A napptural compromise and i hate it.

[LynnieB]

i am not happy, in fact i'm literally close to tears - yall have to know by now how adamant i am about being natural.

we're scheduled to have pictures taken today - a family thing with my mom, husband, daughter, son and me. we haven't had them taken together in years (about 20 actually) so it's a really BIG deal. Besides we're all getting older, especially my mom, and it's something we need to have done.

the problem, my husband wanted me to straighten my hair. he's old school in his thinking, basically. he really didn't have a problem with me wearing my hair naturally for everyday stuff, even his family's bbq this past summer i wore it in a curly puff and he was totally ok with it but i could tell last night from the look on his face that he wanted my hair straight for this picture.

i want to wear my hair naturally in a natural style.

ladies, if you are married, than you KNOW your husband's "fine line" and i can tell that this is one of them for him. i do not want to have a big argument over hair today and i've got a feeling that we would so i straightened it last night.......sigh....for him.

got up this morning and sat there with a modified pincurl set and am absolutely hating my hair. i mean i'm literally hating how it looks and
i really feel like having a good cry because i feel i'm stuck with either having to deal with my husband's attitude and my own crappy feelings over this hair (which essentially feels like a betrayal to myself).

how good of a picture can we take if we're all having an attitude or for the rest of the family is feeling the attitude coming off of me and my husband....

i've got until 5 p.m. today to make a decision on whether to wash this ish out and do how i feel comfortable, do what willmake my husband happy..

update: i chose peace and will try to make the best of a bad attitude on my part take a "happy" family portrait.

here are the pictures before we go:







i know it's sometimes easy to tell another woman to "f" what her husband or SO thinks but i also know how it is to live with someone and that sometimes a compromise needs to be made for the sake of peace and quiet in the household. that's why i do my best to never make a post or respond to a post with that type of answer cause who knows what that woman's gonna have to deal with at home, ya know?

at least it came out looking ok but i'd be lying if i didn't say i can't wait to wash this mess out and get back to my old hair again because i just hate it.

i have no idea why i'm even posting this,i guess i just don't want to feel like i'm the only one who's had to make some sort of compromise just to keep a loved one temporary happy for a specific event.

geez........i feel like a trader to my own nappturalness.

 

[Poohbear]

Don't feel like a trader to your nappturalness. Remember, you are not your hair. Your hair looks great in it's natural state and in those straightened pictures... very thick and healthy. However, if you personally are not happy with your natural hair straightened, then you should definitely wash it out and wear a napptural style that you feel comfortable wearing for the family portrait. Take care and try not to feel bad!

*By the way, I think you look younger when you wear your hair in natural styles... straighten hair makes you look older*

 

[Kawaii1]

Why don't you insist that you go and get another set with your hair natural?

Secondly why is it so important that your hair be straight for the picture? I am married to a guy that feels like this, which is why I straigthen my hair but if you feel so strongly about this I think it's time you sit your husband down and try to figure out a way to explain it. Tell him it means a lot to you for your self esteem and pride. Explain it in a way he might better understand ex: "Honey I know you wanted my hair straight for the pictures but you know how I feel. It would be like me insisting that you let them airbrush your skin to make it lighter/darker for the pictures." Or something like that, you have to make him realize by giving an example, if he's short you could use that or if he is out of shape, etc. that is the way that I found to make my DH understand where I'm coming from.

 

[EMJazzy]

Why do you feel like a trader? Flatironing is one of the things we can do with our natural hair. It's not like you relaxed your hair!? Knowing how YOU feel about the situation and if *I* were in that situation I would have flatironed it for the pics *only* then the moment we returned home from the picture taking I would have washed it right away....a return to your curly splendor. Please don't feel bad for compromising for the peace of your marriage. Maybe you all can set a date for some more pics and this time let your husband know in advance that you flatironed your hair for the first set of pics to make him happy this time you are wearing your hair in it's natural state because it will make *you* happy. You compromised this time he can compromise next time.

BTW your hair looks beautiful.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

I am natural too and I just wanted to say I would pay good money for my hair to look like that you and your hair is so pretty either way!!!!!!!!

 

[zzirvingj]

(((((hugs)))))

I read your post and wanted to cry FOR you!

I am sooo sorry about the way you are feeling. Here's my two cents and you can take it for what it's worth. I actually think that it's a beautiful thing that you actually 'did' compromise for your hubby. Especially considering that you stated he doesn't usually ask for such a thing. I think that your hair came out beautiful and that you are as beautiful with your hair straight as you are with it curly.

One thing I think you should try to keep in mind is that you are you no matter how you wear your hair. And you look gorgeous, so why not take a minute to recognize and appreciate that? You are lucky to have a husband and a family and an opportunity to take a portrait with people that you love and care about. I wish I had done that with my grandmother, the person that raised me, before she had passed away.

 

[sareca]

OMG! I Love those pics. I'm sorry but I can see why your DH might want to have a pic of that!

 

[zzirvingj]

Why do you feel like a trader? Flatironing is one of the things we can do with our natural hair. It's not like you relaxed your hair!? Knowing how YOU feel about the situation and if *I* were in that situation I would have flatironed it for the pics *only* then the moment we returned home from the picture taking I would have washed it right away....a return to your curly splendor. Please don't feel bad for compromising for the peace of your marriage. Maybe you all can set a date for some more pics and this time let your husband know in advance that you flatironed your hair for the first set of pics to make him happy this time you are wearing your hair in it's natural state because it will make *you* happy. You compromised this time he can compromise next time.

BTW your hair looks beautiful.

EMJ put another aspect of the situation into words that I could not. I agree with what she said in terms of talking to your hubby about it if you feel that strongly about the situation. If you absolutely cannot take the pictures with your hair straight, use her suggestion to explain why, or use it to explain why next time---when you take family pics with your hair natural (as one of the other posters suggested).

Best of luck to you!

 

[poetist]

One thing I think you should try to keep in mind is that you are you no matter how you wear your hair. And you look gorgeous, so why not take a minute to recognize and appreciate that? You are lucky to have a husband and a family and an opportunity to take a portrait with people that you love and care about. I wish I had done that with my grandmother, the person that raised me, before she had passed away.

I totally agree.

First, you and your hair look AMAZING. People would kill for that beautiful mane of yours. As a married girl, I do understand and respect the way you compromised for hubby. When all is said and done and you look back on the pictures, I think it will be the time that you were able to spend taking these pics with your family that will matter. I know our hair is a BIG deal to us, but as ZZirvingj said, you are sooooo blessed to even be able to take these pics with a family who loves you.

 

[PinkSkates]

Sometimes its okay to simply do something to make someone else happy! It's just hair; shampoo it tomorrow and you're back to what makes you happy! And by the way, your hair looks AMAZING straightened!

 

[SparklingFlame]

i know it's sometimes easy to tell another woman to "f" what her husband or SO thinks but i also know how it is to live with someone and that sometimes a compromise needs to be made for the sake of peace and quiet in the household.

Girl I TOTALLY feel you on that. If I didnt give a damn about peace in my home I would be sporting a TWA right now. But I love peace in my home and I know if I cut my hair off (which I have been prone to doing in the past) it will be an all out war up in here. Sure I want to cut the hell out of my hair but I wont b/c it makes things nicer in here. Compromises have to be made and I commend you for doing so. At least hes supportive of you otherwise.I'm sure you are probably washing you hair right now but if its any conciliation your hair is BEAUTIFUL!!! Curly or strait!

 

[janeemat]

OMG! I Love those pics. I'm sorry but I can see why your DH might want to have a pic of that!

I have to agree with Sareca on this one. Your hair is absolutely gorgeous!

 

[Miosy]

Either way your hair is beautiful and healthy. My husband prefers it straight and that's okay because that is his preference. Whenever we go out, I straighten my hair because I know he likes it. Find some cute accessory that you love and add it to your hair and take the picture. That's one battle not worth it

 

[gabulldawg]

I thought your hair looked SO GOOD in the pictures! It's great that you took your husband's input about how he wanted to see your hair. I also try to do that as often as possible. AND It's just a picture!

 

[Isis]

Your hair is beautiful both natural and natural and straightened!
I believe there is a gift in every experience, even ones we don't initially feel good about. Perhaps this gift is one of diversity and being versatile.

Change can be a very good thing, especially when it looks this pretty. Plus, it isn't a permanent change so nothing at all is lost or sacrificed, just a beautiful memory was created.

 

[napgurl]

Your hair looks beautiful in both pictures. Congrats to you for finding peace and being flexible.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

You and your hair look very pretty.

I hope you feel better.

 

[MissJ]

Your hair looks great either way. Your husband shouldn't be trippin' as long as it looks good!

 

[Lynnerie]

I think you look beautiful and I like your hair straight as well as curly too. Remember that even when your hair is straight its still natural. Its thick and bouncy and girl you look good. Be happy you have your fam and the versatility to have 2 gorgeous looks.

 

[Mook's hair]

Yes- I also know the hair compromises that have to be made to keep peace in the home. I love the comments that all of the ladies have posted for you.

And your hair looks pretty... straight and curly. He probably wanted the length to show in the photo. You know how that dag-on shrinkage draws up our hair.

Try not to dwell on it. I'm glad you were able to dodge a fight with your husband. Over hair.

I'm sorry to hear that the ordeal made you so sad. So now, to heal your own feelings. I suggest that you co wash, get that natural curl going and have a wet hair photo shoot and then blow up your fotki with your natural wet curly hair. That ought to help you shake off the saltiness.

And Please let us all know when the photo shoot photos are posted.

 

[DarkVictory]

Years from now, when people look at the picture, they will be remembering you as a person, not your hair.

We all have to pick our battles when it comes to getting along at home. By avoiding conflict, you showed loyalty to the family as a unit, and that's the important thing.

 

[LynnieB]

Just sat down after picture day - i'm beat lol! Everything turned out great, hopefully we'll get the pictures back soon - my daughter kept the paper and i wasn't in the vicinity when the woman told her when they will be ready.

poohbear, thanks girl. i think i look younger in natural hair too i stuck with the straight style and he was happy and i'm glad he was but if there is another next time i'm definitely going to do what makes me feel more comfortable and wear my hair natural.

hey kawaii, that's a good idea! i'm going to try to get us to get another set made in the spring next year. he knows how i feel but i don't think he realizes just how really serious i feel about it and when a good opportunity arises regarding hair, i'll let him know exactly how i feel about it.

emjazzy, why do i feel that way? well i'm so into natural since i bc'd.....it's like it's completely taken over everything hairwise right down to not feeling comfortable anymore with straightened hair :S i know it's not like relaxing it, not even close. i just feel so different now since i've stopped straightening.......i dunno it's hard to explain but like i told kawaii, next set of pics will be done the way i feel most comfortable having a picture taken.

thanks kinchen!

zzirvingj, thanks so much for the love and empathy. that's the thing right there, he never bothers me about my hair choices - sure i get a tease here and there but it's all lighthearted and never that serious. he's a good husband, always was and i was soooo torn deciding whether to make this a battle or give him his way.

thanks too for breaking it down. trust me, i am very grateful i have my little family around me. there's not many of us now and these days i have with them are precious and i know hair styling shouldn't be a #1 priorty when it concerns the bigger picture.

{{hugs}} right back to you. i'm so, so sorry about your gran. you have her locked away in your memories. pictures can be lost or destroyed but the memory you carry within you is there for a lifetime!!

thank-you sareca!

poetist, thank you also for breaking it down. i am blessed and hair should not be my biggest concern. i'm glad we had the pictures done! it took alot of manuvering to get all of us together at once like this, usually we're all scattered about and everyone running on different schedules and it's rare we can all get together. God worked it out for us, we got it done and I feel so much better that we did!

pinkskates, yes ma'am you're right, it's just hair and should be thought of as such! thank-you!

naturallady, geez yea our households sound totally similar. hubby was the main reason why i transitioned for so long. the alopecia was a second factor but even after it started growing back, there was no way he'd accept a twa. he's a good man, really and his biggest requests are for me to cook him his favorite meal or whip up his favorite dessert - really an easy to please man. it makes him happy and it makes me happy that he's happy, it's just this one thing that he requested that really had me saying "dang".

i guess it's just something we do for our husband's or SO's from time to time. i'm just glad it's not an ongoing request .

janeemat, thanks!

miosy, thanks. that's what we wound up doing, we got it done and everything turned out fine. i still feel a bit bad about the hair thing but i feel happy that he was happy too so i guess it all evens out.

gabulldawg, thanks girl and yea, it's just a doggone picture LOL. done and over, can't wait til we get them back and i'm glad my husband isn't pouting lol!

hello isis thank-you! i'm thinking you're right about a gift in every experience. he felt like i did something special for him and we had a positive bonding experience today @ the photographer. mom was happy and enjoyed herself too!

so, it's done, no permanent change and a beautiful memory has definitely been created!!

mscolwhite - thanks and i do feel better now that it's over and done with.

hey jcoily - thanks. i was feeling a little booo in the car on our way there but my daughter started cutting jokes, my mom was really smiling and happy, my son was joking around, the sun was shining and everything's ok in the world!


----------

it's funny how being with beloved family members can pick you up out of a bad mood. i was feeling really rotten when i posted this and i was literally on my way out the door when i hit "post" but as we drove together, waited our turn for pic taking, watched how much son and daughter still love each other and stay close, how my mom was really happy and felt loved, smiles were everywhere! i stopped feeling so silly about my hair and enjoyed the time we had together and realized that today will never again occur quite the way it did this afternoon.............and just let it go.

thank you again for reading my post and responding like you guys did!! i'm glad i could let these feelings out and i'm also sooooooo happy that i have folks who understand how i felt and did not judge me because i felt that way.

Again, thank you sooooooo much ladies!!!

 

[LynnieB]

MissJ, cluessaka, Mook, DarkVictory - thank you ladies for taking the time to not only read but to respond!!

Feeling much better now - took the pics, had dinner out - all of us together as a family and all the other stuff just didn't seem important anymore.

........still can't wait to wash my hair though LOL!

 

[JustKiya]

*hug*

I'm glad you came to terms with it, and I totally understand where you were coming from. I've been natural for alost ten years, and I haven't had straight hair of any sort for that time - and thinking about having straight hair is simply - foreign to me. I wouldn't want to take a picture in straight hair, because I would look at that picture, and I wouldn't see the Kiya that I have grown to know and love - I would see some other sista in the picture.

Thankfully, that's one battle DH knows he would lose, and thus doesn't even bring up - but it was very kind and very loving to do that for your husband - you're a better wife than I am!!

 

[starfish79]

I know saying that your hair looks great in the straightened style probably doesn't make you feel better about the situation, but it really does look wonderful!! I applaud you on making the decision to keep the peace, it takes a lot of fortitude to put aside your own personal desires for the common good! There have been times when my SO put his foot down and I wanted to say 'f' that, but I've learned that in winning the battle you may lose the war!

 

[zzirvingj]

Thanks for giving us an update and glad to hear you enjoyed your time with your family!

 

[lipyt]

i am not happy, in fact i'm literally close to tears - yall have to know by now how adamant i am about being natural.

we're scheduled to have pictures taken today - a family thing with my mom, husband, daughter, son and me. we haven't had them taken together in years (about 20 actually) so it's a really BIG deal. Besides we're all getting older, especially my mom, and it's something we need to have done.

the problem, my husband wanted me to straighten my hair. he's old school in his thinking, basically. he really didn't have a problem with me wearing my hair naturally for everyday stuff, even his family's bbq this past summer i wore it in a curly puff and he was totally ok with it but i could tell last night from the look on his face that he wanted my hair straight for this picture.

i want to wear my hair naturally in a natural style.

ladies, if you are married, than you KNOW your husband's "fine line" and i can tell that this is one of them for him. i do not want to have a big argument over hair today and i've got a feeling that we would so i straightened it last night.......sigh....for him.

got up this morning and sat there with a modified pincurl set and am absolutely hating my hair. i mean i'm literally hating how it looks and
i really feel like having a good cry because i feel i'm stuck with either having to deal with my husband's attitude and my own crappy feelings over this hair (which essentially feels like a betrayal to myself).

how good of a picture can we take if we're all having an attitude or for the rest of the family is feeling the attitude coming off of me and my husband....

i've got until 5 p.m. today to make a decision on whether to wash this ish out and do how i feel comfortable, do what willmake my husband happy..

update: i chose peace and will try to make the best of a bad attitude on my part take a "happy" family portrait.

here are the pictures before we go:







i know it's sometimes easy to tell another woman to "f" what her husband or SO thinks but i also know how it is to live with someone and that sometimes a compromise needs to be made for the sake of peace and quiet in the household. that's why i do my best to never make a post or respond to a post with that type of answer cause who knows what that woman's gonna have to deal with at home, ya know?

at least it came out looking ok but i'd be lying if i didn't say i can't wait to wash this mess out and get back to my old hair again because i just hate it.

i have no idea why i'm even posting this,i guess i just don't want to feel like i'm the only one who's had to make some sort of compromise just to keep a loved one temporary happy for a specific event.

geez........i feel like a trader to my own nappturalness.

You are soo cute and kind hearted! That is nice that you are able to take your husbands feelings into consideration. I think you should take another set the way you want if your huband is so insistent upon str8 hair. I felt like a trader the other night when I permed to but like poohbear and India said "you are not your hair."

 

[lipyt]

MissJ, cluessaka, Mook, DarkVictory - thank you ladies for taking the time to not only read but to respond!!

Feeling much better now - took the pics, had dinner out - all of us together as a family and all the other stuff just didn't seem important anymore.

........still can't wait to wash my hair though LOL!

glad to hear that!