Am I asking too much? JOB OR ME?

[Innocent_Kiss]

My boyfriend and I will be a year next month. He got a full time job a month after I met him, and he's been working there since. We were both happy because right when I met him, he had just got fired from his previous job. With his full time schedule, we're only able to see each other Fridays and Saturdays. It's been a challenge for both of us because he does have a life outside of me, and to smush everything in those two days and maintain our relationship has definitely been a challenge. About 6 months later, in October - Sweetest Day to be, exact - I started to feel discontent with only being able to see him weekends. I'm a full time pre-law student, dancer, I work part time, and I'm working to launch my own vending business. I have a lot of stress, and I need him! Him, on the other hand, his only obligation is work. He has no bills, he gives his grandmother a little something for living with her, no car, no real financial obligations that's keeping him confined to his job. We're in a serious relationship and plan on marriage. Love come and goes, and realistically, I feel that even if our relationship is seasonal, I still want him to have bigger goals for himself - especially with the possibility of marriage, a child, etc Anyway, he refuses to operate beyond his job. School, network marketing, a trade, SOMETHING! I offered him my full support in pursuing something else, but he remains stagnant. At this point, I feel that he's not only holding himself back, but simultaneously putting stress on me and holding me back. We've been going through a difficult time for the past few months. I feel that he's selfish, I feel unappreciated, I don't feel like we have enough quality time to commit to our relationship, and I don't feel like he's there for me. All of our problems stem from his job. We got into an argument last night and I told him today that he needs to make a decision. I'd rather us go our seperate ways and be happy, than to be together and be miserable. I'm not asking him to quit his job Monday, but I am asking him to create goals and make a realistic time frame of his goals. I told him to do that, or leave me alone. Am I asking too much?

 

[poetist]

My boyfriend and I will be a year next month. He got a full time job a month after I met him, and he's been working there since. We were both happy because right when I met him, he had just got fired from his previous job. With his full time schedule, we're only able to see each other Fridays and Saturdays. It's been a challenge for both of us because he does have a life outside of me, and to smush everything in those two days and maintain our relationship has definitely been a challenge. About 6 months later, in October - Sweetest Day to be, exact - I started to feel discontent with only being able to see him weekends. I'm a full time pre-law student, dancer, I work part time, and I'm working to launch my own vending business. I have a lot of stress, and I need him! Him, on the other hand, his only obligation is work. He has no bills, he gives his grandmother a little something for living with her, no car, no real financial obligations that's keeping him confined to his job. We're in a serious relationship and plan on marriage. Love come and goes, and realistically, I feel that even if our relationship is seasonal, I still want him to have bigger goals for himself - especially with the possibility of marriage, a child, etc Anyway, he refuses to operate beyond his job. School, network marketing, a trade, SOMETHING! I offered him my full support in pursuing something else, but he remains stagnant. At this point, I feel that he's not only holding himself back, but simultaneously putting stress on me and holding me back. We've been going through a difficult time for the past few months. I feel that he's selfish, I feel unappreciated, I don't feel like we have enough quality time to commit to our relationship, and I don't feel like he's there for me. All of our problems stem from his job. We got into an argument last night and I told him today that he needs to make a decision. I'd rather us go our seperate ways and be happy, than to be together and be miserable. I'm not asking him to quit his job Monday, but I am asking him to create goals and make a realistic time frame of his goals. I told him to do that, or leave me alone. Am I asking too much?

So is this a dead end, non skilled job? How old is he? Has he finished college?

From what I've read, it seems like you want someone who has more long term goals. I think thats a good idea. However, its seems like he is content and Im not sure that your ultimatum will inspire him otherwise. His loss, not yours.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

He's 21 and he's a cook. He's been working as a cook since he was 16. No, he didn't finish college, and does not have plans to... well, the traditional careers, anyway (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc) Which I'm actually content with. I love school and I'm taking a break this semester. It's not for everyone, but I still want him to pursue other things. Entreprenuership, direct marketing, a degree in culinary arts..something. You're right, though. If he can't compromise, I can't do it.

 

[Keen]

He's 21 and he's a cook. He's been working as a cook since he was 16. No, he didn't finish college, and does not have plans to... well, the traditional careers, anyway (doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc) Which I'm actually content with. I love school and I'm taking a break this semester. It's not for everyone, but I still want him to pursue other things. Entreprenuership, direct marketing, a degree in culinary arts..something. You're right, though. If he can't compromise, I can't do it.

I see some compatibility issues here. This guy is content to be a cook. You are about to be an attorney. It seem as if you want someone that's reaching for the same standards as you are. I'd say you have to accept him as he is. If he start going to school or persuing other other ambitions just to keep you around, this will only work in the short term. You need mutual compatibility to sustain a long term relationship.

 

[drasgrl]

This has nothing to do with his job. You're not satisfied for other reasons. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants. You can't change him and make him have ambitions. You need to decide if you can accept him as he is, wait around to see if he'll change or look for someone who has the same goals you do.

 

[MizzBrown]

This has nothing to do with his job. You're not satisfied for other reasons. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants. You can't change him and make him have ambitions. You need to decide if you can accept him as he is, wait around to see if he'll change or look for someone who has the same goals you do.

I agree. You KNEW he was a cook when you met him. I had the same problem with my EX. I broke up with him and he is being a little more ambitious and that's good...for HIM. Not me. You can't change a man.

Also, maybe its YOU that's making him feel so "content". I bet if YOU were out of the picture and yall mutually broke up, he would find someone else, and 8 months later he has a new girlfriend, new apartment and is enrolled in Culinary school AND is head chef at a nice restaurant.

Then you'd want him back right? Leave him alone. You knew what u were getting into. Don't complain about what you permitted anyway.

And you shouldnt put time periods/goal achievements on OTHER people. It's not your life. He may have a plan but its not in YOUR time frame..That's all.

You leave him because you think he needs more "goals" and i bet he'll reach his goals before you do and you'll be kicking yourself later because he's more "successful" than you are.

So obviously, I think you are asking too much and he should pick his JOB.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Am I not accepting him for who he is? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm really serious. I'm not trying to make him who I want him to be. Initially, I was and I admit that. But he has great qualities (good work ethic, networking, morals, etc) and he tells me all the time that he wants to do more in his life. On the other hand, he has no financial support from anyone and uses his living expenses to justify his slow progress. I don't think I'm trying to make him into someone he's not, I'm just trying to help him blossom the qualities, interest, and skills that he already has. Talk to me ladies! Am I in denial? LOL

 

[Farida]

I'm a little confused.

You say you want a man with goals - and that's fine.

You also complain about only getting to see him on the weekends. Do you realize if he had other goals you'd get to see him less and less?

Also, once you get into law school you will barely see him because you'll be so busy.

Dating is about getting to know if someone is a match. You can't change a man. If he wants to be a cook forever and you don't like that, then you need to let him go.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

I agree. You KNEW he was a cook when you met him. I had the same problem with my EX. I broke up with him and he is being a little more ambitious and that's good...for HIM. Not me. You can't change a man.

Also, maybe its YOU that's making him feel so "content". I bet if YOU were out of the picture and yall mutually broke up, he would find someone else, and 8 months later he has a new girlfriend, new apartment and is enrolled in Culinary school AND is head chef at a nice restaurant.

Then you'd want him back right? Leave him alone. You knew what u were getting into. Don't complain about what you permitted anyway.

And you shouldnt put time periods/goal achievements on OTHER people. It's not your life. He may have a plan but its not in YOUR time frame..That's all.

You leave him because you think he needs more "goals" and i bet he'll reach his goals before you do and you'll be kicking yourself later because he's more "successful" than you are.

So obviously, I think you are asking too much and he should pick his JOB.

I don't understand, how am I making him feel content? And yes, I knew he was a cook when I met him, I have no problem with his occupation, the problem arised when I realized he had no plan to navigate to something more. You're right, I didn't realize I was putting a time frame on his goals. I do appreciate the criticism!

 

[drasgrl]

I don't understand, how am I making him feel content? And yes, I knew he was a cook when I met him, I have no problem with his occupation, the problem arised when I realized he had no plan to navigate to something more. You're right, I didn't realize I was putting a time frame on his goals. I do appreciate the criticism!

But you're not ok with that so what are you going to do?

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

But you're not ok with that so what are you going to do?

I don't know. I've realized how significant compromise is in relationships. I just don't know where to compromise. So, I let him operate in his own time frame - which I initially didn't realize I was taking from him. How does he compromise on his end? And what about my own personal needs that must go unattended because of his work hour commitment? I know this is something we must decide, but what do you ladies suggest?

 

[Lady Esquire]

Compacting your relationship into 2 days per week, is this bothering him as well?

You say all of your problems stem from his job, but if he had a better job/career, would it really eliminate the most significant issues in the relationship?

I do not fault you for having standards for yourself, and for setting a criteria for what you want in a man, his career, and your time as a couple. I understand that. But it sounds like there is much more going on here than his job.

If he were to go to culinary school, and become an executive chef, he'd be making more money, sure.........but my father is an executive chef, I know that he works extremely long hours, nights, weekends, holidays... So the "time restraint" issues would still be there in your relationship, if not worse.

The point that I am making is, if you are scared to end up with a man with a low-paying, dead-end job, living at home with grandma, with no financial goals or ambition...then bounce now, rightfully so. But do not romanticize schooling as being the sole reason or as if it will cure everything, because a lot of your current issues will remain, whether he has ambition or not.

Outside of finances, a new career will not resolve some of your core issues: whether he is there for you when you need him, companionship, emotional support, responsibility, growth...those things are not automatic when someone carves out career goals.

If you feel he has potential, and he is worth the wait, then that is a question that ONLY YOU can answer. But do not feel bad for asking such questions, because you deserve more.

 

[Lady Esquire]

Edited duplicate post:

There is a line between compromise, which is normal and then there is settling. Only you can know which one your current predicament falls under.

 

[Glitter]

Wow. Yes, you are asking too much.

You are asking this young man to give up a comfortable situation which provides him financial security for a girl. If the script was flipped and he asked you to give up school for him, would you say yes? I didn't think so. Everyone on this board would be up in arms if you did. Goals and occupational objectives are not planned overnight so don't expect him to suddenly change for anybody - I would question him even more if he did.

Also, you've been dating for only about a year and you guys are really young. He's 21, you're prelaw which makes me assume you're an undergrad around the same age. I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions about the future. Have you gotten into any law schools? Do you have a job already lined up for yourself after law school? Focus on what you can control because there's a lot that will happen to you in a few short years. Heck, you even could meet somebody in law school and fall head over heels in love - you would have made this guy changed his life for broke.

Worry about securing your future right now and not somebody else's. I feel like the issue is not his job but different classes/outlooks on life. Once that gets to be too big of an issue, I say break it off but until then enjoy your time with him.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Yes, I think he can pursue so much more than he already is. He agrees and expresses the desire to expand,... I just don't know what's holding him back from actually doing it. The problem I have with his full time job is the TIME COMMITMENT. He works 8 hour shifts, with a 3 hour commute (there and back). I'm not demanding he change careers, or he aspire to be a top chef, I simply don't understand why he commits so many hours to something he really doesn't enjoy for the sake of living expenses when they aren't expensive at all. He could work part time cooking and dedicate his remaining time to other hings (culinary arts, direct marketing, etc are JUST examples). His excuse for finding a part time job being a chef is he doesn't want to downgrade to lower pay. So, he just needs to find a good part time position. In addition to keeping himself stagnant, I'm also catching it in our relationship because I feel that I'm not getting the quality time that I want.

*whew* I'm glad I posted, it's allowing me to articulate my feelings

 

[MochaSilk]

The ladies offered wonderful advice. I just want to add this for you to think about:

My husband had an ex-gf do that to him, try to "guide" him to his fullest potential. He's living at his fullest in his own way, on his own terms. One reason he loved being with me and eventually marrying me is because I respected him for the choices he made and didn't make - whether I agreed with him or not. I encouraged him to be himself. He still thanks me for loving HIM and not his potential.

I had/have too much going on in my life to make decisions for another adult. So do you. You might have to come to the realization that you two are on different paths. Trying to guide someone to your path in your timeframe is the perfect setting for resentment later on - on both your parts.

I don't see anything wrong with your man enjoying where he is and what he does. How many 21 year-olds do you know that have held down ONE job for longer than 3 years? I feel bigger and better things are to come for him... maybe in 2 years, maybe in 10. However, THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE. <--not yelling, just stressing a point.

If you can't fully accept him for who he is right now you may need to move on (or he'll do it for you). I've never seen a happy relationship where one person "guided" the other into a chosen field.

It's one thing to encourage a man and offer moral support, quite another to be his guidance counselor.

 

[Nola Darling]

You ladies are giving good advice. Just had to stop by and say that....

 

[firecracker]

This has nothing to do with his job. You're not satisfied for other reasons. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants. You can't change him and make him have ambitions. You need to decide if you can accept him as he is, wait around to see if he'll change or look for someone who has the same goals you do.

The bold is the truth. Either take him as he is are keep it moving!

 

[stinastina]

The ladies offered wonderful advice. I just want to add this for you to think about:

My husband had an ex-gf do that to him, try to "guide" him to his fullest potential. He's living at his fullest in his own way, on his own terms. One reason he loved being with me and eventually marrying me is because I respected him for the choices he made and didn't make - whether I agreed with him or not. I encouraged him to be himself. He still thanks me for loving HIM and not his potential.

I had/have too much going on in my life to make decisions for another adult. So do you. You might have to come to the realization that you two are on different paths. Trying to guide someone to your path in your timeframe is the perfect setting for resentment later on - on both your parts.

I don't see anything wrong with your man enjoying where he is and what he does. How many 21 year-olds do you know that have held down ONE job for longer than 3 years? I feel bigger and better things are to come for him... maybe in 2 years, maybe in 10. However, THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE. <--not yelling, just stressing a point.

If you can't fully accept him for who he is right now you may need to move on (or he'll do it for you). I've never seen a happy relationship where one person "guided" the other into a chosen field.

It's one thing to encourage a man and offer moral support, quite another to be his guidance counselor.

Excellent advice.

 

[Maynard]

You are getting some good advice.

I think you are dead wrong asking that man to quit his job, hard as it is to find one.

I cant think of a nicer way to say it.