Argument with my dad

[mrselle]

I got into an argument with my father. To make a long story short, my brother is graduating from college the day before Mother’s Day. My parents told me over the weekend that the graduation ceremony begins at 8am. His college is an hour away from where my husband and I live. We have an eight month old baby and it will be a bit challenging to make it his graduation on time. My husband and I were tossing out ideas about how we would be able to get there on time. These weren’t concrete plans it was simply he and I talking out loud about how the day would possibly go. I never said that I wasn’t going to go to my brother’s graduation. I *did* day that there is a possibility that I would be the only one going, but I never once said that I wasn’t going to see my brother graduate. Well, somehow my parents communicated to my brother that I wasn’t going to go. He called me last night and the first thing he said was, “How come you’re not coming to my graduation?” I told him that I never said that and I asked him who told him that I wasn’t coming and he said my mom told him that I wasn’t coming because my baby has to eat. My parents made a few snide comments about me to my brother, but I didn’t want to get into it, so I told my brother that I would definitely be at his graduation.

I called my parents and asked them if they told my brother that I wasn’t coming. My mother said that she told him that not all of us would be there because of my daughter’s feeding schedule and that my dad was the one who told him that I would not be there. My dad got on the phone and told me that he told my brother that because of my daughter’s feeding schedule only one of us would be able to make it to his graduation and that my husband would probably be the one to stay home and that I would be there. My dad asked me if I was upset and I told him in a mature way that the conversation should have not been repeated to my brother because it was nothing more than my husband and I tossing out ideas and trying to come up with a way for all of us to be there. He asked me if I was upset and I told him that I was very upset. I didn’t yell or curse at him, but I did let him know that I did not appreciate the conversation being repeated to my brother because somehow he got the impression that I wasn’t going to be at his graduation. My dad gave the phone to my mother and I could hear him say in the background that he did not want to talk to me, he did not have time for all that and he was not going to let me talk to him that way. I asked my mom if I could talk to him again so I could apologize and I could hear him say that he did not feel like talking to me. I told my mom to tell him that I apologize if he felt like I disrespected him because that was not my intent.

I apologized because I heard in my spirit to apologize. I know that sometimes we have to apologize even if we did nothing wrong. Someone has to be the bigger person. Someone needs to be the one to try to make things right. I don’t want to be at odds with my dad, but I think that this is something that has been coming for a long time. Over the past year or so he has said some hurtful things to me and some things about me to other members of our family. My mother has not come to my defense. She doesn’t say much to me and in some ways she has tried to remain neutral, but I know that she is on his side because she has told me many time that marriage vows say “forsaking all others”.

So my question…is there anything more that I could have done or anything more I should do? I honestly, was not trying to disrespect him, but I am very hurt that my parents felt the need to repeat the discussion and then add their own sarcastic view of it all. The Bible says to honor thy mother and father. I respect my parents, but they have done so many things to hurt me and they are not open to discussing how I feel. What can I do?

 

[Shimmie]

First of all, and foremost...of ALL...

"Woman thou ART loosed!!!"

Just be free. I've been through more than this and I can tell you it's just not worth the energy than to love them and forget it. Drop it, leave it, let it go.

Ummmmm, your first ministry and obligation is to your husband and your children. Otherwise, the rest of the family has to let it go. You can't do it all. You can't. God did not split you up like that. You are planted as Adam's rib... your husband's prime rib and that's it and only it.

If you make it to the event, great. If not...GREATER. For the greater ONE the Jesus lives on the inside of you and that's that.

((( hugs and peace angel)....

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I got into an argument with my father. To make a long story short, my brother is graduating from college the day before Mother’s Day. My parents told me over the weekend that the graduation ceremony begins at 8am. His college is an hour away from where my husband and I live. We have an eight month old baby and it will be a bit challenging to make it his graduation on time. My husband and I were tossing out ideas about how we would be able to get there on time. These weren’t concrete plans it was simply he and I talking out loud about how the day would possibly go. I never said that I wasn’t going to go to my brother’s graduation. I *did* day that there is a possibility that I would be the only one going, but I never once said that I wasn’t going to see my brother graduate. Well, somehow my parents communicated to my brother that I wasn’t going to go. He called me last night and the first thing he said was, “How come you’re not coming to my graduation?” I told him that I never said that and I asked him who told him that I wasn’t coming and he said my mom told him that I wasn’t coming because my baby has to eat. My parents made a few snide comments about me to my brother, but I didn’t want to get into it, so I told my brother that I would definitely be at his graduation.

I called my parents and asked them if they told my brother that I wasn’t coming. My mother said that she told him that not all of us would be there because of my daughter’s feeding schedule and that my dad was the one who told him that I would not be there. My dad got on the phone and told me that he told my brother that because of my daughter’s feeding schedule only one of us would be able to make it to his graduation and that my husband would probably be the one to stay home and that I would be there. My dad asked me if I was upset and I told him in a mature way that the conversation should have not been repeated to my brother because it was nothing more than my husband and I tossing out ideas and trying to come up with a way for all of us to be there. He asked me if I was upset and I told him that I was very upset. I didn’t yell or curse at him, but I did let him know that I did not appreciate the conversation being repeated to my brother because somehow he got the impression that I wasn’t going to be at his graduation. My dad gave the phone to my mother and I could hear him say in the background that he did not want to talk to me, he did not have time for all that and he was not going to let me talk to him that way. I asked my mom if I could talk to him again so I could apologize and I could hear him say that he did not feel like talking to me. I told my mom to tell him that I apologize if he felt like I disrespected him because that was not my intent.

I apologized because I heard in my spirit to apologize. I know that sometimes we have to apologize even if we did nothing wrong. Someone has to be the bigger person. Someone needs to be the one to try to make things right. I don’t want to be at odds with my dad, but I think that this is something that has been coming for a long time. Over the past year or so he has said some hurtful things to me and some things about me to other members of our family. My mother has not come to my defense. She doesn’t say much to me and in some ways she has tried to remain neutral, but I know that she is on his side because she has told me many time that marriage vows say “forsaking all others”.

So my question…is there anything more that I could have done or anything more I should do? I honestly, was not trying to disrespect him, but I am very hurt that my parents felt the need to repeat the discussion and then add their own sarcastic view of it all. The Bible says to honor thy mother and father. I respect my parents, but they have done so many things to hurt me and they are not open to discussing how I feel. What can I do?

I understand that you feel hurt, I'm sure that it's hurtful just knowing that you are having problems with your parents.

On that note, you are right about the bolded part that says to honor your mother and father. I don't think that the Lord wants us to honor them only if they do right or wrong for that matter, but to honor them for their positions as parents. We need parents, that's why God calls us His children and we call Him Father. Our parents will make mistakes where God is perfect and can never do wrong.

I say pray for them and give him a little time. Try to work out something where you and your family can go to the graduation and then afterwards, go with your dad alone and have a one on one with him. Without judgements, tell him how you feel and how much you love him and now that you are an adult, you want to have a better relationship with him. He knows he does wrong by saying things to others about you, so don't even repeat that to him when you talk to him. Just tell him that you love him and that you want to be able to communicate better with him.

Pray before you speak to him, though ok? God will work all things together for the good to them who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

Let us know the outcome, ok?

I'll be praying for you and your family.

 

[mrselle]

Ladies, thank you for your advice. Looking back I think that the best thing would have been to tell my brother that I would be there and to leave it alone. There was probably no reason to call my parents. This is like the telephone game...you whisper something in one persons ear and by the time it makes it back to that person the entire message is completely different from the original one.

I'm hurt, but I'm not going to hold a grudge. My dad says that he holds grudges for a long time. Thats fine. There is nothing I can do about that.

My husband and I talked this morning and we are going to spend Friday night at my mother-in-law's house (she is about 30 minutes from my brother's school). Go to my brother's graduation, drive another hour to my parents house for a cook out and then go back home that night (two hour drive). Yes we'll be exhausted, but how often does my baby brother graduate from college?

I'll let you all know how our next conversation goes. My family doesn't ever really resolve anything. Things tend to get swept under the rug. I have a feeling that the result of this will be lots of passive aggressive behavior, a few snide comments to me and/or my husband and all this will blow over in a few months. Not very healthy at all.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

I would say be loving, but stern...with a special emphasis on stern. I would meet with the father (preferably prior to graduation) and let him know that I was privy to the snide remarks being made and question his or other family members need to make them. I would also state that as a member of the family who has nothing but love, you feel that the remarks are unfair and a sign of disunity. You can use your daughter as an example to say that you love her and must consider her needs (i.e. feeding schedule) and that as parents and grandparents they should likewise see the importance of you and your daughters needs. If this is simply a case of miscommunication then I would correct the misinformation presented to all parties. However, if its an instance of double talk, I would request that as a family unit we are careful when repeating what was heard especially on topics that may be misconstrued or hurtful. If your spirit led you to apologize, then you it is good that you follow your spirit. I am always careful to issue apologies, especially when I have done no wrong, lest the other person continue in thir 'misbehavior' by unfairly and unjustly placing blame on myself. That is not to say dont ever apologize, but it is to say make sure that it is fitting.

Parents should be honored. But the kicker here is that parents are flesh blood who are sometimes imperfect in their doings and sayings. I think that it serves an injustice to the entire family not to address and attempt to correct such happenings. I read over my response and it sounds quite 'rebel-like' but all that I suggest can be done in a loving, respectful, Godly, and "feet to the ground chin tilted in the air" manner God bless you and I pray everything works out for the unity of your entire family.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

Oops Mrselle Looks like we were posting at the same time. I'm glad that you and your hubby came up with a solution and hope that things go well on Graduation day