Closure conversations

How do you feel about closure?

  • I have all the answers I need before the rlp is terminated

    Votes: 16 25.8%

  • closure makes healing that much easier

    Votes: 26 41.9%

  • don't need closure I keep it pimpin

    Votes: 29 46.8%
  • Total voters
    62
*5+5

*5+5

New Member
I just had a 4.5 hour closure conversation w/my ex-SO of 2.5 years. I feel 30% drained, 20% satisfied, 15% uncertain, 10% doubtful, 10% hopeful and another 15% confused.

I usually do the recap of went wrong w/an ex years after the relationship ends but in this relationship we were considering marriage and we are really close w/each other families so it's been a pretty tough split so I decided to have the conversation sooner.

Overall, do you believe these conversations are useful?

Sad thing is you never know how liberated you'll feel after these convos or if you will heal properly w/o having closure. This wasn't a good look for me as we have been broken up for about a month and I was doing fine & now I feel as though I'm at day one.

thoughts...
 
The older I get, the more I realize that closure doesn't do ish for me :ohwell:

These days alot of my final decisions are based on intuition and there's no way to truly explain that to him. In fact, it makes it easier to second guess and for him to talk me out of it.

Most of the time you've already given someone the chance to explain themselves or make it right. So, when it's time to go, it's time to go :ohwell: eh.


ETA:

I chose option 1 & 3. Closure really just kinda drags things out and is really just a recap of answers that you already know. You really just have to close things yourself :yep:
 
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I get closure when its over and never want to revisit it again. Its draining and really I don't get anything from it. My ex husband tried to have a conversation like this and I was all like :ohwell:.....whatever dude. Your time to want to sit and talk to me was before I left. Its too late to talk about anything now.

I guess what I'm tyring to say is if you know the reasons why you broke up in the first place there is no need for a closure talk.
 
I was always big on getting closure.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize sometimes it's better to just leave it be.

More often than not, you know exactly why things came to end.
 
Depends on who did the breaking up... if he left me I would want to know why, so I don't make the same mistakes in a different relationship.

My ex-boyfriend and I never had a proper "closure" talk, but I did get some form of closure when he told me why he did certain things and was trying to ask me back out... I said no because at that point it was too late, but it was nice to have closure and not wonder, "Why the heck did he do that?"

As far as the conversation being useful... I would have to say no. In the end, it led to him getting his heart broken, and then cussing me out which made me feel horrible for a few days after, and basically destroyed any chances we had at being friends again.
 
I know the reason why the relationship ended so for me closure isn't really needed. It would be a different story if they just broke it off for for no reason and they didn't say anything. In that case yes I would like to know.
 
You do not get closure until you have moved on. Speaking on what went wrong only prolongs the pain and causes you to hold on to the tid bits of your failed relationship.

My closure is : Buy me some flowers make myself a nice diner. Have a date with myself. If I see you 3 to 5 years down the line we will say a cordial hello how are you and keep it moving.
 
Longdayinthepark said:
You do not get closure until you have moved on. Speaking on what went wrong only prolongs the pain and causes you to hold on to the tid bits of your failed relationship.
Click to expand...

I would agree with this.

In all honesty, what sense does it make to hash out your whole relationship for hours knowing that it is over anyway? To me, that seems as if one is wishing to hear a glimmer of hope that it may not end after all.

Like Longdayinthepark said, buy some flowers, have a nice dinner and move on.
 
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To me they are a waste of time. You already know in your heart why you are no longer together. Also, the conversation can be nothing but emotionally draining. It's either going to be a blame game, either party pushing their issues on you, or either party's feeble attempt to reconcile. In the end, all this does is make it harder to keep it moving!
JMHO
 
For me closures helped when it is not obvious and things had to be cleared up so that I could learn something. I gave up on explanations in case that I ended the rlp though (unless the guy asks).
All in all I think you only need closure if communication was not effective in your relationship. Otherwise both should know the reasons.
 
itismehmmkay said:
The older I get, the more I realize that closure doesn't do ish for me :ohwell:

These days alot of my final decisions are based on intuition and there's no way to truly explain that to him. Most of the time you've already given someone the chance to explain themselves or make it right. So, when it's time to go, it's time to go :ohwell: eh.


ETA:

I chose option 1 & 3. Closure really just kinda drags things out and is really just a recap of answers that you already know. You really just have to close things yourself :yep:
Click to expand...

ITA with the bolded.
 
I don't think they're necessary/effective. To me, it's right up there with the "last time" and all that other bull jive. For me, closure has been within me. Talks of closure only lead to more question, excuses, opportunities to "get back in", etc. The fact that you're even entertaining such a talk probably means you're not ready to end things just yet.
 
Take a deep breath and Let go. We have to love (ourself and him) enough to let go. Closure talks and hanging on trying to figure out what went wrong is really resentment and resistence to what has occured. This is where the PAIN comes from. Let go. If he was an *** and just bounced, do you really want to be around someone who doesn't respect himself or you? If the relationship just drizzled to nothing, do you really want to be tethered to dead weight? If you can't figure out if its a b-call or a relationship... just stop it now. Let go. Love him enough to let him really find who/what he's looking for. Love yourself enough to make you into someone YOU would want to be in a relationship with.

P.S. I just deleted some ignorant comments about the b-call and hit this "one for the road" mentality ...'cuz it may have distracted from the message :)
 
Thanx for the responses ladies.

Usually I don't do the closure convos for fear of learning something new or hearing something that stix w/me or having doubts. ITA w/what most of you ladies mentioned b/c this closure convo sorta put me in a bad place when I was treading along pretty good.

I felt as tho' I had no choice but to end the rlp & as I cited in the OP our families are really close and I just came back from home and everyone was hitting me "why" and "no u guys should work it out" and I guess I allowed that to get the best of me.

However, it wasn't a reconciliation talk by far he just hadn't stopped calling or texting since I told him to about 3.5 weeks ago (i've silenced his # so I don't get most of them) so I finally had the talk and he did introduce new ideas into my head and kinda spunned me about for that day and it also left him believing he can still contact me.

All in all u live and you learn and now for future ref. I know to keep it pimpin' b/c it's much easier that way.
 
*5+5 said:
Thanx for the responses ladies.

Usually I don't do the closure convos for fear of learning something new or hearing something that stix w/me or having doubts. ITA w/what most of you ladies mentioned b/c this closure convo sorta put me in a bad place when I was treading along pretty good.

I felt as tho' I had no choice but to end the rlp & as I cited in the OP our families are really close and I just came back from home and everyone was hitting me "why" and "no u guys should work it out" and I guess I allowed that to get the best of me.

However, it wasn't a reconciliation talk by far he just hadn't stopped calling or texting since I told him to about 3.5 weeks ago (i've silenced his # so I don't get most of them) so I finally had the talk and he did introduce new ideas into my head and kinda spunned me about for that day and it also left him believing he can still contact me.

All in all u live and you learn and now for future ref. I know to keep it pimpin' b/c it's much easier that way.
Click to expand...

:up:And that's really the point. Letting go of someone you care for is going to be tough. So the easiest route you give yourself the better. :yep:
 
Don't need to have those converations verbally. I usually put it down in my head and leave it at that. That dramatic closing is for the movies.

All that rehashing about what went wrong in the relationship is BLAH. Hell I lived it, so I don't need to chat about it anymore.
 
those conversations are rough... they're only necessary if you're not sure why the relationship ended. when they toss you the "it's not you, it's me" over the phone, that's when an in-depth closure convo is necessary.

but when they cheat on you with over 5 women, n send you pictures of each and every one of them via cell phone camera, cuss you out, n don't treat you right... because they've never treated you right... no convo necessary. immediately cut off for life. :nono:


...

gosh i hate relationships... and men...
 
It might not have worked for you all but cot damn having that talk worked for me. Because I was just at a lost as to how everything got that way. I got the apology I wanted and it felt like weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I think we just had bad communication. He didnt tell me how he felt and I didnt tell him how I felt so we both though each other didnt care. LOL its sad really. I think getting closure is a personal preference and it also depends on the relationship. My DF I didnt need to have the talk with him. I knew why it ended we didnt need to sit around and say anything to each other after it was done and over. I didnt want nor care too but with my last guy I dunno we werent together as long but our relationship was/is deeper.
 
I had a closure conversation with my ex a few weeks ago. It actually helped a lot. We aren't really friends anymore but it was interesting to know what he was thinking. He admitted to being wrong but he said by the time he realized that things were so messed up he couldn't bear to admit it and stuck with his decision... well oh well. Too late now!
 
tarheelgurl said:
I get closure when its over and never want to revisit it again. Its draining and really I don't get anything from it. My ex husband tried to have a conversation like this and I was all like :ohwell:.....whatever dude. Your time to want to sit and talk to me was before I left. Its too late to talk about anything now.

I guess what I'm tyring to say is if you know the reasons why you broke up in the first place there is no need for a closure talk.
Click to expand...

We have the same situation. I walked out that door when I had closure. It was sad because that was hard for him to swallow but he was too late. I'd spent 8 years telling my exH that things needed to change and that there was a serious problem. Fool didn't wanna listen.

On another note though....I did benefit from having a different kind of closure years after our divorce. I was five years away from him and 3 years divorced from him and I had been holding onto bitterness because he was an ***. Well, one day I woke up and realized that I was going to forgive him so that I could move on and that if I didn't, I'd never move forward and we'd always struggle relating to each other since we have children. So, I did, I forgave him (no forgetting) and I let him know it. We had a brief talk wherein I let him know this, and that was the end of it. I've had no more personal feelings of emotion about him since then. I don't feel responsible for his actions and I don't feel that I have to respond to any of them anymore. We get along for the kids' sake and work together in that way and when he is being an ***, I can honestly look at him and thank God he's not my *** anymore. :lachen: So, in that way, that closure was good.
 
*5+5 said:
Well....3 weeks after I created this thread he got me back. :grin::perplexed:lachen:
Click to expand...

You're back together? I knew somethin was fishy when you told us it was a 4.5 hour closure convo! I thought, "that sounds like two people who don't wanna let go"
 
CantBeCopied said:
You're back together? I knew somethin was fishy when you told us it was a 4.5 hour closure convo! I thought, "that sounds like two people who don't wanna let go"
Click to expand...

Yeah we got back together around Labor Day. Before that convo I had in my mind that I was done...I was tired of em', I guess he didn't want to let go so he put out his best stuff in that convo to win me back and backed it up all the days that followed until he eventually broke me down.

Longdayinthepark said:
You know? :lachen::lachen: How is he treating you now?
Click to expand...

He never treated me bad he was just a lil' immature relationship wise...I no longer sweat the small stuff and he understands how to have an adult relationship :)
 
Longdayinthepark said:
You do not get closure until you have moved on. Speaking on what went wrong only prolongs the pain and causes you to hold on to the tid bits of your failed relationship.

My closure is : Buy me some flowers make myself a nice diner. Have a date with myself. If I see you 3 to 5 years down the line we will say a cordial hello how are you and keep it moving.
Click to expand...

I used to think I needed closure. You know to tell em everything that I was doing wrong, and how I could change it in the future. Hwo I could make things right, even fi it was he who was emotionally draining. Man closure convos just leave you depressed eating bon bons and wanting the guy back to prove to him that you are capable of loving him how he should be loved...:nono::nono: Now I just wanna move on with my life as soon as possible
 
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