Arranged marriages are more likely to develop into lasting love...

[aribell]

...according to a recent Harvard study.

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Thursday, Mar 10 2011 6AM 5°C 9AM 8°C 5-Day Forecast

Why an arranged marriage 'is more likely to develop into lasting love'


By Paul Bentley


Last updated at 11:16 PM on 4th March 2011

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They are seen by many as business deals that have little to do with love.
But arranged marriages are far more likely to lead to lasting affection than marriages of passion, experts claim.

According to research, those in arranged marriages – or who have had their partner chosen for them by a parent or matchmaker – tend to feel more in love as time grows, whereas those in regular marriages feel less in love over time.

In love: Couples who have their other half chosen for them have a stronger marriage because their love grows over time

And within ten years, the connection felt by those in arranged marriages is said to be around twice as strong.
Relationship experts claim this is because arranged matches are carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’ families, interests and life goals are compatible.
This means they are more likely to commit for life – and to stick together through rocky patches.
Those who marry for love, on the other hand, tend to be blinded by passion and so overlook these crucial details.
When the going gets tough, they are more likely to view the situation simply as a natural end to their romantic dream – a way of fate telling them something is wrong with the relationship.
With soaring divorce rates and record numbers of single-parent households in the West, researchers suggest it is time to rethink the Western approach to love. Harvard academic Dr Robert Epstein has studied the subject of arranged marriages for eight years, looking at the approaches taken in cultural groups including Indian, Pakistani and Orthodox Jewish.
He has interviewed more than 100 couples in arranged marriages to assess their strength of feeling and studied his findings against more than 30 years of research into love in Western and arranged marriages.

Lasting love? Newly-weds on their honeymoon. Within ten years those who had their marriage arranged will have a stronger relationship, researchers said

His work suggests that feelings of love in love matches begin to fade by as much as a half in 18 months, whereas the love in the arranged marriages tends to grow gradually, surpassing the love in the unarranged marriages at about the five-year mark.
Ten years on, the affection felt by those in arranged marriages is typically twice as strong.
Dr Epstein believes this is because Westerners leave their love lives to chance, or fate, often confusing love with lust, whereas those in other cultures look for more than just passion.
He said: ‘The idea is we must not leave our love lives to chance. We plan our education, our careers and our finances but we’re still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our love lives. I do not advocate arranged marriages but I think a lot can be learned from them.
‘In arranged marriages, thought goes into the matching. In the West, physical attraction is important. But people must be able to distinguish lust from love. Strong physical attraction is very dangerous, it can be blinding.
‘In the West marriages are easy to get out of. But in arranged marriages, the commitment is very strong. They get married knowing they won’t leave, so when times are harder – if they face injury or trauma – they don’t run away. It brings them closer.’
Francine Kaye, relationship expert and author of The Divorce Doctor, added: ‘There is an awful lot to be said for arranged marriages. They are determined to make it work.
‘I have seen in arranged marriages in the Orthodox Jewish community that the parents very carefully look at compatibility – it is not left to chance. They do their homework on their characteristics, their values, morals and life goals.
‘It should be pointed out that arranged marriages work because culturally marriage is seen differently. We have a very romantic view of marriage. Theirs is more pragmatic.
‘There is a downside to arranged marriages though – no matter how pragmatic you are in choosing a partner, there always needs to be chemistry.’

 

[barbiesocialite]

makes sense.

The more people have resorted to picking their own spouses, the more the divorce rate has been going up. Nowadays people marry for love, passion, sex, "self completion" and movie-like fireworks. Marriage wasn't created for that purpose so it's less likely to lasts when those are your primary reasons for being with your spouse. Spousal selection and marriage should be much more pragmatic with long-term social, familial & economic goals in mind, hence the success of arranged marriages.

I wish I could arrange my future children's marriages.

 

[Austro-Afrikana]

I think that one factor is that people tend to get married so quickly, like within a year or two of knowing their partner. Also people seem to be so unwilling to work at their relationships. They just think, oh it's not working ATM time to cheat or leave. SO and I went through 2 years of bad times but we worked at it and now, after 5 years, we love each other more than ever. I think most people who choose for love expect a fairytale where everything is perfect.

Mind you some people in arranged marriages get fed up too. My parents had an arranged marriage and my dad left. My aunty, mum's bf, is separated after her husbands SECOND affair, I know quite a few people in my mum's religion where, usually the men have ended their marriages.

Although the theory doesn't hold in my experience, I think it is plausible but mainly because they are willing to make it work, usually for cultural or social reasons but they make it work nonetheless. The problem with most people these days is that they want a perfect relationship, and that just won't happen. People really need to learn that a relationship is hard work...

 

[Aviah]

I'm a psychology major, and have heard this before. However I'm not completely sold on its findings. A point I wonder about is, the communities that he looked at tend to be more collectivist, more about the community. What are the social implications of they saying that they were not happy? Its not just their marriage that would have problems, but potentially a family name may be "tarnished" in some way possibly. Plus, there may be more outside pressure to stay together for those reasons.

Secondly, self-report is very subjective. How did they assess couples being twice as happy as other couples? You can't put a number on that type of thing, a 5/10 to me is different to 5/10 for someone else.

I do agree that Western views of marriage tend to be overly focused on the romantic (at the expense of long term practicality sometimes) and vital details may be neglected. Not to mention the will to "work it out" these days is a lot less than what it used to be.

 

[TrueToHair]

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[TrueToHair]

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[barbiesocialite]

‘In the West marriages are easy to get out of. But in arranged marriages, the commitment is very strong. They get married knowing they won’t leave, so when times are harder – if they face injury or trauma – they don’t run away. It brings them closer.’

Still not buying this story (the bolded is why). "They get married knowing they won't leave." You know why? Because in each of the cultures mentioned, divorce usually results in shunning from the entire community.

I have friends all over the world, but let me just give two examples. I have a Bengali friend (male) and a Parsi friend (female) who got out of their arranged engagements when they found out the other person was cheating. Engagement. Both were told that they "brought shame upon the family" because the engagement had already been announced. No one wanted to "give" their son to my friend after that (she was 21), and she's just now finding someone at 30 (perhaps). The Bengali friend is still looking.

I'm still not convinced that there's more love of the person, but more like love of the community values and fear of being rejected from the only community you know. More affection, perhaps, but it's not like a lot of these people have a choice.

Personally, I believe it is better to grow in love with someone. To me respect can turn into love, that applies to everyone in my life that I love including my own parents and siblings. I never love anyone without just cause to do so and that requires years of consistent observable evidence that the person is committed to our marriage and family, respects me and has my best interests at heart.

Applied to marriage, falling in love to me would have to occur gradually over years after watching someone in their role as husband and father. Of course respect, appreciation for an individual's character and a fair amount of enjoyment spending time with the person must come before I marry them, however, being "In Love" or love of substance would never come before they are actually in these roles and able to prove themselves worthy. And vice versa as applied to someone being in love with me.

that said, what defines love is subjective in this case.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I understand how divorce will be lower but that doesn't translate to less infidelity.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I understand how divorce will be lower but that doesn't translate to less infidelity.

infidelity isn't a dealbreaker for every woman or couple

 

[BeautifulFlower]

infidelity isn't a dealbreaker for every woman or couple

True, but does not seem like much of a marriage to me if infidelity is tolerable.

 

[barbiesocialite]

True, but does not seem like much of a marriage to me if infidelity is tolerable.

what works for some doesnt work for others. that's why I said what constitutes "love" in healthy and lasting marriage is relative

 

[ambergirl]

I'm a psychology major, and have heard this before. However I'm not completely sold on its findings. A point I wonder about is, the communities that he looked at tend to be more collectivist, more about the community. What are the social implications of they saying that they were not happy? Its not just their marriage that would have problems, but potentially a family name may be "tarnished" in some way possibly. Plus, there may be more outside pressure to stay together for those reasons.

Secondly, self-report is very subjective. How did they assess couples being twice as happy as other couples? You can't put a number on that type of thing, a 5/10 to me is different to 5/10 for someone else.

Great post. I also think a person in an arranged marriage may have a totally different perception of what a "happy" marriage looks like then someone who chose their partner.

I'm not downing arranged marriages per se, but I think comparing arranged marriages and people who chose their own spouses is a bit apples and oranges.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Great post. I also think a person in an arranged marriage may have a totally different perception of what a "happy" marriage looks like then someone who chose their partner.

I'm not downing arranged marriages per se, but I think comparing arranged marriages and people who chose their on spouses is a bit apples and oranges.

maybe they should change the subject topic from "lasting love" to "lasting marriage." Divorce likelihood and rates seem to be the study's determinant of marital success.

 

[LiftedUp]

I think it works largely because the couple feel as this they have to make it work. Divorce is not an option unless it's that terrible (unbearable physical abuse) as it may bring shame to your family.

I can see how and arranged marriage can grow into love. Maybe it is becaue I never experienced or don't believe in the love at first sight notion, but in many relationships that I've had, romantic or otherwise, I grew to love that person.

 

[aribell]

I think the main thrust of the article is that the study is tracking the trajectory of feelings over time. It's saying that the "in love" feeling in arranged marriages starts off non-existent or very small and tends to grow more and more over the years. Whereas with western couples the trend is to start very much head over heels and that feeling get weaker and weaker which seems to be why so much energy is placed on how to keep the "spark" alive, how to stay in love, etc.

I don't think that social pressure would impact a person feeling more in love with their spouse. It may make them stay when they would otherwise leave, but social pressures can't grow emotions within you. I think what the researcher is saying is that the emotional trajectory tends to be different between the two types of couples who have remained married.

But of course, there are plenty of happy couples who did it the Western way, and unhappy ones that did it the non-Western way.

I also wonder if managing expectations plays a part in this (I think this was mentioned upthread). *Assuming* you have an overall decent person, who's financially secure, good temperament, and physically attractive to you to some extent, then I don't see why that would be a bad thing necessarily. If someone goes into it expecting a decent person, stable husband, present father--then they will be happy with what they got. And then, as they share good times over the years and work together, the happiness grows because a real bond of love develops. Of course that's contingent on there being decent people involved and mutual commitment to making things good, but it makes sense to me.

I don't think a marriage has to be arranged to manage expectations though. It just seems like getting away from the "This person is my world and I must always feel butterflies in my stomach and he must always make grand romantic gestures and I can't marry him until I feel like I could never be happy without him..." might be a good attitude to get away from.

 

[ambergirl]

I think the main thrust of the article is that the study is tracking the trajectory of feelings over time. It's saying that the "in love" feeling in arranged marriages starts off non-existent or very small and tends to grow more and more over the years. Whereas with western couples the trend is to start very much head over heels and that feeling get weaker and weaker which seems to be why so much energy is placed on how to keep the "spark" alive, how to stay in love, etc.

I don't think that social pressure would impact a person feeling more in love with their spouse. It may make them stay when they would otherwise leave, but social pressures can't grow emotions within you. I think what the researcher is saying is that the emotional trajectory tends to be different between the two types of couples who have remained married.

But of course, there are plenty of happy couples who did it the Western way, and unhappy ones that did it the non-Western way.

I also wonder if managing expectations plays a part in this (I think this was mentioned upthread). *Assuming* you have an overall decent person, who's financially secure, good temperament, and physically attractive to you to some extent, then I don't see why that would be a bad thing necessarily. If someone goes into it expecting a decent person, stable husband, present father--then they will be happy with what they got. And then, as they share good times over the years and work together, the happiness grows because a real bond of love develops. Of course that's contingent on there being decent people involved and mutual commitment to making things good, but it makes sense to me.

I don't think a marriage has to be arranged to manage expectations though. It just seems like getting away from the "This person is my world and I must always feel butterflies in my stomach and he must always make grand romantic gestures and I can't marry him until I feel like I could never be happy without him..." might be a good attitude to get away from.

This right here is key to me. Some people will be happy with the decent, good guy who puts food on the table, keeps a roof over their families head, and doesn't make them want to hurl when they look at him....some people won't.

I don't think most mature people of any culture expect lifelong, non-stop butterflies in their stomachs regarding their spouses, but given that in Western societies marriage has evolved from primarily an economic necessity or family bonding experience to one focused more on companionship and compatibility, it makes sense that the list of desireable traits is a bit longer.

 

[jwhitley6]

I think the main thrust of the article is that the study is tracking the trajectory of feelings over time. It's saying that the "in love" feeling in arranged marriages starts off non-existent or very small and tends to grow more and more over the years. Whereas with western couples the trend is to start very much head over heels and that feeling get weaker and weaker which seems to be why so much energy is placed on how to keep the "spark" alive, how to stay in love, etc.

I don't think that social pressure would impact a person feeling more in love with their spouse. It may make them stay when they would otherwise leave, but social pressures can't grow emotions within you. I think what the researcher is saying is that the emotional trajectory tends to be different between the two types of couples who have remained married.

But of course, there are plenty of happy couples who did it the Western way, and unhappy ones that did it the non-Western way.

I also wonder if managing expectations plays a part in this (I think this was mentioned upthread). *Assuming* you have an overall decent person, who's financially secure, good temperament, and physically attractive to you to some extent, then I don't see why that would be a bad thing necessarily. If someone goes into it expecting a decent person, stable husband, present father--then they will be happy with what they got. And then, as they share good times over the years and work together, the happiness grows because a real bond of love develops. Of course that's contingent on there being decent people involved and mutual commitment to making things good, but it makes sense to me.

I don't think a marriage has to be arranged to manage expectations though. It just seems like getting away from the "This person is my world and I must always feel butterflies in my stomach and he must always make grand romantic gestures and I can't marry him until I feel like I could never be happy without him..." might be a good attitude to get away from.

Excellent post!

 

[vevster]

With what I'm going through right now, I need my parents in heaven to arrange a marriage for me pronto! I'm tired of the BS.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

With what I'm going through right now, I need my parents in heaven to arrange a marriage for me pronto! I'm tired of the BS.

I feel the same way sometimes lol

 

[princessnad]

I think a large part of the results listed is management of expectations. Those in arranged marriages probably don't expect the type of passion in a marriage that those who marry for love/lust do. It stands to reason that down the line when passion understandably fades, those in arranged marriages will be less bothered by it.

 

[Theo]

Meh... not impressed.

If you weren't in love at all in beginning, its not hard to feel more in love as time goes on

Its not like there was much love to lose in the first place anyway. Common sense.

 

[UrbainChic]

This goes along with what I always say. Marriage was never invented as a primary vehicle of romantic love, it is a primary vehicle for a stable family and economic unit. Love is a bonus.

Romantic love vs the deep love I see in long marriages (chosen or not chosen) are different. I think you have a different level of appreciation for your partner if arranged.