Dear Prudence: My White Girlfriend Told My Black Mom That Eating Vegan Is Like The Civil Rights Mvmt

ladysaraii

ladysaraii

Well-Known Member
Friday Fun

Whose right? Mom or girlfriend?

Dear Prudence,

I’m a biracial (mom is black, dad is white) man, and my girlfriend is white. We’re both vegan, but my girlfriend is much more vocal about it. We recently went to my home for dinner. My parents aren’t vegan but prepare vegan food when I’m home. Over dinner, my girlfriend began comparing eating vegan to the civil rights movement, which my mom found offensive. I tried explaining to my girlfriend why these comments may have crossed the line, but she gets really upset. I don’t know how (or if?) I should try to talk to her about it again, and Mom refuses to talk to my girlfriend until she apologizes, and my dad sides with my mom.

—Racist Vegan

Your parents are behaving appropriately in light of your girlfriend’s racism, and she should apologize immediately. It is possible—easy, even!—to advocate for vegan principles without comparing black people to animals. Comparing black people to animals is racist (not “maybe” stumbling lightly over the line of racism, but fully fledged, fully dredged, head-to-toe, top-to-tails racist), your girlfriend was being racist, she should apologize for her racism, and she should stop saying racist things. She is free to be maximally vegan from sunup to sundown without making racism a part of it. It might also be worth asking yourself if you feel comfortable dating someone who goes so immediately and so readily to that particular comparison and who bristles at the idea of having to apologize to a black person for demeaning their personhood.
 
weaveadiva said:
I don't understand the correlation. Was she saying eating meat is like black people being oppressed?
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I was confused too, even though I had heard before the argument that basically, killing and eating animals is a violation of animal rights, and animals are being stripped of their rights like black people were stripped of theirs. A variation of keeping animals in zoos, and as pets for that matter, is like slavery.

I was just confused because the letter from the boyfriend was not clear at all about what the girlfriend actually said. At first I thought she was saying that vegans themselves have to fight for their rights, the way black people did. That's also offensive, but less so, but it doesn't make sense. But then, does any of it make sense?
 
There are a lot of layers to this. Sounds like mamma was reminded that she was the only black woman in the room and girlfriend's unacceptable behavior reminded her of that in more ways than one. Interracial experiences don't cancel out the black ones. I bet a dollar that aspect is the major factor. Momma was the only black woman in the room and in the moment. White girlfriend brought that uncomfortable reality to the dinner table. There are interracial relationships where two wonderful people find eachother, choose one another and enrich one another... period, those are the healthy ones... then there are those riddled with a history of rejection, self-esteem issues and finally finding acceptance which can be good but have more triggers than the first example. Girlfriend made mom feel singled-out in front of her mixed son and white husband. Girlfriend brought bull crap mom had found a semblance of protection from to the dinner table. It would have also been inappropriate in any other setting but this particular one had other factors that compounded it.
 
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Lylddlebit said:
There are a lot of layers to this. Sounds like mamma was reminded that she was the only black woman in the room and girlfriend's unacceptable behavior reminded her of that in more ways than one. Interracial experiences don't cancel out the black ones. I bet a dollar that aspect is the major factor. Momma was the only black woman in the room and in the moment. White girlfriend brought that uncomfortable reality to the dinner table. There are interracial relationships where two wonderful people find eachother, choose one another and enrich one another... period, those are the healthy ones... then there are those riddled with a history of rejection, self-esteem issues and finally finding acceptance which can be good but have more triggers than the first example. Girlfriend made mom feel singled-out in front of her mixed son and white husband. Girlfriend brought bull crap mom had found a semblance of protection from to the dinner table. It would have also been inappropriate in any other setting but this particular one had other factors that compounded it.
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Wow, this is deep right here... parents don't always think of the personal ramifications and emotions brought up by their interracial children dating outside their personal race...
 
Of course the white girlfriend got upset because that's absolutely a white girl thing to do. When confronted with their ridiculous/bad/oppressive/stupid/racist behavior, they play the victim. They make it about them. They lean into white fragility.

And mama had better stand her ground and never give in to that foolishness. The white girl needs to apologize or never come around again.
 
I was wondering if Dear Prudence was also racist because no where in the letter does dude say that his girlfriend was comparing black people to animals. So I am wondering what inherent bias Dear Prudence has that made her leap to this assumption. If there is more to the letter, then she should've published it in its entirety. From what I see the girlfriend could've done anything from ignorantly claiming that vegan rights are similar to civil rights all the way to something even more offensive and racist.

Either way, mom was super offended so I am assuming that she went into the racist realm, whatever was said. As such, she should apologize but tbh I don't know why she's still his girlfriend. If she's racist, he's part black so.... that means she's crapping on half of who he is. I am not sure how someone can be okay with that. That brings me back to the collective prom that allowed black people and white prom in Ga (for the same high school and yes this is recent within a manner of years) where the mixed girl decided to make an appearance at the white prom only to be escorted out by the police in tears. Her black parent should be insulted that she even thought of going and was okay with going a place that could reject black people. The point is, if someone is rejecting you, it is not okay or acceptable. And though we cannot fight every fight as no one wants to fight day in and out for every little miniscule thing, anything major where someone, someplace, or something that has significant value to your life does not know your value...that person, place or thing should not be in your life.

In both cases, I see that the mixed person is lost because they do not value their whole self. I would love to see a letter where he talks about his ex who did xyz versus asking what to do to salvage a situation that makes him and his mother uncomfortable because of a racist he chose to let into his life (and has not thought of even letting go of her).
 
The fact that she thinks the vegan ‘movement’ is comparable to the civil rights movement is racist in and amongst itself. She is comparing the ‘rights’ of animals (to not be eaten) to the rights of black people (to not be lynched).

Bye Karen. You will never set one of your unwashed feet in my house again.
 
White vegans do my head in more often than not.

If they are young I'm not surprised they are still together. Most young people don't immediately dump partners who say something ignorant. If he's 30/40 I dont know what to tell ya.
 
I did not think the conclusion was that far fetched. I grew up with (and was vegan) vegans and the white vegans were also animal rights activists too and in my opinion they somewhat (the ones I knew) elevated animals to human status. Funnily enough the black and brown vegans were vegans because of religious reasons or they saw being vegan as living cleaner. So their veganism had nothing to do with animal rights.
luckiestdestiny said:
I was wondering if Dear Prudence was also racist because no where in the letter does dude say that his girlfriend was comparing black people to animals. So I am wondering what inherent bias Dear Prudence has that made her leap to this assumption. If there is more to the letter, then she should've published it in its entirety. From what I see the girlfriend could've done anything from ignorantly claiming that vegan rights are similar to civil rights all the way to something even more offensive and racist.

Either way, mom was super offended so I am assuming that she went into the racist realm, whatever was said. As such, she should apologize but tbh I don't know why she's still his girlfriend. If she's racist, he's part black so.... that means she's crapping on half of who he is. I am not sure how someone can be okay with that. That brings me back to the collective prom that allowed black people and white prom in Ga (for the same high school and yes this is recent within a manner of years) where the mixed girl decided to make an appearance at the white prom only to be escorted out by the police in tears. Her black parent should be insulted that she even thought of going and was okay with going a place that could reject black people. The point is, if someone is rejecting you, it is not okay or acceptable. And though we cannot fight every fight as no one wants to fight day in and out for every little miniscule thing, anything major where someone, someplace, or something that has significant value to your life does not know your value...that person, place or thing should not be in your life.

In both cases, I see that the mixed person is lost because they do not value their whole self. I would love to see a letter where he talks about his ex who did xyz versus asking what to do to salvage a situation that makes him and his mother uncomfortable because of a racist he chose to let into his life (and has not thought of even letting go of her).
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I love animals as much as the next guy but animals are not people. And to compare them to black people having the same rights as their white counterparts is beyond racist. She didn't bother to compare animals to women (as she is one) or any other marginalized group, but black people indicating she considers black people and animals the same. What part of that is she confused about being offensive? She'd never be welcome in my home and if the son is young, I'd have a talk with him before she warps his thoughts on racism. Sometimes when you're young you don't quite understand what's happening but your black mama should tell you what's what. If he's older, I'd seriously wonder where I went wrong.
 
Ganjababy said:
I did not think the conclusion was that far fetched. I grew up with (and was vegan) vegans and the white vegans were also animal rights activists too and in my opinion they somewhat (the ones I knew) elevated animals to human status. Funnily enough the black and brown vegans were vegans because of religious reasons or they saw being vegan as living cleaner. So their veganism had nothing to do with animal rights.
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True. I guess there is a dichotomy there because I see it both ways. I can see the leap but I also see that there is a ---gap in between it because as you mention, it can mean so many other things. You point that out by even mentioning the black and brown vegans and what it means to them (which varies as you mention)..

Her assumption that this white woman said xyz when it could be one of many other points, could imply that she leapt to it because it's the worse possible option, just randomly picked the offensive leap, or has inherent bias herself. This doesn't overrule the fact that the guys girlfriend is completely out of line. I am just curious to where she fits in the range of possibilities. As for Prudance and her inherent bias , I was just pointing that out because I've found a lot of our allies also have inherent bias and make huge gaping assumptions that reveal their own issues.

Regardless of what she said, it was enough to upset mom. I know that any comparison to Civil Rights would offend me because it's reductive. A lot of times causes are tied to the black experience to elevate and bring a voice to their issues while at the same time trying to simplify complex ideas about the black experience (which also is varied) on which they don't really care to entertain, only to use to highlight their own issue. That in and of itself could offend the mom. I know it would offend me even if she didn't make the leap to comparing us to animals.
 
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The fact that he wrote a letter, at his big age, to see what he should do because his mother “found it” offensive and his dad “sides with” his mom...is interesting.....all imma say is that I have pictures of beautiful black women all over this here house, because let my son come back here with a white girl disrespecting me and acting like he himself is stupid. Let him do it! It won’t be Bc he didn’t know any better like this dude in the OP is acting like.
 
He should have handled it like this person...


Things People Learned About Their Partner's Families That Were Total Deal Breakers

"He took me to meet his parents and neglected to tell them that I'm black in advance. The looks of sheer horror on their faces made me want to leave immediately."

"Over dinner, his mom kept saying I hope this food is alright, I don't know what 'you people' eat. His dad asked what my parents do, I said dad is a welder and mom is a custodian at the high school. He responded with 'typical.' I stood up, walked out, and called my dad from a 7-11 pay phone. Never spoke to that guy again."

https://apple.news/A5WjShuiBTJKkl6rKOg4osA
 
Ganjababy said:
He should have handled it like this person...


Things People Learned About Their Partner's Families That Were Total Deal Breakers

"He took me to meet his parents and neglected to tell them that I'm black in advance. The looks of sheer horror on their faces made me want to leave immediately."

"Over dinner, his mom kept saying I hope this food is alright, I don't know what 'you people' eat. His dad asked what my parents do, I said dad is a welder and mom is a custodian at the high school. He responded with 'typical.' I stood up, walked out, and called my dad from a 7-11 pay phone. Never spoke to that guy again."

https://apple.news/A5WjShuiBTJKkl6rKOg4osA
Click to expand...
I can't help but think this guy did this to her on purpose. Was this some sort of trick he played on his parents at the expense of this young woman so they could laugh behind her back? I never used to think this way but realize now there are people out there like this. Weirder things have happened. There is another story in that link about a guy who brought his boyfriend over but didn't tell his mom his date was a guy and proceeded to text his mother in Spanish arguing about the guy. How embarrassing and awful. I just wonder how people can put unsuspecting people in these situations and not know something like this is going to happen and at least prepare their relative or gf/bf. It must be on purpose.
 
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