Asexuality
- Thread starter Amante
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itsjusthair88
Chronically at BSL -_-
I do actually know someone dealing with this; she's a biracial woman (african american and asian), college educated, no past history or sexual or physical abuse, comes from a 2-parent home in a suburban area, about 29 (just giving her stats people, this is NOT about her race or anything), I've known her for 3 years and she only just let me know. She struggled a lot with these feelings; when she was a teenager she tried to like boys, and had boyfriends and even had sexual relations with males in high school. Upon entering college she decided she must be a lesbian, since she never liked any dude and then struggled with this for about 5 years. She regularly sees a therapist AND a sex therapist to understand these feelings.
She has emotional feelings for males, she just is not sexually attracted to anybody. If you are going through this OP, I urge you to get some help. She still hasn't told me everything about her situation, but me and our other good friend are just supporting her; find a good support system, for sure.
She has emotional feelings for males, she just is not sexually attracted to anybody. If you are going through this OP, I urge you to get some help. She still hasn't told me everything about her situation, but me and our other good friend are just supporting her; find a good support system, for sure.
justicefighter1913
New Member
^^^^ interesting.
You know, I joke about this all the time, but I never realized that people really do feel that way. I thought that it was just for insects and plants. I wouldn't want to be asexual....not in the way that your friend is. That seems like it can be extremely difficult to deal with.
You know, I joke about this all the time, but I never realized that people really do feel that way. I thought that it was just for insects and plants. I wouldn't want to be asexual....not in the way that your friend is. That seems like it can be extremely difficult to deal with.
cheryl26
New Member
If you mean being attracted to someone or interested in sex, I never really was. I met my husband through a mutual friend and it took a lot of pestering on his part for us to even date. If we were to divorce now I would be content being alone for the rest of my life. I wouldn't say it's a struggle, just an indifference.
I don't get it. Is being asexual a bad thing? I would think that it was just another spot on the continuum. Some people are more sexual than others. Itsjusthair, are her problems because other people make her feel bad, or because she thinks there is something wrong with her. I just can't imagine why being asexual would be a problem. Looking forward to hearing more.
bunnie82
New Member
Asexual means to have absolutely no desire to have sex with anyone. No sexual feelings at all ever exist whether it be by a male of female...i.e. the person doesn't even get turned on...at all.....ummmm yeah.....i would say that would be a problem....
MissYocairis
Well-Known Member
I think there is a community of asexual people who are happy to be asexual and sex is not a necessary part of their definition of happiness. I think how you feel about your asexuality would be the determining factor on whether or not it's a problem. If it isn't a problem for you then there is no need to try and change it.
I think people who are not asexual cannot fathom such an orientation so, for them it would seem to be a problem. But, if someone is happiest without a sexual element to their lives, then why shouldn't they live their life along that path?
I listened to a podcast a while ago on this topic and a couple of people were interviewed and stated once they embraced their asexuality, they were much happier people than before when they were trying to go against that grain.
I think people who are not asexual cannot fathom such an orientation so, for them it would seem to be a problem. But, if someone is happiest without a sexual element to their lives, then why shouldn't they live their life along that path?
I listened to a podcast a while ago on this topic and a couple of people were interviewed and stated once they embraced their asexuality, they were much happier people than before when they were trying to go against that grain.
softblackcotton
Well-Known Member
Though not completely asexual, I think I may be closer to the asexual side of a sexuality continuum than otherwise. I don't think I've ever felt intensely sexual in my life. I attribute it mostly to not ever being in an established sexual relationship and being a virgin for so long. I've denied myself, so my body has had no choice but to adapt to my lifestyle. I have never been in a relationship with a man I've been intensely physically attracted to and there have been really two such men so far that I have been attracted to enough to possibly have had sex with had I been in a relationship with them. However, I ended up admiring them from afar for years due to my own insecurities 
, though I did have opportunities to try a relationship since both approached me romantically. Everyone else that I "dated" did barely anything to nothing for me despite the fact some of them were quite attractive though I didn't feel any strong physical attraction to them. I felt nothing kissing them. I felt nothing when they tried to feel me up. I felt nothing when they attempted more and I told them to stop. It has been quite easy to remain chaste thus long because of this. I may say I'm physically attracted to a guy based on his looks or the fantasy of him, however, I know in real life I will probably feel nothing if they tried something. I get more turned on by the mental fantasy of a guy, but when I had the opportunity to live out the fantasy I feel barely anything to nothing. I actually start to feel disgusted. I honestly feel I absolutely require...well I don't know. Other than a generally low libido and being an extremely mental person (I live in my head) I don't really completely understand why I cannot be sexually attracted to more men in real life. I'm pretty grateful though I don't have to be a slave to sex. Afterall the colossal BS the world goes through for fleeting body spasms.
, though I did have opportunities to try a relationship since both approached me romantically. Everyone else that I "dated" did barely anything to nothing for me despite the fact some of them were quite attractive though I didn't feel any strong physical attraction to them. I felt nothing kissing them. I felt nothing when they tried to feel me up. I felt nothing when they attempted more and I told them to stop. It has been quite easy to remain chaste thus long because of this. I may say I'm physically attracted to a guy based on his looks or the fantasy of him, however, I know in real life I will probably feel nothing if they tried something. I get more turned on by the mental fantasy of a guy, but when I had the opportunity to live out the fantasy I feel barely anything to nothing. I actually start to feel disgusted. I honestly feel I absolutely require...well I don't know. Other than a generally low libido and being an extremely mental person (I live in my head) I don't really completely understand why I cannot be sexually attracted to more men in real life. I'm pretty grateful though I don't have to be a slave to sex. Afterall the colossal BS the world goes through for fleeting body spasms.softblackcotton & cheryl26, what are your thoughts on sex & marriage & having a family?
larry3344
Well-Known Member
Geez I am struggling with this too. I like the idea of sharing your life with a partner and all but the sex bit grosses me out. I am 21 and I have never thought about sex deeply. When I get touched by someone of the opposite sex it repulses me. I have contemplated if I am a lesbian but I do not think so. I am thinking of speaking to my mother about it but she's african so I have a bad feeling where that will lead.
Weezy Jefferson
Lil' Mama apologist
Here's the link to an asexual forum that seems to be really active:
http://www.asexuality.org/en/
(It's the first thing that comes up when you Google "asexual forum," so you may have already found this, but hopefully it helps.)
http://www.asexuality.org/en/
(It's the first thing that comes up when you Google "asexual forum," so you may have already found this, but hopefully it helps.)
cheryl26
New Member
Sex...I don't hate it or love it but it hmm pleases my partner so I participate
I don't have much of an opinion on it. For marriage, I enjoy having someone around sort of like a best friend. It does not bother me to fake interest in certain things b/c he does do a lot for me and I like his company. We are the only two members that will be in our family, kids were decided against before we married. I'm not kid-friendly. I don't know if this ties into asexuality somehow but I noticed a while back, it's hard for me to care about people . I question myself a lot about loving my own husband or mother sometimes. Do others feel this way? Even with close kin, when they pass I cannot cry about it. Now animals I can bawl over but people, it's different.
softblackcotton
Well-Known Member
It would be nice to be happily married one day but I have recently decided to take off my list of life goals. I'm like if it happens, it happens, eh. As far as marriage goes, I believe a sexual relationship should take place only within marriage and its really easy for me to hold up that standard. I am hopeful that I will be able to enjoy sex with a future husband if it happens, however, I am no longer worrying myself over it. If marriage happens for me then sex will naturally follow. If it doesn't, I'm cool. I also don't really have a desire for children, but I don't know what the future holds. I may be totally different by this time next year. I am hopeful I could enjoy sex with a man I truly love and am in a secure, happy committed relatiship with (married to) because I even though I have a very low libido I have not been completely void of sexual feelings. I still get a little tingle here or there when I am spurred by an image or dream in my head. I really think the main thing missing is deep emotional commitment to a man if that happens I believe sexual feelings will flare up with a vengeance
itsjusthair88
Chronically at BSL -_-
***Disclaimer: I am not expert, but I am helping a friend deal with this and can only tell you guys what I have learned in this short period of time***
Yes it is and it's not like the same asexuality as on the animal kingdom, as I understand it. Insect and animal (other than humans, because trust, we ARE animals) asexuality is a biological reproductive system that involves being able to "spawn" your own off-spring; where as this type of asexuality is just the lack of feeling sexual. Or at least, that's what I've gotten out of it.
Her problems are purely internal; we've (my other friends and I) always noticed her lack of interest in men and we assumed she was a lesbian, which would not change how we feel about her at all. I think, as human beings, we are constantly bombarded with the idea of sexual love and sexual "chemistry" and that's it's supposed to be there and for her, it's not. Also, she wants a relationship, but cannot engage in what is arguably, the most important part of a relationship, the physical side. These are the things she has told me.
I sort of agree, it's a problem if you desire that kind of company; with some people, I can imagine, it's okay.
I TOTALLY agree, wonderful point
I don't think you are asexual, I think you are having a physical and mental inconsistency, or miscommunication; explore this "road block" a little more deeply. Because asexuality is definite, it isn't, "oh I am attracted to this guy but I'm scarred" it's "oh, I looked at this guy and felt NOTHING" you know? Now that I am aware of her orientation, I have accompanied her to a local "meetup" that helps people deal with this emotion. It has been a serious eye-opener. May I ask, are you remaining a virgin until marriage? Or has it just not happened yet?
This is not asexuality, repulsion is not feeling they get (from what I have gauged and been led to understand) they get no feeling, they are apathetic to the moment. Many of them go through the motions of sex for years (as a woman with 4 kids who had been married for 20 years explained to us one evening) but no one has yet to mention repulsion, that I have heard. I can only say what I have been privy to. I would really recommend you look deeper into why you feel this way; it may have underlying issues, repulsion is such a strong word...just my humble opinion.
Hmm...I'm glad you found someone you love who loves you, and no, I don't think you're potential apathy towards others is a part if asexuality, my friend (who is seriously a good friend of mine) regularly displays affection towards me, her other friends (both male and female), her family members, her dog Brutus, she just doesn't have sexual feelings. I am not sure what your feelings tie into, but it's always wise to seek counsel if you feel this may be a problem
Yes it is and it's not like the same asexuality as on the animal kingdom, as I understand it. Insect and animal (other than humans, because trust, we ARE animals) asexuality is a biological reproductive system that involves being able to "spawn" your own off-spring; where as this type of asexuality is just the lack of feeling sexual. Or at least, that's what I've gotten out of it.
Her problems are purely internal; we've (my other friends and I) always noticed her lack of interest in men and we assumed she was a lesbian, which would not change how we feel about her at all. I think, as human beings, we are constantly bombarded with the idea of sexual love and sexual "chemistry" and that's it's supposed to be there and for her, it's not. Also, she wants a relationship, but cannot engage in what is arguably, the most important part of a relationship, the physical side. These are the things she has told me.
Asexual means to have absolutely no desire to have sex with anyone. No sexual feelings at all ever exist whether it be by a male of female...i.e. the person doesn't even get turned on...at all.....ummmm yeah.....i would say that would be a problem....
I sort of agree, it's a problem if you desire that kind of company; with some people, I can imagine, it's okay.
I TOTALLY agree, wonderful point
Though not completely asexual, I think I may be closer to the asexual side of a sexuality continuum than otherwise. I don't think I've ever felt intensely sexual in my life. I attribute it mostly to not ever being in an established sexual relationship and being a virgin for so long. I've denied myself, so my body has had no choice but to adapt to my lifestyle. I have never been in a relationship with a man I've been intensely physically attracted to and there have been really two such men so far that I have been attracted to enough to possibly have had sex with had I been in a relationship with them. However, I ended up admiring them from afar for years due to my own insecurities
I don't think you are asexual, I think you are having a physical and mental inconsistency, or miscommunication; explore this "road block" a little more deeply. Because asexuality is definite, it isn't, "oh I am attracted to this guy but I'm scarred" it's "oh, I looked at this guy and felt NOTHING" you know? Now that I am aware of her orientation, I have accompanied her to a local "meetup" that helps people deal with this emotion. It has been a serious eye-opener. May I ask, are you remaining a virgin until marriage? Or has it just not happened yet?
This is not asexuality, repulsion is not feeling they get (from what I have gauged and been led to understand) they get no feeling, they are apathetic to the moment. Many of them go through the motions of sex for years (as a woman with 4 kids who had been married for 20 years explained to us one evening) but no one has yet to mention repulsion, that I have heard. I can only say what I have been privy to. I would really recommend you look deeper into why you feel this way; it may have underlying issues, repulsion is such a strong word...just my humble opinion.
Sex...I don't hate it or love it but it hmm pleases my partner so I participate
Hmm...I'm glad you found someone you love who loves you, and no, I don't think you're potential apathy towards others is a part if asexuality, my friend (who is seriously a good friend of mine) regularly displays affection towards me, her other friends (both male and female), her family members, her dog Brutus, she just doesn't have sexual feelings. I am not sure what your feelings tie into, but it's always wise to seek counsel if you feel this may be a problem
softblackcotton
Well-Known Member
Yes, I am waiting until marriage, but it hasn't always been that way. In my youth, it was because I hadn't met anyone. However, now that I'm 26, I realize marriage might not ever happen. I just don't care about having sex anymore, my body has adapted to my life. The world is saturated with sex and I'm jaded. I may not be completely asexual, but I feel that way.
eta: where can I find out more about this meetup?
ebonylocs
New Member
Yes, I am waiting until marriage, but it hasn't always been that way. In my youth, it was because I hadn't met anyone. However, now that I'm 26, I realize marriage might not ever happen. I just don't care about having sex anymore, my body has adapted to my life. The world is saturated with sex and I'm jaded. I may not be completely asexual, but I feel that way.
at the bold.Anyway, softblackcotton: Girl, stop. You ain't asexual. You're just disillusioned. Look for reasons to join into life, instead of excuses to opt out of it.
mischka
shrinkage.
Though not completely asexual, I think I may be closer to the asexual side of a sexuality continuum than otherwise. I don't think I've ever felt intensely sexual in my life. I attribute it mostly to not ever being in an established sexual relationship and being a virgin for so long. I've denied myself, so my body has had no choice but to adapt to my lifestyle. I have never been in a relationship with a man I've been intensely physically attracted to and there have been really two such men so far that I have been attracted to enough to possibly have had sex with had I been in a relationship with them. However, I ended up admiring them from afar for years due to my own insecurities
I think the bolded are all interrelated there....
I wonder what do asexual people think about marriage? Like you don't want a sexual relationship but you still want to mate with someone for life?
itsjusthair88
Chronically at BSL -_-
Yes, I am waiting until marriage, but it hasn't always been that way. In my youth, it was because I hadn't met anyone. However, now that I'm 26, I realize marriage might not ever happen. I just don't care about having sex anymore, my body has adapted to my life. The world is saturated with sex and I'm jaded. I may not be completely asexual, but I feel that way.
ITA with ebonylocs below, I still don't think you are asexual; it sounds like you are well...jaded lol. Sorry, I have to call it like I see it. I can't tell you anything about the group she's in; her therapist hooked her up with it; I really think you should talk to a professional about the way you feel, but once again, I don't think you're asexual.
Anyway, @softblackcotton: Girl, stop. You ain't asexual. You're just disillusioned. Look for reasons to join into life, instead of excuses to opt out of it.
I agree...fully.
I agree with you said about the bolded being interrelated and what I've gotten out of it is that they still desire companionship in some form; they just don't desire sex, they aren't sexually aroused.
Sexyred
New Member
From what I have read and seen on a documentary, aesexuals do not get married for any other prupose but companionship. That is why again from what I have read it is strongly recommended that aesexuals only marry other aesexuals. They get pleasure (not sexual) but a better sense of well being from knowing that their is someone there. They do not want to procreate and are perfectly happy living the rest of their lives as too people coexisting togehter (If this makes any sense).