something that may not happen anytime soon. On top of that, when you're really close friends with a man sometimes, he stops looking as you as a potential, because you're always around...not as exciting. It would kill me if he met someone and wanted me to support him while he dates her and tries to figure out what he wants.

I think I've decided. I need to walk away for now. This will be the second time I'm walking away from him (the first time was 9 years ago). We love each other but our timing sucks big time. If it's meant to be, it will happen at some point.

 

[CaliiSwagg]

@CaliiSwagg...

thanks for responding. Do you think you will ever consider dating him again?

I'm at an impasse in a friendship of mine. He's a newly divorced and although I know he loves me (I've known him since high school), he's not ready to really jump into a commitment with both feet, which is totally understandable. I'm working through whether to let him go or to try to stay and stick it out. My heart tells me to stay, but my mind is like "Chile please...". He feels like we should work on it, strengthen our friendship, and see where it leads us. I'm like .

I'm too old (mid 30's) to be waiting for something that may not happen anytime soon. On top of that, when you're really close friends with a man sometimes, he stops looking as you as a potential, because you're always around...not as exciting. It would kill me if he met someone and wanted me to support him while he dates her and tries to figure out what he wants.

I think I've decided. I need to walk away for now. This will be the second time I'm walking away from him (the first time was 9 years ago). We love each other but our timing sucks big time. If it's meant to be, it will happen at some point.

LivingDoll

Date him again? ....Oh God No
Unless he one day wakes up and wants to committ to me and ONLY me and develop some type of emotional intimacy, then im straight.

Yea, your situation is sticky and I can tell you really care about this man, but he needs to get himself together. Emotions and logic do not come from the same place so I think you have made a wise decision to walk away for now so nobody gets hurt. Mind you, im in my mid 20s and I would probably have to take that L too and walk and hope for the best in the future. You know what you want and what you don't and even though ya'll have known each other for yrs and there is love there, he is not exempt of the standards and expectations that you have for yourself and your life.


I think ya'll can still strengthen the friendship as long as it doesn't give false hope and/or hurt anyone in the long run. I am a true believer of if it is meant to be... it will be. And if he is serious about ya'll evolving then he will understand, respect your decision, continue to get his situation straight, and come back.

 

[LivingDoll]

@LivingDoll

Date him again? ....Oh God No
Unless he one day wakes up and wants to committ to me and ONLY me and develop some type of emotional intimacy, then im straight.

Yea, your situation is sticky and I can tell you really care about this man, but he needs to get himself together. Emotions and logic do not come from the same place so I think you have made a wise decision to walk away for now so nobody gets hurt. Mind you, im in my mid 20s and I would probably have to take that L too and walk and hope for the best in the future. You know what you want and what you don't and even though ya'll have known each other for yrs and there is love there, he is not exempt of the standards and expectations that you have for yourself and your life.


I think ya'll can still strengthen the friendship as long as it doesn't give false hope and/or hurt anyone in the long run. I am a true believer of if it is meant to be... it will be. And if he is serious about ya'll evolving then he will understand, respect your decision, continue to get his situation straight, and come back.

CaliiSwagg

ITA with all that you said. I love the bolded statements especially. I actually had to remind myself that he IS NOT exempt...when you love someone for as long as I've loved him, it's so easy to fall prey to lowering standards because you so desperately want to be together. Had to put my big girl panties on and remind myself that I'm not accepting just anything from anyone...ESPECIALLY not him. It's funny that, no matter how old you are, certain situations make you feel like a schoolgirl. I swear...it's like the last 20 years of life and relationships has gone POOF!

I truly believe that cliche that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if it doesn't...well, the heart was never really involved, was it?

 

[ambergirl]

@CaliiSwagg

ITA with all that you said. I love the bolded statements especially. I actually had to remind myself that he IS NOT exempt...when you love someone for as long as I've loved him, it's so easy to fall prey to lowering standards because you so desperately want to be together. Had to put my big girl panties on and remind myself that I'm not accepting just anything from anyone...ESPECIALLY not him. It's funny that, no matter how old you are, certain situations make you feel like a schoolgirl. I swear...it's like the last 20 years of life and relationships has gone POOF!

I truly believe that cliche that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if it doesn't...well, the heart was never really involved, was it?

That's just what I was thinking.

Coming out of a divorce, he needs time to be unencumbered to gain clairity about what he wants next. And for men clairity typically comes from absence. They really aren't clear on what they want until they don't have it. Sad but true.

And especially in this situation where he knows you very well. He just needs to decide if being in a committed relationship with you is what he wants.

I say tread lightly, give the situation space and time and don't stop seeing other people.

 

[ladysaraii]

Been there, done that in my stupid younger years.

Never again. Waste of time and good emotion

 

[firecracker]

Don't waste your time or emotions on someone that is unavailable. If it were meant for you guys to be together it will happen organically.

 

[LivingDoll]

That's just what I was thinking.

Coming out of a divorce, he needs time to be unencumbered to gain clairity about what he wants next. And for men clairity typically comes from absence. They really aren't clear on what they want until they don't have it. Sad but true.

And especially in this situation where he knows you very well. He just needs to decide if being in a committed relationship with you is what he wants.

I say tread lightly, give the situation space and time and don't stop seeing other people.

@ambergirl... that's exactly what I intend to do.

Been there, done that in my stupid younger years.

Never again. Waste of time and good emotion

@ladysaraii...I have too, and while I did get hurt in a similar situation, it was that situation that gave me insight on this one. Before, I was hasty and I allowed myself to fall for someone who told me he was ready before the ink dried good (young and naive). I'm not saying I would never date a divorcee, but it's important to allow them time to become "unemcumbered" like ambergirl said. I think it's good to give a man AT LEAST a year after the ink dries, despite however long he was separated. It's hard when you love someone though...but i'm realistic, and I know that love is not enough.

 

[LivingDoll]

Don't waste your time or emotions on someone that is unavailable. If it were meant for you guys to be together it will happen organically.

firecracker...hey you!

I know. We're such good friends though. He always says I'm his best friend...we had a friendship long before it was romantic. We genuinely enjoy one another's company. I can tell him anything and vice versa. That's why it's so hard. I don't want to lose my friend, but I can't really be a good friend like he wants and needs right now. I would be constantly looking at him hoping for more...I can't do myself like that. I refuse to live in misery, just to stay close to him.

 

[firecracker]

LivingDoll you don't have to lose him as a friend but you need to lose your romantic feeling for him until he pursues a romantic monogamous relationship with you. Go on with your life if he really cares for you outside of the friendship he will not let anything, recently divorced or otherwise stop him from pursuing you.

The guy I'm with now was my friend for 10 years. We dated twice in that 10 years. I never let the friendship go because he is one of the nicest and most giving men I know. He was in love with me the whole time but I was in love with someone else plus I didn't want no damn man that was recently divorced w/a young child. LOL

Girl if its meant to be it will be but you cannot be the one wanting him. He has to do the wanting. Timing is everything so don't go daydreaming and putting your life on hold. You are the prize not him.

I totally understand the bestfriend part too. I'm living it right now. When I was ready to have him I made him dump some chick that wanted to be monogamous with him but he wanted me! That ***** wasn't getting my bestfriend. She asked him to be her man. Uh nope a man should be doing all of dat. She was toast. We ain't young either.

 

[LivingDoll]

@LivingDoll you don't have to lose him as a friend but you need to lose your romantic feeling for him until he pursues a romantic monogamous relationship with you. Go on with your life if he really cares for you outside of the friendship he will not let anything, recently divorced or otherwise stop him from pursuing you.

The guy I'm with now was my friend for 10 years. We dated twice in that 10 years. I never let the friendship go because he is one of the nicest and most giving men I know. He was in love with me the whole time but I was in love with someone else plus I didn't want no damn man that was recently divorced w/a young child. LOL

Girl if its meant to be it will be but you cannot be the one wanting him. He has to do the wanting. Timing is everything so don't go daydreaming and putting your life on hold. You are the prize not him.

I totally understand the bestfriend part too. I'm living it right now. When I was ready to have him I made him dump some chick that wanted to be monogamous with him but he wanted me! That ***** wasn't getting my bestfriend. She asked him to be her man. Uh nope a man should be doing all of dat. She was toast. We ain't young either.

@firecracker

It feels good to know that someone knows exactly how I feel. I don't plan to dump him altogether but I need some space from him so I can stop wanting him the way I do. Losing romantic feelings for someone is not so easy. I know i'm not supposed to be feeling this way, at least not so strongly.

Right now, we are so involved in each other's worlds, it's not good. Cold turkey is the only way. At least for a few months.

 

[firecracker]

LivingDoll don't go cold turkey. Just don't put yourself in compromising positions. Only meet up in public places and spaces so you can't be a naughty girl. LOL

 

[LivingDoll]

@LivingDoll don't go cold turkey. Just don't put yourself in compromising positions. Only meet up in public places and spaces so you can't be a naughty girl. LOL

firecracker

 

[firecracker]

See yo cooch gon fall off! LOL

 

[LivingDoll]

See yo cooch gon fall off! LOL

 

[tinkat]

Been in this situation and the best thing to do is to walk away, cold turkey....

I didn't and suffered a lot of heartache. I definitely learned a lot from it. But when a person can't give you what you are asking for it time to let go! Holding on to that...even as a friendship can block bigger blessings!

Once I truly let go of that in my heart, something way better came along. I then realized that what I thought I wanted would have never work.

As woman we are natural nurturers and always willing to support anybody. But I have learned to be careful in these " friendships". In the book, Finally the Bride, Cheryl McKay mentions that we should not let one gain a place in our hearts and lives until they have made the steps to committing to us. Protect and love yourself. That's what I learned.
Edited to add: just read your situation and I wouldn't cut him off cold turkey but I would definitely limit the emotional support. Just to protect your heart....

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[LivingDoll]

Been in this situation and the best thing to do is to walk away, cold turkey....

I didn't and suffered a lot of heartache. I definitely learned a lot from it. But when a person can't give you what you are asking for it time to let go! Holding on to that...even as a friendship can block bigger blessings!

Once I truly let go of that in my heart, something way better came along. I then realized that what I thought I wanted would have never work.

As woman we are natural nurturers and always willing to support anybody. But I have learned to be careful in these " friendships". In the book, Finally the Bride, Cheryl McKay mentions that we should not let one gain a place in our hearts and lives until they have made the steps to committing to us. Protect and love yourself. That's what I learned.
Edited to add: just read your situation and I wouldn't cut him off cold turkey but I would definitely limit the emotional support. Just to protect your heart....

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

@tinkat

I appreciate your post. I like what Cheryl McKay said...I need to pick that book up.

Everyone keeps saying not to cut him off cold turkey but I don't see any other way. It feels like we are together. That's how close we are. When you're that close with someone, it's extremely difficult to separate the friendship from the love part...essentially, they're one in the same. I can't stay around and allow him to have all his needs met (not sexually, emotionally) and I'm hanging myself out to dry...I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I just can't do it. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else. He has been selfish towards me and our friendship, IMHO...I need to be more selfish and take care of myself for a little while. He needs to go 'head on and be free to decide what he wants without me.

If I'm what he wants, he'll figure it out and come find me. If not, I'll be open to receiving what is rightfully mine.

 

[ambergirl]

@tinkat

I appreciate your post. I like what Cheryl McKay said...I need to pick that book up.

Everyone keeps saying not to cut him off cold turkey but I don't see any other way. It feels like we are together. That's how close we are. When you're that close with someone, it's extremely difficult to separate the friendship from the love part...essentially, they're one in the same. I can't stay around and allow him to have all his needs met (not sexually, emotionally) and I'm hanging myself out to dry...I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I just can't do it. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else. He has been selfish towards me and our friendship, IMHO...I need to be more selfish and take care of myself for a little while. He needs to go 'head on and be free to decide what he wants without me.

If I'm what he wants, he'll figure it out and come find me. If not, I'll be open to receiving what is rightfully mine.

I think it really depends on your emotional make up. Me, if I'm around a man I'm attracted to I will catch some feelings, so I would have to go cold turkey. Sounds like you're like this too.

And again if it's meant to be it will happen. I had a friend who was off and on with this guy for YEARS in a long distance relationship. She finally got sick of it and cut him off cold turkey. He was moving across country proclaiming undying love within months.

 

[tinkat]

@tinkat

I appreciate your post. I like what Cheryl McKay said...I need to pick that book up.

Everyone keeps saying not to cut him off cold turkey but I don't see any other way. It feels like we are together. That's how close we are. When you're that close with someone, it's extremely difficult to separate the friendship from the love part...essentially, they're one in the same. I can't stay around and allow him to have all his needs met (not sexually, emotionally) and I'm hanging myself out to dry...I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I just can't do it. I spend so much time taking care of everyone else. He has been selfish towards me and our friendship, IMHO...I need to be more selfish and take care of myself for a little while. He needs to go 'head on and be free to decide what he wants without me.

If I'm what he wants, he'll figure it out and come find me. If not, I'll be open to receiving what is rightfully mine.

Yes I recommend that book. I found it through the christianity forum which I rarely visit on here and got it for free( limited time) so I know the universe wanted me to read that.

Since its hard to distinguish Btwn friendship and relationship then cold turkey is the best. I'm the same way as you are. Plus you said he can be selfish, that's is a good reason by itself! Been in that situation...

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[LivingDoll]

I'm in a mtg...will respond to you ladies in detail later. Thank you ladies and I appreciate all of your advice and support.