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Can retirement ruin your marriage?
Ladies take note: Another reason not to marry someone with a huge age difference. He has $30,000 in savings, and he’s 56. I’m 43 and had worked out a financial plan based on both of us working until our full retirement ages. Now, I’m stuck trying to pay off a mortgage and make necessary home improvements on one income.
by Michelle Singletary May 7 at 7:01 AM Email the author
Maybe your dream of retirement is to settle in a little beach town in paradise. Is that your spouse’s dream, too?
I’m looking forward to retiring with my husband.
And we have a plan. We when retire, we’ll devote even more of our time to financial literacy projects. We both love helping people manage their money, and we already team teach. We volunteer at local prisons conducting money management classes for inmates, especially those who are about to be released. At our church, we are instructors for a 12-week money-management class for married couples.
Still, right now, most of our time is spent apart. So I wonder what will it be like when it’s just us 24/7?
“While you may view retirement as a long-anticipated emancipation from the work world, it is also a period of considerable change and adjustment,” writes Dave Hughes, founder of the Retire Fabulously website. “If you are married, some of the most profound changes will take place within the context of your relationship with your spouse. For some couples, the fact that they have been drifting apart for years could be masked or ignored because most of their time and attention is devoted to their careers or raising a family. For these couples, suddenly spending more time together may present a reality they aren’t prepared for.”
A retirement study by Fidelity Investments found that 1 in 3 couples aren’t on the same page when asked to describe their expected lifestyle in retirement.
Hughes offers suggestions to help couples navigate life in retirement. His first tip: Share your visions of retirement. “Perhaps you are anticipating years of travel and adventure while your spouse is envisioning staying home and relaxing, gardening or playing golf. You should talk about issues such as how much time you will spend visiting your children and grandchildren and whether you want to explore new interests or volunteer.”
One of the major issues that can cause friction in a marriage arises when one spouse wants to retire and the other doesn’t.
Maybe you should consider whether retiring together makes sense.
“Retirement is a complex and expensive phase of life,” certified financial planner Mark P. Cussen wrote for Investopedia.com. “When couples stagger their retirement dates, they can reap both financial and emotional rewards that will make this vital transition easier.”
A reader wrote to me once that she felt she was being held hostage by her husband’s decision to retire.
“My husband is facing a medical issue that will probably mean the loss of his current job,” the woman wrote. “He just told me that he’s planning to retire after his surgery. He has $30,000 in savings, and he’s 56. I’m 43 and had worked out a financial plan based on both of us working until our full retirement ages. Now, I’m stuck trying to pay off a mortgage and make necessary home improvements on one income. Our budget works out on one income as long as we don’t have to fix the roof. Rent would cost more than our mortgage. This is an awfully long time for me to be footing all the bills. I’m already working a side job.”
Here’s how I responded to this woman’s dilemma: Your partner’s plan for retirement should agree with yours
“As difficult as it may be to stumble into misaligned retirements, it’s even harder to have retirement shoved down your throat,” Margery D. Rosen wrote for AARP’s magazine. “Even when they manage to synchronize their departures from work, men as well as women report a mix of sadness and apprehension as the actual exit date approaches.”
If you don’t want retirement to ruin your marriage, talk things out.
“Communicating effectively is probably the single most important factor that predicts successful relationships,” Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer write in their book, “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together.”
Taylor and Mintzer’s book was a Color of Money Book Club pick. Here’s my review:
This book covers the important conversations couples need to have before and after they retire. For example, what if your spouse wants to buy a second home and move to Florida but you don’t want to spend the money and you hate the idea of living in a hot-weather area? What if you had planned on a leisurely retirement with a lot of travel but your spouse wants to start a business or second career?
“Approaching the second half of life is an opportunity to reassess outdated rules, let go of what no longer works and open up to new possibilities,” the authors write. “It takes courage, commitment and compromise. Couples do best when they think ahead, communicate and plan together. Remember, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, relationships are always a work in progress.”
If you don’t work things out, you risk a divorce, which can derail the best-laid retirement plans.
Read more: A ‘gray divorce’ can devastate your retirement plans. Here’s how.
With so many people living 20 or 30 years in retirement, there’s a lot that can go wrong in a marriage if you aren’t in sync.
Ladies take note: Another reason not to marry someone with a huge age difference. He has $30,000 in savings, and he’s 56. I’m 43 and had worked out a financial plan based on both of us working until our full retirement ages. Now, I’m stuck trying to pay off a mortgage and make necessary home improvements on one income.
by Michelle Singletary May 7 at 7:01 AM Email the author
Maybe your dream of retirement is to settle in a little beach town in paradise. Is that your spouse’s dream, too?
I’m looking forward to retiring with my husband.
And we have a plan. We when retire, we’ll devote even more of our time to financial literacy projects. We both love helping people manage their money, and we already team teach. We volunteer at local prisons conducting money management classes for inmates, especially those who are about to be released. At our church, we are instructors for a 12-week money-management class for married couples.
Still, right now, most of our time is spent apart. So I wonder what will it be like when it’s just us 24/7?
“While you may view retirement as a long-anticipated emancipation from the work world, it is also a period of considerable change and adjustment,” writes Dave Hughes, founder of the Retire Fabulously website. “If you are married, some of the most profound changes will take place within the context of your relationship with your spouse. For some couples, the fact that they have been drifting apart for years could be masked or ignored because most of their time and attention is devoted to their careers or raising a family. For these couples, suddenly spending more time together may present a reality they aren’t prepared for.”
A retirement study by Fidelity Investments found that 1 in 3 couples aren’t on the same page when asked to describe their expected lifestyle in retirement.
Hughes offers suggestions to help couples navigate life in retirement. His first tip: Share your visions of retirement. “Perhaps you are anticipating years of travel and adventure while your spouse is envisioning staying home and relaxing, gardening or playing golf. You should talk about issues such as how much time you will spend visiting your children and grandchildren and whether you want to explore new interests or volunteer.”
One of the major issues that can cause friction in a marriage arises when one spouse wants to retire and the other doesn’t.
Maybe you should consider whether retiring together makes sense.
“Retirement is a complex and expensive phase of life,” certified financial planner Mark P. Cussen wrote for Investopedia.com. “When couples stagger their retirement dates, they can reap both financial and emotional rewards that will make this vital transition easier.”
A reader wrote to me once that she felt she was being held hostage by her husband’s decision to retire.
“My husband is facing a medical issue that will probably mean the loss of his current job,” the woman wrote. “He just told me that he’s planning to retire after his surgery. He has $30,000 in savings, and he’s 56. I’m 43 and had worked out a financial plan based on both of us working until our full retirement ages. Now, I’m stuck trying to pay off a mortgage and make necessary home improvements on one income. Our budget works out on one income as long as we don’t have to fix the roof. Rent would cost more than our mortgage. This is an awfully long time for me to be footing all the bills. I’m already working a side job.”
Here’s how I responded to this woman’s dilemma: Your partner’s plan for retirement should agree with yours
“As difficult as it may be to stumble into misaligned retirements, it’s even harder to have retirement shoved down your throat,” Margery D. Rosen wrote for AARP’s magazine. “Even when they manage to synchronize their departures from work, men as well as women report a mix of sadness and apprehension as the actual exit date approaches.”
If you don’t want retirement to ruin your marriage, talk things out.
“Communicating effectively is probably the single most important factor that predicts successful relationships,” Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer write in their book, “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Creating an Amazing New Life Together.”
Taylor and Mintzer’s book was a Color of Money Book Club pick. Here’s my review:
This book covers the important conversations couples need to have before and after they retire. For example, what if your spouse wants to buy a second home and move to Florida but you don’t want to spend the money and you hate the idea of living in a hot-weather area? What if you had planned on a leisurely retirement with a lot of travel but your spouse wants to start a business or second career?
“Approaching the second half of life is an opportunity to reassess outdated rules, let go of what no longer works and open up to new possibilities,” the authors write. “It takes courage, commitment and compromise. Couples do best when they think ahead, communicate and plan together. Remember, it doesn’t matter how long you have been together, relationships are always a work in progress.”
If you don’t work things out, you risk a divorce, which can derail the best-laid retirement plans.
Read more: A ‘gray divorce’ can devastate your retirement plans. Here’s how.
With so many people living 20 or 30 years in retirement, there’s a lot that can go wrong in a marriage if you aren’t in sync.
