Daughter-parent relationship needs serious help

[Sweetyb]

Hey All,

I've been having issues with my dad's temper problem and honestly, I think our situation is one of those "easier said than done" situations. My mom's an enabler by having never left him for his abusive and temper-tantrum-throwin' ways. My dad has a terminal illness that is affected by his high blood pressure, and it's been worsening over the years, and lately over the weeks, because his anger drives up his high blood pressure. He has too much pride to where he will not surcomb to a terapist or psychologist, yet his children (including myself) have sought therapy dealing with his anger issue.

I know you can't force anyone to change or get the help they need, so I'm at the point where I don't want to love him anymore, no matter how sickly he is becoming. I'm tired of crying and hurting over how he treats us and others, and tired of dealing with his anger. Is there any last thing I can try to get him the help he needs?

 

[audacious1]

Hey All,

I've been having issues with my dad's temper problem and honestly, I think our situation is one of those "easier said than done" situations. My mom's an enabler by having never left him for his abusive and temper-tantrum-throwin' ways. My dad has a terminal illness that is affected by his high blood pressure, and it's been worsening over the years, and lately over the weeks, because his anger drives up his high blood pressure. He has too much pride to where he will not surcomb to a terapist or psychologist, yet his children (including myself) have sought therapy dealing with his anger issue.

I know you can't force anyone to change or get the help they need, so I'm at the point where I don't want to love him anymore, no matter how sickly he is becoming. I'm tired of crying and hurting over how he treats us and others, and tired of dealing with his anger. Is there any last thing I can try to get him the help he needs?

Hi there,

I don't know if this is the best advice, but had if I were in your shoes I'd have to love him from a distance. If you live in that household, I'd leave the first chance I get.

And from my experience, I also believe that you can't force anyone to do somthing they are not ready for or simply don't want to do. When he's ready for help, he'll get it. Until then the only thing you can do is take care of your emotional self.

 

[Sweetyb]

Thank you for your take on the situation. I think I'm purposely living there because of my younger sis. She, the youngest of 4 of us,will finally be finally graduating from h.s. next Spring, but if I happen to be fortunate to move out, I'll probably take her with me. I just feel really sorry for him because he's clearly a depressed individual who constantly says he's in this world alone. I just can't stand being fake around him, but yes, I think moving out would be a great thing for me.

 

[blackmaven]

I feel your pain. I recently gave my ill mother in law a break for being evil to me. My husband and inlaws wanted me to stay with her to help out. I just could not take the verbal abuse. I refused. I heard they gave her mean butt some zoloff. Whatever you decide to do make sure it is a decision that YOU can live with each day. I stand by my decision.

 

[Sweetyb]

Thank you for your response Blackmaven. I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. I guess it's true what they say about staying away from evil people, even if it's family

 

[Evolving78]

I don't have a parent that is ill but I know how you feel about your relationship. I had to come to terms about where my mother stood with my father and in the long run I respected her for it. A lot of women these days don't put up with very much and still hold down their family. My dad has done some crazy things to me and my brother, but getting older I have learn to accept the person who he is and leave it at that. I love my father very much and it took God and having a family of my own to forgive and accept things about him. I know I'm not perfect and there were times that I might have drove my parents crazy, so I try to keep that in mind when it seems like I should just leave my father alone. What I'm saying is it is ok to love your dad from a distance or try to see why he is the way he is. Him being sick or other things that happened in his life may be making him the way he is. Try to understand it for yourself and ask God to heal and comfort you and ask Him to forgive and give you peace of mind. Also instead of being mad at your mother for allowing him to do what he does, try looking at her in a different light.
God Bless you and I hope He will bring you and your family some comfort.

 

[Evolving78]

I don't have a parent that is ill but I know how you feel about your relationship. I had to come to terms about where my mother stood with my father and in the long run I respected her for it. A lot of women these days don't put up with very much and still hold down their family. My dad has done some crazy things to me and my brother, but getting older I have learn to accept the person who he is and leave it at that. I love my father very much and it took God and having a family of my own to forgive and accept things about him. I know I'm not perfect and there were times that I might have drove my parents crazy, so I try to keep that in mind when it seems like I should just leave my father alone. What I'm saying is it is ok to love your dad from a distance or try to see why he is the way he is. Him being sick or other things that happened in his life may be making him the way he is. Try to understand it for yourself and ask God to heal and comfort you and ask Him to forgive and give you peace of mind. Also instead of being mad at your mother for allowing him to do what he does, try looking at her in a different light.
God Bless you and I hope He will bring you and your family some comfort.

Also me not living in a house with my dad has helped me out a great deal. Because when folks start acting crazy I can take my happy butt home and try it again the next day if I feel like it. LOL! Once you are able to move out on your own you will feel so much better. It is hard when you have to subject yourself to madness on a daily basis. Stay prayerful until then!

 

[Starian]

Also me not living in a house with my dad has helped me out a great deal. Because when folks start acting crazy I can take my happy butt home and try it again the next day if I feel like it. LOL! Once you are able to move out on your own you will feel so much better. It is hard when you have to subject yourself to madness on a daily basis. Stay prayerful until then!

And there it is. I lived with my father (and mother) for a month until me and DH's apt was ready, and it was torture.

I'm so glad I got married and rolled out. It really is best that you live apart.

 

[Sweetyb]

I don't have a parent that is ill but I know how you feel about your relationship. I had to come to terms about where my mother stood with my father and in the long run I respected her for it. A lot of women these days don't put up with very much and still hold down their family. My dad has done some crazy things to me and my brother, but getting older I have learn to accept the person who he is and leave it at that. I love my father very much and it took God and having a family of my own to forgive and accept things about him. I know I'm not perfect and there were times that I might have drove my parents crazy, so I try to keep that in mind when it seems like I should just leave my father alone. What I'm saying is it is ok to love your dad from a distance or try to see why he is the way he is. Him being sick or other things that happened in his life may be making him the way he is. Try to understand it for yourself and ask God to heal and comfort you and ask Him to forgive and give you peace of mind. Also instead of being mad at your mother for allowing him to do what he does, try looking at her in a different light.
God Bless you and I hope He will bring you and your family some comfort.

Thank you so much shortdub78 for your perspective, this really touched me. I started talking to my dad again yesterday and can completely see your view of things. I started understanding that these little "incidents" of anger resulted from years and years of "stuff" that has gone on behind the scenes with my parents and their families, aparently not involving myself or my siblings at all. I understand now that things are much greater than I can understand and I need to start understanding my dad's perspective on things, no matter how they come out, anger or no anger. I've forgiven him and I need to trust him more as my father, and not take how he chooses to communicate so personally because I know he loves us all. And you're right, there's a lot we do too to anger them, sometimes on purpose, and I'm sure they've forgiven us as well. Thanks for your mature way of looking at the situation because he really does need us on his side now more than ever.

 

[Sweetyb]

And there it is. I lived with my father (and mother) for a month until me and DH's apt was ready, and it was torture.

I'm so glad I got married and rolled out. It really is best that you live apart.

That's the route one of my sisters took .