Dating Life and Relationship Expectations

K

kandake

Well-Known Member
I wasn't sure how to title this. I'm not sure if what I wrote is an accurate descriptor. Anywho...

Let's say you're dating a guy. Nice guy. You're getting to know one another. You have fun together and enjoy each others time. You're looking for a relationship. Not necessarily right now or with him. But you are a relationship minded person. After having a discussion you find out that he's not looking for a relationship and he prefers dating.

You're currently not dating anyone else. Not on purpose. You just don't have any other prospects at the moment. What do you do? Do you end things with him? Or do you continue dating (with no expectations) while making sure to keep your options open.

My friend and I have differing views on what should happen. I'm just wondering what other people would do.
 
If you're looking for a relationship, and he's not, and you KNOW that he's not the one, I really don't see why the dating would continue. Time to make room for the right person to enter your life.
 
I agree, keep it moving. People catch feelings all the time. I would not want to catch feelings for a man who has said he's does not want a relationship right now.
 
Ok, so you all have the same view as my friend. I personally didn't see a problem with continuing to date. By date, I meant just that... going on dates a couple times a week. No expectations, just continuing to enjoy each others company. While keeping your options wide open.
 
YOU need to date other people, all while dating him. Now that you know HIS feelings, continue to date outside of him...if he wants to hang out from time time, kool...just tuck your feelings in your pocket.
 
its hard to make that move, especially when you do like him and you are a relationship minded person... When I feel like that, I gotta keep it moving... lets him know you serious and he may come holla back when he is relationship focused...

As for me... Im cold as ice right now so, it aint nothing but a word... Dude tells me, oh im not looking for a realtionship.... Im like great, me either and sure enough... someone catches feelings----> and I'm like "Not I"

its kinda silly thought cause how can you know if you want to be in a realtionship with a person until you get the time to catch those feelings... a relationship minded person goes in looking to catch the feelings or do they make an active decision to play nice with this person and make it work...? I just dont get it so ... I never profess to be "looking for a relationship" I may be wrong but that sounds like looking for trouble :)
 
I'm in this exact situation right now...EXACT.

Right now we're continuing to date, but I'm thinking of walking away. I haven't reached my "I"m done" point, but when I do, I'll be gone.
 
Speakingeasy said:
YOU need to date other people, all while dating him. Now that you know HIS feelings, continue to date outside of him...if he wants to hang out from time time, kool...just tuck your feelings in your pocket.
Click to expand...

This is what I intended to do. Still debating.

Strangefruittree said:
its hard to make that move, especially when you do like him and you are a relationship minded person... When I feel like that, I gotta keep it moving... lets him know you serious and he may come holla back when he is relationship focused...

As for me... Im cold as ice right now so, it aint nothing but a word... Dude tells me, oh im not looking for a realtionship.... Im like great, me either and sure enough... someone catches feelings----> and I'm like "Not I"

its kinda silly thought cause how can you know if you want to be in a realtionship with a person until you get the time to catch those feelings... a relationship minded person goes in looking to catch the feelings or do they make an active decision to play nice with this person and make it work...? I just dont get it so ... I never profess to be "looking for a relationship" I may be wrong but that sounds like looking for trouble :)
Click to expand...

I kinda see what you're saying. But, I like to have a goal in mind. When I know what I want it helps me to weed out those who don't want the same things. That way I can make adjustments as to how I relate to someone. Like I'm doing in this situation.

Determined22 said:
I'm in this exact situation right now...EXACT.

Right now we're continuing to date, but I'm thinking of walking away. I haven't reached my "I"m done" point, but when I do, I'll be gone.
Click to expand...

So you feel my pain. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
 
You know, I have never said that I was looking for a relationship. As a matter a fact as soon as I feel free as a bird sure enough someone shows up and then asks me to go steady.

Happens all the time. This time though I'm sticking to my guns. I ain't catching no feelings either lol. I'm with you strangefruittree. I say if you want to date him date him OP but the man already said what he said so you would probably be better off dating other people too. As long as it's clear from the beginning. Make sure that you do NOT catch feelings and you'll be fine lol.
 
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I don't see that there's anything wrong with continuing to date, but it seems like it could waste time and energy. There may be no other prospects at the moment, but the time spent with this person that you know is a dead end could be spent getting to know or being available for someone with potential.
 
Seems like the perfect situation for you to come out on the losing end, with nothing potentially to gain.
 
The man showed you his card from the door. Why open the door if it's not what you're interested in? Your time, heart and emotions are precious. Why spend time trying to deal with someone where you will always have to keep yourself in check? At least if you are dating others who have the same goal, the mindset should be different and the process should have an expected end. :yep:
 
About five years ago, I would have said, "Yeah, go for it. It's better than not having dates at all!"

Today, I'm like, no way. If I'm a relationship-minded (or marriage-minded) person, I don't see the point of just dating a person for the sake of dating. I remember putting something like this on an online profile and a lot of men said they didn't "get" what I was saying... I told them if they didn't get it, they probably weren't right for me.

Here's what usually happens in these situations (and I'm speaking from personal experience). It seems like a good idea to just go out a "couple times a week," as you mentioned, but when you spend that much time around a man and there's some interest there, the possibility is very high that you will become more attracted.

Dating is not like just hanging out and being friends. This man will likely be showing some flirtatious behavior, complimenting you, pulling out chairs, taking you places, etc.... doing all of the things that an interested man would do. These actions are SUPPOSED to nurture a woman's interest, and it's often after a woman experiences these things that she starts to become more attracted to that specific man.

So... how then all of a sudden are you supposed to ignore the fact that you might start wanting more? You will want to be around him more, you'll want the security of knowing that he'll be there when you need him, etc....

BUT WAIT... you can't get any of that because he doesn't want a relationship. So you're now in a position in which you have developed feelings, but you have to do everything on HIS terms. He will see you when HE wants needs met (sexual, emotional or otherwise), when HE'S lonely, when HE has free time, when HE'S bored. He has no obligation to sacrifice himself for YOU, but you will have developed an emotional bond because of the closeness created through dating.

It really sounds like a raw deal to me. And I'm not saying that every woman will end up like this, but if we are wired to connect with other people, then why put yourself through a process that is SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO CREATE A RELATIONAL BOND but then have to hold yourself back and stifle the feelings HE helped develop because "he doesn't want a relationship?"

The stuff men try to get away with these days...

And as everyone else said, the time you spend "dating" him could be better used to date someone who wants the same thing you want.
 
Bunny77 said:
About five years ago, I would have said, "Yeah, go for it. It's better than not having dates at all!"

Today, I'm like, no way. If I'm a relationship-minded (or marriage-minded) person, I don't see the point of just dating a person for the sake of dating.
Click to expand...

Exactly, it depends on WHERE you are in your life and your past experiences. My thing is that right now everyone I meet doesn't have to be auditioning for a spot. There is no spot because the freedom is too good. All of a sudden though, I'm getting proposals from men wanting to be my BF but I am not interested right now. Maybe it's a phase...but I really just want to have fun for a while.

So yeah OP, if it's really a relationship you want and you are 100% sure, like Bunny says, then better cut him loose. Good luck!
 
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You all are making a whole lot of since. And then Bunny comes in here and breaks it down like only she can.

I still haven't decided but I definitely appreciate the input.
 
If your intention is to not catch feelings for this man, why engage in behavior (i.e. dating him) which will almost surely guarantee that result. It just seems like a recipe for an, "I knew I knew better" moment down the line.
 
i say it depends on how much you like him. i was in the same situation. i was dating 2 guys initially. one i really liked and one i liked just not in that way and didn't see myself getting srs with. the one i really liked was looking for a relationship also and the one i was so/so about made it clear he wasn't looking for anything too srs at this pt of his life.

i continued dating both of them and have had some good times. even when me and the guy i really liked fell out and i didn't have any other prospects. i still cont. dating the other guy and i dont regret it at all. i feel like if u can do it and see it for what it is,then go ahead. its fun and u get to go out and try new things.

also i would advise not speaking to him on a regular basis. maybe just once or twice a week, that way you wont get too attached.
i think thats the key. dating w.o getting attached.
 
Determined22 said:
Right now we're continuing to date, but I'm thinking of walking away. I haven't reached my "I"m done" point, but when I do, I'll be gone.
Click to expand...

I still don't see the point of this. Why reach your breaking point when you don't have to? Is companionship worth this?

kandake said:
I kinda see what you're saying. But, I like to have a goal in mind. When I know what I want it helps me to weed out those who don't want the same things. That way I can make adjustments as to how I relate to someone. Like I'm doing in this situation.
Click to expand...

The problem is that your end-goal (a relationship) is NOT shared by this man. If you're looking for a 'no strings attached' thing, then that's ok, but that doesn't correlate with the relationship-oriented person. Trying to weed out certain characteristics is fine, but if he isn't feeling you, this excercise is moot.

nicola.kirwan said:
I don't see that there's anything wrong with continuing to date, but it seems like it could waste time and energy. There may be no other prospects at the moment, but the time spent with this person that you know is a dead end could be spent getting to know or being available for someone with potential.
Click to expand...

Exactly. The person who maybe be interested in you, may back off because you're dating someone else. Don't play yourself on this one.
 
awhyley said:
The problem is that your end-goal (a relationship) is NOT shared by this man. If you're looking for a 'no strings attached' thing, then that's ok, but that doesn't correlate with the relationship-oriented person. Trying to weed out certain characteristics is fine, but if he isn't feeling you, this excercise is moot.
Click to expand...

How was the exercise moot? I weeded him out as relationship prospect.
 
kandake said:
How was the exercise moot? I weeded him out as relationship prospect.
Click to expand...

Because if you continue to date him there is a higher chance that eventually YOU will want a relationship from him. Dating is relationship behavior. It's very difficult to play a certain role over a period of time without eventually wanting that role. I'm not saying that you will automatically want a relationship with this man, but I am saying you are putting yourself in a risky position by continuing to date him even though YOU want a relationship (not necessarily with him) and HE does not.
 
~Sparklingflame~ said:
Isnt the point of dating with no real purpose is just to have an "*** buddy"?
Click to expand...


Diapers.... truly depends.... sometimes you just truly enjoy that person's company and things (career focused, baggage having, etc) keeps the relationship from actually happening... Or like me, not looking for a relationship and enjoying a scene with the company of a nice man :grin: feels nice, makes you look forward to wanting a relationship... but really... people who are just down for the coloring only, from my understanding, are not trying to be sitting up holding hands at candle lit dinners or strolling on anybody's beach anywhere... They are in and out, and in and out :lachen: the dating aspects confuses the color buddy dynamic...
 
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