Are you afraid to get married?

[jaiku]

I know alot of women on this forum are very interested in getting married. Are there any ladies her who just don't want to be married ever? Personally, I'm on the fence about this but I know I'll have to make up my mind very soon.

 

[awhyley]

Based on my parents' (who are still together) marriage, let's just say that I'm more than a little hesitant.

Edited to add: There was no physical abuse, rampant cheating, etc. however seeing two people grow apart but stay together because they didn't want to start new lives doesn't make me want to rush down the aisle.

 

[tiara76]

I've never been gung ho about it....these days I can prob settle down with one person...the other years, there was no way....however I still know that all that really matters is that people grow, love, share and experience together...I wouldn't be able to stay together if we grew apart and were just comfortable....we can just be friends then, not roomates who pretend to not want to do other things in life or other people when one or both of us really does

marriage itself in the sense its constructed now, in I have no desire to be in at all..

a marriage where me and other party define our own terms, vows and what a truly loving relationship entails to us specifically I can do

 

[BKVincy]

Everything aint for every body please dont get caught up in the forums "ideals"
If you really truly feel that its not for you theres nothing wrong with that

 

[GoingNatural]

I know alot of women on this forum are very interested in getting married. Are there any ladies her who just don't want to be married ever? Personally, I'm on the fence about this but I know I'll have to make up my mind very soon.

I thought I would never get married. I'm still not too big on it seeing as I view it as a religious ceremony and I'm not into organized religion. But, I realized #1 if a man doesn't ask you to marry you then he's just not into you. Also, #2 if you tell a man you don't want to get married then that gives him the opportunity to leave whenever he wants--not saying he cant in marriage but they feel more "free".

Honestly, I don't think a lot of men believe in complete monogamy until you walk down an aisle and sign some papers. Until the ring is on there are too many loop holes.

 

[tiara76]

I thought I would never get married. I'm still not too big on it seeing as I view it as a religious ceremony and I'm not into organized religion. But, I realized #1 if a man doesn't ask you to marry you then he's just not into you. Also, #2 if you tell a man you don't want to get married then that gives him the opportunity to leave whenever he wants--not saying he cant in marriage but they feel more "free".

Honestly, I don't think a lot of men believe in complete monogamy until you walk down an aisle and sign some papers. Until the ring is on there are too many loop holes.

a monogomous man or a man who finds a woman where he wants to be monogomous has nothing to do with whether he gets married or not, however those are the types of men who would like to get married...

plenty of men who are not monogomous, who don't want to be, barely try to be still get married and still cheat and they usually don't leave because its too much of a hassle to leave vs they really want to stay, they do still think they are "free" to do what they want though.

me personally I would prefer a man leave if/when he feels like it....it won't do me n e good to have a man sticking around unless he really wants to, not because of anything else.....if men like where they are at, they aren't going n e where

the character of the man is what makes him and his feelings on monogomy and love not the marriage

 

[jaiku]

It's funny because we have been together for years and I never really wanted to get married or live together. My BFF told me I need to stop stringing that man along. I know he is the only person I could be married to but I love my freedom. Also, i have yet to see a marriage that I have admired. Too many people I know have told me too much of their business and now I'm afraid.

 

[tiara76]

It's funny because we have been together for years and I never really wanted to get married or live together. My BFF told me I need to stop stringing that man along. I know he is the only person I could be married to but I love my freedom. Also, i have yet to see a marriage that I have admired. Too many people I know have told me too much of their business and now I'm afraid.

I feel where you are coming from....^^there has been only one person I have been with where I would even think about settling down with....and even then I was real gung ho on the freedom aspect.....I personally = love with with freedom which is why I have no problem allowing a man his, but with me I find that a man isn't comfortable unless he feels like he can "trap" me....even my ex who Im referring to as someone I could have been with as long as we were growing together...he was cool when I made it clear that he has the freedom to choose who,what, where he wants to be, it was a major problem when it was also applied to me because he was convinced I was gonna choose somebody else over him even though I told him I was quite happy where I was.....he let it drive him completely bananas.....

 

[GoingNatural]

a monogomous man or a man who finds a woman where he wants to be monogomous has nothing to do with whether he gets married or not, however those are the types of men who would like to get married...

I'm just saying the fact that he isn't married would be his loophole--whether that's right or wrong. And since some people don't believe in monogamy until marriage or engagement he would have a "pass". Personally I would dump his a**.

I just think without marriage men can find a way to justify their actions. When you are married they may be a bit closer because you can end up with half of their money.




I am a fan of pre-nups...in my favor

 

[Syrah]

I love the idea of love, committment, support, loyalty, helping one achieve their dreams and vice versa, sexual exploration, exploring faith etc and having someone to share that with.

What I fear is the growing apart, that I think is inevitable. It's not an "if" but a "when". And what I truly feel makes or breaks a couple is what they do when they sense the "Growing" - whether they adjust and continue to grow together, or not adjust and grow apart (my parents after 24 years of marriage).

It doesn't mean that the fear would ever stop me from pursuing the commitment with the right person, but more that I look for certain characteristics in the people that I date. Thats why communication is so key to me - talk to me about whatever is on your mind, regardless of what you think my reaction will be. I want to be with someone who feels comfortable putting ANYTHING on the table, so that I will feel comfortable doing the same.

 

[Syrah]

I'm just saying the fact that he isn't married would be his loophole--whether that's right or wrong. And since some people don't believe in monogamy until marriage or engagement he would have a "pass". Personally I would dump his a**.

I just think without marriage men can find a way to justify their actions. When you are married they may be a bit closer because you can end up with half of their money.

I am a fan of pre-nups...in my favor

A lot of what you're talking about is not a function of men and commitment but how individual folks view commitment. Women assume that because he spends the night (or vice versa), you've met his family, he buys you some things and you have sex that you're in a committed relationship. Personally, I don't think you're in a committed relationship until you've had the conversation and the mutual agreement that this is the relationship you two have now embarked upon.

Folks who operate on assumptions especially in relationships???

 

[Filmatic]

I am apprehensive. I don't trust man. Until I work through that I won't be getting married. I have a hard time not believing that they will let me down. Plus, the people I have been in relationship with, I knew I would not marry though some asked.

 

[ebonylocs]

Ever since I was a little girl, I have not wanted marriage, and if anyone asked me, I would say it (which my mom found embarassing because she thought it it reflected badly on my parents' marriage). It wasn't *fear* really, but just a completely independent nature - love of autonomy and freedom. I just like being left up to my own devices. Always have. I like telling the world to leave me alone whenever I like. What I would say was, "I want to be free to go wherever and do whatever, without consulting whoever." I remember looking at women with husband and kids in tow, and feeling a shiver of dread/ nausea - I would make sure that would never be me, so trapped and confined. This kind of feeling is hard to explain to people, because so many assume that a desire for marriage is the default position for women.

I have met only one guy so far that I could ever consider spending the rest of my life with. I remember having a convo with a friend who said she has met several men she could marry. I'm like, "Where?"

This issue is real for me because the only man I ever truly loved wanted the marriage and children thing, and I just couldn't hang with that idea. Even if I could deal with marriage for his sake, I couldn't add children to it. Sometimes I wonder "what if?" After all, I love children, so would it be so bad? But I can't change who I am and how I want to live my life. Time may do that, but I can't will it on myself.

a monogomous man or a man who finds a woman where he wants to be monogomous has nothing to do with whether he gets married or not, however those are the types of men who would like to get married...

plenty of men who are not monogomous, who don't want to be, barely try to be still get married and still cheat and they usually don't leave because its too much of a hassle to leave vs they really want to stay, they do still think they are "free" to do what they want though.

me personally I would prefer a man leave if/when he feels like it....it won't do me n e good to have a man sticking around unless he really wants to, not because of anything else.....if men like where they are at, they aren't going n e where

the character of the man is what makes him and his feelings on monogomy and love not the marriage

I agree. Marriage will not make a man with polygamous tendencies monogamous. And a monogamous man will be monogamous, marriage or not. Any man I have to marry to close down his "loophole" is not a man I want to be with.

 

[tiara76]

Ever since I was a little girl, I have not wanted marriage, and if anyone asked me, I would say it (which my mom found embarassing because she thought it it reflected badly on my parents' marriage). It wasn't *fear* really, but just a completely independent nature - love of autonomy and freedom. I just like being left up to my own devices. Always have. I like telling the world to leave me alone whenever I like. What I would say was, "I want to be free to go wherever and do whatever, without consulting whoever." I remember looking at women with husband and kids in tow, and feeling a shiver of dread/ nausea - I would make sure that would never be me, so trapped and confined. This kind of feeling is hard to explain to people, because so many assume that a desire for marriage is the default position for women.

I have met only one guy so far that I could ever consider spending the rest of my life with. I remember having a convo with a friend who said she has met several men she could marry. I'm like, "Where?"

This issue is real for me because the only man I ever truly loved wanted the marriage and children thing, and I just couldn't hang with that idea. Even if I could deal with marriage for his sake, I couldn't add children to it. Sometimes I wonder "what if?" After all, I love children, so would it be so bad? But I can't change who I am and how I want to live my life. Time may do that, but I can't will it on myself.

I agree. Marriage will not make a man with polygamous tendencies monogamous. And a monogamous man will be monogamous, marriage or not. Any man I have to marry to close down his "loophole" is not a man I want to be with.

I can relate to how you feel.....definitely.....

 

[Likeyouneverseenme]

I never had the typical girlie dreams of getting married.
I have parents who demonstrated through their actions what a marriage should consist of; love, respect, honesty, mutual admiration, etc. So I was never confused about relationships and I have always been quick to leave when it didn't reflect what my parents have.
I had times where I was afraid that I'd marry someone I thought was right and then after marriage he would show his "dark side".

I have met someone very special who's parents relationship mirrors what I grew up with and he is amazing, like no one else I have ever met before and he reminds me of my dad.
So, no I am no longer afraid of getting married. In fact, I can't wait

 

[BillsBackerz67]

nope not anymore. now children? thats what Im afraid of. that is a much bigger commitment IMO.

 

[ebonylocs]

I have met someone very special who's parents relationship mirrors what I grew up with and he is amazing, like no one else I have ever met before and he reminds me of my dad.

This I can also relate to, but it has a sting in its tail. Because the men I'm attracted to (dude I was talking about above is the prime example) are upstanding, solid, intelligent, responsible (yet funny) men of integrity, like my dad. And those types of men tend to be the "family man" "wife and kiddies are a priority" type. So... I guess I can't eat my cake and still have it... (Tiara, I know you don't like that one ).

 

[tiara76]

This I can also relate to, but it has a sting in its tail. Because the men I'm attracted to (dude I was talking about above is the prime example) are upstanding, solid, intelligent, responsible (yet funny) men of integrity, like my dad. And those types of men tend to be the "family man" "wife and kiddies are a priority" type. So... I guess I can't eat my cake and still have it... (Tiara, I know you don't like that one ).

lol yea i think I chalked up my puzzlement to that saying to being I must just want it all....dawg.....

or

either I just really like cake and the idea of not being able to eat it must bother me

the guy you just described sounds like my first love...he was that dude...I still list him #1 on the list of great guys....back then I really knew that I was on the verge of flying when he was on the verge of settling down, so I knew in my heart I didn't want what he wanted...I def didn't handle things to well in that situation which helped me better in the situation where I did run across my ex who I felt I could settle down with.... he's younger than me he felt like my mirror... everything he is/was feeling was everything I was feeling when others wanted to tie it down with me so it was very easy to understand his own fears and issues and allow him to be to find out who he is and where he wants to be in life, because I knew it took years of experiencing myself and with others for me to even get to the point where I am now in life where I feel like i have a way better understanding of who I am and what I want, don't want, etc....and had people throughout who understood that (some who didn't ) and didn't hold it against me....so I guess its my turn.....

def was my best relationships and a major turning point in my life so even if he was a season or a reason....Im glad he was something

 

[Extremus]

Yea. I'm afraid that I'll get bored and want my single/unmarried life back
I really don't see myself being in love with someone forever.
All my yr+ relationships, I've gotta bored and wanted to explore/date someone else. I'm still young, so this may pass.