Advice Needed: Transnational Relationships

[Amante]

Ladies,

Would you do it? If you met a man that has it all- the looks, the faith, the strength, the humility & respect, the career- would you make it work if you were in different countries?

I live and work in India and have met the most incredible man. We have been dating for a year now. But I have my plans. I am highly ambitious. I graduate with honors from a stellar university, & have done a lot of international development work. I am undergoing a post graduate fellowship in India. I have visions for a career as a scholar, to get my phd, to start my own organization one day. But for now, I have plans for graduate school, to start.

So I wanted to go to graduate school to get my MA, and I just got an admission letter. I should be excited, right?

Well, I am. And I really want to undertake this graduate program because it is phenomenal. But I also know 2 years of a LDR can probably kill a relationship. And I also know from looking at very career oriented women around me that if you don't ALSO prioritize family/ love/ marriage as much as you prioritize career goals, it is easy to wind up 20 years into your career, a VP CFO CEO of some powerful company and no romance, no work life balance to come home to. Up at 3 am checking your email, ready to take work home-- it never ends. I don't want that life. I crave balance.

I'm jumping the gun. The point is that my man lives in India but is from Qatar. I am from America and my family is there. Our lives do not naturally intersect. Our families don't even speak the same languages. Our cultures foil each other, even. But I love him. And I am sure of it.

He is so giving, loving, humble. He tells me all the time that he doesn't want to ruin my plans, that he won't stand in the way of my career. But I really want to be with him. And I am not sure how much sacrifice is reasonable to make it work. I still wanna do me.

I want to hear from you on sacrifice. My questions for you ladies....

1. Would you do/ Have you done a trans/ international relationship that would lead to marriage?
2. For how long before it led to marriage?
3. Would you give up the opportunity to go to a top school/ better job and go to a less known school/ work a less optimal job to make it work with your mate?
4. At what point would you start sacrificing/ altering your own career or educational goals/ visions to make the relationship work?
5. Would you change your plans if you are sure he is the one?
6. What is your advice to me?

Thanks for giving me this safe space to ask tough questions.

 

[FlowerHair]

I don't have any real advice for you, but I wonder do you see him as your future husband? Is he financially stable?
Will he be able to come and see you while you're in the US?
Is there any possibility to do parts or the whole MA programme in India or somewhere close by?

I believe you shouldn't let love pass you by regardless of nationality (my SO is from another country as well)... Have you discussed marriage?

 

[Amante]

Yes, we have discussed marriage. I do see him as my future hubby and me as his wife. He is still in his MA program and I am about to start mine, so finances are a point of difficulty. The only way that difficulty could be minimized is if I stay in India for another year until we can both move to Qatar. His family seems to have money, so I don't think that would be an issue. Really the issue is the visa and how to acquire one.

There are MA programmes in India, but not nearly as competitive and challenging as what I am looking for, I'm sad to say. I could do one here, but the quality is just not up to par. Teachers hardly come to class. Exams are always postponed. That would never happen at my alma mater.

Please do share your experience flower hair, I am so curious to hear How did you and your SO make it work across nations? How much did you have to sacrifice?

 

[Amante]

bumping for more advice- c'mon ladies

 

[LiftedUp]

I have never been in a ldr or as you call it a transnational relationship. I have given up small opportunities to study abroad when I was younger. Those relationships did not last and I regretted it. I gave my my last relationship to study abroad as I vowed never to allow it to happen again.

Currently, I'm working on scholarships to study abroad (masters) once more and eventually work abroad for the next 3-5 years after that. I am not in a relationship, however, if I were to start one between now and then, I am willing to leave my partner to pursue the above. I would love for him to "follow" me however, if he chooses not to, then we have the choice of having a ldr or breaking up.

Personally, I think that love transcends some obstacles so if he's willing to be faithful and wait I am willing to as well. If it is something that he doesn't want to do right now then I'm willing to let it go because it's something that I want to do right now and therefore it probably wasn't meant to be.

I also think that it is possible to meet someone at various stages in your life. Once you put it in your aura. People get married at various stages in their lives, have children at various ages and of course the option of adoption is always available. I do however realize that a lot of opportunities open to me at my age right now won't be open to me when I get older therefore I'm taking it now and I'm willing to put marriage and starting a family on hold for it. It's up to you on what you want to do and what you are willing to live with.

As I end my long winded post lol, I would like to extend my congratulations to you on all you achievements!

 

[aribell]

I want to hear from you on sacrifice. My questions for you ladies....

1. Would you do/ Have you done a trans/ international relationship that would lead to marriage?
I have not been in this situation. I would probably do it, but only with a specific endpoint in mind.

3. Would you give up the opportunity to go to a top school/ better job and go to a less known school/ work a less optimal job to make it work with your mate?
Yes.

4. At what point would you start sacrificing/ altering your own career or educational goals/ visions to make the relationship work?
IMO, this is something that you have to decide beforehand as a matter of your own personal priorities. It's a question of what, at the end of the day, is going to be most important to you to have. For me, I would start altering my career/educational goals once they began interfering with my ability to settle down with someone I saw real potential with.

5. Would you change your plans if you are sure he is the one?
Definitely.

6. What is your advice to me?
Decide first whether he really is the man you want to be your husband. Then figure out what it will take to make that relationship work, and then do it. I honestly understand to my core your perspective, the ambition and the ability to see that come to fruition. But I think that you know you aren't going to be fulfilled by that ambition, as accomplished as you may end up becoming. Sometimes it's easy to start thinking all or nothing. There are multiple ways to skin a cat and I'm sure that there's some way you will be able to do great things in this life while still making this relationship/future marriage your number one priority.

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[Katherina]

I want to hear from you on sacrifice. My questions for you ladies....

1. Would you do/ Have you done a trans/ international relationship that would lead to marriage?

Not transnational but I have done LDR of >2000mi distance in the US.

2. For how long before it led to marriage?

It would depend on how frequently we'd be seeing each other and how often we'd be in communication. If we were to see each other less than once every 4 months for longer than a year period, I foresee a problem. That of course depends on schedules and budgets. My LDR ex and I usually saw each other once per month and we were apart for 2.3 years - we broke up for a reason other than distance. If we were not communicating several times per week I could not do it. It also depends on the personality of my partner.

3. Would you give up the opportunity to go to a top school/ better job and go to a less known school/ work a less optimal job to make it work with your mate?

If I had been with the guy for two years and I knew that we were a match I would not turn down the opportunity because LDR aren't much of a problem for me (again, depends on how frequently you'll be in contact through phone/video and in person). I did date a guy who didn't want me to study abroad. He was kinda and I don't like to be controlled so if the guy were insisting that he'd break up with me if I did my own thing, I wouldn't stay with him.

4. At what point would you start sacrificing/ altering your own career or educational goals/ visions to make the relationship work?

I'll always have me, but men come and go, so my happiness and security are the most important things to me, not a man. However, if I have a good thing (man/ friend), I won't let him go.

I would consider sacrificing my own career if we were engaged and I could tell that he would have the finances to support us if my career plans were altered.

If he were a man of his word and sincere about me.

If he were not just trying to get a green card from me .

If he were not controlling.

5. Would you change your plans if you are sure he is the one?

I don't believe you can ever be sure in life. Sorry...

6. What is your advice to me?

I don't have any advice to you because I don't know you. What are your priorities? Not just man vs. career, but other things as well, like your values, dreams, and goals. Who do you see that is living the life of your dreams? What was his/her life path? You must do some introspection about your relationship and yourself. Then you must make a decision based on what you feel is best.

 

[Mariela73]

If you do alter your plans and settle for less careerwise, can you see yourself resenting him into the future? On the other hand, if you don't compromise and lose him, will you always wonder what could have been? Like another poster said find a way to have both no matter how difficult it is at first, otherwise you will have regrets either way. Better to have tried and failed (not that I think you will. If you're truly committed to both you will not fail) than to have regrets.
Also, something to consider...dating and long distance is ok but if he's the one and you were engaged or married that would bring a much higher level of commitment to make it work. At least it did for me. In my long distance relationship, my whole mindset changed when we got engaged and even more so when we got married. I felt compelled to make it work and not take the easy way out.

 

[Amante]

bump

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Don't do it. Don't you dare put your dreams of this M.A. program on ice or settle for a lesser program just for a man. Of all the things you could regret, that's a very likely scenario to end badly.