Childhood abuse and it's affect on adult relationships

[zzirvingj]

I hope I don't offend anyone with this topic but I thought it could end up being an insightful thread.

I'd like to hear from those women who were abused during their childhood and/or teenage years, particularly if it was by a parent or close family member. Whether it be physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, or via neglect, we all know that abuse can have a major impact on a person's quality of life and their relationships.

This thread was inspired by the 'act like a goddess get treated like one' thread. It is empowering to read stories from women who were raised as princesses and how such treatment impacted them positively in the dating world/when choosing a mate, etc. I thought it would also be empowering to hear from those women who were not treated that way in childhood, realized the negative impact it was having on them, and managed to turn it all around.

At one point did you realize the negative impact(s) former abuse was having on you and your relationships with men?

What did you do to improve your self esteem and establish a higher sense of self worth?

What are some things you do or don't do now as a result (for example, things you now see as dispectful that you don't allow in your life)?

I'd love to hear from those who wouldn't mind sharing how they turned things around for themselves, and are now reaping the benefits of happier, healthier relationships in their lives.

 

[meesch]

I wouldn't say I was physically, or even verbally abused. But, I was raised by a single mother, and eventually I came to understand that a lot of her views and perspectives on men and relationships had been incorporated into her parenting style and unwittingly passed on to me.

Once I was old enough to examine these things critically, I have realized several negative behaviors that I unknowingly had been ingrained with:

For a long time when I was coming of age I struggled with the idea of needing to be "strong" all the time, and how any vulnerability was a terrible weakness. I hated always feeling like I could never crumble when times got hard, and how much work and how heavy it felt to me to constantly NEED to be strong. It's okay to be a strong person - but I hated how I felt like I could never NOT be strong. Even when I didn't want to be, I had to be all the time. And unfortunately, that is something that is just a part of my personality now, because I am very thick skinned, I am very harsh, I am brash and straightforward and brutally direct. However, I eventually grew to make the CHOICE that I didn't view sadness or vulnerabilities as weak in a negative connotation. I decided to reject the idea that I can never be vulnerable. So now I don't have that same emotional spin cycle, and I am better at expressing my sensitivities. It's maybe not as good as women who never had this issue but for me it's WAY better.

As a related issue, since being vulnerable to another person is an integral part of being in a relationship, I was much more naturally comfortable being single. Because not having to be vulnerable to a boyfriend meant I could be confident all the time, which for me often translates into arrogance and cockiness. I always felt like if I had a boyfriend, I would have to give up that confidence in order to be vulnerable - you can't have the huge cocky attitude that works when you're single when you're in a relationship. Obviously, that is maladaptive thinking, but I couldn't figure out how to integrate the two, particularly since I hadn't been in that kind of relationship yet - partly because feeling this way made me avoid relationships where I might have to integrate them.

Probably the biggest issue was that I was pretty much taught to make negative associations to romantic relationships. I was not raised to view relationships as something good and natural and necessary. They were always associated kinda with being dirty in some way. I don't mean in the "sex is shameful" sort of way. But more in a furtive, secretive kind of way. I did not have any positive guidelines for romantic relationships, nor any positive images to model from, and basically I was not taught or encouraged to have relationships with men. They were always disapproved of, usually without knowing anything about the guy or the relationship. My mom has hardly ever made positive comments about any guy I might be dating. Only criticisms and complaints and baseless warnings - which she can easily say she views as being helpful, but are really just negative for no reason. She always assumes the worst and every comment is based around the idea that a man is just going to use or mistreat you. She still does that now - sometimes when I go to spend the weekend at my bfs house, she'll still "remind" me to watch my wallet... as if my bf would even WANT to steal my measly few pennies not even to speak of the fact that he's the one paying for everything when I'm with him.

Basically, my mom is a hater when it comes to relationships. There is no bright eyed optimism or encouragement. Even with my oldest sister who has been with her boyfriend for a long time now she STILL talks about dude like the relationship is new and not stable. She seems to assume that I will be a single mother, like she hasn't even considered the possibility that I am actually waiting for marriage until I have a child. I once said something to her about how I wouldn't need family baby sitting for me, because that's what I would have a husband for. And she snapped about how that [expletive] probably ain't gonna do sh*t.... talking about a marriage that hasn't happened yet, to a man that doesn't exist yet I forget what I did or what happened that caused her to make this comment (bc it was completely out of nowhere and relevant to nothing) but she said to me: "is that what you do when you're at your boyfriend's house? You ain't never gonna get married like that" and I had to bite my tongue before I spit back at her YOU WOULD KNOW.

Eventually I had to just realize that what she was saying to me in regards to relationships just doesn't help me. And I can't listen to it. I had to make a decision to reject her opinions about relationships, and watch my own thoughts when they seemed to be taking on her perspectives. All I can do is try to recognize these behaviors as harmful. And I am trying really hard to unlearn the negative traits, but it's hard when you either a.) aren't aware you're doing it and/or b.) just do it reflexively before you can stop yourself.

 

[Skyfall]

When I was 19 I realized how the relationship or lack thereof with my father affected my relationships with men, in therapy. I would always go after men that had no interest in me whatsoever, that was taking a huge toll on my self-esteem.

Since then I have monitored this behavior and have put an end to it, took two years though to be rid of it, however now I have another issue, my aloofness, not sure if that's a full blown problem yet.

I'm still working on my self-esteem, but one thing that has helped greatly was forming healthy male relationships, like that of my uncle or mom's friend and going on dates, even with guys that were not my type or those I would never be in a relationship with. I needed to see and feel a man admire me and be genuinely interested in me, to feel that I was worthy of healthy male attention. I'm still dating now, not too eager to be in a relationship just yet though.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

I'm slowly realizing that my issues with trust and feeling less than stems from my step father telling me I'm not ish. I also was abused on every facet so my past relationships were never quality. I have only had one guy who really liked me I say love me and didn't pressure me into anything. I wish I could get an opportunity to have another chance at a guy like him.

My self esteem has its days where it's low because things aren't going great. But then there are many times when it's awesome.I am very guarded with everyone. I know my past is my past and I'm working on trying to not allow it to be my down fall. I don't want to be like my mother who married a kang bc she didn't want to be alone and raise me as a single parent. I know my mother self worth was and still is low. She would always say just take whatever comes your way and there was always a small voice that didn't believe that. It has taken time and I'm still growing. Thank you Op for this thread. I hope people will be ok posting as I always draw strength from such.


At one point did you realize the negative impact(s) former abuse was having on you and your relationships with men? I knew my past had really affected me when I was 22 with no friends no man and wanted to die daily.I didn't want to get up I hated myself. Sucide is often extreme hatered for self like someone who wants to kill you instead of it being on others you put that energy on yourself. I was devoid of any emotion. I didn't feel anything. All the years of being told you will have to buy friend,no body cares that you are even alive, your ugly, your fat, your nothing made me feel as though I was the world's joke.

What did you do to improve your self esteem and establish a higher sense of self worth?
I in recent years have started looking at things in a more objective view point. At times I allow things from the past to beat me but I look at them and see what can I learn,what can I do to grow. I also make sure to stay as healthy as possible.

I also in the past did counseling. For me it didn't really work as I'm sort of a nerd, and I always researched things so all the info dr told me wasn't new.However one dr made me feel like a champ by saying with all the hell you have gone through how in the hell are you not on drugs, a drunkard and at that time a student with a 4.0 gpa. Dang that just hit me a bit.


What are some things you do or don't do now as a result (for example, things you now see as dispectful that you don't allow in your life)? I don't allow negative people to stay in my area ie those who are closed minded. I workout and I get my rest. I research and understand who I am and what I am. I also am allowing myself to forgive myself and that allows me to forgive others.

 

[Charlotte]

Danibeeja -

Could you speak more of your therapy sessions? Im asking because im currently thinking of contacting a professional regarding moving on from past hurts and not bring those negative thoughts into new relationships.

Was it more of just talking or was it filled with exercises and self-analysis?

 

[Skyfall]

Danibeeja -

Could you speak more of your therapy sessions? Im asking because im currently thinking of contacting a professional regarding moving on from past hurts and not bring those negative thoughts into new relationships.

Was it more of just talking or was it filled with exercises and self-analysis?

It was more talking, a cognitive based therapy, if you want exercises then you should probably seek a cognitive-behavioral therapist. It worked for me because I'm already introspective, so it helped to bounce ideas off of someone.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

...................................

 

[loolalooh]

Please don't quote ...

At one point did you realize the negative impact(s) former abuse was having on you and your relationships with men?

I wasn't abused by the usual definition of the word, but the way I was raised had an emotional impact on me, which I didn't understand until I came across the book "The Drama of The Gifted Child: The Search for True Self". After skimming the book, I realized that my willingness to stay in unhealthy relationships was based on my childhood desire to please my father with achievements. His acknowledgment of me depended on what I did ... not who I was. If I did exceptionally well in something, he would say "well done" . All other times, I felt invisible.

In that, I lost myself, my identity. I came to depend on the approval of my father to recognize his love ... and later than transferred to relationships. When I got older, men detected that about me, latched onto it, and took advantage of it.


What did you do to improve your self esteem and establish a higher sense of self worth?

I'm still working on it, but realization was the first and most important step. Therapy forced me to face myself and the reality that I needed to build an identity independent of approval from others. Also, building an actual relationship with my father has helped some. He now says "I love you" more than I ever heard as a child.


What are some things you do or don't do now as a result (for example, things you now see as dispectful that you don't allow in your life)?

I run when I see red flags in a potential partner. If I don't run, I'll get sucked into the role of "seeking approval" fairly quickly. When I notice that I'm with a guy who only responds when I do things for him ... or who wants a specific kind of girl that is not me ... I leave. In the past, I would stay and attempt to mold myself into that girl.

 

[sweetvi]

loolalooh



You just described me your the Thursday! Except it was my mother and we were taught not to question adults and whatever she says goes whether I agreed or not. So of course that transferred into my relationships and they took advantage of that!

 

[sweetvi]

Typo: stupid spellcheck lol. I meant you described me to the T

 

[Shinka]

loolalooh I read Drama of a Gifted Child last week- my new therapist suggested it. Really eye opening for me. My next purchase will be Trauma and Recovery.

I may come back to answer OP's questions. Just all seems too heavy right now to post.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[SummerSolstice]

Please don't quote

At one point did you realize the negative impact(s) former abuse was having on you and your relationships with men?
I am assuming you meant at WHAT point... I noticed when I was with my last boyfriend that I have a hard time with being alone. He always wanted to be alone, and then he described me as needy.
With my current boyfriend if I don't want to be by myself we discuss it and rationalize my feelings, and then we talk about how to cope with it at that moment. The key is to be with someone who is understanding and willing to help you grow without ridiculing you.

What did you do to improve your self esteem and establish a higher sense of self worth?
Before I got with my current boyfriend I literally told God that I wasn't going to try anymore. I think my job has improved my self esteem, and also my blogging helps as well. Losing weight is the biggest one for me so far i think.

What are some things you do or don't do now as a result (for example, things you now see as disrespectful that you don't allow in your life)?
If I don't like the way my boyfriend is acting, I tell him and then we talk about it. He has really been helpful with this, but I make sure I speak up at all times.

I just wanted to add that I don't really have all the answers yet. I still have bad dreams, I still sense evil in the middle of the night. I just know after being treated SO BAD... I deserve better. And I deserve to have someone who will love me despite my issues. If a man doesn't understand you and your experiences, they need to keep it moving.

 

[manter26]

My dad was abusive to all of us. He stopped hitting my mom when we were in grade school and stopped hitting us...probably in HS. I'm sure he would still hit my brother if he had the chance. My father is just not a nice person at all. I still wouldn't say I like him. He can be nice sometimes but overall he's an as*hole.

In general, I would absolutely never be with someone like him. I just don't get why my mom chose him. She says he wasn't like that before they married and now she says he was only like that because he drank too much. I used to WISH they got a divorce. He has a serious illness though so that was never on the table...and there are 4 of us kids. My mom has some color issues from being very light skinned in JA, sometimes I think she only married him because he's dark but that's another issue...


At one point did you realize the negative impact(s) former abuse was having on you and your relationships with men?

I always thought I want the opposite of my dad. I would never want anything like my parents had. Beyond that I didn't think it impacted me. One summer during college, my bf (ex now of course) moved to RI/Boston area. I flew up to visit him. It was cheaper to fly into Boston then drive to Providence so we did that. We got into an argument about something so stupid... I wanted to edge up his beard and he disagreed.

We started arguing I totally lost it, started crying. My arse ran out of that house and I was ready to walk or take a cab back to Logan airport all the way from Rhode Island. He came and got me and we went back inside so I wouldn't make a scene in front of his family. We went out on the deck and he threw a chair. That's it, I was mentally done with that relationship. That entire week I cried. I cried more than I have in my whole life. It just wouldn't stop.

My roommate called when I was out with the bf at the mall. She asked how my trip was going. I started crying again! (I'm not a crier...the Notebook- didn't shed a tear, lol) I wanted to tell her the story and not get all emotional in the mall so I said "hold on" and headed toward the mall door. Would you believe this negro grabbed my arm, tight. I've never been handled like that. I know he didn't mean anything by it really but at the moment it was like I was being pummeled. There I was hysterical, yet again. I seriously could not be around him the rest of the trip. It was 4th of July in Boston, full of drunken arseholes and I just walked away, disappeared in the crowd. I bumped into the bf at the end of the day as the crowds died down. He thought I was kidnapped or something, lol. Anyway, I'd never been happier to head back home.

That's when I realized the effect things had on me.

What did you do to improve your self esteem and establish a higher sense of self worth?

If anything it's made my sense of self worth higher. I never believed I or anyone else deserved that. I stuck up for my brother when everyone claimed he needed "punishing" even though my brother was verbally abusive towards me for much of my life.

I still have a ton of issues to work out in general. I haven't had many relationships and in general I just like to be alone.

What are some things you do or don't do now as a result (for example, things you now see as disrespectful that you don't allow in your life)?

I don't allow abuse of any kind, period. I think in some cases (one ex in particular) I pushed his buttons just to test him. He always passed with flying colors and was always a gentlemen...except for cheating and overall kangish behaviour. He just refused to argue with me. I would "#%^& #&Y$*& you think I'm a Beech, huh?" and he would respond "why are you cursing at me?" and he just never took the bait. I think I want someone like that. Speaking of which, that same ex called after he got out of jail He must have rang 10 times and left 3 or 4 VMs. I called back at 4am just for sh1ts and giggles. He said he wants to let me know how he is, I said "I don't care" and hung up. He called back and left a VM, called me a 'phlucking beech' and cursed me out in his Trini accent and everything. He's since attempted to tell me the story through fb and I said I don't care in a much nicer way.

 

[lesedi]

Basically it all came down to one thing. I had no business being in a relationship with a man until I had completed therapy. Every single relationship I had was toxic up until I sought help. Well, every relationship is bound to be toxic when you believe that you are 'less-than' and that's why he did this to you. It's amazing how much power the 6 year old brain has. It can govern your whole life if you let it.