Daddy, forgive me for not being there...

[lady_brown]

I received an American Red Cross message a few weeks back. The message said that my father had suffered from a stroke, and was on life support. It said my presence was needed immediately for a decision. The one thing I feared for the longest time was real, and I did not know how to touch base with it. It felt as if I had stepped outside of myself, and I was watching this thing take over my life. The first thing I knew to do was pray...My ship told me that they did not know if I would be able to leave until mid November being that we were at sea days away from land. I prayed...I called the hospital the next morning, and they told me my father did not make it. I can't even describe the feeling, but I felt as if my whole person had died...I am my father's daughter. "God has ways of showing us who's God..." My ship detoured just a little to drop me off, and I was able to be at my dad's funeral. I could barely look at him...I carried so much guilt with me. I felt upset with myself for being selfish in joining the military, and angry at him for not telling me that something was wrong...that he was sick. I can't help but think what would have been different if I was not in the military. Would I have made it there sooner? I had not seen my father in two years because I was in Europe. I spoke to my father before I left Europe, and he kept asking me when would I be home...I told him January...I can remember the pause, and then he said as long as I know you are okay...I'm happy. I keep replaying that conversation over and over...I think he knew... I had not seen my father in two years because I was in Europe. The last conversation I had with my father was on Thursday October 26, 2007, and I remember thinking, "I will call him tomorrow...," I was so tired. I have not cried since I found out...not even at the funeral, but I can't sleep. Lord, I ask that you lift this burden off of me...have your way with me Lord. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently...the things I didn't say..., but the thing is we don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. God knows what's best...there was so much good that came out of this...I met so much of my family that I had never met including siblings, but why am I not thankful? LOrd, thank you...Thank you for blessing me. Have your way with me Lord...guide me as you see fit. God, has so much in store for me...
Pray for me members...Pray that I am able to open my arms and embrace God's plan for me. Pray that I am able to take on the days ahead of me, and keep living... In your name.
Thank you to all of you that kept me in your prayers, and to those of you that are still praying...thank you!!!

 

[klb120475]

Lady Brown, don't give up on your life. It sounds like you and your father had a wonderful relationship and that's a blessing. I've never had a real father so when I read of posts such as you and Dreamer 26 my heart goes out to you.

Sweetie stay strong and forgive yourself. Don't allow the enemy to keep you bound by guilt for choosing a career path.

Luv you much!

 

[HWAY]

Your father knew you love him. He also knew you are in the military and he did not wish to burden you. Please let go of your guilt and pray to God for comfort and strength. You father would not want you to be burdened now with regrets.
Take this time to pray and heal and grow closer to the Lord. This is a painful journey. My husband's mom died 4 years ago and he's still hurting. I'll keep you in my prayers

 

[donna894]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself during this difficult time. It's not that you didn't want to be there, its that you couldn't. You were days away at sea, making it impossible to suddenly catch a flight. Trust God in this. Know that things worked out as He intended. Your dad knows where you and he stood, he knows that you love him very much.

I went through something similar when my father-in-law passed. But at the end of the day, I remind myself that he knew he was loved and is now in a better place.