changing my dating/relationship pattern

[Glamorous_chic]

well, after reflecting on this past weekend's fallout (i wrote a thread about it) and reading some of the threads on here, i think i'm gonna read wmlb and the rules, and give it a try. i realize that i'm too nice, too available, and can get attached easily to someone i really really like. for those i don't like or have no connection with, i really could care less. i have a naturally caring nature, but i realize that when it comes to men, they will take advantage or think they just run all over you. i used to be against "game" playing. i used to would answer phone calls, return text msgs and phone calls, and didn't realize that sometimes i was the one "chasing" after a while. i'd initiate phone calls and try to set up dates (mainly out of boredom, which is why i really have to keep myself occupied ).

well, not anymore. when i look at my friends who seem to have endless s/o, boyfriends, dates, or even men who want to marry them, i see that they are naturally following "the rules". i love my friends dearly, but the way they treat some of these, men, i don't know why they stick around. yet they do, and they want them even more. they never answer their phone, always have plans (so get in where you fit in lolol) and when the guy finally is able to get in touch with them, they don't act overly eager to speak to them. i obviouslly need to change my approach, b/c being nice and sweet is obviouslly not the way to go. i've never been one to date "thugs" or the bad boy, but i seem to always end up with jerks and dead end relationship with emotionally unavailable men. after writing this long post, i'm realizing that this was more of a vent thread. lolol but what happend to you ladies to make you realize that you had to change up your dating/relationship habits?

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Thanks for starting this thread. Looking forward to responses. I just started a new relationship and he's moving full speed ahead but like you I don't want to fall into the pattern of being needy for his attention when yes it is the beginning and that's usually how it is in the beginning but it can change. I've also gotten the advice from other females to basically 'play the game' to keep your man on his 'act right', I don't like to play games but realistically speaking in the name of love and in dating, it's necessary sometimes.

 

[Ericka]

well, after reflecting on this past weekend's fallout (i wrote a thread about it) and reading some of the threads on here, i think i'm gonna read wmlb and the rules, and give it a try. i realize that i'm too nice, too available, and can get attached easily to someone i really really like. for those i don't like or have no connection with, i really could care less. i have a naturally caring nature, but i realize that when it comes to men, they will take advantage or think they just run all over you. i used to be against "game" playing. i used to would answer phone calls, return text msgs and phone calls, and didn't realize that sometimes i was the one "chasing" after a while. i'd initiate phone calls and try to set up dates (mainly out of boredom, which is why i really have to keep myself occupied ).

well, not anymore. when i look at my friends who seem to have endless s/o, boyfriends, dates, or even men who want to marry them, i see that they are naturally following "the rules". i love my friends dearly, but the way they treat some of these, men, i don't know why they stick around. yet they do, and they want them even more. they never answer their phone, always have plans (so get in where you fit in lolol) and when the guy finally is able to get in touch with them, they don't act overly eager to speak to them. i obviouslly need to change my approach, b/c being nice and sweet is obviouslly not the way to go. i've never been one to date "thugs" or the bad boy, but i seem to always end up with jerks and dead end relationship with emotionally unavailable men. after writing this long post, i'm realizing that this was more of a vent thread. lolol but what happend to you ladies to make you realize that you had to change up your dating/relationship habits?

You and I are just alike with the relationship aspect. I always answer my phone and would do anything for the guy that I am dating. But not too long ago the guy I was dating told me about another woman he was seeing while dating me. Now during my relationship with him (1yr & half), we only had one argument which really didn't get that intense IMO. But during the conversation of him telling me about the other woman, he brought up the fact that we really didn't argue. I believed he argued with her quite a bit and that must have brought them closer together. Needless to say I lost him and now he's with her. It hurts me much, but I know I have to get over it.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

Ericka- wow, sorry to hear that. it's definently his loss.

sometimes i wonder why men would choose to deal with situations that they know are not beneficial to them. or even why they choose to deal with women who they know don't have their best interest at heart. i've learned sooo much just observing my male friends. 1 is recently in a relationship and the other isn't. and i've learned sooo much just by observing.

 

[Bunny77]

I think this is a good idea Glamorous chic!

Seriously though, don't look at it as "games." It's not. A man who wants you should pursue you. That's how it typically works, and most of the married women I know never had to plan one date (in the beginning), make one phone call, etc. Their future hubbies did the work, as they should have.

With me, I will answer the phone IF I happen to be around and not busy, but if I'm busy and don't have time to talk, I won't answer. I'll call the dude back when I'm free (as long as he leaves a voice mail). I don't feel I have to ignore his phone calls, but at the same time, I'm not going to drop everything to answer the phone when he calls... AND I will make sure he makes the vast majority of the calls!

 

[Bunny77]

Ericka- wow, sorry to hear that. it's definently his loss.

sometimes i wonder why men would choose to deal with situations that they know are not beneficial to them. or even why they choose to deal with women who they know don't have their best interest at heart. i've learned sooo much just observing my male friends. 1 is recently in a relationship and the other isn't. and i've learned sooo much just by observing.

Captain Save-a-Hoe syndrome

The end.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

SvelteVelvet - i read your thread, and the guy who i wrote the other thread about was exactly like that. which is why when this past weekend happened, i was completely crushed. we seemed to be on the same path, have similar interest, and i enjoyed his company.but,i wish you the best.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

SvelteVelvet - i read your thread, and the guy who i wrote the other thread about was exactly like that. which is why when this past weekend happened, i was completely crushed. we seemed to be on the same path, have similar interest, and i enjoyed his company.but,i wish you the best.

Wow - See I'm gonna have to put a pump on the breaks, and quickly like starting today. I don't think I'm going to call or answer his call if he calls me today. I need to 'regroup' and really think about everything that has transpired in the last few days.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

Captain Save-a-Hoe syndrome

The end.

well, i guess i already knew the answer to that. lolol. but exactly. i was talking to guy i used to date, and he was complaining about his ex, and how he used to always give her money, take her shopping, paid her bills, plus she didn't work, all the while she went out and partied all night, and cheated on him, and in the end, she is the one who left him. yet, he was crushed over that situation. i briefly dated him, but i knew that he had the "Captain Save-a-Hoe syndrome". the friends who i spoke about in my original post, do all of the above, and these men still are chasing after them. these are women who habitiually cheat on them, are always in the club, want them to pay their bills, and these men happily oblige. yet, they meet someone who is faithful, doesn't ask for any money, can pay their own bills, and comes home at a decent hour, and they act a fool and dog her out. i'm b/c i know there is no use in trying to make sense of a man's behavior. dang, this post ended up waaay too long. lolol

 

[phynestone]

well, after reflecting on this past weekend's fallout (i wrote a thread about it) and reading some of the threads on here, i think i'm gonna read wmlb and the rules, and give it a try. i realize that i'm too nice, too available, and can get attached easily to someone i really really like. for those i don't like or have no connection with, i really could care less. i have a naturally caring nature, but i realize that when it comes to men, they will take advantage or think they just run all over you. i used to be against "game" playing. i used to would answer phone calls, return text msgs and phone calls, and didn't realize that sometimes i was the one "chasing" after a while. i'd initiate phone calls and try to set up dates (mainly out of boredom, which is why i really have to keep myself occupied ).

well, not anymore. when i look at my friends who seem to have endless s/o, boyfriends, dates, or even men who want to marry them, i see that they are naturally following "the rules". i love my friends dearly, but the way they treat some of these, men, i don't know why they stick around. yet they do, and they want them even more. they never answer their phone, always have plans (so get in where you fit in lolol) and when the guy finally is able to get in touch with them, they don't act overly eager to speak to them. i obviouslly need to change my approach, b/c being nice and sweet is obviouslly not the way to go. i've never been one to date "thugs" or the bad boy, but i seem to always end up with jerks and dead end relationship with emotionally unavailable men. after writing this long post, i'm realizing that this was more of a vent thread. lolol but what happend to you ladies to make you realize that you had to change up your dating/relationship habits?

We have the same relationship pattern and I am SO GLAD that you're trying to change it! Perhaps this could be your relationship goal for 2009...to do something unfamiliar and different, but it will totally worth it.

I have both books and they have been so helpful. Stick to your guns and standards that you have for yourself and never let anyone talk you out of them.

 

[Mai Tai]

I think this is a good idea Glamorous chic!

Seriously though, don't look at it as "games." It's not. A man who wants you should pursue you. That's how it typically works, and most of the married women I know never had to plan one date (in the beginning), make one phone call, etc. Their future hubbies did the work, as they should have.

With me, I will answer the phone IF I happen to be around and not busy, but if I'm busy and don't have time to talk, I won't answer. I'll call the dude back when I'm free (as long as he leaves a voice mail). I don't feel I have to ignore his phone calls, but at the same time, I'm not going to drop everything to answer the phone when he calls... AND I will make sure he makes the vast majority of the calls!

ITA It's not playing games, it's having game...nuff said.

 

[Syrah]

Yea, I gotta co-sign with the other ladies in that I think it's a great idea. I also had to do a re-assessment when comparing my mating and dating patterns to that of my friends. The ones who treated themselves how they wanted to be treated and made themselves available, when THEY wanted to, as opposed to always being available, were the ones who met, dated and married good men.

It doesn't mean you have to follow the rules to a "t" or adhere to all of them, especially if they don't agree with your lifestyle - but don't be afraid to set boundaries. A man who's actually worth a damn will like the boundaries you set, as opposed to feel threatened by them.

And have fun! Dating doesn't have to be a chore!!

 

[Glamorous_chic]

thanks ladies for the words of encouragement, this will definitely be my relationship goal of 2009: setting boundaries and stop "going with the flow".

 

[Ericka]

thanks ladies for the words of encouragement, this will definitely be my relationship goal of 2009: setting boundaries and stop "going with the flow".

Totally agree, you and me both.

 

[LadyCee]

I think this is a good idea Glamorous chic!

Seriously though, don't look at it as "games." It's not. A man who wants you should pursue you. That's how it typically works, and most of the married women I know never had to plan one date (in the beginning), make one phone call, etc. Their future hubbies did the work, as they should have.

With me, I will answer the phone IF I happen to be around and not busy, but if I'm busy and don't have time to talk, I won't answer. I'll call the dude back when I'm free (as long as he leaves a voice mail). I don't feel I have to ignore his phone calls, but at the same time, I'm not going to drop everything to answer the phone when he calls... AND I will make sure he makes the vast majority of the calls!

so if he doesnt leave a voicemail u wouldnt call back? why exactly? i find myself doing the opposite. i tend to attract dudes i dont like and da ones I do seem to have more game than me. i cant keep up with the game/rules. grr..

 

[Ericka]

so if he doesnt leave a voicemail u wouldnt call back? why exactly? i find myself doing the opposite. i tend to attract dudes i dont like and da ones I do seem to have more game than me. i cant keep up with the game/rules. grr..

You couldn't of said it any better. I seem to attract the same type of guys also. Only very few guys that I meet are attractive.