Another wedding question

[CurleeDST]

OK ladies, I have a friend who is planning her wedding. The date is April 18th and she is having it in D.C. She was raised in Columbia, MD (about 20 to 30 minutes north of D.C.) and currently lives in Howard/Baltimore County as well as her parents.

She is marrying a chemical engineer who relocated from Florida to Maryland to start a life with her. He is from Florida. We were talking more about the wedding and she offerred the information that the plates are $150 each. It's all inclusive so it includes chairs, chair covers and some other things including open bar.

Well things really have changed since I got married so we continued talking and she let me know she was limiting the # of people her fiance could invite from his family b/c her family is paying for the wedding 100%. And the # she is limiting him to is less than the number of people she intends to invite from her side.

Do you think that is fair? Why or why not?

 

[Farida]

OK ladies, I have a friend who is planning her wedding. The date is April 18th and she is having it in D.C. She was raised in Columbia, MD (about 20 to 30 minutes north of D.C.) and currently lives in Howard/Baltimore County as well as her parents.

She is marrying a chemical engineer who relocated from Florida to Maryland to start a life with her. He is from Florida. We were talking more about the wedding and she offerred the information that the plates are $150 each. It's all inclusive so it includes chairs, chair covers and some other things including open bar.

Well things really have changed since I got married so we continued talking and she let me know she was limiting the # of people her fiance could invite from his family b/c her family is paying for the wedding 100%. And the # she is limiting him to is less than the number of people she intends to invite from her side.

Do you think that is fair? Why or why not?

That is not fair AT ALL! Not to mention it will cause serious drama with the in-laws.

In a marriage the mentality is what is mine is yours. You can't start off with, well this # is mine because I paid more. They should split the guest list in half.

I did that, even though I know about 10% of FH's guests will show up. I just forfeited my people even though I know I could've used more. It's compromise.

Is it she who feels that way or is her family telling her to?

 

[A.Marie]

OK ladies, I have a friend who is planning her wedding. The date is April 18th and she is having it in D.C. She was raised in Columbia, MD (about 20 to 30 minutes north of D.C.) and currently lives in Howard/Baltimore County as well as her parents.

She is marrying a chemical engineer who relocated from Florida to Maryland to start a life with her. He is from Florida. We were talking more about the wedding and she offerred the information that the plates are $150 each. It's all inclusive so it includes chairs, chair covers and some other things including open bar.

Well things really have changed since I got married so we continued talking and she let me know she was limiting the # of people her fiance could invite from his family b/c her family is paying for the wedding 100%. And the # she is limiting him to is less than the number of people she intends to invite from her side.

Do you think that is fair? Why or why not?

Your friend is about to start friction between his family, him, and herself before they even get married. She should split the guest list equally. It doesn't matter whether or not her family is paying. If the guest list is that limited, perhaps she needs to think about another location or a place that is not as exclusive. $150/plate is freakin' ridiculous.

 

[drasgrl]

I understand if money is tight but I don't think that's fair at all. It's his wedding too. Is he ok with this? If he's ok no big deal (I wouldn't be) If he's not then it's not fair but he needs to kick in some money to cover his extra relatives because it's his wedding too but he is a working adult and can afford to pay for some of it. If someone else foots the bill they have control over how things go so if he complains then he knows what he needs to do, pay for it himself.

 

[CurleeDST]

Not sure where it is originating (limiting the # of people from his side of the family) but I say if they are going all the way down to DC from Baltimore County for a wedding then they are definitely wanting to make a statement!

I think there are nice places in and around Baltimore but DC definitely has the nicer spots!

 

[reallynow]

Not fair at all.....starting off in a bad way. They should each DRAFT as list of everyone they want to invite and start cutting folks from each list as needed until they come up with a fair and all inclusive guest list. I wish I would have come to my DH with that mess.

 

[drasgrl]

Not sure where it is originating (limiting the # of people from his side of the family) but I say if they are going all the way down to DC from Baltimore County for a wedding then they are definitely wanting to make a statement!

I think there are nice places in and around Baltimore but DC definitely has the nicer spots!

All the way? Baltimore to DC is only 45 minutes it's not a long way to travel for a wedding. Maybe since his people might be coming from Florida they figure not a lot of them would travel that far but who knows what their thinking is. That sounds just selfish to me. It's saying my family is more important than your's and that's not right at all.

 

[CurleeDST]

My perspective on this and what I told her is this:

1. That isn't fair - he should be allowed to invite as many people from his side that she is from hers. If cost is an issue, back up off that $150 a plate
2. Why start out that way? He already relocated to start a life with you.
3. That's how much plates are costing now? What happened to $40 a plate? The next cheapest venue was $80 a plate? WOW!

I was still stunned about the per plate cost once she left my office! She has a staff position with the company but her mom is an Executive with the same company and her father is a retired doctor. Not M.D. When my hubby and I got married we paid CASH for everything and did not have to dig into the cash money received as gifts to pay any of the vendors. We told our planner - once the money is GONE it is GONE so spend wisely! We walked away from that reception now owing ANYONE.

I want the same for my girl which is probably why she is limiting guests but I just wish she were more equitable.


This is also the Jack and Jill crowd so I definitely believe that plays a part in this.

 

[victorious]

Well it might not be a big deal for him if he doesn't have a large family and a whole bunch of friends.

But if he does, they might have to compromise some and increase the number for his side. Maybe he/his family can chip in if her family really can't afford it.

 

[fuchsiastar]

This is also the Jack and Jill crowd so I definitely believe that plays a part in this.

Well, this might be the key that unlocks the mystery of why she feels entitled to a larger guest list than him. Most of my friends from that crowd (self included, so don't start throwing stones, my fellow boughie ladies) feel as if we have important people who have always been there at milestones of our lives, and a wedding is one of the biggies. Maybe she just has a lot of people who are expecting and waiting for her wedding to come so that they can attend. Do you think she thinks her list of people will be a bit "better than" his? Is he from the same crowd.

I have a "social" family, but I don't wanna pay for anything at my wedding. I wanna go to the courthouse and get it done, but it would cause the biggest uproar....I still might do it though

 

[MD_Lady]

OK ladies, I have a friend who is planning her wedding. The date is April 18th and she is having it in D.C. She was raised in Columbia, MD (about 20 to 30 minutes north of D.C.) and currently lives in Howard/Baltimore County as well as her parents.

She is marrying a chemical engineer who relocated from Florida to Maryland to start a life with her. He is from Florida. We were talking more about the wedding and she offerred the information that the plates are $150 each. It's all inclusive so it includes chairs, chair covers and some other things including open bar.

Well things really have changed since I got married so we continued talking and she let me know she was limiting the # of people her fiance could invite from his family b/c her family is paying for the wedding 100%. And the # she is limiting him to is less than the number of people she intends to invite from her side.

Do you think that is fair? Why or why not?

This is why I'm a firm believer in people not only paying for their own weddings, but splitting the costs between them (as my husband and I did). A bigger question (in my mind) is why are her parents paying for two working adults to get married? Giving the couple a "gift" to cover part of the expenses is one thing, but if someone's parents pay for the whole thing, that opens the door for friction (IMO).

With your friends situation being what it is, I understand the fact that her parents/family's wishes have the priority they do. I don't think that there should be a HUGE difference in invitees, but I can't say that I disagree with the disparity.

 

[sky_blu]

vivmaiko, you summed it up very well. That is NOT fair. 150 a plate? Thats crazy. But is she thinking about whats going to happen after this 150 a plate wedding affair when they have to continue with the marriage? After she banned some of his family from attending (because thats basically what she doing by not inviting them). He came all the way from FL to be with her and its like that. Crazy. Her Jack and Jill family won't be the ones in the marriage with her, he will.

 

[lizjoseph]

vivmaiko, you summed it up very well. That is NOT fair. 150 a plate? Thats crazy. But is she thinking about whats going to happen after this 150 a plate wedding affair when they have to continue with the marriage? After she banned some of his family from attending (because thats basically what she doing by not inviting them). He came all the way from FL to be with her and its like that. Crazy. Her Jack and Jill family won't be the ones in the marriage with her, he will.

ITA WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAID!! She is basically banning some of his family/friends. What a GREAT way to start off a marriage! (Insert sarcasm here) Does she not think she will have to face these people eventually and answer the question as to why they were not invited? Doesn't she realize that she is starting off on the wrong foot with his family? People have enough problems with their in laws in general, but she wants to jump start it like this? Since they are both working and this is a wedding for BOTH of them, whatever mommy and daddy can't cover, they should chip in for. (Why is it that she is relying soley on her parents paying for the whole thing and that if they can't cover it, then she/ he won't chip in?) A marriage is about sharring the burden of everything life throws your way...helping pay for the wedding so that everyone can attend is a great place to start.

And also, I put some blame on him. Granted it's tradition for the woman's family to pay, but if he's an able bodied individual, why isn't he chipping in for anything? How about having her parents pay for just the reception/ up to a certain amount of people and they (your friend and future husband) cover the rest? Did he even offer to chip in?

PS: She also needs to remember that not everyone she invites will actually be able to make it; but she needs to at least invite them.

 

[Vanity1]

*Sigh*

Sense of entitlement is always what makes weddings a hassle.

Did both the bride and groom agree to have a limit on the number he invites?

 

[ThickHair]

I understand if money is tight but I don't think that's fair at all. It's his wedding too.

If the money is tight then they obviously can't afford the affair and shoud change accordingly. Folks need to stop flossin when they have little to floss with.

 

[ThickHair]

PS: She also needs to remember that not everyone she invites will actually be able to make it; but she needs to at least invite them.{/QUOTE]

But, you have to plan as if everyone who RSVP'd will show. Some folks do RSVP and don't show, which is tacky btw.

 

[Jessica Rabbit]

Well it might not be a big deal for him if he doesn't have a large family and a whole bunch of friends.

But if he does, they might have to compromise some and increase the number for his side. Maybe he/his family can chip in if her family really can't afford it.

*Sigh*

Sense of entitlement is always what makes weddings a hassle.

Did both the bride and groom agree to have a limit on the number he invites?

I agree with these ladies. Maybe she and df have an agreement. Maybe he didn't want to invite those many people. If they don't have a problem with it, why should anybody else?

My boo boo kitty and I discussed how many each of us would want to have and his number was smaller than mine. We agreed on it and that's it. So he won't be inviting as many people as me but he is fine with that because we both know that's not what it's about. Also, his people are coming from out of town which limits his guests.

 

[lizjoseph]

If they have an agreement as to how many each can invite or if he just has less ppl that he wants to invite, that's fine. But in the OP, it said that the friend was limiting the number of guests he could invite since her parents were paying for it. My thing is if that is the mentality that's going on already, it's pretty sad.

Like some other ladies said, maybe they need to find another venue in which the future husband would be able to invite everyone he wants just like I'm sure the friend will be inviting everyone she wants.

I agree with these ladies. Maybe she and df have an agreement. Maybe he didn't want to invite those many people. If they don't have a problem with it, why should anybody else?

My boo boo kitty and I discussed how many each of us would want to have and his number was smaller than mine. We agreed on it and that's it. So he won't be inviting as many people as me but he is fine with that because we both know that's not what it's about. Also, his people are coming from out of town which limits his guests.

 

[lizjoseph]

I bolded the part from the OP where she said this. This is the part that annoys me and most of the women here.

OK ladies, I have a friend who is planning her wedding. The date is April 18th and she is having it in D.C. She was raised in Columbia, MD (about 20 to 30 minutes north of D.C.) and currently lives in Howard/Baltimore County as well as her parents.

She is marrying a chemical engineer who relocated from Florida to Maryland to start a life with her. He is from Florida. We were talking more about the wedding and she offerred the information that the plates are $150 each. It's all inclusive so it includes chairs, chair covers and some other things including open bar.

Well things really have changed since I got married so we continued talking and she let me know she was limiting the # of people her fiance could invite from his family b/c her family is paying for the wedding 100%. And the # she is limiting him to is less than the number of people she intends to invite from her side.

Do you think that is fair? Why or why not?

 

[Jessica Rabbit]

If they have an agreement as to how many each can invite or if he just has less ppl that he wants to invite, that's fine. But in the OP, it said that the friend was limiting the number of guests he could invite since her parents were paying for it. My thing is if that is the mentality that's going on already, it's pretty sad.

Like some other ladies said, maybe they need to find another venue in which the future husband would be able to invite everyone he wants just like I'm sure the friend will be inviting everyone she wants.

I bolded the part from the OP where she said this. This is the part that annoys me and most of the women here.

That still doesn't say whether he has a problem with it or not or if his family has a problem with it. He may not have a large family or a lot of them may not be able to travel to the wedding. Until we know how he feels about it, it's really a moot point. This is their day and what they want and agree upon What other people think and want is of no consequence.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

How much limiting is happening?

Is she inviting 100 people on her side and he can only invite 80-50 -20 on his?

I need numbers on both sides before I overreact. 100/80 split isn't unreasonable. 100/50 would be a problem.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

if he agreed to it, then yes it's fair... if that's the decision that they made and he hasn't made a stink about it, then i don't see how anyone else can find fault with it...

if he's feeling all slighted by it, then they need to talk and work out some kind of compromise (even if it means that he or someone from his side contributes to the wedding).... i can't see sitting back and basking in someone else paying for the whole wedding but then getting mad about the amount of people that i can invite when i'm not contributing...

but again, if they've agreed to it and noone's mad, then it's a very fair situation...

 

[Ms Red]

No, I don't think it's fair at all. You are placing more value on the family who contributes more monetarily to the wedding (which is traditional). Not a good way to start off, in my opinion.

If I were in the situation, I would have:

1) Lowered the per plate cost, which would free up my guest list considerably
2) Not invited as many of *my* guests, to make it fair and fiscally responsible
3) Changed venues/plans: April 2009 is not far from now in terms of wedding planning, but this constitutes a change in plans, IMO. If I were him I would feel hurt and slighted.

Ps. I think $150 per plate is ridiculous. All inclusive or not. Guess I'll have a destination wedding or very private affair when the time comes

 

[SqrpioQutie]

here's a question to everyone who's all up in arms in regards to the "fairness" issue... how can you judge whether or not the situation itself is fair to both parties if you don't know both sides to the story?

 

[Mortons]

here's a question to everyone who's all up in arms in regards to the "fairness" issue... how can you judge whether or not the situation itself is fair to both parties if you don't know both sides to the story?

I agree. For all we know he is cool with the stipulation.

 

[CurleeDST]

In my opinion if he is cool with it or not cool with it is irrelevant as to whether it is fair imho. I do not think it is equitable and the rationale for imposing it doesn't make sense to me. If you are going to use your wedding to FLOSS then FLOSS and not cut corners. Invite everyone on your A and B lists and keep it moving.

 

[SqrpioQutie]

In my opinion if he is cool with it or not cool with it is irrelevant as to whether it is fair imho. I do not think it is equitable and the rationale for imposing it doesn't make sense to me. If you are going to use your wedding to FLOSS then FLOSS and not cut corners. Invite everyone on your A and B lists and keep it moving.

that's all well and good and i can appreciate the fact since you actually know the people in question, you may have a more well-rounded opinion than the rest of us... BUT, it is never a given that fairness is the same as equitable...

imo, fairness isn't black and white and really isn't for outsiders who don't know the whole situation to determine... without both sides, they'll always get a skewed version of events... and whether you think his (or her, for that matter) feelings are relevant, i'm sure they played a part in the final determination when it came to inviting people to their wedding...

 

[CurleeDST]

Fairness = equitable is synonymous in my definition of the terms and to dictate to your fiance the limit of how many people they are able to invite to THEIR SPECIAL DAY is unfair.