ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
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Best friend relationship
- Thread starter ZLUVSNEWZEE
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SelahOco
Well-Known Member
My brothers god mother didnt come to my wedding because they won't go into a church.
I am not a witness, but I have about 3 people close to me who are. Once I know their beliefs I respect them.
They SERIOUSLY don't go in churches or celebrate holidays and birthdays. It's as real to them as any other religious belief.
I understand how you feel, but if you want your kids to be close maybe offer to have just because play dates with them.
I really believe in respecting people's religions.
Has she remained a good friend to you?
I am not a witness, but I have about 3 people close to me who are. Once I know their beliefs I respect them.
They SERIOUSLY don't go in churches or celebrate holidays and birthdays. It's as real to them as any other religious belief.
I understand how you feel, but if you want your kids to be close maybe offer to have just because play dates with them.
I really believe in respecting people's religions.
Has she remained a good friend to you?
Blkrose
Well-Known Member
Honestly, it sounds like you're being a little selfish.
If you really love your friend and say that you are loyal to her, you will respect her beliefs and avoid putting her in uncomfortable situations. You have always known that she does not celebrate birthdays, so the fact that its bothering you now may mean that you are the one who has changed and not her. I don't really know what kind of response you're looking for since you jump from having problems with her husband, to having problems with how she feels about dressing up for her husband, to being upset with her for not going to a birthday party, to being upset with her for being to busy, to being upset with her because you always have to visit her. If you are really so unhappy with your friendship with her and you have spoken to her about it, the only advice I have is to try to make friends that share your same beliefs and values. I don't say this to offend you, but sometimes people grow up and grow apart...things change.
If you really love your friend and say that you are loyal to her, you will respect her beliefs and avoid putting her in uncomfortable situations. You have always known that she does not celebrate birthdays, so the fact that its bothering you now may mean that you are the one who has changed and not her. I don't really know what kind of response you're looking for since you jump from having problems with her husband, to having problems with how she feels about dressing up for her husband, to being upset with her for not going to a birthday party, to being upset with her for being to busy, to being upset with her because you always have to visit her. If you are really so unhappy with your friendship with her and you have spoken to her about it, the only advice I have is to try to make friends that share your same beliefs and values. I don't say this to offend you, but sometimes people grow up and grow apart...things change.
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
Awww, I know this is breaking your heart but, you got to accept the fact that you guys have grown apart. You can't go forward in life always looking back . What you're longing for no longer exist. I mean you are making all the effort in relationship. You have to leave your bff's house at a certain time??? This is not right.
You can still be there if she needs you ,she has shown by her actions she will not do the same for you and you got to accept this, especially going into a new year.
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You can still be there if she needs you ,she has shown by her actions she will not do the same for you and you got to accept this, especially going into a new year.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Well I think you want too much from her. She seems to be changing and going through some things. Give her some space. Find some new friends for yourself and be happy you have a fiance who loves you. Pray for her and let her go for now. I think she will return to you again one day, maybe not like before, but I think she'll be more like herself at some point. Focus on your own happiness. I don't make close friends easily either but you must have faith that if you let her go God will send you at least one nice friend. Also, be grateful for the good times you and your friend had.
SummerSolstice
New Member
I understand where you are coming from. We all have different stages in life. I have close friends but we are close at different times and they all are for different purposes. My heart ached for you when I read this because I have felt similar about my friends before. It is hard to find another woman that you can be yourself with and truly vibe with and be comfortable with. Losing that definitely sucks. This happened to me before and I just stopped leaning on her for certain things, and that opened the door to my new best friend who i am more compatible with. My relationship with the other friend got better as well because my expectations for her changed into what she was available to give. I hope that all makes sense.
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
No she has not remained a good friend. And I do respect her religion I just feel resentful because she doesn't follow her path so closely in other areas in her life, only when it comes to me it seems. She stopped going to church meetings a few years ago
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
When I read your response I wanted to be mad at you but I can't because you have a point. I pointed out many different things that bother me because its starting to seem that everything she does bothers me. It is hard for me to except that we've grown apart but I guess we have I just can't help resenting her for it. She always says we need to work on our relationship because its important but our relationship is very much on her highway only. She wont even come to my house, ever.
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
I have been giving her space and then she calls as if she's offended that I haven't been calling. I just got engaged so I've been honeymooning with my fiance and definitely been giving her space. I think you're right though, I need to move on but the thing that makes it hard is that she won't understand how I feel. She will hate me for it I think.
Windsy
New Member
People grow up and people grow apart...it sounds like you two have grown apart; also you have to respect her Religion.
It sounds like she's dealing with a lot and really doesn't have time to devote to a "bff". I say give her some space, respect her Religion (ie. don't invite her to things she can't go to) and allow the friendship to change.
It sounds like she's dealing with a lot and really doesn't have time to devote to a "bff". I say give her some space, respect her Religion (ie. don't invite her to things she can't go to) and allow the friendship to change.
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
It is very hard for me especially to find a friend that I feel completely myself with. Its been years and she is still the only one that I feel best hanging out with. For me, this friendship is just as important as any other relationship and she clearly doesnt feel the same. I guess its time to move on. She continually makes excuses as to why she can't make the time.
nicole625
New Member
i went through the same thing with my bff whpo i have known for 28 years. i had to accept that we grew apart and you know what? we are now speaking again after 10 years of not keeping in touch! we were so excited to re unite and we still love one another. the friendship isnt the same but we accept it for what it is. i hope you understand what im saying. im so sorry you are going through this.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
Just because you feel like you're giving her space doesn't mean that it's the space she needs. I recently ended my friendship with a "best friend" of 15 years because of something like that. I wont go all into it, but one of her reasons for being mad at me was that she was in town for 3 months and I only managed to go see her 3 times. She felt like I wasn't giving her the attention a true friend would give someone like her. 
She didn't at all take into consideration that while she was in town on the vacation tip, I was a full time student with a full time job, getting ready to take state board exams crucial to my having a job in the first place. I felt that not only was she petty, but she also should have had more faith in our relationship and should not have taken things as personally as she did; especially after all these years. I was very insulted that she had the nerve to question our friendship after all we've been through. In addition I felt like the only person who has a right to "demand" my attention has a penis between his legs, if you get my drift. Also, I was completely turned off because we are both GROWN women with independent lives and too old to be so clingy IMO.
Needless to say, I don't miss her. I only wish we could have had our last argument in person because then I would have been able to deck her straight in the eye. SO I just say all of that to say wait it out. Sometimes you really don't know what a person is going through, so try to make it less about you. If she's really your friend, she'll come around.
She didn't at all take into consideration that while she was in town on the vacation tip, I was a full time student with a full time job, getting ready to take state board exams crucial to my having a job in the first place. I felt that not only was she petty, but she also should have had more faith in our relationship and should not have taken things as personally as she did; especially after all these years. I was very insulted that she had the nerve to question our friendship after all we've been through. In addition I felt like the only person who has a right to "demand" my attention has a penis between his legs, if you get my drift. Also, I was completely turned off because we are both GROWN women with independent lives and too old to be so clingy IMO.
Needless to say, I don't miss her. I only wish we could have had our last argument in person because then I would have been able to deck her straight in the eye. SO I just say all of that to say wait it out. Sometimes you really don't know what a person is going through, so try to make it less about you. If she's really your friend, she'll come around.
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ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
Just because you feel like you're giving her space doesn't mean that it's the space she needs. I recently ended my friendship with a "best friend" of 15 years because of something like that. I wont go all into it, but one of her reasons for being mad at me was that she was in town for 3 months and I only managed to go see her 3 times. She felt like I wasn't giving her the attention a true friend would give someone like her.
She didn't at all take into consideration that while she was in town on the vacation tip, I was a full time student with a full time job, getting ready to take state board exams crucial to my having a job in the first place. I felt that not only was she petty, but she also should have had more faith in our relationship and should not have taken things as personally as she did; especially after all these years. I was very insulted that she had the nerve to question our friendship after all we've been through. In addition I felt like the only person who has a right to "demand" my attention has a penis between his legs, if you get my drift. Also, I was completely turned off because we are both GROWN women with independent lives and too old to be so clingy IMO.
Needless to say, I don't miss her. I only wish we could have had our last argument in person because then I would have been able to deck her straight in the eye. SO I just say all of that to say wait it out. Sometimes you really don't know what a person is going through, so try to make it less about you. If she's really your friend, she'll come around.
I'm sorry your ex bff upset you so badly but our situations are different. How you feel about her doesn't apply to my situation. I don't hog her time or try to, its just the eventful things that I want her to be a part of. I want our kids to grow up together and I want us to be active in each others lives. She isn't more busy than any other person with a 9 to 5 such as myself and I am willing to make the time for her. She isnt willing to make the time for me and thats hurtful whether you think its clingy or not. As I said before, our entire friendship has been on her terms and I think its time to make it about me. I don't like the way it makes me feel to call someone my best friend who acts like they can't be bothered with me unless I have some juicy info to tell.
Again sorry for your situation but your situation is not mine and our friendship is nothing like the friendship you're describing.
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
Anyone older and wiser have any advice to give? I want to know what you would do in this situation. Maybe I do need to just let go but that would be like a major break up.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
No one's saying break up with her and stop talking to her. Just fall back and chill on the friendship. The friendship should not be entirely on her terms but that is what she is used to and likes. But oh well too bad. Just expect less from her and in turn give less, call less. If she gets mad when you don't call that's her problem. She can just call you more. And if she's not willing to keep in touch herself and can't support the things you wish she could, there is nothing you can do about it--just live your life. I think you have gotten good advice so far.
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
Thanks for that! I am feeling a little defensive.
nicole625
New Member
you are feeling defensive because it is not an easy decision to make. it's almost like losing a sister. just remain confident that things will get better over time. good luck
honestly..you have every right to feel the way you do---friendships are very serious esp those that are 10+ yrs
it is obvious that she is going through a rough patch in her life--and sometimes friends grow apart..
i dont think you are being selfish--you have a right as a human to feel bothered by a friend who doesnt participate in your friendship..it seems she has checked out
and lemme tell you something..my family has devote JW's in it..they wont attend the celebration but will come a bit after once the celebrating portion has died down..because we are family and because they care...so yes while i understand and have repsected the JW religion there are ways to still show you care...despite ones religious beliefs
i think its time to move on a bit from this friendhsip...cherish what you guys had but it appears homegirl is in a life slump..bad marriage and maybe even be depressed..because the excuses she is giving for not coming to see you and etc dont seem friend like at all..
good luck and i wish you all the best
it is obvious that she is going through a rough patch in her life--and sometimes friends grow apart..
i dont think you are being selfish--you have a right as a human to feel bothered by a friend who doesnt participate in your friendship..it seems she has checked out
and lemme tell you something..my family has devote JW's in it..they wont attend the celebration but will come a bit after once the celebrating portion has died down..because we are family and because they care...so yes while i understand and have repsected the JW religion there are ways to still show you care...despite ones religious beliefs
i think its time to move on a bit from this friendhsip...cherish what you guys had but it appears homegirl is in a life slump..bad marriage and maybe even be depressed..because the excuses she is giving for not coming to see you and etc dont seem friend like at all..
good luck and i wish you all the best
ZLUVSNEWZEE
Well-Known Member
Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate your understanding, I really do. And I definitely have felt neglected by her for far too long. I wanted advice so that I was sure I wasn't being unreasonable and now that you expressed your opinion I feel much lighter. Thanks again!
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
No worries. I'm not sorry so you don't have to be either. You asked what would we do and I gave you an example what I did and why.
You're talking about all of the things YOU want, which is fine. But again you're going off of how YOU feel, and what YOU believe she's not doing for you with what you see her schedule as. The bottom line in what I said was to give it some time because she may be going through things that you don't fully know about. Especially with all the living like a single mother & religion stuff you mentioned.
Also, real friendships aren't on a weigh-in basis. So if you find yourself making a tally of all the times you've been there for her vs. her for you, then there's your wake up call. Sometimes you have to be the "strong" or available one in the relationship and other times, you're the one who does the leaning. I question the "friendship" that I feel compelled to keep tabs on. If you're realizing she hasn't been much of a friend to you at all, just fade to black for a little while.
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
OP, I'm from the Bay Area too in Oakland lol. IMO giving up on the friendship seems a bit premature but I do think you are going in different directions at least right now. The key is don't expect more than she can give. I understand being disappointed that she won't come through for you but you can't make her do what you want. It seems you want to hold onto the friendship. Put the ball in her court, give her an opportunity and see how she responds. In the meantime focus on yourself, your wedding.
Giselle685
New Member
Keep her as a friend and change her priority in your life . You will eventually find another friend that can support you the way that you hope for.