Chronically Single: Can Anyone Relate To This?

[Belle Du Jour]

Good morning, I felt inspired to share this podcast on being chronically single.



Even though I was doing inner work before hearing this podcast, it really resonated with me and I went even deeper on my journey. I realized that even though I was making progress, I was very much still stuck in this mindset. Chronically single became a way of life for me. I've been in various coaching groups (and I'm also a life coach) and I notice that women generally fall into 2 categories when it comes to doing inner work around love/relationships:

-Category 1: They never had a problem meeting, dating, finding men. They just couldn't keep a man long term or they kept attracting the same type of man. These women usually turn things around in a very short time frame once they learn feminine energy, patterns, etc.

-Category 2: They are chronically single or go long stretches of time between relationships. They have never been in a relationship or had maybe 1 or 2 max long-term relationships. These women usually have deeper issues (around self-worth, emotional unavailability, abandonment, limiting beliefs, mindset, etc). These women often do a lot of inner work and even work with different coaches but it takes a longer time to get the momentum going.

Can you relate to this? Let's discuss!

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

I always feel it’s a numbers game to find an AA male who’s background and interest resembling mine is like a finding a needle in a haystack.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I always feel it’s a numbers game to find an AA male who’s background and interest resembling mine is like a finding a needle in a haystack.

If your belief is that finding the type of man you want is like finding a needle in a haystack, then you'll continue to manifest it.

What are your thoughts about mindset work or the law of attraction?

 

[hopeful]

Belle, I have definitely been number 2. I was married for nearly 30 years and have been single now for 4 years, legally divorced 2 1/2 years. I definitely had deeper issues and needed time to heal. But thank you for this. As I prepare to step back into the dating world I don’t want to be one or two moving forward. Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s inspirational.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Belle, I have definitely been number 2. I was married for nearly 30 years and have been single now for 4 years, legally divorced 2 1/2 years. I definitely had deeper issues and needed time to heal. But thank you for this. As I prepare to step back into the dating world I don’t want to be one or two moving forward. Thank you for sharing this with us. It’s inspirational.

Wishing you the best along your path.

 

[blah54]

Great broadcast what is the name of their podcast. It felt like i was heading that direction since i been single for over 2 years and counting and this is from a girl who awas in 2 long term relationships.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

If your belief is that finding the type of man you want is like finding a needle in a haystack, then you'll continue to manifest it.

What are your thoughts about mindset work or the law of attraction?

I don’t think it has anything to do with my beliefs it’s a statistical fact. But I see your point.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I don’t think it has anything to do with my beliefs it’s a statistical fact. But I see your point.

Oh I agree with you that it's a statistical "fact" but I guess I also believe that facts are irrelevant I know it sounds crazy...but people manifest things ALL THE TIME despite "facts." "Facts" don't have to matter in your world. Join us in the manifesting mavens thread!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great broadcast what is the name of their podcast. It felt like i was heading that direction since i been single for over 2 years and counting and this is from a girl who awas in 2 long term relationships.

Love Works Podcast

I think a lot of women can find themselves in that position and then it becomes normal. You get used to it. I'm NOT saying being single is a crime or abnormal...but if you want a relationship but it's not happening, something is going on there. It becomes a paradigm, just like all other paradigms. We all have programs running that teach us what we can expect ie the poor program, the single program, the obese/big-boned program, etc.

 

[Dposh167]

Wow...I feel personally called out lol

thanks for posting this.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Wow...I feel personally called out lol

thanks for posting this.

As did I when I first listened to it. But I let it motivate me to continue digging deeper.

 

[Silkycoils]

OMGAWSH . . .this is me.

I'm at that point where I refuse to do online dating because I'm tired of being disappointed. I am able to self-soothe for ths most part, and my tolerance level is verrrrrrry low.

It just take care of myself. This is a fantastic podcast!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

OMGAWSH . . .this is me.

I'm at that point where I refuse to do online dating because I'm tired of being disappointed. I am able to self-soothe for ths most part, and my tolerance level is verrrrrrry low.

It just take care of myself. This is a fantastic podcast!

Thank you for sharing. Awareness is the first step. Now you get to decide if/when/how you want to change this

 

[Dposh167]

I started listening to a few of her other episodes. She's very good at breaking down the 5 different dating "archetypes" as she puts it. I knew there was a problem with how quickly I retreat from dating when I receive 1 lowsy disappointment. It's very hard to get outta that mindset when you've been reacting that way for a long time. I knew after my last relationship that I wanted to be single for a bit....but that bit stretched longer than intended and I kept telling myself it's because "I'm happy being alone right now". To an extent it's true....but to another extent it's fear based

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I started listening to a few of her other episodes. She's very good at breaking down the 5 different dating "archetypes" as she puts it. I knew there was a problem with how quickly I retreat from dating when I receive 1 lowsy disappointment. It's very hard to get outta that mindset when you've been reacting that way for a long time. I knew after my last relationship that I wanted to be single for a bit....but that bit stretched longer than intended and I kept telling myself it's because "I'm happy being alone right now". To an extent it's true....but to another extent it's fear based

Yes! This is very common. It's fear that keeps us stuck, no matter how we label it. We're either choosing love or fear. I'm all for healing after a heartbreak but it shouldn't take months or years to get back on the proverbial horse. And most people aren't really healing after these heartbreaks, they're just avoiding relationships. These stuck emotions basically keep us stuck in this chronically single state.

 

[caribeandiva]

Oh I agree with you that it's a statistical "fact" but I guess I also believe that facts are irrelevant I know it sounds crazy...but people manifest things ALL THE TIME despite "facts." "Facts" don't have to matter in your world. Join us in the manifesting mavens thread!

Agreed 100%!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Agreed 100%!

Yep! I just mind my own business I don't pay attention to anyone and their facts because no one can create anything in my reality that I don't accept. I just focus on what I choose to focus on. No one can stop me from choosing my own thoughts.

 

[caribeandiva]

Category 1: They never had a problem meeting, dating, finding men. They just couldn't keep a man long term or they kept attracting the same type of man. These women usually turn things around in a very short time frame once they learn feminine energy, patterns, etc.

I fall into this category. I’m very popular with men and can pull whoever I want. I have no problem getting dates, adding men my roster, etc... My longest relationship has been 2-3 months. I honestly wanted to be single. That was an unconscious, that eventually turned conscious, decision on my part. I took full responsibility for it. I didn’t wanna have anyone to answer to, to control me, criticize me, tell me what I’m doing wrong or have to share my bed/life. I had a lot of fear around it. In short, I wasn’t ready. I has a lot of healing to do which I did by the grace of God.

So most of what she said didn’t surprise me. What did shock me though is when she explained how I totally wrap my identity around being single. That’s true. That’s been my identity. I remember the last guy I really liked/dated called me Mrs “the nickname I gave him” and I corrected him, reminded him that no, I’m MISS Caribeandiva, no one’s wifey or mrs! Attached to the single title indeed. I take a strange pride in it.

Another aha moment was the living in the past comment. So true. Need to quit rehashing my past relationship failures. Thank goodness I let go of the guilt I was carrying around that recently. It was keeping me stuck. All that to say I’m finally at a place in life where I’m ready to let love him. In my India Arie voice: “I am ready for love”. My soulmate is on his way as we speak.

 

[caribeandiva]

Love Works Podcast

I think a lot of women can find themselves in that position and then it becomes normal. You get used to it. I'm NOT saying being single is a crime or abnormal...but if you want a relationship but it's not happening, something is going on there. It becomes a paradigm, just like all other paradigms. We all have programs running that teach us what we can expect ie the poor program, the single program, the obese/big-boned program, etc.

This is definitely me. I’m so comfortable being alone that it’s my paradigm. I enjoyed the heck out of my singleness! I had a blast. Being one half of a couple though will be a paradigm shift for me.

 

[caribeandiva]

Wow...I feel personally called out lol

thanks for posting this.

Same! She read me my whole life!

 

[caribeandiva]

... I knew there was a problem with how quickly I retreat from dating when I receive 1 lowsy disappointment. It's very hard to get outta that mindset when you've been reacting that way for a long time. I knew after my last relationship that I wanted to be single for a bit....but that bit stretched longer than intended and I kept telling myself it's because "I'm happy being alone right now". To an extent it's true....but to another extent it's fear based

I could’ve written this whole post myself. A 6 month break has stretched into 4 years. I did use that break productively and completely changed my life in every area. So it was needed and very beneficial to me. In my case it was a good thing.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I fall into this category. I’m very popular with men and can pull whoever I want. I have no problem getting dates, adding men my roster, etc... My longest relationship has been 2-3 months. I honestly wanted to be single. That was an unconscious, that eventually turned conscious, decision on my part. I took full responsibility for it. I didn’t wanna have anyone to answer to, to control me, criticize me, tell me what I’m doing wrong or have to share my bed/life. I had a lot of fear around it. In short, I wasn’t ready. I has a lot of healing to do which I did by the grace of God.

So most of what she said didn’t surprise me. What did shock me though is when she explained how I totally wrap my identity around being single. That’s true. That’s been my identity. I remember the last guy I really liked/dated called me Mrs “the nickname I gave him” and I corrected him, reminded him that no, I’m MISS Caribeandiva, no one’s wifey or mrs! Attached to the single title indeed. I take a strange pride in it.

Another aha moment was the living in the past comment. So true. Need to quit rehashing my past relationship failures. Thank goodness I let go of the guilt I was carrying around that recently. It was keeping me stuck. All that to say I’m finally at a place in life where I’m ready to let love him. In my India Arie voice: “I am ready for love”. My soulmate is on his way as we speak.

@caribeandiva do you think it's possible that you have intimacy fears that cause you to push men away before things too serious or to prevent him from rejecting you later on?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

This is definitely me. I’m so comfortable being alone that it’s my paradigm. I enjoyed the heck out of my singleness! I had a blast. Being one half of a couple though will be a paradigm shift for me.

Our brain is wired to keep us safe and to the mind, familiar equals safe (even if it's not what we want ) . The subconscious controls 95% of our behavior so that little 5% that wants to be in a relationship? It doesn't a chance against the subconscious which has been recording ALL the reasons why we shouldn't be in a relationship. It won't shift until we gain awareness and start making new choices (which are very very difficult at first).

 

[caribeandiva]

@caribeandiva do you think it's possible that you have intimacy fears that cause you to push men away before things too serious or to prevent him from rejecting you later on?

Yes yes and yes. I don’t let men get too close and I leave first before they leave me.

 

[caribeandiva]

I listened to the other archetype podcasts. I also relate to the totally single total catch archetype. Everything she described there was on point.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yes yes and yes. I don’t let men get too close and I leave first before they leave me.

That's good to know! So when you're at that point with a great guy again and you already know that you have this pattern, you can make a different choice. You may feel sick to your stomach LOL. But when you do it once, it gets easier each time.

I'll share a small part of my own journey: I remember when I said I wanted to meet someone, but when men were calling and texting me I would literally roll my eyes Yeah, talk about inconsistent energy. Now I've got men dropping things off for me during the pandemic to make sure my basic needs are met and I am happily receiving. Quite a shift

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I listened to the other archetype podcasts. I also relate to the totally single total catch archetype. Everything she described there was on point.

That one resonated with me as well

 

[awhyley]

Wow...I feel personally called out lol.

Ditto.

This was really eye (and heart) opening though. She really brought forth things that I want to address, (esp., the Prince Charming part).

 

[caribeandiva]

The episode she posted about aspiring mothers who fear missing out on motherhood really spoke to me too.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-works-with-nicole-moore/id1372248881?i=1000474102209
This podcast really is working on me and the remaining blocks I had in my heart and mind to love. Thank you @Belle Du Jour for starting this thread and introducing me to her work.

 

[awhyley]

@caribeandiva, thanks for posting the link for the podcasts.
I'm going to start with "Your Man Ain't Your Financial Plan"