Are Racial Preferences Ever Justifiable When Dating?

[aribell]

...for believers, I mean. Lots of people have preferences that are just about what they find physically attractive. And other people (generally people of color) might say that it's important to them to marry someone of their own ethnicity or another person of color because they want to be an example to, and strengthen their own community--like many view the Obamas as an example. Or there are other reasons. But even if none of the reasons have to do with racism, I don't know if it's justifiable from a Christian perspective if we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ.

Could you tell a fellow believer in Christ that you didn't want to pursue a relationship with them because you were only interested in dating individuals of your own race/people of color?

 

[aribell]

No takers?

 

[chrstndiva]

As a believer in Christ, it is NOT okay to rule another race out, but I think it's okay to have preferences. It's okay to want someone who may share and understand your cultural experiences. Preferences are okay until they cause you to cross the line over into prejudice and racism.

An example of a non-prejudicial preference is someone who is very fit and enjoys a lot of outdoor physical activity may prefer someone who is also very fit so that they can enjoy working out, sports, outdoor activities together. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

 

[Raspberry]

I've been reflecting on Christian dating issues lately because my feelings and perceptions have changed drastically over the past couple years..

Preferences are natural.. but it's a fine line between having a preference for a type of person and refusing to consider men who fall outside of those preferences. I think God would like to stretch our thinking when it comes to the way we perceive others if we let him. A lot of us are bound by cultural norms and ingrained perceptions and thankfully God is merciful and works with us and often gives us our desires because he loves us.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalms 37:4

But what does it mean when we say God gives us our desires? I once heard someone say that God often changes the desires of our hearts to align with his will if we are willing to accept his control. I have come to know that this is true and see the fruit of this verse in a lot of areas in my life...

In the past I have only dated black men but in the past 3 year since I stopped dating non-Christian men and have been single, I realized my concept of the ideal man was based on others' expectations more than anything I had thought out. So I've had to take some time to learn and consider what constitutes an ideal man according to God, and I came to the conclusion that for me, he had to be godly and pressing towards the mark, but he didn't have to black. Thing was, I had found some non-black men attractive but didn't consider them seriously for dating in the past (especially american white men) due to me not wanting to deal with american racial baggage and barriers that come with that - plus dating black men was comfortable and what I knew.

But since I didn't want to miss out on the right man because of my ingrained thinking. I told God maybe a year ago that I am open to whatever type of man he wants to bring me, regardless of race. I didn't make the connection then, but soon after that I started noticing different types of men - I had only paid attention to the black men beforehand -at my church (I go to a large multicultural church). I started finding a particular white italian man intensely attractive; that really took me by surprise. That attraction faded but my overall tastes in men changed such that I started finding indigenous looking, Indian, Mediterranean, and Middle eastern men very attractive. Where before I thought Idris Elba was the ideal man, that changed into Mohinder from Heroes (golly he's fine ).

So early this year I believe God showed me something about my future spouse (man I wish I was better at journaling), though I didn't take it that way at the time because I thought he looked kinda raggedy I was laying in bed musing about marriage and an image came to mind of an East Indian looking man with his face turned away from me - I just knew he was from that part of the world somehow. He was standing in a computer lab and had a book bag, his clothes were simple - plain white button down shirt and slacks. I remember distinctly saying "Who is that?? " then goin to sleep and forgetting all about it.

So about a couple months ago I meet a cute Indian looking guy at the laundromat (i usually go to my mom's house but her machine was broken). We talked a little but another woman there kept hijacking the convo so we parted ways and I forgot about him. Thanksgiving weekend we're both there alone (my mom had her's fixed but I felt a strong desire to go the laundromat anyways) and start talkin - turns out he's a Christian (which is wow in itself, I never meet serious Christian men outside of church), we talk for a long while about the things of God and it was a really good vibe. I give him my card and he later calls to invite me to his church's bible study. I went and enjoyed it, it's a very small intimate church and the people were very friendly.

After seeing him there I was finally reminded of my earlier dream nad he looked just like the guy in it - same outfit and he had a bookbag and all (he's an IT grad student). He's also half Sri Lankan and half Jamaican; we've talked some more and it's clear he's full of the Word and strives to walk according to the Spirit.

Yes, I now have a crush on him lol but unlike my past attitudes I'm trying to relax and let God work it out. I can have faith regardless of whether or not this guy is the one for me, things will work out to my benefit if I listen and walk according the Spirit and don't get caught up in idolizing a relationship. I'm amazed by God's sovereignty and I've really been struck how meeting the right man has little do with my effort to be at the right events or what my hair and outfit looks like. God is in control and he will do great things if we let Him.

Thanks for letting me ramble yall.. very few people I can share this with in real life without sounding crazy

 

[aribell]

Re:

I've been reflecting on Christian dating issues lately because my feelings and perceptions have changed drastically over the past couple years..

Preferences are natural.. but it's a fine line between having a preference for a type of person and refusing to consider men who fall outside of those preferences. I think God would like to stretch our thinking when it comes to the way we perceive others if we let him. A lot of us are bound by cultural norms and ingrained perceptions and thankfully God is merciful and works with us and often gives us our desires because he loves us.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalms 37:4

But what does it mean when we say God gives us our desires? I once heard someone say that God often changes the desires of our hearts to align with his will if we are willing to accept his control. I have come to know that this is true and see the fruit of this verse in a lot of areas in my life...

In the past I have only dated black men but in the past 3 year since I stopped dating non-Christian men and have been single, I realized my concept of the ideal man was based on others' expectations more than anything I had thought out. So I've had to take some time to learn and consider what constitutes an ideal man according to God, and I came to the conclusion that for me, he had to be godly and pressing towards the mark, but he didn't have to black. Thing was, I had found some non-black men attractive but didn't consider them seriously for dating in the past (especially american white men) due to me not wanting to deal with american racial baggage and barriers that come with that - plus dating black men was comfortable and what I knew.

But since I didn't want to miss out on the right man because of my ingrained thinking. I told God maybe a year ago that I am open to whatever type of man he wants to bring me, regardless of race. I didn't make the connection then, but soon after that I started noticing different types of men - I had only paid attention to the black men beforehand -at my church (I go to a large multicultural church). I started finding a particular white italian man intensely attractive; that really took me by surprise. That attraction faded but my overall tastes in men changed such that I started finding indigenous looking, Indian, Mediterranean, and Middle eastern men very attractive. Where before I thought Idris Elba was the ideal man, that changed into Mohinder from Heroes (golly he's fine ).

So early this year I believe God showed me something about my future spouse (man I wish I was better at journaling), though I didn't take it that way at the time because I thought he looked kinda raggedy I was laying in bed musing about marriage and an image came to mind of an East Indian looking man with his face turned away from me - I just knew he was from that part of the world somehow. He was standing in a computer lab and had a book bag, his clothes were simple - plain white button down shirt and slacks. I remember distinctly saying "Who is that?? " then goin to sleep and forgetting all about it.

So about a couple months ago I meet a cute Indian looking guy at the laundromat (i usually go to my mom's house but her machine was broken). We talked a little but another woman there kept hijacking the convo so we parted ways and I forgot about him. Thanksgiving weekend we're both there alone (my mom had her's fixed but I felt a strong desire to go the laundromat anyways) and start talkin - turns out he's a Christian (which is wow in itself, I never meet serious Christian men outside of church), we talk for a long while about the things of God and it was a really good vibe. I give him my card and he later calls to invite me to his church's bible study. I went and enjoyed it, it's a very small intimate church and the people were very friendly.

After seeing him there I was finally reminded of my earlier dream nad he looked just like the guy in it - same outfit and he had a bookbag and all (he's an IT grad student). He's also half Sri Lankan and half Jamaican; we've talked some more and it's clear he's full of the Word and strives to walk according to the Spirit.

Yes, I now have a crush on him lol but unlike my past attitudes I'm trying to relax and let God work it out. I can have faith regardless of whether or not this guy is the one for me, things will work out to my benefit if I listen and walk according the Spirit and don't get caught up in idolizing a relationship. I'm amazed by God's sovereignty and I've really been struck how meeting the right man has little do with my effort to be at the right events or what my hair and outfit looks like. God is in control and he will do great things if we let Him.

Thanks for letting me ramble yall.. very few people I can share this with in real life without sounding crazy

To the purple, quite agreed. To the rest, thanks for your story! It is a nice one and sounds like it has the hand of God all over it.

It's funny because I used to not have a preference at all and definitely dated outside of my race, but feel like as I grow as a person, in Christ, and in relationships I feel more and more sure that the man I want to marry is a black man. There are various reasons, but what made me ask the question is that there is a seminary student in a fellowship group I belong to that I have a whole lot in common with, and he is a very godly man. But I realized that I was resisting the "crush" and whatever interest he might have because I've taken on this new preference.

And while people have lots of other preferences (for instance, I feel like I *need* to marry another musician), racial ones are at least the most difficult to tactfully explain should the question come up...particularly in light of the Bible's perspective.

But I think that the answer is that while we might think we know what we want or *need* in a person based on who we think we are and what our lives are going to be about, only the Lord has the final say. In the end He will be the one to show us the truth and who He has ordained us to be with, like the above story says. So, we can't let any preference become the final determinant, but we have to wait on who the Lord sends and see what He is saying about this person.

 

[divya]

Maybe for some, as it is just a preference, although racial preferences are not as sensible to me. Cultural preferences, however, are understandable to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with desiring someone who is of your cultural background because culture can affect perception, values and even lifestyle. Further, there is often a measure of familiarity and comfort etc. for both you and your family. However, the issue arises when people are exclusive and have a problem dealing with another one of God's creations or when the preference is based on prejudice, as diva mentioned.

 

[cocoberry10]

As a believer in Christ, it is NOT okay to rule another race out, but I think it's okay to have preferences. It's okay to want someone who may share and understand your cultural experiences. Preferences are okay until they cause you to cross the line over into prejudice and racism.

An example of a non-prejudicial preference is someone who is very fit and enjoys a lot of outdoor physical activity may prefer someone who is also very fit so that they can enjoy working out, sports, outdoor activities together. There is nothing wrong with that IMO.

I agree with this. Also, I think as a Christian, God is always trying to give us a heart more like HIS.

It's funny because, I no longer have racial preferences, but God has brought me a few good Black men to choose from (I still get hit on by other men). It's almost like He's showing me, stop focusing on the wrong things, and I will ultimately give you the desires of your heart

 

[golden bronze]

I think that first priority be a man that is in submission to God. Obviously he should be whom God chooses for you. God will give you what you need, not what you expect.

That said, although my primary preference is for men of color, I would not rule out anyone God sends.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

...for believers, I mean. Lots of people have preferences that are just about what they find physically attractive. And other people (generally people of color) might say that it's important to them to marry someone of their own ethnicity or another person of color because they want to be an example to, and strengthen their own community--like many view the Obamas as an example. Or there are other reasons. But even if none of the reasons have to do with racism, I don't know if it's justifiable from a Christian perspective if we are all supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ.

Could you tell a fellow believer in Christ that you didn't want to pursue a relationship with them because you were only interested in dating individuals of your own race/people of color?

That's why I think it's better to justify you wish to remain in your "culture" rather than "race." There are valid reasons for wanting to be within one's cultural heritage. But if one just specifies race, heck, we're all Americans lol. That's a tough one. I know that christian dating sites will steer one toward the same type of people racially.

 

[aribell]

That's why I think it's better to justify you wish to remain in your "culture" rather than "race." There are valid reasons for wanting to be within one's cultural heritage. But if one just specifies race, heck, we're all Americans lol. That's a tough one. I know that christian dating sites will steer one toward the same type of people racially.

We are all Americans (well, those of us that actually are) and that's actually more culturally unifying that black and white Americans generally recognize.

But I think that in the church, particularly nowadays, white people are being made to feel guilty for steering their sons and daughters away from those blacks and Hispanics, etc., and being told that they need to root out that hidden racism and embrace the fact that we are all one in Christ Jesus, in light of Galatians. But black people (can't speak for the Latino community) do the exact same thing and yet it's justified.

I think that black and white people generally have different motives for doing this, but what brought the question to mind originally was that I have many white Christian friends, male and female who I know would be confused and perhaps hurt were I to say that I didn't want to marry a white person, especially since they would never feel free to admit the same.

But I think that the key is to couch it in terms of desireing to remain within one's culture...though the Lord might always call you to something different.

 

[Duchesse]

I think it depends on ones perspective. If you are choosing to date/marry within your own race because you deem another race to be stinky/stupid/ugly/less than/inferior etc., then of course that is unjustifiable.

I think if you are choosing to remain within your race/culture because that is what you are comfortable with, desire someone who most likely shares your experience of being X in America, I don't see the problem.

I personally want to date/marry a black man (American) for the above reason. I love black America, plain and simple..the nuances and vibe that I feel amongst fellow AAs. I don't think that AAs are superior or perfect, but it is the culture that I've grown up in and when I look at my family, it makes me happy.

If God sends me a white, Filipino, Nigerian, Indian,etc.,man and if we are compatible, I'm not going to be stupid and disregard him.

 

[Tybi]

I must agree with everything Duchesse said.

Just a story to share:
I have a white guy friend who is interested in dating me. On paper he seems to be perfect. We are the same age, he has his degree, a steady job, no kids. But I have a strong desire to be with a black man. So I prayed about it, asked God if I was passing up on something good.
God told me to think about how this man made me feel when we were together. He is a nice guy, but something always seems off when I am with him. I am never comfortable, I cant relax and be myself. Usually I am checking the time and cutting it short. I am not physically, emotionally or spiritually attracted to him either. So God showed me that I was right in keeping him away, and that it is not because he isn't the black man that I was looking for, but that he is not the RIGHT man that I need.

I think that the strong desire for a black man is Gods way of preparing me for my FH, cause I was not always checking for black men eithererplexed

 

[Raspberry]

I must agree with everything Duchesse said.

Just a story to share:
I have a white guy friend who is interested in dating me. On paper he seems to be perfect. We are the same age, he has his degree, a steady job, no kids. But I have a strong desire to be with a black man. So I prayed about it, asked God if I was passing up on something good.
God told me to think about how this man made me feel when we were together. He is a nice guy, but something always seems off when I am with him. I am never comfortable, I cant relax and be myself. Usually I am checking the time and cutting it short. I am not physically, emotionally or spiritually attracted to him either. So God showed me that I was right in keeping him away, and that it is not because he isn't the black man that I was looking for, but that he is not the RIGHT man that I need.

I think that the strong desire for a black man is Gods way of preparing me for my FH, cause I was not always checking for black men eithererplexed

Interesting story.. isn't it fascinating how God can change our desires so we can embrace our destiny?

 

[divya]

There is a great story in the Bible that pertains to this issue. I would like to add the story in Acts 10.

Peter, who was a Jew, was soon going to be called to Joppa to minister to Cornelius who was an Italian. God gave Peter a vision beforehand, showing him clean and unclean meat and telling him to eat them. Peter, of course, was confused because God had already instructed what to eat and what not to eat, what was common/unclean. Yet in the vision, God told him to kill all and eat, because what God has cleansed should not be called common.

When we read on, we realize that the dream wasn't really about food but about PEOPLE. God was preparing him to go to Cornelius' home, which in those days at would have been wrong for him as a Jew because Cornelius was a Gentile. It was, when Cornelius' men called him and he went, that Peter realized what the dream was all about, and he says in verse 28:

Acts 10:28 - And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean.

And again later in the chapter:

Acts 10:34-35 Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.

------------

So if we take that message and apply it to racial preferences, what do we know about whether they are justifiable? Sure we may not look at others as unclean or common, but since God accepts all people, so we should strive to do the same. Maybe we should examine our reasoning for such. Closing ourselves off entirely to others may not be the best idea, particularly when that person is equally yoked with us. God bless ladies. Thank you for share such wonderful stories.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

I thought about this thread and am happy to have relocated it. I have a question. I married out of my "race/culture" first time around. There are several reasons I regret it but that would only come years later (the regret and reasons....long story). Do you think it would be wrong to pray that G-d send you someone from your own ethnic group...or perhaps from another that you find attractive?

 

[Shimmie]

I must agree with everything Duchesse said.

Just a story to share:
I have a white guy friend who is interested in dating me. On paper he seems to be perfect. We are the same age, he has his degree, a steady job, no kids. But I have a strong desire to be with a black man. So I prayed about it, asked God if I was passing up on something good.
God told me to think about how this man made me feel when we were together. He is a nice guy, but something always seems off when I am with him. I am never comfortable, I cant relax and be myself. Usually I am checking the time and cutting it short. I am not physically, emotionally or spiritually attracted to him either. So God showed me that I was right in keeping him away, and that it is not because he isn't the black man that I was looking for, but that he is not the RIGHT man that I need.

I think that the strong desire for a black man is Gods way of preparing me for my FH, cause I was not always checking for black men eithererplexed

This is excellent and so true, as I can attest to it from personal experience. If I am not comfortable with someone than it's best not to lead them on.

There is something else I've learned. There was a time when I held back from being 'me' (so to speak) with White men because I didn't know what they expected from me, especially in our 'conversations'. But then I learned from one of the dearest White male friends that I've ever had and that is he was there to 'know' me for me.

There were no comparisions to anyone else, especially not his race. He just wanted to know me. To this very day, we treasure each other, between us there is no 'color', just us.