BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Advise

[Shimmie]

Your post regarding marriage is something that needs to be framed and with your permission, I am going to print it out and do so. It is BEAUTIFUL

Well, we need some more answers regarding pornography and marriage from a man's perspective.

Question 1:

Why are men attracted to pornography?

Question 2:

Why do they get aroused watching two women together, which should be a turn-off -- shouldn't it? I know it's perverse, but I don't understand what's going on in their minds.

Question 3:

What should a wife do and not do -- when she dissagrees with it? There are many wives who 'suffer' with this in their marriages and are at lost on how to deal with it and to bring it to an end.

Prayer is primary. Yet with prayer comes action. Part of the action is gaining knowledge which leads to 'understanding', which in turn leads to the solutions.

HENCE, the reason seeking your male perspective and advise.

Thank you, Angel... for being our 'Big Brother'
{{{ Hugs }}} from ALL of us. God Bless You.

 

[pebbles]

Your post regarding marriage is something that needs to be framed and with your permission, I am going to print it out and do so.

We need some more answers regarding pornography and marriage from a man's perspective.

Question 1:

Why are men attracted to pornography?

Question 2:

Why do they get aroused watching two women together, which should be a turn-off -- shouldn't it? I know it's perverse, but I don't understand what's going on in their minds.

Question 3:

What should a wife do and not do -- when she dissagrees with it? There are many wives who 'suffer' with this in their marriages and are at lost on how to deal with it and to bring it to an end.

Prayer is primary. Yet with prayer comes action. Part of the action is gaining knowledge which leads to 'understanding', which in turn leads to the solutions.

HENCE, the reason seeking your male perspective and advise.

Thank you, Angel... for being our 'Big Brother'
{{{ Hugs }}} from ALL of us. God Bless You.

I'm looking forward to the answer to question #3. I know a few women who are having a hard time with this, and fussing and yelling hasn't worked.

 

[Shimmie]

I'm looking forward to the answer to question #3. I know a few women who are having a hard time with this, and fussing and yelling hasn't worked.

Nor the 'fireplace'

Hey I was at Choir rehearsal

Then I was

"Baby, I don't know who moved your tapes... What -- they're not where you left them? Gee, I'll help you look."

 

[Radianthealth]

Not to steal anybodies shine but I may ask my husband these questions...I hope it doesn't start an argumenterplexed

 

[Shimmie]

Not to steal anybodies shine but I may ask my husband these questions...I hope it doesn't start an argumenterplexed

I would love to hear your husband's answers. Please ask him and post his replies. We need to 'understand' the minds and hearts of men. It's an answer to prayer for the path to healing so many relationships...which is 'understanding' the mysteries.

Have you seen BMWSS's post on marriage? It's Beautiful!

 

[pebbles]

Nor the 'fireplace'

Hey I was at Choir rehearsal

Then I was

"Baby, I don't know who moved your tapes... What -- they're not where you left them? Gee, I'll help you look."

Ohh, sneaky!!!

 

[pebbles]

Not to steal anybodies shine but I may ask my husband these questions...I hope it doesn't start an argumenterplexed

Not at all! Please ask him! I'd love to get a few answers to this question.

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Question 1:

Why are men attracted to pornography?

Question 2:

Why do they get aroused watching two women together, which should be a turn-off -- shouldn't it? I know it's perverse, but I don't understand what's going on in their minds.

Question 3:

What should a wife do and not do -- when she dissagrees with it? There are many wives who 'suffer' with this in their marriages and are at lost on how to deal with it and to bring it to an end.

Prayer is primary. Yet with prayer comes action. Part of the action is gaining knowledge which leads to 'understanding', which in turn leads to the solutions.

HENCE, the reason seeking your male perspective and advise.

Thank you, Angel... for being our 'Big Brother'
{{{ Hugs }}} from ALL of us. God Bless You.

Answer #1
'Porn allows men to retain their view of women as objects rather than equals. It does not require him to be emotional, loving, respectful or deeply intimate.'..Porn in america

Pornography does not assit in bonding a marriage, instead it maintains a distance between a husband and his wife. Men have always had a weakness of the flesh and porn feeds into this. So many people have this idea of marriage as a mere add on ,a component, rather than accept it as a different lifestyle. Just as a dieter knows that if they are truly commited to losing weight and keeping it off, they must change the things they used to do. Men must also know that a marriage cannot thrive if he is unwilling to change his mindset and his unwelcome habits.

Many people in society are spoiled on 'having their ice cream and eating it too.' , requiring zero sacrifice. Perhaps thats when things get rough for a marriage when they realize just how much sacrifice, investment and closeness is needed. Society also places the wrong emphasis on "big and better' rather than on 'substance and style'.

Answer #2. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman . Thats why we have a complete weakness for her. The way she carries herself and moves. Watching her walk is like watching a rhythm that you just cant get out of your head. Hips sway. Her back is erect. Men are direct in what they do. There is no rhythm but women are a mystery. She is completely alluring.
With that in mind, The idea of two women together is very stimulating for a man.

See, every man sees himself as a 'king' and this sight fuels his ego. Men have incredible imaginations. The physical sight of two women together is just the front line of the battle. The REAL battle is going on in his mind. There, he is there with them both, being pleased and catered to. It's perverse to a woman because she does not see herself as a sexual object, When a woman looks at another women its no different than a man who looks at a man. Just another woman like her that has some of the same things she has. No big deal.

Unfortunately many men are guilty of inviting 'pandora boxes' in their home and the fantasy of being with two women is so great to them that he manipulates a wife's love and willingness to please, for his own sexual benefit. Many women who have participated have done this in hope that it will bring things together but 8 times of 10, it only makes things worse and highly complicated.

Which brings me to Question 3

This was the hardest because some men can be babies in their own way when they dont get what they want and this behavior can be highly disruptive in a marriage but I say this anyway. It's important for many women to pick their fights with their husbands. When every issue brought up is deemed an issue of great importance, she loses her voice because he will no longer take what she says seriously. She would be akin to the 'boy who cried wolf'. Having said that, it's important that a wife's and a husband
's love maintain a discipline for the greater good. There must be limits.

If a man cannot respect his wife and the beliefs of the word, then in my opinion he needs serious prayer. He is not walking in the path of enlightment by inviting such devilry in the home. Genuine love would not ask a woman to compromise her teachings from Christ under any circumstances and so, she must stand her ground or be in danger of being lost.. maybe forever. I'm sure no husband believes that watching some porn will not destroy things and that he means well, only seeking to spice things up and add new dimensions but we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sometimes desire and pleasure can get out of control and it becomes no longer about becoming one, but about satisfying only one's self.

 

[Radianthealth]

Question 1:

Why are men attracted to pornography?
"Most men watch porn because they like sex, they think that sex is good, and porn is stimulating, men are visual and pornography provides visual stimulation"

Question 2:

Why do they get aroused watching two women together, which should be a turn-off -- shouldn't it? I know it's perverse, but I don't understand what's going on in their minds.

"I don't get aroused watching two women together. I think most men have the fantasy of being with two women so seeing two women is good to them, I really don't understand I guess it is like having two women instead of one"

Question 3:

What should a wife do and not do -- when she dissagrees with it? There are many wives who 'suffer' with this in their marriages and are at lost on how to deal with it and to bring it to an end.

"Most guys won't be receptive and try to make things work, they will see their wifes opposition as complaining and bothering."

I added more Questions
"Do you think Porn is wrong?"

"No, as long as it doesn't come between you and your wife it should be okay, it depends on what you do with it. You shouldn't use it to cheat on your wife"

"What do you thing God thinks about porn?"
"I don't know what he thinks about it"

 

[Radianthealth]

I think my hubby has some work to do

A Little History: he got rid of the porn because I didn't like it but I think he still harbors a little resentment about it

I think he thinks that there is nothing wrong with it because he is moderate about it. Just because he isn't as bad as all the men in his family doesn't make it okayerplexed

I am running to the cabinet to get my Olive Oil Shimmie so I can pray for my Hubby

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Question 1:

Why are men attracted to pornography?
"Most men watch porn because they like sex, they think that sex is good, and porn is stimulating, men are visual and pornography provides visual stimulation"

Question 2:

Why do they get aroused watching two women together, which should be a turn-off -- shouldn't it? I know it's perverse, but I don't understand what's going on in their minds.

"I don't get aroused watching two women together. I think most men have the fantasy of being with two women so seeing two women is good to them, I really don't understand I guess it is like having two women instead of one"

Question 3:

What should a wife do and not do -- when she dissagrees with it? There are many wives who 'suffer' with this in their marriages and are at lost on how to deal with it and to bring it to an end.

"Most guys won't be receptive and try to make things work, they will see their wifes opposition as complaining and bothering."

I added more Questions
"Do you think Porn is wrong?"

"No, as long as it doesn't come between you and your wife it should be okay, it depends on what you do with it. You shouldn't use it to cheat on your wife"

"What do you thing God thinks about porn?"
"I don't know what he thinks about it"

Porn, just like anything, doesnt immediately come onboard and create damage. Instead it permeates over time and takes a hold of the one with the greatest weakness for it. It degrades things. It's greatest power is desensitivity.

I've heard the whole ' as long as it doesnt come between the wife and him its not a problem' reasoning but I disagree. A couple following in the footsteps of Christ are doing themselves a great disservice if they dont maintain a significant level of self discipline and concentration in their marriage. A virgin will always gain a greater sense of things over someone who is sexually active because it's about the quality of the intimacy. How focused can a couple be into each other if they are becoming aroused and stumulated by watching other couples fornicate? Theres a perversion in that. I'm not being judgemental. I used to do it but I also know that it never made things better. Honestly, do I need to learn 30 positions if my wife ( when I get one..LOL) loves what I do with four or five..?

 

[Radianthealth]

I agree...I hope my husband will realize this...I know he has faith, however he is very resistant to Religion and Church because of past experiences, but I think it is just an excuse...the same excuse I used to use just because I am too lazy to get up and go to Church and read my Bible and do what I know God wants me to do. I am not trying to be self righteous because I know I have a long long way to go. I need to work on all the things he needs to work on but I would rather lead by example and inspire my husband to improve his relationship with God rather than give him a guilt trip.

It is no longer acceptable to rely on shallow statements like "God knows my heart" or " I'm Spiritual not Religious" these are not excuses.

You guys have me inspired

 

[pebbles]

I think my hubby has some work to do

A Little History: he got rid of the porn because I didn't like it but I think he still harbors a little resentment about it

I think he thinks that there is nothing wrong with it because he is moderate about it. Just because he isn't as bad as all the men in his family doesn't make it okayerplexed

I am running to the cabinet to get my Olive Oil Shimmie so I can pray for my Hubby

LOL! How funny!

I was just reading both responses from BMWSS and your husband, and both answers are the same.

Oh boy, I have some serious talking to do with my girlfriends. One of them in particular is having a very hard time with this, and with all the screaming, crying and fussing, you would think her husband would let it go, but he refuses to take her seriously. Reading the last part of Blkman's response indicated that making a big deal of everything really doesn't allow anything to be 'highlighted', if you will. I have to tell her about that. She tends to make a fuss over every little thing. I've told her not to do that! The bible says in Proverbs 21:9 -"Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife." All her complaining and fussing is going to drive him away. I know she's frustrated, but she's not handling this correctly.

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

I agree...I hope my husband will realize this...I know he has faith, however he is very resistant to Religion and Church because of past experiences, but I think it is just an excuse...the same excuse I used to use just because I am too lazy to get up and go to Church and read my Bible and do what I know God wants me to do. I am not trying to be self righteous because I know I have a long long way to go. I need to work on all the things he needs to work on but I would rather lead by example and inspire my husband to improve his relationship with God rather than give him a guilt trip.

It is no longer acceptable to rely on shallow statements like "God knows my heart" or " I'm Spiritual not Religious" these are not excuses.

You guys have me inspired

Wonderfully Said! Women have always been that guiding force in a marriage. It's unfortunate, that men dont 'get it' early but it's a blessing that she compliments him in helping him 'get there'. I was a help mate to my ex wife, and I complimented her when she was uncertain of taking risks and she complimented me when I was reluctatnt to get back in the church. It's a shame that these days many see such assits as 'babying'.

 

[pebbles]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Porn, just like anything, doesnt immediately come onboard and create damage. Instead it permeates over time and takes a hold of the one with the greatest weakness for it. It degrades things. It's greatest power is desensitivity.

I've heard the whole ' as long as it doesnt come between the wife and him its not a problem' reasoning but I disagree. A couple following in the footsteps of Christ are doing themselves a great disservice if they dont maintain a significant level of self discipline and concentration in their marriage. A virgin will always gain a greater sense of things over someone who is sexually active because it's about the quality of the intimacy. How focused can a couple be into each other if they are becoming aroused and stumulated by watching other couples fornicate? Theres a perversion in that. I'm not being judgemental. I used to do it but I also know that it never made things better. Honestly, do I need to learn 30 positions if my wife ( when I get one..LOL) loves what I do with four or five..?

Great points all around. Really, I'm impressed!

 

[Shimmie]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Answer #1
'Porn allows men to retain their view of women as objects rather than equals. It does not require him to be emotional, loving, respectful or deeply intimate.'..Porn in america

Pornography does not assit in bonding a marriage, instead it maintains a distance between a husband and his wife. Men have always had a weakness of the flesh and porn feeds into this. So many people have this idea of marriage as a mere add on ,a component, rather than accept it as a different lifestyle. Just as a dieter knows that if they are truly commited to losing weight and keeping it off, they must change the things they used to do. Men must also know that a marriage cannot thrive if he is unwilling to change his mindset and his unwelcome habits.

Many people in society are spoiled on 'having their ice cream and eating it too.' , requiring zero sacrifice. Perhaps thats when things get rough for a marriage when they realize just how much sacrifice, investment and closeness is needed. Society also places the wrong emphasis on "big and better' rather than on 'substance and style'.

Answer #2. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman . Thats why we have a complete weakness for her. The way she carries herself and moves. Watching her walk is like watching a rhythm that you just cant get out of your head. Hips sway. Her back is erect. Men are direct in what they do. There is no rhythm but women are a mystery. She is completely alluring.
With that in mind, The idea of two women together is very stimulating for a man.

See, every man sees himself as a 'king' and this sight fuels his ego. Men have incredible imaginations. The physical sight of two women together is just the front line of the battle. The REAL battle is going on in his mind. There, he is there with them both, being pleased and catered to. It's perverse to a woman because she does not see herself as a sexual object, When a woman looks at another women its no different than a man who looks at a man. Just another woman like her that has some of the same things she has. No big deal.

Unfortunately many men are guilty of inviting 'pandora boxes' in their home and the fantasy of being with two women is so great to them that he manipulates a wife's love and willingness to please, for his own sexual benefit. Many women who have participated have done this in hope that it will bring things together but 8 times of 10, it only makes things worse and highly complicated.

Which brings me to Question 3

This was the hardest because some men can be babies in their own way when they dont get what they want and this behavior can be highly disruptive in a marriage but I say this anyway. It's important for many women to pick their fights with their husbands. When every issue brought up is deemed an issue of great importance, she loses her voice because he will no longer take what she says seriously. She would be akin to the 'boy who cried wolf'. Having said that, it's important that a wife's and a husband
's love maintain a discipline for the greater good. There must be limits.

If a man cannot respect his wife and the beliefs of the word, then in my opinion he needs serious prayer. He is not walking in the path of enlightment by inviting such devilry in the home. Genuine Love would not ask a woman to compromise her teachings in Christ under any circumstances and so, she must stand her ground or be in danger of being lost.. maybe forever. I'm sure no husband believes that watching some porn will not destroy things and that he means well , only seeking to spice things up and add new dimensions but we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sometimes desire and pleasure can get out of control and it becomes no longer about becoming one, but about satisfying only one's self.

See I KNEW you had some SOUND answers. I KNEW it!

Your answers are clean and to the point. It's so appreciated.

Question: How does a wife stand without threatening or 'nagging' her husband? Prayer ... Yes! But settling into the natural realm, how does a wife not whine, threaten or nag? What does a husband yield to when something such as porn is a no-no?

I asked permission to post this thread. I have such a 'burden' for marriages and understanding the challenges against it.

Thank you so much. Please stay tuned for I know many other wives will be joining in with other questions.

Blessings to you...

 

[Shimmie]

I think my hubby has some work to do

A Little History: he got rid of the porn because I didn't like it but I think he still harbors a little resentment about it

I think he thinks that there is nothing wrong with it because he is moderate about it. Just because he isn't as bad as all the men in his family doesn't make it okayerplexed

I am running to the cabinet to get my Olive Oil Shimmie so I can pray for my Hubby

Don't drown him...

But the annointing does work. Whatever we give to God, He will heal and renew, everytime. Every man who was 'annointed' with the horn of oil in the Bible, God had His glory with them.

As Wives and "Wives-to-be", we have to have 'knowledge' of our men and what makes them tick and with that knowledge, annoint ourselves as well with what NOT to say out of our mouths in the meantime during God's process...

Hence, Hence, Hence...this thread

 

[Southernbella.]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Oh boy, I have some serious talking to do with my girlfriends. One of them in particular is having a very hard time with this, and with all the screaming, crying and fussing, you would think her husband would let it go, but he refuses to take her seriously.

If she is begging him and he can't/won't stop, he might be an addict. If that's the case, she needs to get outside help. There should be no other reason why a man who loves and respects his wife wouldn't compromise on this issue out of respect for her and the marriage (especially if he claims to be a man of God).

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Question: How does a wife stand without threatening or 'nagging' her husband? Prayer ... Yes! But settling into the natural realm, how does a wife not whine, threaten or nag? What does a husband yield to when something such as porn is a no-no?

Being accused of 'harassing' is a no win situation. If you say nothing, they continue doing what they want. If you push the issue then you're 'nagging'. I recommend worrying about the defensive name calling later and address the issue at hand. Thats where 'picking your fights' comes in. Men are much more difficult to reach if she has made everything an issue of paramount importance.

Many men I know are trying to have a better walk with Christ but arent quite there. Whereas their wives seem more involved in the ministry and that mix can make for a challenging marriage. My spouse had a habit of 'nagging' and we finally sat down and addressed it. From that conversation, came up something we called 'executives'. We knew we had our moments of disagreement but we also recognized that there were unique moments when one of us needed to 'put our foot down' and be very adamant .

'Executives' were special requests that allowed us to differentiate. If someone pulled an 'executive' then it had to be adhered to without attitude or animosity. Take the porn issue for example. If she discussed with him that it really bothered her that he watches it then she could voice her opinion and let it be ( and hope over time through communication that he eventually leaves it alone) OR she could say " I'm pulling an executive on this issue" and he would have to stop. The key was to use your 'executives' wisely because you were only allowed 4 executives a year ( 1 for every 3 months.. and no you couldnt save them up if a quarter passed and was never used) Without an executive, your only recourse was to gently persuade but you knew better not to push the issue too hard because your spouse could pull an executive on you and ask you to drop the issue and leave it be. It wasnt a perfect system but it was a good start. We learned to gauge the importance of issues and it was the eventual goal to not need the system at all.

 

[pebbles]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

If she is begging him and he can't/won't stop, he might be an addict. If that's the case, she needs to get outside help. There should be no other reason why a man who loves and respects his wife wouldn't compromise on this issue out of respect for her and the marriage (especially if he claims to be a man of God).

Oh, he is an addict. There's no doubt about it. He's trying to hide it from her, but she always manages to find out! (Ain't that the Lord?!) He needs help, but she isn't the one that can give him that help. She's way too emotional. She cries and begs and does the whole song and dance, but because she does this for every issue they face, regardless of the severity, he doesn't take it seriously. I didn't realize it for sure until BMWSS mentioned that in his post. I know they love each other, but he doesn't get how serious an issue this is to her and to the survival of their marriage.

I forwarded the answers on this thread to her last evening, and I think she had a lightbulb moment. It's good for her to hear from another man that she doesn't know at all, that shouting and fussing through a problem isn't the solution for every single issue you face. And if you do that all the time, there's no way to tell what's really important to you, and what's less important. This is a great thread!

 

[pebbles]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Being accused of 'harassing' is a no win situation. If you say nothing, they continue doing what they want. If you push the issue then you're 'nagging'. I recommend worrying about the defensive name calling later and address the issue at hand. Thats where 'picking your fights' comes in. Men are much more difficult to reach if she has made everything an issue of paramount importance.

Many men I know are trying to have a better walk with Christ but arent quite there. Whereas their wives seem more involved in the ministry and that mix can make for a challenging marriage. My spouse had a habit of 'nagging' and we finally sat down and addressed it. From that conversation, came up something we called 'executives'. We knew we had our moments of disagreement but we also recognized that there were unique moments when one of us needed to 'put our foot down' and be very adamant .

'Executives' were special requests that allowed us to differentiate. If someone pulled an 'executive' then it had to be adhered to without attitude or animosity. Take the porn issue for example. If she discussed with him that it really bothered her that he watches it then she could voice her opinion and let it be ( and hope over time through communication that he eventually leaves it alone) OR she could say " I'm pulling an executive on this issue" and he would have to stop. The key was to use your 'executives' wisely because you were only allowed 4 executives a year ( 1 for every 3 months.. and no you couldnt save them up if a quarter passed and was never used) Without an executive, your only recourse was to gently persuade but you knew better not to push the issue too hard because your spouse could pull an executive on you and ask you to drop the issue and leave it be. It wasnt a perfect system but it was a good start. We learned to gauge the importance of issues and it was the eventual goal to not need the system at all.

You have some really thoughtful responses. I've forwarded this response to my girlfriend this morning as well. I hope she's getting this!! Thank-you! :Rose:

 

[firecracker]

Hey blkman that was a good post and answers. Now about that marriage being like a diet statement.

I would guess that is the reason some men and women relapse (cheat, maintain secret relationships w/exes) repeatedly. I don't think anyone should go into a marriage expecting to drastically change someone that doesn't want or feel the need for change. I have a married friend that feels like a prisoner and every disagreement is a pass for a wild weekend furlough.

ex: you marry an outgoing friendly person but now that your married that person isn't suppose to be outgoing and friendly How do you get mad when that was the very thing that drew you to that person.

I see this time & time again and cannot understand that rational

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Hey blkman that was a good post and answers. Now about that marriage being like a diet statement.

I would guess that is the reason some men and women relapse (cheat, maintain secret relationships w/exes) repeatedly. I don't think anyone should go into a marriage expecting to drastically change someone that doesn't want or feel the need for change. I have a married friend that feels like a prisoner and every disagreement is a pass for a wild weekend furlough.

ex: you marry an outgoing friendly person but now that your married that person isn't suppose to be outgoing and friendly How do you get mad when that was the very thing that drew you to that person.

I see this time & time again and cannot understand that rational

lmao @ wild weekend furlough. Hilarious.

Marriage today is far more complicated these days. In previous generations each partner knew what was expected of him or her roles were defined. If each partner filled those expectations, there was a reasonably good chance that the marriage would endure. Even personality styles were prescribed. Men were supposed to be strong, silent, competent, unemotional, problem-solvers, good providers, handy around the house and protectors. Women were supposed to be good cooks, competent housekeepers, seamstresses, social, religious and nurturers. Men and women cut each other a great deal of slack in other areas, so long as each played by the prescribed rules and played their socially defined roles.

With the new economy, marriage has taken on a different meaning and serve a different purpose than was traditionally the case. If we add to this pot the fact that many of us live healthier, more active lives than ever before, it becomes quickly obvious that "until death do us part" means a lot longer than at any time in history

Despite all of these changes, most people enter marriage carrying with them many of the same beliefs appropriate for the previous traditional marriage. Their consciousness has not caught up with the reality of the times. Hence, when they marry they often find that their traditional beliefs are ineffective, leaving them frustrated ,with few guidelines on how to be in a marriage and more susceptible to the lures of temptation.

 

[Shimmie]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Being accused of 'harassing' is a no win situation. If you say nothing, they continue doing what they want. If you push the issue then you're 'nagging'. I recommend worrying about the defensive name calling later and address the issue at hand. Thats where 'picking your fights' comes in. Men are much more difficult to reach if she has made everything an issue of paramount importance.

Many men I know are trying to have a better walk with Christ but arent quite there. Whereas their wives seem more involved in the ministry and that mix can make for a challenging marriage. My spouse had a habit of 'nagging' and we finally sat down and addressed it. From that conversation, came up something we called 'executives'. We knew we had our moments of disagreement but we also recognized that there were unique moments when one of us needed to 'put our foot down' and be very adamant .

'Executives' were special requests that allowed us to differentiate. If someone pulled an 'executive' then it had to be adhered to without attitude or animosity. Take the porn issue for example. If she discussed with him that it really bothered her that he watches it then she could voice her opinion and let it be ( and hope over time through communication that he eventually leaves it alone) OR she could say " I'm pulling an executive on this issue" and he would have to stop. The key was to use your 'executives' wisely because you were only allowed 4 executives a year ( 1 for every 3 months.. and no you couldnt save them up if a quarter passed and was never used) Without an executive, your only recourse was to gently persuade but you knew better not to push the issue too hard because your spouse could pull an executive on you and ask you to drop the issue and leave it be. It wasnt a perfect system but it was a good start. We learned to gauge the importance of issues and it was the eventual goal to not need the system at all.

You know, my daughter (married) uses this term all the time, 'Mommie, I pick my battles'.

She shares that she just doesn't have the time or the energy to fight about every little thing with her husband and family. It's exhausting and when you're exhausted, you become ineffective.

When I was married years ago, EVERYTHING was an Executive battle . Now that my hair has grown back, I refuse to lose it again for I am surely taking your advise into my next marriage for sure.

Hmmm, now I only get 4 executives a year...1 every 3 months... OH Lawwwrrddd! See, I'm high maintenence, I need at least 6...

Annnnyyyyhooo,

I love this thread . We finally have a 'balance' here...'unbiased'.

In personal male/female relationships we still 'hold-back' when issues like this come up in discussion only to 'avoid' controversy or being offensive.

"BMWSS", May I tell you how truly important your being here and your answers are?

My friend shared literally 'verbatim' what you have said regarding men's attraction to porn. He shared about the beauty of a woman just like you did. You both bought tears to my eyes. But you see, he 'likes' me and he says 'nice things' to me all the time.

My son and my son-in-law are careful because they 'respect' me as 'mom.' The three of them treat me like I'm a porcelain doll. They are also 'careful' because of my 'walk' in the Lord, so they each 'guard' their words. Topics like this, they are very careful with.

I needed to hear it from someone like you who doesn't know me and has no reason to 'soften' the edges. Yet, you did so in a most beautiful way. You each confirmed each other.

Thank you for being the man that you are...not only with sense, but real.
We love you, here...already

 

[Southernbella.]

Re: BlkManWithSomeSense -Help Needed: Why are Men Attracted to Porn? Please Share Adv

Oh, he is an addict. There's no doubt about it. He's trying to hide it from her, but she always manages to find out! (Ain't that the Lord?!) He needs help, but she isn't the one that can give him that help. She's way too emotional. She cries and begs and does the whole song and dance, but because she does this for every issue they face, regardless of the severity, he doesn't take it seriously. I didn't realize it for sure until BMWSS mentioned that in his post. I know they love each other, but he doesn't get how serious an issue this is to her and to the survival of their marriage.

I forwarded the answers on this thread to her last evening, and I think she had a lightbulb moment. It's good for her to hear from another man that she doesn't know at all, that shouting and fussing through a problem isn't the solution for every single issue you face. And if you do that all the time, there's no way to tell what's really important to you, and what's less important. This is a great thread!

Tell her to find a Sexual Addiction counselor in her area. She can forward him the number in an email, then leave it alone. If this is something she can't live with, IMO, she should be prepared to separate from him for a short time. If he has no incentive to change (hitting rock bottom), then he will never change on his own.

I know some people won't agree with her leaving, but he obviously doesn't respect her and doesn't think he has any reason to change. Separating may also help her get some alone time with God away from him so that she can figure out her boundaries and pray for herself and for him. Right now, she's just a codependent.