BronzyBella
Well-Known Member
In my younger days (between 21 and 24 especially), I would let guys do all the pursuing (approach me, make the calls, initiate the dates, express their feelings first, etc.) It became a problem in a couple of past relationships. They would sometimes accuse me of having "walls up." On two separate occasions, I've heard them say, "You think that just because you're pretty, guys will want you and you don't have to put in work." That wasn't my state of mind/thought process, so I just brushed it off.
Years later (between 26 and 29), I decided to not look for a relationship until I got my personal ish together. Once in a while, I would date, usually older men (early to mid 30s). They were all respectful, chivalrous, and did most of the pursuing - but not in an aggressive/intense way (like in my younger days). I enjoyed their company and had some decent conversation.
Flash forward. I just turned 30. This past summer, I met this guy (a couple years younger than me) who approached me while I was at an event, would text me constantly (I know now that no calls = red flag) but would always leave it on me to decide when and where we would get together. I had never been in the dominant/decision-making role before but I went along with it. It was a turn-off and -- in retrospect -- hinted he wasn't serious about me. Needless to say, when I finally realized it, we stopped talking.
More recently, I have been talking to an old "friend" of mine. We dated YEARS ago and he was always the aggressor. He would be the one calling me, inviting me out, expressing his feelings, etc. We've been hanging out again but it's me that's been texting/calling lately. He's always saying "Text/call, ask to get-to-gether whenever you want to. I want you to." but in the back of my mind, I'm like, if he really liked me, he'd want to initiate sometimes. I kidded myself into believing that because he's been pursing me off and on all these years, he's currently enjoying having it the other way around, and that's all there is to it. But, like the other guy, he's probably just not into me.
Present day... I met this guy at the gym. I would see him whenever I was there, and he would always approach and flirt with me. When he told me I wouldn't be seeing him around as often due to work-related issues, I asked if there was any other way we could keep in touch, and he told me I could get his number through so and so.
I texted him to say hi a few days after I had gotten his number, letting him know that I'd like to touch base sometimes. He was like "When and where do you want to meet up?" I was like, "I don't want to meet up right now, just trying to keep in touch." He was like, "Cool. Let me know when you do."
So I texted him the other day and said I was open to meeting up sometime during the day. I figured he may not be a phone person and would want to get to know me better before he considers me a friend. We've acknowledged a day we're both free, but he's leaving it up to me to decide where we meet/what we do.
***
I've always been a pretty passive individual. Why am in these situations where I'm constantly having to be the decision maker/initiator all of a sudden? I don't know whether it's good that I'm developing enough self-confidence to take the lead and go after what I want OR whether I need to fall back because women who "pursue" men come off as desperate/devalue themselves.
What do you think of this recent pattern of mine?
And are there any patterns you carry that you've come to terms with or wish you could break?
Years later (between 26 and 29), I decided to not look for a relationship until I got my personal ish together. Once in a while, I would date, usually older men (early to mid 30s). They were all respectful, chivalrous, and did most of the pursuing - but not in an aggressive/intense way (like in my younger days). I enjoyed their company and had some decent conversation.
Flash forward. I just turned 30. This past summer, I met this guy (a couple years younger than me) who approached me while I was at an event, would text me constantly (I know now that no calls = red flag) but would always leave it on me to decide when and where we would get together. I had never been in the dominant/decision-making role before but I went along with it. It was a turn-off and -- in retrospect -- hinted he wasn't serious about me. Needless to say, when I finally realized it, we stopped talking.
More recently, I have been talking to an old "friend" of mine. We dated YEARS ago and he was always the aggressor. He would be the one calling me, inviting me out, expressing his feelings, etc. We've been hanging out again but it's me that's been texting/calling lately. He's always saying "Text/call, ask to get-to-gether whenever you want to. I want you to." but in the back of my mind, I'm like, if he really liked me, he'd want to initiate sometimes. I kidded myself into believing that because he's been pursing me off and on all these years, he's currently enjoying having it the other way around, and that's all there is to it. But, like the other guy, he's probably just not into me.
Present day... I met this guy at the gym. I would see him whenever I was there, and he would always approach and flirt with me. When he told me I wouldn't be seeing him around as often due to work-related issues, I asked if there was any other way we could keep in touch, and he told me I could get his number through so and so.
I texted him to say hi a few days after I had gotten his number, letting him know that I'd like to touch base sometimes. He was like "When and where do you want to meet up?" I was like, "I don't want to meet up right now, just trying to keep in touch." He was like, "Cool. Let me know when you do."
So I texted him the other day and said I was open to meeting up sometime during the day. I figured he may not be a phone person and would want to get to know me better before he considers me a friend. We've acknowledged a day we're both free, but he's leaving it up to me to decide where we meet/what we do.
***
I've always been a pretty passive individual. Why am in these situations where I'm constantly having to be the decision maker/initiator all of a sudden? I don't know whether it's good that I'm developing enough self-confidence to take the lead and go after what I want OR whether I need to fall back because women who "pursue" men come off as desperate/devalue themselves.
What do you think of this recent pattern of mine?
And are there any patterns you carry that you've come to terms with or wish you could break?
erplexed at that guy from the gym. Once he told you he wasn't going to see you as often HE should have asked you for your number. Did you give him a chance to ask you?
and don't even pay them any mind. I will "help a brother out," but I won't do a man's job for him. 
If you're lonely go out with with your friends to the mall or to sit & chill even if you don't want to. Enjoy them, their conversation, introduce yourself to a few cute guys in the mall (practice flirting), initiate a conversation with sales people or the barista if they aren't busy. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. And it develops your social skills.
