Bad habits you changed before marriage....

Kinkyhairlady

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
I'm wondering if one can change their bad habits before living with their partner? I've lived alone for over 10 yrs and I'm ashamed to admit I'm not the tidiest. I clean but not as often as I should and it's driving me nuts cause it's mainly due to no time or I'm fatigued. I rarely ever cook cause of this too. My FH is a neat freak and though he notices I'm a bit unorganized he does not know the extent cause the house is in order when he stops by. This is really concerning for me cause I have no clue how to change since I've been like this since I was a teen. My mom cleaned up after me but now that I'll be living with my husband I have no clue how I'll manage. So much clothes I don't even have enough room for them:( I know this may seem like a petty issue but it's giving me anxiety. I need to hear some encouraging stories maybe there's hope for me after all. Lol
 
So you don't like to clean /don't care about tidiness and he does? I would just assume he would do the cleaning, then, no?

Why do you want to start cleaning if you have someone to clean for you? Lol This is your out!
 
FlowerHair said:
Just hire someone to do it. Congratulations!!!
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Oh yes I called a maid but I need to tidy up before she comes. Lol

My issue is I have a lot of clutter and not enough closet space. I have an extra room and FH has seen that room kind of at it's mess and he calls it a park "means a big mess". It has bags of clothes, hair stuff, books etc. just talking about it exhaust me., I don't know where to put everything.
 
qchelle said:
So you don't like to clean /don't care about tidiness and he does? I would just assume he would do the cleaning, then, no? Why do you want to start cleaning if you have someone to clean for you? Lol This is your out!
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Oh that would not work then he'd think I'm a total slob. I would have to clean but I wonder how long that will last. He's already told me he hates messy people but says but you are ok just some things you don't do but he really has not seen the evil side. Case and point I don't make my bed most mornings he does, I rarely fold clothes going into my drawers he folds his perfectly. The list goes on. When he's over I make an effort but that's not me. I rather be in bed watching my shows. Smh
 
I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm sure he has an annoying habit as well and you still love him, right? If this is really bothering you though, I would suggest hiring a professional organizer to help with the clutter. Housekeepers tend to just clean and make things "look" clean, but professional organizers help you declutter, set up systems, etc.
 
hopeful said:
I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm sure he has an annoying habit as well and you still love him, right? If this is really bothering you though, I would suggest hiring a professional organizer to help with the clutter. Housekeepers tend to just clean and make things "look" clean, but professional organizers help you declutter, set up systems, etc.
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I'll look into that but with the expenses for the wedding not sure if I can afford that now but def will in the future. I'm going to Ikea today to get some organizer baskets hopefully that will help a little bit.
 
Yes, they can be expensive, a lot more than a housekeeper. Like I said I wouldn't worry about it, especially if you keep it somewhat contained. Nobody's perfect. We all got some things we gotta work on -- such is life. Work on it on a deeper level later when you have more time.
 
I hate housework DH thinks he's a clean freak. I just have someone come over 4 days a week. I also don't bother cleaning up before the cleaner comes, just put away intimates and valuables.
 
Maybe start making baby steps now to create new habits. I'm not the most tidiest person either but I've become a little bit tidier by focusing on improving little things one step at a time. So for example how about committing to making the bed every day for at least the next 30 days or so? Eventually you'll get used to it and it will become part of your routine and once you've got the hang of that focus on something else. I'm not saying you'll learn to become completely tidy but it might help a little.

All habits just take practice and commitment.
 
Truthfully it doesnt matter what we think...it's going to matter what he thinks. If it works out where he is the type that doesnt find it much of an issue and will housekeep for you, then good...I guess. But if he's like me, there might be a problem. I am the neat freak, dh is not. I do NOT like cleaning up after him (even though I do it from time to time to maintain cleanliness). It irks me.

Again how this fairs will have everything to do with how HE feels about it. Then what you both will do TOGETHER to make it work...or not.
 
I agree. Hire a housekeeper. If you don't wanna go that route then you should have a talk about expectations (regardless) and divy up chores so that you only do what you like to do :look:

I don't mind laundry
I hate dishes but I'll take that over cooking any day
Dusting, mirrors, vacuuming (with a small light vacuum) I'm ya girl
Cleaning bathrooms aren't really my forte but I can do the kitchen except for the oven....I kinda don't like mopping either :look:

If you're problem is organization. Make sure you have a system in place for clothes, mail, and important papers which seem to be much of the hassle.

For clothes, make sure you hang, fold, and put away all laundry once it's washed. Make separate hampers for dirty clothes (towels/washclothes, whites, colors, etc.) Put each in it's appropriate place when done wearing them. If you wear clothes more than once throughout the week maybe you can designate a drawer to clothes that have been worn once and can be worn again before putting them in the hamper. Seasonal clothes can be moved out of the closet and drawers each season and maybe put in the closet and/or drawers of an unused room. That way you can keep rotating throughout the seasons. Just make sure you go through the items every now and again to donate unused clothing.

For mail, make a commitment to at least open or trash each item. After that, you can file them in a bill folder or coupon folder/envelope (make sure to include month/year of expiration outside. If the expiration is a couple months out I wouldn't worry about making another envelope just keep it with the newer ones so that you'll keep seeing it. Important mail that needs to be responded to can be kept in the bill folder. You can designate a day each week or biweekly to respond to the items in the folder. Just mark what you did on the outside and file it away. I use a binder, just buy a 3 hole punch.

I would also employ the "If you see something that needs to be done, do it, or shut up about it" method (insert registered trademark and copyright symbol) I love it but I can shut up too so it definitely works for me :yep:
 
i clean for a purpose - "this is a mess, it needs to be cleaned" "i am frustrated, this apartment needs to be clean" and not "i just woke up so let me do some chores and ****."

but when i was living with my ex we did the cleaning together and it was fun. he would do one thing and i would do another. we would make the bed together. he would clean the kitchen and i would clean the bedroom. he was definitely tidier than i am as a general way of living but i find when you are with a tidy person you just sort of naturally match their rhythm. try to think of it that way.

and if youre a complete slob just stop being so lazy :look:
 
CaraWalker said:
i clean for a purpose - "this is a mess, it needs to be cleaned" "i am frustrated, this apartment needs to be clean" and not "i just woke up so let me do some chores and ****." but when i was living with my ex we qdid the cleaning together and it was fun. he would do one thing and i would do another. we would make the bed together. he would clean the kitchen and i would clean the bedroom. he was definitely tidier than i am as a general way of living but i find when you are with a tidy person you just sort of naturally match their rhythm. try to think of it that way. and if youre a complete slob just stop being so lazy :look:
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This post gives me hope. When he is over my house I'm very tidy but I wonder if I'll be like that when we live together. I think you might be right!
 
I didn't change till after marriage I didn't realize things were issues until I lived with someone. My bad habit was not giving dh a heads up about where I was going or what I was doing, it wasn't intentional but i didn't realize how disrespectful it is to just get up and go without letting your partner know
 
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I think a cleaner and some storage solutions would be the answer.

My bad habit is that i don't cook enough and when i do i tend to cook in large batches on weekends but DH would prefer a freshly prepared different meal every night - who has time for that when working full time? Only 3 weeks into marriage so hopefully can work this one out - would be good if he cooked.
 
In a similar situation right now. SO has always been way more into cleaning than me. So we discussed it. For allergy reasons, I cant vacuum, dust, or bathe/brush the dog. And for stubborness reasons, I will not make the bed. Its not happening. Do you have any particular aversions to certain tasks? Voice them now, before you move in and he gets in his feelings about a dish being left in the sink overnight. Start folding your clothes and watch your shows as a reward afterwards. Or fold while watching and put them away at every commercial break.
 
With cleaning, I believe in starting small.

Focus on one room or one area and complete that. If you try too much at once, it is daunting and you end up giving up due to frustration.

Get rid of old clothing or things that you aren't using as a start.
 
@Kinkyhairlady I can assure you, you will change because you want to because you love him and want to be a good partner and he will adjust his expectations as well. You were both people before you got married the only thing is you hid this so he's going to be taken by surprise. I tell you because it happened to be. Before I got married, I didn't cook, I absolutely refused to cook and rarely cleaned during the week.

I married a man I loved more than life and it came with two kids. I learned because it was what my life needed. I took steps. I told him who I really was and sometimes, when I got busy, showed him how bad it could be. It was in those bad times that he pitched in because he knew that I usually tried harder

So I say all of this to say, take your time, take small steps and let your desire to be a good partner guide you towards the right things for your marriage. What I found was that some of DH's expectations are too too much and if he wants them done well.... he has to just do them his darn self...

Today, I cook every night except for one night, I bake, and clean and he helps; we've been happily married for 10 yrs.
 
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TayMac said:
With cleaning, I believe in starting small.

Focus on one room or one area and complete that. If you try too much at once, it is daunting and you end up giving up due to frustration.

Get rid of old clothing or things that you aren't using as a start.
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He organized my whole closet :)
Since, I can clearly see things that I don't need.
You are absolutely right.
My biggest problem is when I come home from work, I strip my clothes off and practically veg out until I fall asleep. Most people apparently cook and clean. WTH?!
 
I think being in a new environment and and sharing an entire place will help. I was in a similar situation, I'm a lot more carefree with my stuff (DH would say careless, lol) than him, and I realized that living with him has naturally made me a lot more organized.

I was back home in the states in June in my old room and with my parents, and I was back to being disorganized without one care in the world :lol: Clearly I haven't changed much but I seem to naturally be aware of myself with DH and our shared spaces. I've always been aware of myself while sharing a space though, and I'm sure that if I had a room all to myself (an un-shared space) in our home I would be disorganized in it.

So basically, focus on how you handle your things around others. Have you ever shared a room with a non-family member? Were you messy then too? If so then at least you're aware and can work towards not being so, and if not then you probably don't have too much to stress about. It'll probably just come naturally.
 
Try the FlyLady. Her 'program' pretty much teaches what the ladies here have suggest in terms of cleaning little by little. With FlyLady it's at least 15 minutes a day or at least 15 minute blocks. We have a challenge thread here somewhere.
 
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you do need to learn some organizational skills. have a place for things, and if it doesn't have a home, toss it or give it away. create a cleaning schedule for yourself that is reasonable to your schedule. you can still hire somebody, but you still need to be consider of others, especially your husband. it can create problems down the line.
 
brittle_hair said:
I think a cleaner and some storage solutions would be the answer.

My bad habit is that i don't cook enough and when i do i tend to cook in large batches on weekends but DH would prefer a freshly prepared different meal every night - who has time for that when working full time? Only 3 weeks into marriage so hopefully can work this one out - would be good if he cooked.
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brittle_hair, Continue cooking in large batches, but instead of entire meals, just do the meat (ie, a ham and a chicken) and do sides at night. Or you could do the sides on the weekend and freeze them.

If you wanted to be extra, you could look into (pressure) canning. Buy supplies when they go on sale, batch them up, end up with shelves of canned goods (chilli, soup, meat alone, beans alone, anything you can think of, really).
 
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