Am I ready?

[Fine 4s]

I have so many questions...

Having one of my many convos about relationships and one of my male bff says: "At some point in a relationship all women will have an issue with another woman." Is this true for you? For those married or even in relationships for a long time (1+ years), have you ever had to question the presence of another woman? I find myself doing that because fundamentally, I don't believe men and women can TRULY be JUST friends. As much as I'd like to, I don't believe that it's 100% innocent.

I have trouble believing that my SO and I can be together for years and years and years without him cheating on me! Perhaps it's because I know he's cheated on his ex IDK. I've cheated in the past too so is it hypocritical of me to judge him but yet excuse myself? Why am I in a relationship if I don't believe that a) his female friends are innocent friends and b) why be in a relationship if I think it's just a matter of time before he cheats?

All this makes me wonder if I'm just not ready or if he's just not the one to bring me that peace of mind. This same bff has also said hat it's highly unrealistic to think that he will not make any new female friends just because he's in a relationship. My question is, what's the point of making new female friends? Again, at the root of this is that I don't believe they can truly be friends or that the intentions are pure. If the friendship is not due to work etc. then why would he meet someone socially, get her number of give his number for friendship? How many men do you know want to make new female friends? If this is what I'm suppose to accept then...am I really ready for this? Or is he the one? I don't want to invest much more time if I keep feeling this way.

 

[Ganjababy]

Since I have been with my DH (13 years) he has not had any new female friends. I have made friends with a few guys but they are all gay, so they are more like girlfriends. I don't know if this was deliberate or not.

I guess making friends with the opposite sex is not something that is important to us since we have been together.......

 

[Bublin]

I can see a guy making new aquaintances ie through work. But new female friends popping up whilst in a relationship would make me think that something is up.

For me any guy that i meet outside of a work setting is because he point blank fancies me. Even at work some guys have become too familiar ie 'lets go out for a drink as friends'....what, like without the rest of the team, like just the two of us???? Nah, I know what that means AND i know you have a woman. Friends my backside.

 

[Fine 4s]

I hear you loud and clear. But that seems also like being in a relationship is very limiting then no? Can't it also come of a little presumptious to assume that if a guy wants to get to know you or hang out with you that he automatically likes you?

I like clear cut things, I don't like grey areas much and well life has a lot of these lol....

 

[Bublin]

I hear you loud and clear. But that seems also like being in a relationship is very limiting then no? Can't it also come of a little presumptious to assume that if a guy wants to get to know you or hang out with you that he automatically likes you?

I like clear cut things, I don't like grey areas much and well life has a lot of these lol....

I know what you're saying. OK so I'm out say, in a winebar, function, in the street, whatever and a guy approaches, my guess is he doesn't want to be my friend so he can talk about Eastenders or X Factor or hear about my dating escapades when he calls. He sees something he likes and is using the 'friends' line. Guys do that all the time when they already have a girlfriend and/or want something casual. It's pitifull.

If a guy makes a female friend whilst in a relationship with you is he actually going to treat her like a 'proper friend' and say, invite her around for dinner and the three of you have a chat over your lasagne and red wine and then you all sit down and watch tv together?
'How' are they friends exactly? When do they 'see' each other?

OK I got carried away.....but that's why guys tend to drop female friends when they get into a serious relationship because they were never actual friends in the first place.

 

[Fine 4s]

LOL it...cuz they weren't actually friends anyway!!!!

 

[chocolat79]

My take on it is that men and women CAN be friends, BUT, there has had to have been some attraction by either or both parties at some point in time and that has to have already been dealt with or shut down immediately if you're in a relationship. I don't think anyone in a serious relationship should be making NEW friends in a relationship. The old ones they can keep.

Ex. When my SO and I first got together, his best female friend professed her love for him. They had been friends for YEARS before I came along, but something made her actually come out and say I love you, although they had tried briefly to date in the past and he didn't like her like that. Anyway, he immediately shut it down and it wasn't a problem.

I don't believe that you need any NEW friends of the opposite sex if you're in a relationship unless it's for business. Any friends SO and I make now, will be friends of OURS, not mine or his exclusively, if they're opposite sex.

I don't think that's limiting to not have new friends. What do I need with another new guy friend if my SO is supposed to be that person? How does that work? If you are with someone whom you can't talk to about anything, then maybe he/she is not the one for you, IMHO.

FWIW, I've made new friends at work that are guys, but although SO isn't here, they all "know" SO and know that he'll be here soon, so if we go out, we'll ALL go out.

 

[UmSumayyah]

You are perfectly justified in your doubts since he has cheated on an ex.

The question is what to do about them, can he prove to you that he will be faithful to you.

 

[Fine 4s]

^^^That's what I'm thinking. How do you prove that to someone? You know what they say, once a cheater...
ETA: Maybe I should date other people and either I'll have trust for someone else or I'll eventually trust him. I just don't know if it's HIM or if it's just ANY man. Why do I worry so?

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I would say no, the trust is not there...

 

[BonBon]

^^^That's what I'm thinking. How do you prove that to someone? You know what they say, once a cheater...
ETA: Maybe I should date other people and either I'll have trust for someone else or I'll eventually trust him. I just don't know if it's HIM or if it's just ANY man. Why do I worry so?

How old was he when he cheated? Was it more than one person? An affair, or one night stand? Did he confess, or was he found out? Has he given you any reason to doubt him since being together?

I don't think I could be with someone who had physically cheated, particularly in affairs. However, I think you should look at the circumstances to judge the situation since you are already with him. Especially since you have cheated too before and have changed?

Friends wise I don't mind old friends that he sees irregularly, but we are not making new close opposite sex friends. Now that I know your SOs history I think it's silly for him to think you would be OK with him hanging/contacting around with new and old female friends regularly

 

[carcajada]

^^^That's what I'm thinking. How do you prove that to someone? You know what they say, once a cheater...
ETA: Maybe I should date other people and either I'll have trust for someone else or I'll eventually trust him. I just don't know if it's HIM or if it's just ANY man. Why do I worry so?

I hold the opinion that you can't. It's called trust. You can build on familiarity, show that person character traits that are trustworthy, and form a strong bond, but at the end of the day it boils down to letting go and trusting what you have is real. [kanye shrug].