At a crossroads-- stay or go?

What should I do?

  • Relax-- You seem to know what you want

    Votes: 16 16.5%

  • Stay natural-- There are other options you haven't explored

    Votes: 50 51.5%

  • Texlax-- Could it be a happy medium?

    Votes: 27 27.8%

  • Other-- state other ideas below.

    Votes: 4 4.1%
  • Total voters
    97
liberationtheory

liberationtheory

Well-Known Member
Please vote after reading my dilemma.

I’m at a crossroads about what to do with my hair—stay natural or relax it.

I’ve been natural for almost 15 years and before that, I was a 2-3 times a year relaxer kind of person. I didn’t know what to do with my hair and my mom wasn’t that attentive to it. So I went from looking like Rudy Huxtable as a child (length and thickness) to hair that was broken and ear length by the time I did the BC my freshman year in college. I also vowed I wouldn’t go back to the perm then because of horrible scab burns.

Fast forward 15 years and I have too many things going on in my life to worry about my hair. I’m a mom, a grad student, and I regularly work 55 hour days a week. My hair is bra strap length and I want to keep it long. Here are my pros and cons about natural versus relaxed.

Pro natural—
• It’s cost-effective.
• I love my hair’s texture and natural softness.
• I hated how straw-like it was when relaxed.
• I could hypothetically wash and condition often (though my hair HATES co-washing and I don’t have time for all that).
• I probably won’t self-relax and don’t want to add another expense.
• I’ve never learned to care for my hair when I was relaxed and it will be a whole new world for me.

Cons natural—
• I can’t wash and go anymore because of excessive tangles and dryness
• Tangle and Breakage-city from depending on buns and my hair being pretty fragile in it’s natural state. We know how vulnerable our hair is at each bend of the curl.
• Dry- city: I’ve tried numerous moisture regimens and my hair thrives when straightened—I think it’s because of how the moisture is better distributed.
• I hate the way protective styles look- I already look like I’m in high school and I think protective styles look juvenile on me. Plus, it’s horrendous detangling and such to take them down. Buns are eating up my hair line

I’ve started doing blow-outs and flat-ironing this summer and my hair does pretty well with that. I just hate having to depend on so much heat to straighten it out and it’s time consuming to go through all that every other week. I know that relaxing is permanent “damage” but honestly, I don’t care about that part. I’m soooo over the “good=natural and bad=relaxed” mentality of some natural people.

So what would you do????????
 
Wow, congrats on being in school and having a busy lifestyle.

I don't think one state is necessarily better than the other because there are ways to damage your hair either way. I think you need to list the PROS and CONS of relaxing to make a balanced decision.

One definite CON for relaxing I can think of (for me at least) is thinning of my hair. It sucked all the life of out of my hair and eventually my hair lost a lot of its thickness/fullness.

You mention problems with tangling and detangling while natural - can you try something like adding an SAA to your conditioner and leave-in to help with this? Can you rollerset to give you flat/straight hair but allowing room to revert if u choose to wear it curly? If you are dry, have you tried steaming to infuse more moisture? If you think your hair is dry now, with a relaxer, you might find it even drier (again that was my experience).

Just throwing out a few areas to look into before you make a drastic decision that you MAY regret. Good luck to you no matter what you choose to do.
 
Those are good points.

I'm not sure what an SAA is. Can you please explain?

I've done the steaming and rollersetting. Both are fine but roller-setting is much more time consuming than I care for. I do worry about missing my curly hair.

As far as for relaxers being drying and thinning- I find that in a straightened state, my hair is better moisturized and retains moisture longer. Perhaps this is because my hair is natural though it's straightened. As far as thinning, I have fine hair already so I always used a kiddie perm for a few minutes in the past. Not sure if that's enough to exacerbate thinning, since that was so long ago. I never had issues with thinning as much as breakage. But honestly, my hair is breaking a lot now because of the texture.

So many things to consider!!

Please keep the feedback coming. I'm truly am torn.
 
what about trying a bkt (brazilian keratin treatment)? it could help with tangles and smoothness and isn't as much of a commitment as a relaxer is.

saa = silk amino acids
 
honeybuns, I did think about bkts and honestly, i dont like the way they look and the heat with sealing it in doesn't sound like something i want to do.

i kind of am leaning towards relaxing BUT know that i don't know enough of the cons to make an informed decision.

i'm also wondering if i should just stay flat-ironed/pressed though the frequency of having to do that is turning me off.

keep the ideas coming ladies. i feel like this is the only place where i can get balanced, informed information.
 
thanks bkprincess. I stated above that is what i'm sort of doing now but am worrying about all the heat and time it takes for that, especially since it's more frequent than a potential relaxer. But at the same time, I don't know enough about the cons of relaxers to be able to compare the two.
 
believe it or not, i've never ever had a weave. something to think about but i will still be in the same boat once that's gone.
 
I see someone answered about the SAAs. I just ordered my stuff so I should be able to give a seriously informed decision soon.

I have fine hair too. BUT it was never super fine until I got caught in the weave and relaxer super circle. I personally wore a weave for nearly 8 years. The first three or four years with a relaxer/halo underneath.

Additionally, over the years I noticed that my hair (leading up to the weaves) lost volume that my original hairdresser seemed to think was due to improper relaxers and technique (long before I found LHCF). So to sum up a few cons YOU might not experience but should consider:

- Kiddie perms still have chemicals that can be abused, so the biggest thing is the skill and technique of your stylist. Do your research.

- I looked at your FOTKI and noticed that your hair was colored. Could that be part of the reason for your dryness? I have found that I needed to take EXTRA care to insure my hair didn't dry out as a natural with color. If you are like me (I got serious GREY) so color is essential, its another chemical service that can affect the dryness/moisture of your hair with a relaxer.

- Relaxers can be just as much work as being natural. There is still a need to pay attention to your protein/moisture balance.

- With the relaxer, are you turning over the entire maintenance of your hair to a stylist? or are you doing it yourself?
 
I say do what you feel. If you want to relax that is ok. The board has lot of info to look at prior to relaxing. I think as long as you have the info you can be a healthy relaxed head and always remember if you don't like it if you do relax you can always go back to being natural by transitioning or bc.
 
I understand the dilemma you are in because I was in the same situation not too long ago. I was relaxed before, didn't have any problems with my relaxed hair per sey until I started self-relaxing. I ended up cutting off all the relaxed hair to a twa and stayed natural for 2.5 years. Being natural was the most expensive decision ever because I never wore my hair in its natural state. Weaving, braiding and blow outs ruled my life. On the days I did a DN blow out, w/in 5 mins, my hair reverted back to napps - wasted my $70! My natural hair did not have any curl pattern to it so the only time I enjoyed wash and go styles was when I bkt - money again down the drain because the heat the seal in the bkt damaged my hair so badly over time. It was disheartening. My hair became weak - heat damaged and felt too soft. I hated the way my natural hair felt so it was those thoughts that caused me to relax again recently.

I love my hair relaxed because I spend less money to care for it and I no longer depend on weaves or braids. I can bun it quicker and spend less time thinking about hair. My hair is thicker now relaxed vs. when it was natural and straigthened. The only problem I had initially was finding the right relaxer that works. A regular relaxer for me is a NO NO because I hate seeing my scalp when I relax. My hair now is the healthier it has ever been - yes, with a relaxer! and my hairline is not as horrible as when I was natural. Still, the decision to relax is one that you need to thing about carefully so you have no regrets. I went back and forth for a long time before I took the plunge and relax.
 
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i haven't had hair color in about 5 years and that was definitely a main culprit of dryness. i cut all of the dye out over 06/07.

i dont think i'll do my own relaxers at first because i simply don't know enough about technique and such to do that. i'm also thinking that as much maintenance as relaxers are, it wouldnt be as frequent as pressing/flat-ironing. am i underestimating it?
 
Have you tried heat styling your hair? I would hate to see you relax and have hair problems. I wish you the best.
 
yeah DD, i am currently doing that as I explained above. it's working but i hate the time commitment and amount of heat required.
 
Truthfully, it isn't much maintenance for me at all. I only flat-iron once every 4 months. Flexi rods in big parts give me the curls I need, and if I need it straight, I use the heat rollers; works like a charm.

liberationtheory said:
i haven't had hair color in about 5 years and that was definitely a main culprit of dryness. i cut all of the dye out over 06/07.

i dont think i'll do my own relaxers at first because i simply don't know enough about technique and such to do that. i'm also thinking that as much maintenance as relaxers are, it wouldnt be as frequent as pressing/flat-ironing. am i underestimating it?
Click to expand...
 
liberationtheory said:
thanks bkprincess. I stated above that is what i'm sort of doing now but am worrying about all the heat and time it takes for that, especially since it's more frequent than a potential relaxer. But at the same time, I don't know enough about the cons of relaxers to be able to compare the two.
Click to expand...

longhairdon'tcare only straightens her hair like once a month or once every two months and she uses light heat. she got to point where she has no real curl pattern anymore but still has texture so if you are worried about getting scabs or losing some texture or thickness, maybe you should just continue. there was a thread a long time ago that had her whole regimen too. the only thing is, she kept her hair stretched in between time. she would do twists etc. and since you don't like protective styles, that might be an issue. either that or relax and you can always rock kinky or curly weaves or wigs. i personally didn't have any issues when i was relaxed but one thing that annoyed me was having to deal with NG, especially if you decide to stretch, you'll have inches of it. can't think of anything else haha sorry
 
liberationtheory said:
i haven't had hair color in about 5 years and that was definitely a main culprit of dryness. i cut all of the dye out over 06/07.

i dont think i'll do my own relaxers at first because i simply don't know enough about technique and such to do that. i'm also thinking that as much maintenance as relaxers are, it wouldnt be as frequent as pressing/flat-ironing. am i underestimating it?
Click to expand...

This is a GREAT question. I can only quote from MY experience, so I hope its helpful. But, my hair tends to straighten nicely with just a little heat so I never relaxed for that reason alone. With or without a relaxer, my hair didn't retain a style without extra work. So to keep it straight or "curled" I regularly pulled out my curling irons and refreshed the work. Since this was in between my stylist visits, you can imagine how well this helped my hair.

The point being, you know your hair best. Some of the same issues I have as a natural mimic the issues I had with a relaxer. There is a wealth of knowledge online that can help you no matter which direction you want to go.

Do you have a specific hairstyle in mind?
 
I think you will be able to make a decision if you give a little either in the time commitment area or the expense area. Either be willing to put in a little more time (and find protective styles you like, try new techniques, products, etc.) or spend a little more and pay someone to do your hair (relax it, straighten your natural hair, or style it in a protective style for you). And putting in a weave or braids or kinky twists with extensions will buy you time to make a decision and give you a break from doing your hair. Sometimes we just get tired of doing our hair.
 
I was in the same boat recently too. I had many of the same problems being natural as you did, except I wasn't making any length progress either. I also had never experienced truly caring for relaxed hair before I went natural, so it was scary for me too initially. But I felt confident with all the information available on this site. I decided to relax it almost a year ago and I haven't had any regrets, and I reached APL for the first time in my life. My hair doesn't dry out as quickly as it did when I was natural, nor do my ends turn crispy 2 weeks after a trim anymore (I have pretty much the exact same regimen-- wash & condition weekly; moisturize daily, just the ability to do different protective styles now).

The expense of going to a salon for relaxers is something you have to weigh the pros and cons of as well. I felt it was worth it because of the trade-off for time spent NOT doing two-strand twists every week. I just incorporate it into my budget now, and it's only a 3-5 times per year that I go; many people relax even less frequently.

In the end, it's up to you though. I feel you on being over the whole "natural = good, relaxer = bad" thing. In the end, it's what works for your lifestyle, your personal style, and your goals. It's up to you to decide. :yep:
 
I vote texlax, it is a happy medium, leaves curls, is easy to take care of and it isn't as hard to transition from in case you want to go natural again.
 
Hey OP. I think that you'll just be trading one set of problems for another, to be honest. I went natural to avoid the problems that come with being relaxed: Scalp burns, traction alopecia, risky and loooooooooooong salon visits, breakage/chewed up ends, avoiding water and rain like the plague, dealing with two different textures (new growth), the potential health problems concerning the chemicals, and that weird chemical smell whenever my hair was wet.

I'd rather deal with tangles, dryness, and look juvenile then to deal with those issues.

Relaxers did not serve me well, in my personal experience. I did not see any length past an unhealthy looking shoulder length. My hair was almost completely in the hands of my stylist, so that's something to think about if you're still interested in growing your hair long. Also, from my observations (i.e. months of obsessive research LOL), growing your hair long takes time and effort for most whether you're natural or relaxed.
 
Have u considered other styles such as mini twists(more mature look, and do many styles, low maintnence and can last at least 2 weeks), twist outs or braidouts(both can last at least a week and are low maintainence) or cornrows styled to your choosing(versatile, can achieve professional looks and can last at least 2 weeks)? I know your time is limited but when you have a chance you should checkout youtube. My personal faves are Mstanish1 and bronzeqt. They have a lot of nice styles for natural hair.

Based on what you shared about relaxing in your OP, I don't see how relaxing could be beneficial to you other than convenience.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
 
I think you should stay natural. None of the other choices are wrong or bad, but you say you've been natural for 15 years and before that you didn't relax much anyway... Why even bother going back?

If I had bra strap length hair and was in your position, I think I'd blow dry lightly each week and wear a long pretty pony tail/braid down my back every day. And think I was cute, too.
 
You all have been so very helpful and have given me a lot to ponder. At this point, I'm thinking that I should give blow-outs/heat training more time before I jump into a relaxer. My hair does hold heat pretty well (when I don't do it myself) and it only reverts when I wash it. Also the expense is something I can't beat. Where I live, it's less than $20 for a basic wash, rollerset, flat-iron. That's much cheaper than the expense of having to relax and maintain relaxed hair. Plus it helps me retain moisture and prevent breakage more than other natural hair styles. I have a few years under my belt to be able to say that with confidence about my hair.

If in 6 months I decide the frequency is too much, then I'll reconsider. I didn't have the many perm issues that others that have spoken of and I know that my breakage came from very basic things-- I never tied my hair up, never moisturized my hair, combed through my hair all the wrong way, and the list goes on and on. The perm was never the problem; my hair care practices were.

Thanks again ladies. I'm not sure if I'll make it the full 3 months before making a decision so please keep the advice coming. I'm sure there are others in my boat that are considering the same thing.
 
liberationtheory said:
Please vote after reading my dilemma.

I’m at a crossroads about what to do with my hair—stay natural or relax it.

I’ve been natural for almost 15 years and before that, I was a 2-3 times a year relaxer kind of person. I didn’t know what to do with my hair and my mom wasn’t that attentive to it. So I went from looking like Rudy Huxtable as a child (length and thickness) to hair that was broken and ear length by the time I did the BC my freshman year in college. I also vowed I wouldn’t go back to the perm then because of horrible scab burns.
Click to expand...

Hi Liberationtheory :wave:

I can totally relate. I have been natural about the same time (15+ years) and never got to see how my hair might flourish with proper care while relaxed. Drawing on the knowledge from all of the healthy relaxed ladies on this board, I'm certain you'll be able to reach your goals, if you chose to go that route. I think you should relax (or texlax) so let's revisit your natural pros...

Fast forward 15 years and I have too many things going on in my life to worry about my hair. I’m a mom, a grad student, and I regularly work 55 hour days a week. My hair is bra strap length and I want to keep it long. Here are my pros and cons about natural versus relaxed.

Pro natural—
• It’s cost-effective. I'm thinking if you decide to go to a salon 2 to 3 times per year to relax it shouldn't be all that expensive an adjustment. You may even decide to go with one of the dominican salons which should make it cheaper, still. I have several friends (relaxed) who have flourishing hair under the care of a waist length dominican stylist.
• I love my hair’s texture and natural softness.
• I hated how straw-like it was when relaxed. To be fair, this was under improper care. Also I think the straw like texture may have had more to do with calcium deposits left behind from the no-lye kiddie perm. Kiddie perms are regular perms, by the way, in a pretty box. I would say take a look at a lye relaxer option like mizani butter blends. You can still leave it on for just a few minutes like you did with the kiddie perm before. One of my favorite heads of hair uses mizani: BronzeG Caruso Set And you've just got to see her journey: BronzeG Journey
• I could hypothetically wash and condition often (though my hair HATES co-washing and I don’t have time for all that). So this option is out
• I probably won’t self-relax and don’t want to add another expense. at two to three times per year it's not likely to be more of an expense than what you're paying now for blow outs
• I’ve never learned to care for my hair when I was relaxed and it will be a whole new world for me. This could be one of the pros, I think. You've spent enough time with your natural hair to have mastered it. You know exactly what it likes and doesn't like. It's healthy and long. You've won! If you should decide to relax (I actually think you should texlax) then you have an opportunity to experience an entirely new healthy hair journey without breaking the bank and without spending much time.

Cons natural—
• I can’t wash and go anymore because of excessive tangles and dryness
• Tangle and Breakage-city from depending on buns and my hair being pretty fragile in it’s natural state. We know how vulnerable our hair is at each bend of the curl.
• Dry- city: I’ve tried numerous moisture regimens and my hair thrives when straightened—I think it’s because of how the moisture is better distributed.
• I hate the way protective styles look- I already look like I’m in high school and I think protective styles look juvenile on me. Plus, it’s horrendous detangling and such to take them down. Buns are eating up my hair line

I’ve started doing blow-outs and flat-ironing this summer and my hair does pretty well with that. I just hate having to depend on so much heat to straighten it out and it’s time consuming to go through all that every other week. I know that relaxing is permanent “damage” but honestly, I don’t care about that part. I’m soooo over the “good=natural and bad=relaxed” mentality of some natural people.

So what would you do????????
Click to expand...

Between braid outs, flexi sets, air drying, bunning and such, I would be willing to bet that you wouldn't have to rely on heat, at all, if you so choose. Prospurr4 is a no heat, texlaxed queen :notworthy Check out what she has to say about her texlax experience here.

Again I can totally relate to your struggle. I wish you well with your decision. All will be well, whatever you decide.

Denise
 
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