Dating: When is It Time to Discuss Major DealBreakers?

[Lady Esquire]

When is it okay to discuss money, religion, culture, and other biggies while dating? You've already done the deed, call each other bf/gf, and are about to meet each others' families. Its early on in the relationship, but its on its way to getting serious.

Edit: I was having a discussion with two good friends, both recently divorced and one of them is now in a relationship (although she still calls it dating). They've hit all the major milestones but she knows nothing substantial about dude. We're all in our early/mid 30s. She has a kid. There is no playing around IMO, at this stage in life. You don't have to pull out an application to drill him, but if you're bumping bellies, than TALKING should be easy. My girls disagreed with my opinion, because its only been 3 months. I was like, well, if you move fast, talk faster. No?

 

[AnjelLuvs]

That to me is not early on in relationship or even dating, said couple is already in knee deep... These things should have already been discussed IMHO... kinda backwards if you ask me... erplexed

 

[*5+5]

I wouldn't do the deed until those dealbreakers have been discussed. I do agree with AngeLB that they are already knee deep, gf/bf so are they technically dating?

To answer the question, I like to discuss dealbreakers right up front during the "getting to know you phase".

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I wouldn't do the deed until those dealbreakers have been discussed. I do agree with AngeLB that they are already knee deep, gf/bf so are they technically dating?

To answer the question, I like to discuss dealbreakers right up front during the "getting to know you phase".

I think she was saying that the couple already had sex, and NOW wanted to discuss the biggies: money, religion, culture, and other biggie, etc... erplexed... Hence my backwards commentary

 

[awhyley]

Not even the sex, but about to meet each other's families! That's a big deal in any relationship. They definitely need to get those pesky questions outta the way before either of them meet moms and pops.

 

[chocolat79]

If they're about to meet each other's families, those things should have LONG been discussed, IMO. Even when relationships are moving fast, you have to ask the MAJOR questions fast too. So, I guess to answer your question, now would be a good time to discuss the dealbreakers

 

[Bun Mistress]

I think early on. If they are dela breakerrs then why get involved with some one physically just to have them say they are in some crazy satan cult or into doing it in the butt. Or they have a tw odigit credit score. Sorry bad examples but those are my deal breakers. I wou;d ask they're credit score, but you ge tthe point.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Only thing I wouldnt discuss is your actual salary (I can wait till we are in a real commitment). Other than that I want to know your credit score, spending habits, and future plans for business or career. Sorry how you handle your money is very important to me.

I would hate to give it up and then come to find out I couldn't see myself marrying you.

 

[LongTimeComing]

In the 'meeting over coffee and I still have 3 other players on the bench' stage I lightly touch on those subjects.

Not 'How did you vote in the primaries deep', but 'Are you registed to vote? What do you think about this new gun carrying law?' etc.

 

[Daeuiel]

Call me crazy but I got all of that out of the way in the conversation we had on our first date. We talked for hours and managed to touch on everything I'd need to know to feel comfortable seeing him-- views on marriage, kids, religion, money, everything. Maybe it's just because I like to talk a lot, but I find it really easy to find out stuff like that. I never blurt random topics out, the conversation just flows the right way and we learn about each other. If the guy balks at discussing something that is important to me, even in an abstract way, then it does kind of sour the date a little, but so far I have never had a guy say to me on the first date 'well I never ever want to get married, that ish gives me the creeps!'

I figure it's better to risk weirding the guy out than find out 6 months in that we have completely different goals in our personal lives. I know I'd be happier with a guy who doesn't find it hard to talk about what he wants in the future than one who's motto is 'live in the now' anyway.

 

[VelvetRain]

We are a month in into dating and have already discussed The major topics. We are not exclusive yet but it seems to be heading there. We are both desiring to remain chaste and wait for marriage if the relationship should progress there. Even though sex is a no go we have talked about our needs which was helpful to know. So glad we got the major topics out of the way as it makes it so much easier to determine if we are compatible.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I actually prefer to find out all these things before we even get to the first date. It doesn't even take much effort. Once we know we're on the same page on certain things, it makes dating so much easier and more fun.

 

[Imani]

I've often wondered how early is appropriate to ask these questions. I'd want to know as early as possible. The sooner the better. Why waste each others time?

I've been brainstorming on not so awkward ways to go ahead and get it all out of the way on like the first date or two...if or when I ever date again At 28 I've actually not dated much at all so its all kinda foreign to me.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I think she was saying that the couple already had sex, and NOW wanted to discuss the biggies: money, religion, culture, and other biggie, etc... erplexed... Hence my backwards commentary

THANK YOU!!! I was discussing this with two friends, both recently divorced. One of them is now knee-deep in a new relationship, but they both disagreed. I don't want to get in with all of the details, but EVERYTHING you ladies wrote I said. But it fell on deaf ears. I'm done.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Once we know we're on the same page on certain things, it makes dating so much easier and more fun.

I said the same thing. It prevents unnecessary resentment, anger, time if you're not compatible. But if you are, it leaves more room for just enjoying each other.

Call me crazy but I got all of that out of the way in the conversation we had on our first date. We talked for hours and managed to touch on everything I'd need to know to feel comfortable seeing him-- views on marriage, kids, religion, money, everything. Maybe it's just because I like to talk a lot, but I find it really easy to find out stuff like that. I never blurt random topics out, the conversation just flows the right way and we learn about each other.

DH and I had the first few dates that were pretty much like that, quite naturally.

If they're about to meet each other's families, those things should have LONG been discussed, IMO. Even when relationships are moving fast, you have to ask the MAJOR questions fast too. So, I guess to answer your question, now would be a good time to discuss the dealbreakers

Okay! Thank you! I said this very thing. If he's poking you, no topic is off limits. I think she is afraid to go there, for fear of really getting to the nitty gritty.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

If you're meeting families dealbreakers should've been discussed. I get them out of the way as soon as possible because I like to weed out guys that aren't right for me. Weeding out deal breakers to me happens in the first date (or few at the most). By the time you've dated for a month or less you should know all you need to know in order to know if you should proceed or kim imo. Yes other "issues" may come up which will be a deal breaker but for the most part you should have an idea of where his head is at imo.

My fiance and I aren't doing the deed lol until marriage and the deal breakers have already been discussed a long time ago (so I don't think sex has anything to do with whether they are discussed but I do understand that if you are involved intimately they should come up if they're important to you [dealbreakers]).

I don't think things have to be super serious to discuss dealbreakers because then what? You've dated, you're serious and now you're in for serious heartbreak after say 6 months to a year of really being into someone who now tells you he 1)hates kids and you love them or whatever the deal breaker may be and now you have to break it off after becoming emotionally invested. It's better to know where someone's head is at the very beginning (before you begin falling so that you don't and you can move on to find a compatible mate).

 

[LiftedUp]

Before the relationship, by the second date.

The guy has to meet my family before the relationship. I need my parents' blessing .