Dark Night of Soul..Testing

[kayte]

It's been a challenge to keep my head up or even bowed as it were,these days. I have been receving rejection one after the other in an industry I felt God had given to me years ago on a silver platter and I just kept saying okay God I am open to where YOU will lead me...then some real hurt and rupture occurred in a beloved relationship...........and I felt the testing was just TOO too much and stated asking the questions Christian try not ask ....WHY WHY WHY
Isn't enough I have put down...........name-your-favorite-vice
In't enough I still forgive people who ought to be in jail
isn't enough...haven't I suffered enough ..the litany/inventory of my good was there... like I had bargained my way out of any more tests...
but that God had somehow cheated me of rightful blessing that I had more than paid enough dues for. WHERE WAS MY RAM? My mom used to say the Lord has a ram for you....in times of severe sacrifice

I went to bed just in such despair...I cant put words to it
Then I went to sleep... the kind of sleep where you cryyourself tosleep w/all your clothes including shoes on ...and every light blazing and tv... because you can't care anymore.The only consolation I had... was in spite of deep disapointments.....I KNOW I love the Lord with everying in me and HE knows my heart...I also knew there was TOO much to be grateful for to get in this mindset.....the Lord gave me... enough..even though one cancelled....but enough appearances to pay my exhoribitant rent this month....doing what I love to do.but stll the gratitude cld not penetrate

I dreamt and in my dream...I saw Jesus...surrounded by disicples and may be angels......I know it sounds crazy.....HE looked like the figures you see in the illustrated bibles ......HE filled the space ... yet there was a softness like a light but there was no visble light....HE was the LIGHT

there was such a feeling of sweet peace and love that I woke up still hurt but renewed in being open to the Lord's Will.... Lord I am trusting YOU another day....

At church the last hymn was Jesus Loves me
Now.....I am sure....nearly half the churches in the country were singing that hymn and yet I knew the Lord was speaking to me...a minister of the Senior Citizens ministry asked to take me out to lunch to talk about conducting a short series of writing wrkshps for the seniors for the fall and I said ..YES ....tho I was rejected by the same industry almost every week

as I left church.....I saw a car license with the word ..empowered

So it is....

xoxxo

 

[shalom]

Awesome. Thanks for sharing your testimony.

 

[kayte]

Glad it spoke to you!
I am still in that rugged place ..taking it one prayer at a time

gratefully in LOVE w/God

 

[plainj]

God always speaks right when you need Him to and especially when you cry out to Him. That happened to me just the other day. I love Him! Thanks for your testimony.

 

[kayte]

God always speaks right when you need Him to and especially when you cry out to Him.

THANKYOU
..just this moment I got hit again with tears ..I had thanks.. to this board gotten out of the habit of getting to my offce at noon as being self employed cannot afford to start the day after 9am,....today it after 12pm and then I did not work ..the whole day on a Monday...

I was on the phone with a new friend and just started crying it seems out of nowhere with this person and he was like it's okay..it's okay baby ..let it out ..I was so embarrassed...my dad died this time last year and I was let go from position I had for over a decade and simultaneously another relationship ended and now with trouble brewing in a new one...I guess those devastating feelings from last year are being triggered and re-surfacing.
I just sat down feeling forgotten by God and then I saw someone (you...ms plainj )had read and responded...right on time and I said okay..God... I see you are still listening
I know I am crying out right now..

 

[GloriousPraise]

I so understand what you've expressed. I've had a few teary nights over the past few weeks because of the demise of a long term relationship which just wasn't founded on Christ. The thing that has helped me most is reaching out to strong prayer warriors that God has placed in my life. In the past, I would always put on a very happy facade around the saints, instead of admitting that I was hurting and needed help. For some reason, I didn't want them to know that I was anything other than super saint.

Thanks for your courage to share, it has encouraged me.

 

[kayte]

I so understand what you've expressed. I've had a few teary nights over the past few weeks because of the demise of a long term relationship which just wasn't founded on Christ. The thing that has helped me most is reaching out to strong prayer warriors that God has placed in my life. In the past, I would always put on a very happy facade around the saints, instead of admitting that I was hurting and needed help. For some reason, I didn't want them to know that I was anything other than super saint.

Thanks for your courage to share, it has encouraged me.

I appreciate your honesty...and sensitivity. Thank you. I am so sorry about your personal challenge ...praying for you ,too....but heartened to hear you reached out and found...and are finding spiritual strength. I so need to hear this! I wish I was more courageous and not going through such a faith crisis when everyday there are even more reasons to be thankful. I guess that's the part where Jesus steps up... With Christ....We can all be strong women together.

 

[Poohbear]

I hope you can find peace in the midst of the storm you are going through. I have been going through a lot lately as well and I am gradually finding peace in my troubled and confused mind. Keep praying to God and God alone and do like Jacob and don't let go until He blesses you.

 

[kayte]

thank you Poohbear...
am entering into marathon prayer tonight
It's good hear you were able to find peace
and that it is possible in the midst of holy uncertainty

I look forward to being in a serene and happy place
once again and sharing it in the praise report

 

[SEMO]

I'm praying for all the ladies in this thread. Just wanted to let you guys know that. (((hugs)))

 

[kayte]

I'm praying for all the ladies in this thread. Just wanted to let you guys know that. (((hugs)))

Thank you for your prayers!!!. I read your post and was moved to go to a church at lunchtime and light a candle & holding all of us in prayer..specifically because of your post..thanks for inspiring that!.

 

[SEMO]

Thank you for your prayers!!!. I read your post and was moved to go to a church at lunchtime and light a candle & holding all of us in prayer..specifically because of your post..thanks for inspiring that!.

I'm glad you were moved to pray. I pray for others in their times of need and know that God has moved others to pray for me when I'm in need.