Advice needed on how to handle this situation at work

[Nelli04]

Vent.

So I was called an 'oreo' today by someone who is not black, nor are they white. (This same guy also continuously is trying to ask me out to dinner, even though I continue to turn him down)

This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves and I just don't know how to approach the situation.

This guy happens to be my coworker that I work closely with 5 days a week. Ever since I started this job last month he has said slick remarks about me being 'white washed' and I told him countless times not to talk to me like that or refer to me in that manner.

But today he just took it to another level. I was having a conversation with him and another coworker (she happened to be black as well). We were discussing how we were getting a new black associate, and how she would start working tomorrow.

So my coworker says 'so there will be four of us' and I say 'yup four of us, we're coming up!' So he looks at me and says 'but you don't count, you're an oreo!' I was shocked by that and told him again, not to talk to me like that.

I just don't know how to approach this situation, I don't like drama at work, but being nice and telling him respectfully not to talk to me that way is not working.
Even though I was firm in addressing it today and he apologized, I just know it is going to happen again.

How would you handle this situation??

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Well you already told him verbally so maybe you can address him via email that way there's a paper trail. I'd he persists use that same email and forward it to him and cc his supervisor. JMO.

Eta: I'm not sure if that could be grounds for sexual harassment but I had something similar happen to me. He made super totally I appropriate comments to me. The last straw was when he said something along the lines of me not giving a brother a chance." I emailed him and cc'd his sup about his comments and how they made me feel...he stopped.

Sent from my SPH-D700

 

[faithVA]

It depends on how much you really want to stop him in his tracks. If it really offends you, you can let him know that his statements are discriminatory and that he is bordering on harassment. And if he is unwilling to speak to you respectfully then you will have no choice but to take it up with HR.

But you may want to consider not getting into any conversations with him at all that may be seen as politically incorrect. You may want to keep all conversations related to the work that you need to do and avoid additional conversations with him.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

It depends on how much you really want to stop him in his tracks. If it really offends you, you can let him know that his statements are discriminatory and that he is bordering on harassment. And if he is unwilling to speak to you respectfully then you will have no choice but to take it up with HR.

But you may want to consider not getting into any conversations with him at all that may be seen as politically incorrect. You may want to keep all conversations related to the work that you need to do and avoid additional conversations with him.

I like what you wrote better than what I wrote.

Sent from my SPH-D700

 

[mscocoface]

FaithVA is right. If you know he won't stop then you won't have a choice. This will become dramatic unfortunately. I would go to HR but if you want that to be a last resort send him an email reiterating your last conversation.

Has anyone else been around when he has said these things to you? You may have to get them involved if or when you go to HR because they should do an investigation.

 

[Nelli04]

I'm so nervous about taking it to the supervisors because I am a temp working for the company through an agency. :-/...I'm worried I would be removed from this job and will be back to getting odd jobs here n there.
But I'm thinking I really have no other choice now...

The other coworker I mentioned in the OP heard what he said. She was confused as to why I was offended by the comment.

If anything, I know I will at least distance myself from him.

 

[mscocoface]

Did the person who witness this say why she was confused you were offended?!?!? That is odd.

Do you think you are being treated this way because you are not an actual permanent employee there?

 

[Keen]

It's not sexual harassment. But it is a racial motivated comment. If it really makes you that uncomfortable and you have put on on notice time after time, you can always contact HR if he keeps on doing it.

 

[faithVA]

I'm so nervous about taking it to the supervisors because I am a temp working for the company through an agency. :-/...I'm worried I would be removed from this job and will be back to getting odd jobs here n there.
But I'm thinking I really have no other choice now...

The other coworker I mentioned in the OP heard what he said. She was confused as to why I was offended by the comment.

If anything, I know I will at least distance myself from him.

If you are a temp then you need to maintain your distance from all full time employees there until you really have been there for quite a bit of time. You may be getting a little too friendly and not keeping yourself in a professional position. It may sound harsh but as a temp you really don't have the luxury sometimes of engaging in conversations like full time employees would. So maybe try keeping your conversations with the other employees limited more to work and neutral conversations like the weather, events happening in the city, etc. And if you have employees there that you feel comfortable with go out to lunch with them and have freer conversations there.

You shouldn't be talking about race or anything else in the office.

I am a consultant and I remain friendly but I stay out of most conversations until at least a year or my contract has been renewed for an extended period of time.

 

[mscocoface]

Again ITA with FaithVA. You need to treat yourself like one who is NOT employed with this firm.

Keep your distance, do your work and see if things work out.

 

[faithVA]

Ok pinkchocolatedaisy and mscocoface, y'all are ruining my image. Two of you agreeing with me in the same thread is an issue. I'm starting to look over my shoulder

 

[Nelli04]

Did the person who witness this say why she was confused you were offended?!?!? That is odd.

Do you think you are being treated this way because you are not an actual permanent employee there?

No not really, she just said 'is that a bad thing?'...but Idk about her either, she's so wound up in pointing out how she is caramel complected and how I am not.

The whole situation has gotten out of control. Everyone is VERY close because there's only 10 of us. This isn't a firm, it's actualy a day center for disabled adults, so there's times when it's just me and him on an outing together, ALL SHIFT.

I think I need to pull him aside and have another talk, but I just don't know what to say.

 

[pinkchocolatedaisy]

Ok pinkchocolatedaisy and mscocoface, y'all are ruining my image. Two of you agreeing with me in the same thread is an issue. I'm starting to look over my shoulder

LOL.

OP I agree with the other ladies..especially since you state you are a temp...I really hope he stops though
Temp or not he's being inappropriate.

Sent from my SPH-D700

 

[Nelli04]

If you are a temp then you need to maintain your distance from all full time employees there until you really have been there for quite a bit of time. You may be getting a little too friendly and not keeping yourself in a professional position. It may sound harsh but as a temp you really don't have the luxury sometimes of engaging in conversations like full time employees would. So maybe try keeping your conversations with the other employees limited more to work and neutral conversations like the weather, events happening in the city, etc. And if you have employees there that you feel comfortable with go out to lunch with them and have freer conversations there.

You shouldn't be talking about race or anything else in the office.

I am a consultant and I remain friendly but I stay out of most conversations until at least a year or my contract has been renewed for an extended period of time.

Yea you're right. This is my first temp job, so my goal was to become a part of the team, so I probably need to take a step back and slow it down. No one is really professional though, but I think just being a little more reserved will benefit me.
But it's really hard with this coworker especially, though. Aside from him trying to make advances at me and this situation, he is cool. I just wish he never crossed the line.

 

[faithVA]

Yea you're right. This is my first temp job, so my goal was to become a part of the team, so I probably need to take a step back and slow it down. No one is really professional though, but I think just being a little more reserved will benefit me.
But it's really hard with this coworker especially, though. Aside from him trying to make advances at me and this situation, he is cool. I just wish he never crossed the line.

He is not cool. He is on the verge of sexually harassing you and speaking in a discriminatory manor. I understand you want to be a part of the team. But instead of trying to fit in, set your boundaries and let everyone else work around you. People will be more likely to treat you the way you want to be treated.

You can let them act however, they like but you need to set your boundaries. People are always watching you to see who you are and how you flow. Close or not.

 

[mscocoface]

Sorry FaithVa gotta do it one mo gin as my mother says. ITA LOL

Boundaries are being crossed do not get that twisted which means he is not cool. As for the lady who did NOT see why you were offended is not a friend either.

Sometimes being part of the crowd in a work setting is not the right way to go. I promise in the future you will be glad that you set those boundaries and stood up for yourself.

 

[Nelli04]

Thank you ladies so much for the input, seems like I've been handling this all wrong. This is my first time working in this type of environment, I'll take it as a lesson learned. Thanks again.

I think my issue is I let little things slide, or I'm too nice about it, so people think they can get away with it. That has always been a weakness of mine.

 

[hopeful]

No not really, she just said 'is that a bad thing?'...but Idk about her either, she's so wound up in pointing out how she is caramel complected and how I am not.

The whole situation has gotten out of control. Everyone is VERY close because there's only 10 of us. This isn't a firm, it's actualy a day center for disabled adults, so there's times when it's just me and him on an outing together, ALL SHIFT.

I think I need to pull him aside and have another talk, but I just don't know what to say.

Please don't pull him aside again. Just be professional with this guy and do a good job. Avoid casual chit chat with him. Be a little chilly with him, not mean or rude, but much cooler. That will make it much more difficult for him to act a fool. If he asks what's wrong, don't waste your time explaining anything to him. In the meantime document the incidents. If he asks you out again, don't respond, speak to your supervisor and show her/him your documentation or discuss with your temp agency. I do think things will settle down though once you set better boundaries. And I agree with the other ladies, he is not cool at all. He is being inappropriate, disrespecting you, and making you uncomfortable, nothing cool about that at all.

 

[lilanie]

Vent.

So I was called an 'oreo' today by someone who is not black, nor are they white. (This same guy also continuously is trying to ask me out to dinner, even though I continue to turn him down)

This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves and I just don't know how to approach the situation.

This guy happens to be my coworker that I work closely with 5 days a week. Ever since I started this job last month he has said slick remarks about me being 'white washed' and I told him countless times not to talk to me like that or refer to me in that manner.

But today he just took it to another level. I was having a conversation with him and another coworker (she happened to be black as well). We were discussing how we were getting a new black associate, and how she would start working tomorrow.

So my coworker says 'so there will be four of us' and I say 'yup four of us, we're coming up!' So he looks at me and says 'but you don't count, you're an oreo!' I was shocked by that and told him again, not to talk to me like that.

I just don't know how to approach this situation, I don't like drama at work, but being nice and telling him respectfully not to talk to me that way is not working.
Even though I was firm in addressing it today and he apologized, I just know it is going to happen again.

How would you handle this situation??

We call that "Hostile Work Environment" not so much discrimination as, it sounds like he doesn't really have the power to limit your opportunities/earning potential.

I would go to Target and get a $24 recorder and tape his monkey *blank*, play it for him once and ask if he has more oreo jokes and comments...

 

[ThickHair]

Stop talking when he comes around ie you have something to do right at that moment.

All because other people don't act professional it doesn't mean you shouldn't. I am responding to you mentioning something about the folks not acting professional

 

[divachyk]

Keep your distance. Don't engage in personal conversation. Keep it professional only. Email him requesting he no longer speaks to you in that tone. Be descriptive in your email to establish paper trail. Elevate if problem persists, temp or not. Make sure you have documented situations to present.

I didnt read all posts so this may not apply -- If you were hired through an agency, seek assistance through them. If hired through the company vs. an agency and you are merely a temp, know the drama will be over soon, just hold your tongue and keep your distance.

 

[hopeful]

Nelli04
Keep us updated. I want to know how he's responding to a different set of boundaries.