Breaking up is Hard to Do

[naturallgurl]

Hi fam,
I'll just get right into it. I recently broke up with my BF of 2 years and I am needing some support. It's been almost 3 weeks and I am having a wave of mixed emotions. I initiated it and it was something that HAD to be done. I know this, but why am I so sad. Sometimes I want to call him or text him anything. Other times, I hate him. I kept his rude voicemails that he left hoping that I could remind myself how much better I deserve but that works half of the time.

It wasn't a good situation and I needed to leave, but I don't understand why I am struggling with this issue. Maybe Im too forgiving. My friends aren't very dependable so any efforts to go out, fail. I have one person that tries to help me,but sometimes I feel like Im being to much of a pest. I just know that he is not going through the motions like me.

I am trying online sites, but I am a little scared. It's rough out there today! I am only 23 though and I want to take advantage of this time in my life.

Basically, I need some tips for getting over a break up. Please offer any advice that you may have.

 

[Hairsnob]

I just sent you a PM

But some tips are:

Make him wonder about you. When you call or constantly send him texts he has no time to miss you. If you don't call him he'll start thinking you moved on and with most men, that will make him wonder about you and possibly call.

It's funny that it always seemed like if I was the one that initiated the breakup that it would be easier but it really isn't. Unfortunately, it will take some time to get through it no matter what you do. It's hard if you don't have friends that are supportive.

Work on improving something with yourself to keep yourself occupied during that time instead of waiting. That way you're improving yourself while staying busy. It could be something like working out, taking a class, a new hobby, etc. Then if you run into him again or hear from him he'll notice you seem happy and that will most likely intrigue him.

Unfortunately, most of us will go through a break-up or two (or three or four) in our lives. It doesn't get any easier but you will learn something from each relationship and hopefully it will help you avoid the same things in your future relationships.
HTH

 

[MissYocairis]

I think you should take your time with the online sites. No rule says you need to start innundating yourself with random online personnas who may or may not be authentic.

As for him...I think you are wrong. He probably IS going through the motions or will be soon....I'm sure he's probably either a) in denial and waiting for you to "crawl back" or b) already realizing after 3 weeks of silence that you are serious and it's hitting him. Either way, men fall in love and feel too. He has been dumped and he is going to feel it eventually if he's not already. Men do tend to deal in different ways though. He may have tried some other chick by now but it won't be enough. It will be disappointing.

Just pray. I mean...each and every time you feel that pang in your heart or your gut, stop right where you are and pray for strength and peace and healing. Pray it's going to get better. Pray for laughter. Pray for joy. Pray for love. Pray for relief. Tell Him it hurts and you need Him. Don't wait. Do it each and everytime in your mind when you feel the pain. Over time, you are going to get stronger. And, you will get healthier. And you will get happier. And you will get more optimistic. And you will get through this.

 

[dr.j]

I agree with the ladies above.

Just want to add two books --
30 Days to Heal a Broken Heart
(strategies for the first 30 days)

It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken
(geared toward those who are on the receiving end of the break-up but acknowledges that it really doesn't matter if you were the giver or receiver, it still hurts)

I know it's hard but Stay encouraged!

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I think you feel this way because he hasn't reached out to you by phone, text or whatever. If you don't believe nothing else, be is hurting. Believe you me he is hurting and regrets how he has treated you. Men aren't emotional like we are. I think you feel this way because a lot of times when we initiate the breakup, we want to see them hurt be because they have hurt us at some point, which is why the relationship ended.

Now, I will tell you this. He will eventually reach out. May not be when you want. I don't care what we do to a man (bust his windows, key his car, burn his house down) they will ALWAYZ AT SOME POINT CALL US BACK.

And its the holidays. Wait until after the holidays and ask yourself again the same thing. You will be different about it.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...It is ok to be sad, struggle, and have mixed feelings about a breakup. To end a relationship with someone you once loved is usually a hard thing because you want to see the relationship succeed.

I think in this situation, you need to truly evaluate why you broke things off. If things were that bad, then is this someone you would want to regain contact with?

 

[ellebelle88]

Aww ,

I am going through the same thing OP. I just ended a relationship with someone who I love so much that I wanted to marry. It's hard. I cried about it for a couple of days but once after having one of those good cries, I made myself a promise that I will never cry over him again. I don't even know how to give you advice because I'm heartbroken and down and out myself but the one thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I know that there will be better days. I've been heartbroken over him before, but I got to the point where I could be happy in my own skin.

It's going to take some time to get over him, but once you do, you will feel so much better about yourself. Pray and ask God to give you the strength to get through this. And this too shall pass...

 

[ppp422]

OP, I definitely feel you and have recently gone through a break up myself. I started taking two interesting classes and I went on a vacation with my mom. Both have helped me keep it moving. Check out a community college website and look for special classes open to the anyone in the community. There are a lot of interesting things out there like photography or jewelry making. I also have gotten back to things I genuinely like to do; pursue some of your hobbies. I also think that the online dating sites can wait for a little while.

 

[naturallgurl]

I think you should take your time with the online sites. No rule says you need to start innundating yourself with random online personnas who may or may not be authentic.

As for him...I think you are wrong. He probably IS going through the motions or will be soon....I'm sure he's probably either a) in denial and waiting for you to "crawl back" or b) already realizing after 3 weeks of silence that you are serious and it's hitting him. Either way, men fall in love and feel too. He has been dumped and he is going to feel it eventually if he's not already. Men do tend to deal in different ways though. He may have tried some other chick by now but it won't be enough. It will be disappointing.

Just pray. I mean...each and every time you feel that pang in your heart or your gut, stop right where you are and pray for strength and peace and healing. Pray it's going to get better. Pray for laughter. Pray for joy. Pray for love. Pray for relief. Tell Him it hurts and you need Him. Don't wait. Do it each and everytime in your mind when you feel the pain. Over time, you are going to get stronger. And, you will get healthier. And you will get happier. And you will get more optimistic. And you will get through this.

You were right, he did call from a private number and from a pay phone. I didn't answer though because Im trying to get my emotions together. He text me a few days later, but I still didn't respond.

 

[naturallgurl]

Im doing much better now, contemplating whether or not to call him back. I've also eased up on the online thing. I realized that Im not ready.

 

[hopeful]

Don't call him back. What's the point? You are feeling better because you haven't been communicating with him---JMO. Good luck and I'm glad you're doing better.

 

[Bmack]

First, you need to go through the motions, as it is part of the healing process. However, I would try my best to allocate my mind space to more pleasurable things as much as possible. Read good books, treat yourself to mani/pedi/massages. Go out to a movie or a great restaurant alone and eat something delicious. Make a list of things you want to achieve and set a timeline to get them completed (that always does the trick).

Dont call, email, text him nothing...even if you have to turn your phone off and throw it in a draw!!!! Don't!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, reaffirm to yourself that you deserve better and that there was a reason that you had to leave his arse as he did not do XYZ, or did not appreciate you for XYZ. I know its tough honey when you are in the mist of it and you are marred with pain and confusion, but let me assure you that one-day homeslice isn’t even going to cross your mind and when you look back you are going to laugh like, “I can’t believe I was all into that busta!” Now, get moving on doing you!

Chin up diva!

 

[Bmack]

I think you should take your time with the online sites. No rule says you need to start innundating yourself with random online personnas who may or may not be authentic.

As for him...I think you are wrong. He probably IS going through the motions or will be soon....I'm sure he's probably either a) in denial and waiting for you to "crawl back" or b) already realizing after 3 weeks of silence that you are serious and it's hitting him. Either way, men fall in love and feel too. He has been dumped and he is going to feel it eventually if he's not already. Men do tend to deal in different ways though. He may have tried some other chick by now but it won't be enough. It will be disappointing.

Just pray. I mean...each and every time you feel that pang in your heart or your gut, stop right where you are and pray for strength and peace and healing. Pray it's going to get better. Pray for laughter. Pray for joy. Pray for love. Pray for relief. Tell Him it hurts and you need Him. Don't wait. Do it each and everytime in your mind when you feel the pain. Over time, you are going to get stronger. And, you will get healthier. And you will get happier. And you will get more optimistic. And you will get through this.

Yes, this is so true. We always think men are out there living it up. His arrogance will soon wear off and he will be left like erplexed um, why she aint call meerplexed Why she acting like thaterplexed Who she wit????erplexed

 

[missware2003]

I totally understand your situation. Me and my best friend since the 10th grade started dating 3 years ago.....we were "happy in love" we moved to another city and then things started to change. We seperated after 2 years but still saw each other. I later realized that I was playing myself by giving him the "friends with benefits" package. I decided that I was worth MORE THAT THAT. And gave him the option to commit or leave. He left and I was devastated............

That day was 9/22/2010, I spoke with him once (on my b-day). IT WILL BE HARD.....I WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. I sit and cry all the time about it but I have to realize that although I love him, he is not for me, if he was than I wouldn't have had a reason to want to end it.

What has helped me is drowning myself in work and grad school. Whenever I revert back to wanting to contact him (which is all the time, even after 2 months) I weight the options of being with him, accepting the pain that he caused or actually knowing my worth and waiting for something that willl blow my mind away.

I also tried to online dating, I received a lot of offers but I was not ready. I would date and want to go home only to lie in my bed. So I stopped.

Use this time to connect with yourself. Getting past this hump will only make you stronger...trust me, I know, I am going through the same thing. If he wants you, he has to work for it, allow him to come to you and only contact you. If he doesn't than the hard part to accept is "I guess he doesn't want you".

YOU WILL BE FINE.....LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC....ITS MY FAV THERAPY