Anyone ELSE scared to commit????

[Natasha009]

Hi All,

I've posted once before about my relationship so if you read that you'll probably get more details. Short story, I'm engaged to a German citizen, and I'm American. He's a terrific man, and i really truly love him. Before him I didn't WANT to love again, if that makes sense, but we fell head over heals in less than a month and have been going strong since then. He mostly comes to visit me (we met here in philly) but can only stay 3 months b/c of visa laws. I have visited him and I LOOOOVE Germany! The problem is that I can't commit! He want's to build our life in Germany, but I'm not ready to give up my life here I have a twin sister who is my bestie here, and i'm very close to my family. His parents have a successful business (how i met him) based in Germany that can't be relocated. He wants to get married in Indonesia next summer.

Anyway, I found out I could be layed off or take a demotion - I chose laid off. I am getting a very healthy severance package and unemployment, so i am going to Germany for the month of OCT to see my man. He is pressuring me to get married and commit my life because of this (since i no longer have commitments, a great job, "nothing holding me back" etc) . I don't know what to do! He's basically giving me an ultimatum, it's non- negotiable that our kids will have to be raised there and our life will be there. I love him and I love Germany, but I also love Philly and my family. I couldn't live without my family (I've tried, another looong story!). I don't know what to do, he's conceded that we can spend summers here, but to me it's bigger. I DONT want to give up my citizenship, which means I couldn't work there, but I'm very indepedent and had a GREAT career (and still could easily), so I NEED to work for me, which means i need to be here.

What should I do???? When does compromising become giving up to much???

 

[cmw45]

This is deep. I'm going to go search for your other post and come back with thoughts.

ETA:

So I searched for your post in the Realtionship Fourm and only found this one and another one in the "Are you married without the paper" thread. So most of my thoughts are going to be based on what you posted in your above post.

From what you have stated there are a lot of issues here that I think need to be individually ironed out...this is the order than I considered...

1) Love--From what you've stated, you love this man. Do you love him enough to move to Germany? If the anwser to this question is anything other than yes, then I think you need to re-evaluate the relationship. If the anwser is yes, as I suspect it is then most of the other things can be ironed out...with work.
2) Family--If you move to Germany, spending time with his family won't be a problem. You main problem is your relationship with your own family. I think at this point you have to be willing to be creative. I mean, he has already conceeded spending summers in the States; and I am assuming by summers you mean 3 months. You might also want to agree to a certain number of trips home during the year (alone and together) and maybe splitting different holidays. You living in Germany might also be a wonderful opportunity for your family to go abroad. Other great technologies like webcams mean you can talk to and see your family literally everyday.
3) Citizenship--I think maintaining U.S. Citizenship is important. Is there a reason you can't petition for dual citizenship? I mean, having spent quite a bit of time in a University whose faculty is at least 40% international, it doesn't seem like applying for a work visa in Germany should be a problem. ESPECIALLY, depending on the industry you are in and whether or not your skills are considered "transferable." I mean, it might be a pain, and mean having to reapply each year or every couple of years but if you are willing to make it work...
4) Job/Career--This is difficult to determine because I don't know what industry you are in. But if you are able to resolve the work visa issue, and are in a career in which international expeirence is beneficial, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to work from Germany. Does he have a problem with you working? Does he support you having a career?

Ultimately, I think that if you want this bad enough, you can make it work. I mean, if you love him, all of these "issues" are just fears and doubts about things that you can ultimately control. As long as you don't doubt your love for him, work it out!

Best of luck with your decision. Just remember, you are blessed to have found someone you are even considering making such a move for. *hugs*

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I can't really advise you, but if I were in the situation, I'd give it a try. Pray about it if you're religious and ask your parents/family what they think (they know you and your history best)
Then, I guess the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be married? Do you want to marry him? Where do you see yourself in five years (in your perfect world)? If you're with him in some capacity, then that might be a clue. But again, I don't know you, him, or your history. Good Luck.

 

[AstroQueen77]

You said he conceded to spending summers here...is he holding all of the cards in this relationship? It sounds like he dosen't at all want to accomodate your current lifestyle....
I'm just thinking out loud here-but I'm weary of a man telling me basically I need to give up my life for him and not put any effort into merging your life together....