Am I going to hell because my mother and I don't get along? (Kinda long)

[PaperClip]

There I said it.... I kinda need to get some perspective on this and my best sisterfriend is somewhere unreachable so um... here I am....

So went to dinner at a restaurant for my dad's birthday. All fine and good.... I suppose I should have seen something coming when my mom made a remark about getting a Mother's Day card for the pastor's wife and not for my grandmother (I sorta didn't know I was going to see her on Mother's Day but I still should have had one ready... I rake responsibility for that.... gotta fix that....)

So dinner finishes and there talking and then my mom asks me about my income tax check. I said that I had been got that money back. What she was referring to was some scholarship money that I was going to use to pay my dad back for getting my car fixed ($700). I got the scholarship money back at the beginning of May and I kinda spent it catching up on various things. I knew my dad wouldn't say anything because he (and my mom) know I'm in school and they're helping me out, e.g., big car repairs. I pay for the maintenance, e.g., oil changes, full insurance, etc. So my mom just starts coming at me about it, saying that I should have at least told my dad that I wouldn't be able to pay him back right away and I fully admit to this and I say that I'm glad she said this in my dad's presence because if had been just me and her, she would have been close to cussing me out about it....

So the conversation escalates in the restaurant (but again, not too loud because my mom is a lady and she raised me to be a lady so not to embarrass ourselves ) and she starts saying I'm guilty and she has "great intuitive powers" and I say I'm not guilty I'm angry for being accused of being deceptive. Then she starts talking about who I put in front of them (e.g., church pastors) esp. since they are helping me through school and I say I don't put anyone in front of them and then she says that she knows I put money in the Mother's Day card for the pastor's wife and so I said that I spent more money on her (my mother) for Mother's Day and put the receipt in the card to prove it. And so she said that the Mother's Day card for the pastor's wife should have gone to my dad to pay him back. I put $10 in the Mother's Day card for the pastor's wife. The pastor's wife has been in my life for almost 20 years and at times, has been more than a mom to me and I knew I was gonna see her on Mother's Day. And on top of that, I didn't put any money in my dad's card because I was gonna get him something next week when I get paid. Yes, I could have managed my money better and thought ahead. I simply didn't do that and I take responsibility for that. She also said that if I had not paid for the car when I said I would, they would have come to repossess it. I said that I don't own the car (my dad bought it for me. It is in his name). It always comes back to that.

Then my mom says that she has to speak up for her husband (my father) because he's a good guy and he's mine. When she said that ("He's mine"), I mean what do you say to that? So that's when my dad basically said to my mom "let's go" and they got up and left. I'm not trying to compete with my mom for my dad's attention. I started saying that I am not trying to take attention and that I'm sorry I was born (yeah, I can get dramatic sometimes!). After they left I just sat in the booth crying. I was too hurt to be embarrassed.

As my mom and I are going back and forth, my dad is sitting there with this blank expression on his face (this is usually the pattern). I also know that I'm a daddy's girl and I can ask my dad for anything and he'll do it for me if it is in his power. I am his only daughter. I'm not perfect, but I've never had a pregnancy scare. They never had to come bail me out of jail. I live in my own apartment by myself. Never been on drugs. Never been with a bunch of men (how about none?). Never embarrassed them or brought shame to the family name. I'm going to school getting a DOCTORATE. The FIRST DOCTOR in my family. All glory to the Lord Jesus Christ for that. But does this mean anything to my mom?

Again, this is not the first time that this line of argument has occurred. It's the SAME PATTERN.

 

[smitmarv]

No you are not going to hell if you have called upon the Jesus to be the Lord of your life. You just need to make sure that you forgive your mother from your heart. You will need to forgive her though out your life just like Jesus forgives us though out our lives. Try not to do anything that will get in between the the two of you. If borrowing money form your dad will upset her if you don't pay it back right away, then don't do it, even if your dad is willing.

Some people think that in order to honor your parents you have to do everything they want. Sometime it just comes down to knowing that you will not dishonor your parents if you live an honorable life, even if they don't appreciate it. Live your life right and God will see it and know that you have honored your parents. Many people are going though similar things.

God Bless you dear.

 

[mrsmeredith]

NO youre not going to hell for this but please fix it. You already know where the fault lies ...YOU. Take respondsibility for your actions and stop making excuses. Your mom maybe is feeling that you are taking advantage of the situation. For me, what would have blown it was when you were suppose to repay a debt and didnt plus didnt call and ask for an extension to see if your father really needed it. Again, Make amends, apologize to your parents because you are in the wrong and Release whatever hostility you have against your mother and pray that GOD removes all anger and offfense from both of you.

 

[mrselle]

I do think you should have told your dad that you couldn't pay him back when you thought you could and would it be ok if you paid him back later or maybe in installments. That would have been the mature thing to do. Your relationship with your parents sounds very similar to mine, so I kind of understand how you feel. You probably feel as though you are doing the very best you can, but your mother is still beating up on you for not doing more...am I right? I suspect that your mother may be feeling a bit jealous of you and the relationship you have with your dad. What is her relationship like with her own parents? That may give you some insight into why she treats you the way she does.

Some people think that in order to honor your parents you have to do everything they want. Sometime it just comes down to knowing that you will not dishonor your parents if you live an honorable life, even if they don't appreciate it. Live your life right and God will see it and know that you have honored your parents. Many people are going though similar things.

This is excellent advice.

 

[PaperClip]

I do think you should have told your dad that you couldn't pay him back when you thought you could and would it be ok if you paid him back later or maybe in installments. That would have been the mature thing to do. Your relationship with your parents sounds very similar to mine, so I kind of understand how you feel. You probably feel as though you are doing the very best you can, but your mother is still beating up on you for not doing more...am I right? I suspect that your mother may be feeling a bit jealous of you and the relationship you have with your dad. What is her relationship like with her own parents? That may give you some insight into why she treats you the way she does.



This is excellent advice.

Sounds like you have some insight that (still) I don't know how to articulate....

I owned up to my parents that I should have been responsible in letting my dad know that I needed more time, etc. I admitted responsibility to that. I am doing the best I can.

I posted this to the Christian Forum because I was hoping for some spiritual insight versus the basic mother-daughter relationship dynamic, esp. after my "intense" participation in the mother-daughter relationship thread on the Off Topic Forum. That particular exchange has prompted me to up my guard, if you will. And at the same time, I saw that my responses can come off as harsh, possibly even hostile, but I don't like to be talked to that way, esp. about this situation which I am very sensitive about.

So after I posted this message, I cried all night long. My eyes are so swollen and I had to come to school today. I prayed and admitted to the Lord that I cannot continue in this relationship with my mother like this. I asked Him for the strategy to avoid future outbreaks of attacks. Again, I recognize my part about the money, but things like "he's mine" have nothing to do with the money. That's an issue of territory that I as a daughter and a human being have never tried to compete with her on. I am not competing with her for my father's attention. I don't even live with them anymore (I've been out the house for nine years). I don't go places with my dad alone. When I call the house, I usually speak to both of them, unless I'm calling either one of them to ask something or answer something or get some information about something.

Her mom passed when I was two years old. My grandfather did about five years ago and apparently their relationship was not very healthy. Not like my dad and me.

 

[klb120475]

RR,
I didn't post my response immediately after reading your thread because I wanted to seek the Father on this. It is easy for us to say you should have did this, or you should have said this or that from a carnal point of view, but allow us to think outside our thoughts and let us press to think like His thoughts. Your eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, nor can you understand the type of relationship the Lord desires for you to have with your parents.

Your story is beautiful to me. I've never had a father relationship such as the one you have with your father. To know without a doubt that your are daddy's girl, that's beautiful. Nor, have I had a motherly figure such as yours ( my mom is more like a sister). While your parents are not perfect (non of us are, we all know this), it's obvious that your parents did a wonderful job raising you, it's evident in your character.

Continue to walk in love with your mother and be slow to speak so that your conduct will be pleasing to the Father. I pray that your mother's heart is softened towards your relationship with your father. Rememer that those who weep in tears, shall sow in joy. {HUGS}

Luv ya,
Klb

 

[PaperClip]

Update:

My mom called this morning to apologize for what happened. She said she was sorry that it happened on my dad's birthday and that she hoped we could be mother-daughter friends. She said she loved me. I also said that I was sorry for my behavior and that I love her too. It was a short conversation....

So I thank God.... Prayerfully this can be a new beginning....

Thank you for your prayers and responses.

 

[klb120475]

Update:

My mom called this morning to apologize for what happened. She said she was sorry that it happened on my dad's birthday and that she hoped we could be mother-daughter friends. She said she loved me. I also said that I was sorry for my behavior and that I love her too. It was a short conversation....

So I thank God.... Prayerfully this can be a new beginning....

Thank you for your prayers and responses.

Praise God!!!!

 

[Choclatcotton]

I dont know if you have ever considered it, but it kinda sounds like your mom could be a little jealous over your future sucess???

 

[PaperClip]

I dont know if you have ever considered it, but it kinda sounds like your mom could be a little jealous over your future sucess???

Yes...but you know how heart-breaking that is to go there? I mean your mom is supposed to be your go-to girl, you know? Out of all the (trifling) females on the planet, your mom, the one who carried you for nine months, is supposed to be the one to protect you, even when the rest of the world kicks you in the stomach...but sometimes it feels like she's kicking me right along with everybody else.

I just don't feel emotionally and sometimes physically safe around her. I feel so bad to even say that out loud.

 

[klb120475]

Yes...but you know how heart-breaking that is to go there? I mean your mom is supposed to be your go-to girl, you know? Out of all the (trifling) females on the planet, your mom, the one who carried you for nine months, is supposed to be the one to protect you, even when the rest of the world kicks you in the stomach...but sometimes it feels like she's kicking me right along with everybody else.

I just don't feel emotionally and sometimes physically safe around her. I feel so bad to even say that out loud.

Don't feel bad. Like I said I'm disappointed my mom and I don't have a mother/daughter relationship. I've always craved a mother figure in my life and look to others (spiritual mothers in the church) to fill that void. My mom is the type of mom where if I calledl her seeking advice on an issue..her response will be "Mmm,hmmm, girl, I don't know what you gon' do"erplexed .

I'm the oldest of 2 sisters and I feel like I've raised them and my mom. I'm sorry, this thread is about you.

 

[dreamer26]

Update:

My mom called this morning to apologize for what happened. She said she was sorry that it happened on my dad's birthday and that she hoped we could be mother-daughter friends. She said she loved me. I also said that I was sorry for my behavior and that I love her too. It was a short conversation....

So I thank God.... Prayerfully this can be a new beginning....

Thank you for your prayers and responses.

I'm glad to read this, but be encouraged because sometimes our greatest battles comes from the ones we love the most.

One thing I came to realize after talking to many many women about their issues is that when you have a destiny and a purpose to fullfill depending on what you need to fulfill it God will give you certain type of parents or allow you to grow up in certain situations. What I mean is

If you are to be a nurturer, God may allow you to grow up in a loving and safe environment, will loving parents, so you'll be able to ministry out of that experience.

If you grow up in hostile territory or if you've abused or raped or had some trauma. If you allow God to heal your pain and hurt he's preparing you for a more tougher ministry "if you will".

If you've been brought up in that safe environment chances are you will not be sent in to ministry to the drug addicts and thieves.

So sometimes what you go through even with our parents is preparing you for you greater calling, destiny and purpose.

Seek God for his will and guidance so whatever you need to learn from this you can and whatever you need to give to your mother for her growth you'll be able to deposit it in her as well.

Be blessed.



I would like to add have you tried telling her something like,
"Mom, I'm getting this degree for me and for you.

 

[deltagyrl]

I'm glad she apologized. My parents have never apologized to me for anthing.......EVER.

Even if the two of you never become the best of friends please don't allow your mother to continuously hurt you simply because she is your mother. DNA does not give her the right to mistreat/disrespect you.....Please hear and understand that.

 

[firecracker]

I'm not perfect, but I've never had a pregnancy scare. They never had to come bail me out of jail. I live in my own apartment by myself. Never been on drugs. Never been with a bunch of men (how about none?). Never embarrassed them or brought shame to the family name. I'm going to school getting a DOCTORATE. The FIRST DOCTOR in my family. All glory to the Lord Jesus Christ for that. But does this mean anything to my mom?

Again, this is not the first time that this line of argument has occurred. It's the SAME PATTERN.

The bolded sounds alot like what that sense of entitlement demon woman child of mind said when I stepped to her about her gpa plunging and her taking my kindness for a weakness. The demon woman child was only 19 when she said that mess as if she was doing me a favor by not being all of the above and getting herself an education for which I was paying by the way. ha

I am not mad at your mom for saying something about the money. If your father was silent then he is giving her tacit consent to represent for him. You should have paid your Dad back the money no matter what because your a adult or at least ask him could you pay him later.
I understand your need to borrow due to an emergency as you didn't have the funds to cover the car repair but your actions were wrong after you got the money. Its still your fathers money weather or not you feel he has it like that and doesn't really need his money as bad as another adult/you.

It sorta sounds like your trying to capitalize off being Daddy's only girl at a very late age in life. You know everything comes with a price after adulthood.

Your not going to hell but it sounds like your Mom may feel slighted by all the praise and attention your giving to the first lady as if she they loaned you the 700$. Take care.

 

[firecracker]

Ok I read the rest of the thread. Maybe your mom is ready for you to be totally independent and it comes off as jealousy because your Dad is helping you kinda far into adulthood.

I hope you guys can have a better relationship after this exchange.
At least your Mom was woman enough to call apologize and try to make amends. My Mother would try to buy you instead

 

[PaperClip]

Ok I read the rest of the thread. Maybe your mom is ready for you to be totally independent and it comes off as jealousy because your Dad is helping you kinda far into adulthood.

I hope you guys can have a better relationship after this exchange.
At least your Mom was woman enough to call apologize and try to make amends. My Mother would try to buy you instead

Hey, Firecracker....

I'm sure that my rant about being the perfect daughter could be interpreted in various ways. My point for saying that was that just like on a job, where there are goals and expectations and a person is expected to meet them, so it is with parents who have goals and objectives for their children and I met the ones my parents set for me growing up as I outlined them above.

As far as being independent, I have lived on my own for 10 years, and I was grown when I finally left home and she fussed/cussed me out for moving out on my own (still not sure why) but as it is probably known, two (grown) women can't share one bathroom and I witnessed the "Queen Bee" syndrome in full effect. She's the queen bee (rightfully so). I have never asked them for help to pay my rent.

I had two layoffs in six years (in both instances, the departments were eliminated so err'body got laid off, not just me! ). After the second layoff and the option to return to school full-time was considered, I talked to them about it to consider their opinions (as part of the honoring your parents thing) and they said they would help me and support me (across the board, including financially). Since I had full scholarships that covered tuition, rent, books, etc., that was taken care of. I did not ask them for anything specific concerning their help. This help has turned into a few dollars so often for gas, and certain emergencies when I just didn't have it. Oh, I drove the SAME car for 9 and a half years and carried full insurance on it (I paid it). So the issue with the car came up last year when my car FINALLY broke down and had to decide to let it go. I would not have been able to get a car on my own financially (I have good credit, but the monthly payments, etc.). They so graciously bought me a used car (I pay for full car insurance) and it runs well but as used cars go, things happen. As I explained before, I didn't expect the car repairs to cost so much money. I had other plans/necessities to take care of for those dollars.

I'm working on a payment plan to give the money back to my dad. But just the other day when I went over there he gave me some money...right in front of my mom. I asked him what it was for and he just looked at me (and yes, I needed it).

 

[Shimmie]

If you are, then I'll be there with you...

I love my mom but she drives all of us 'nuts'....

I'll give you a list later....too much to tell. But I love her.

I will say this. satan will always try to bring discord with family and loved ones. Why? Who else in our lives can trigger our emotions more than those we are closest to? With others there is no trigger to pull, for we do not care as much.

So no, you're not going to hell and neither am I...

unless I choke her....

I love my mom and I know you love your mama too and always will. That's what keeps us out of hell...'love.'