A backslider's need to share...LONG post

[la929]

I have made a decision that I am going to get my relationship with God back. Though I know He has never left me, I have not been living my life under His authority like I should. I know that is why there is so much misadventure in my life. And even though I have not been doing what I should, He has continued to bless me and my husband.
I know I started sliding quite some time ago, but two years ago I lost my son at 17 weeks pregnant. Without going into too much detail DH and I have been plagued with infertility (my issue, not his) and when we finally fell pregnant I was walking on cloud nine, giving God all the glory at how he had taken my body and made it whole when doctors and medicine did nothing. After I lost my son an anger and frustration set inside of me fueled by the weight of my loss, and I turned away from God. I was mad at Him. But of course for the past 2 years I called on Him when I needed something. I acted as if God owed me something. Finally, finally I want my relationship back. Not just because my life feels out of order, but because I know He loves me, and my pain was/is His pain. And like I said earlier, he continued to bless me and DH.
I feel this strong pull on my heart to get in touch with God, I mean REALLY get in touch with God. DH and I both used to be on fire for the Lord, and now we are barely separate from the secular world. I miss Him...

I am back to reading my bible everyday, and praying more. I need to find a good church home. DH is really going through some things right now, and I don't know how to help him. I pray for him, but because of my situation I don't feel like God is listening to me. So my first priority is to get back my personal relationship with God.

I don't now why I HAD to write this, but I felt the need to. I don't have any older generation Christian women whom I can talk to, my saved friendgirls have issues and I just can not listen to them because their walk is no better than my own. *Sigh*

 

[Nice & Wavy]

I have made a decision that I am going to get my relationship with God back. Though I know He has never left me, I have not been living my life under His authority like I should. I know that is why there is so much misadventure in my life. And even though I have not been doing what I should, He has continued to bless me and my husband.
I know I started sliding quite some time ago, but two years ago I lost my son at 17 weeks pregnant. Without going into too much detail DH and I have been plagued with infertility (my issue, not his) and when we finally fell pregnant I was walking on cloud nine, giving God all the glory at how he had taken my body and made it whole when doctors and medicine did nothing. After I lost my son an anger and frustration set inside of me fueled by the weight of my loss, and I turned away from God. I was mad at Him. But of course for the past 2 years I called on Him when I needed something. I acted as if God owed me something. Finally, finally I want my relationship back. Not just because my life feels out of order, but because I know He loves me, and my pain was/is His pain. And like I said earlier, he continued to bless me and DH.
I feel this strong pull on my heart to get in touch with God, I mean REALLY get in touch with God. DH and I both used to be on fire for the Lord, and now we are barely separate from the secular world. I miss Him...

I am back to reading my bible everyday, and praying more. I need to find a good church home. DH is really going through some things right now, and I don't know how to help him. I pray for him, but because of my situation I don't feel like God is listening to me. So my first priority is to get back my personal relationship with God.

I don't now why I HAD to write this, but I felt the need to. I don't have any older generation Christian women whom I can talk to, my saved friendgirls have issues and I just can not listen to them because their walk is no better than my own. *Sigh*

I want you to know, you can talk to me anytime...pm me, ok?

Your thread here is showing me some things...its time for ALL OF US to step up and be reminded of what the plan of God is for our lives.

You are so blessed to come on this forum and share something that was hidden in your heart...God honors that.

Your desire to get back into relationship with God is wonderful....He is right there waiting with open arms and with a great big wonderful smile on His face...oh, how awesome it is to know Him...oh how great it is to know that He never, ever will leave us or forsake us!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have brightened my day, today...and I won't forget you in my prayers!

Keep praying for dh....God knows the heart and He will answer your prayers for dh. Keep standing and after you have done all to stand....stand!

Fight for him and for yourself. You put on your battle gear and take back everything that the devil has stolen from you. Jesus is the Captian of the hosts and is with you all the way!

That's what I love about the Lord....He is always with us: in good times, hard times, battle times...He is there!

Blessings to you...2008 is the year of new beginnings!

Get a vision, right it down and then.........run with it!

 

[kweenameena]

Everything that N & W said is on point! I don't have much to add except I'm so happy that you posted this thread because it was a reminder for me to get back on track with the Lord...he's been soo good to me.

Continue to pray for your husband....sometimes we as women have to be the leaders. God is working on him right now. Don't push him. Just be supportive. The new year will bring new joys and new pains but God remains the same. He will still be the dependable God that we've always known him to be and he will still have him arms open wide for you to come back to him.
This reminds me of K. Franklin's song "first love". Come back to your first love!
This is beautiful! I know the Lord will bless you and I will keep you and your's in my prayers!

 

[MrsQueeny]

I just wanted to chime in and say I am praying and believing God to do miracles in your life and in the life of your loved ones. Much love!!! Q

 

[la929]

Thank you ladies for your replies and your prayers...I really need them. I remember how happy I was when I got saved in 2000. I had nothing..literally, I was staying at a shelter and it was a Christian establishment. I remember being turned off by that, but I prayed and told God that I had tried it my way and now whatever he wanted me to do I would do. I left family and friends, no one knew where I was and went into the shelter. That time was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I remember getting $5 per week as a supervisor and being baptized at the church we had to attend. I grew to love that chruch. I meet my husband there and my whole life changed. I didn't watch television much, maybe a football game on Sunday, that was it. We had a structured schedule and the women had their side and the men had their side of the campus. People around the neighborhood used to call it a cult, but it wasn't. I used to say we had a shield over us because hell could be breaking loose around us with shootings and drugs, but nothing ever happened to any of us. I was happy then, and I haven't been that happy in a long time. Since leaving the mission life has gotten in the way and I have allowed myself to get away from my walk with God. Even worse DH is not like he used to be either and it is really tearing him apart. I want my joy back. I was content even when daggers were being thrown at me. Even at the mission, I stayed in the 'single women' house, and most all of the women were addicts except for me. Some of them tried to hold that against me and say I didn't really understand, but I had a gift, I could talk to them all and they listened. They respected me and I respected them. I remember cradling a grown woman in my arms holding her hands down because she was coming down off of a high and pulling her hair out by the roots. They took her to the hospital and after she left I fell to my knees and cried like a newborn baby and prayed for that woman. It hurt my heart to see her like that. I remember the devil came after me...I know it was the devil. A woman came in late one night. I was wide awake watching her (we had 6 beds in one room) all the other girls in the room were asleep, I kept watching her. She started chanting something and looked at me and said "you think he can help you know". I saw a demon in this woman. I asked her who was she talking about, Jesus. She would literally cower away whenever I spoke the name of Jesus. I demanded she say His name and she could not, would not say it. I got out of my bed and told her that nothing she planned to do to us in the house was going to happen because this was a house of the Lord and Jesus will stop all of her plans. She muttered some things but she never came near me. I kept telling her to say His name and I was calling on Jesus myself. The other girls woke up and one of them tried to tell the lady to shut up, and the lady lashed out at her something awful. The words that came out of her mouth scared everyone, but I just got angry, I told her the devil cannot stay in this house. I called the head of the house, she came upstairs,and the lady started calling her all types of names. I told the house head "she has to go...now!" we called the police and she looked at me and said 'i am going" and then she smiled at me and said 'he won't be there for you forever'. I kept saying Jesus and she smiled again and left. All the other ladies in the house were upset, but I said a prayer and slept like a baby the rest of the night. I know that was a demon, and I felt no fear.
I want that power back. I remember teaching other residents about the bible and explaining passages to them, and DH used to teach the men's bible classes. We were a powerful couple. We even changed the rules, we were not supposed to 'date' but we did, got caught and they finally said ok, you two can date. Mind you we were supposed to get kicked out for that, but we were meeting at the library for devotional time together...LOL. It was crazy but it was what I needed. I want that back, I want my relationship with God back. I feel like we are so far away from where God wanted us to be, I don't know what road to take to get back on track. And through it all God continued to bless us.

ok, enough of my pity party...thanks again for your prayers and words of encouragement.

I ache for Him...has anyone ever just ached for the Lord?

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Thank you ladies for your replies and your prayers...I really need them. I remember how happy I was when I got saved in 2000. I had nothing..literally, I was staying at a shelter and it was a Christian establishment. I remember being turned off by that, but I prayed and told God that I had tried it my way and now whatever he wanted me to do I would do. I left family and friends, no one knew where I was and went into the shelter. That time was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I remember getting $5 per week as a supervisor and being baptized at the church we had to attend. I grew to love that chruch. I meet my husband there and my whole life changed. I didn't watch television much, maybe a football game on Sunday, that was it. We had a structured schedule and the women had their side and the men had their side of the campus. People around the neighborhood used to call it a cult, but it wasn't. I used to say we had a shield over us because hell could be breaking loose around us with shootings and drugs, but nothing ever happened to any of us. I was happy then, and I haven't been that happy in a long time. Since leaving the mission life has gotten in the way and I have allowed myself to get away from my walk with God. Even worse DH is not like he used to be either and it is really tearing him apart. I want my joy back. I was content even when daggers were being thrown at me. Even at the mission, I stayed in the 'single women' house, and most all of the women were addicts except for me. Some of them tried to hold that against me and say I didn't really understand, but I had a gift, I could talk to them all and they listened. They respected me and I respected them. I remember cradling a grown woman in my arms holding her hands down because she was coming down off of a high and pulling her hair out by the roots. They took her to the hospital and after she left I fell to my knees and cried like a newborn baby and prayed for that woman. It hurt my heart to see her like that. I remember the devil came after me...I know it was the devil. A woman came in late one night. I was wide awake watching her (we had 6 beds in one room) all the other girls in the room were asleep, I kept watching her. She started chanting something and looked at me and said "you think he can help you know". I saw a demon in this woman. I asked her who was she talking about, Jesus. She would literally cower away whenever I spoke the name of Jesus. I demanded she say His name and she could not, would not say it. I got out of my bed and told her that nothing she planned to do to us in the house was going to happen because this was a house of the Lord and Jesus will stop all of her plans. She muttered some things but she never came near me. I kept telling her to say His name and I was calling on Jesus myself. The other girls woke up and one of them tried to tell the lady to shut up, and the lady lashed out at her something awful. The words that came out of her mouth scared everyone, but I just got angry, I told her the devil cannot stay in this house. I called the head of the house, she came upstairs,and the lady started calling her all types of names. I told the house head "she has to go...now!" we called the police and she looked at me and said 'i am going" and then she smiled at me and said 'he won't be there for you forever'. I kept saying Jesus and she smiled again and left. All the other ladies in the house were upset, but I said a prayer and slept like a baby the rest of the night. I know that was a demon, and I felt no fear.

I want that power back

. I remember teaching other residents about the bible and explaining passages to them, and DH used to teach the men's bible classes. We were a powerful couple. We even changed the rules, we were not supposed to 'date' but we did, got caught and they finally said ok, you two can date. Mind you we were supposed to get kicked out for that, but we were meeting at the library for devotional time together...LOL. It was crazy but it was what I needed. I want that back, I want my relationship with God back. I feel like we are so far away from where God wanted us to be, I don't know what road to take to get back on track. And through it all God continued to bless us.

ok, enough of my pity party...thanks again for your prayers and words of encouragement.

I ache for Him...has anyone ever just ached for the Lord?

That power has never left. It's the same power that is bringing you back to the foot of the cross. It's the same power that is giving you the strength to overcome the devil and put him underneath your feet.

That power is the power of the Blood of Jesus!

I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in your life, sis....hallelujah!!!

 

[shalom]

That power has never left. It's the same power that is bringing you back to the foot of the cross. It's the same power that is giving you the strength to overcome the devil and put him underneath your feet.

That power is the power of the Blood of Jesus!

I look forward to seeing what God is going to do in your life, sis....hallelujah!!!

ITA and yes I ache for the presence of Lord in my life.

Thank you for opening your heart to us I cried for your loss then rejoiced in your love for the Lord.

I'll be praying for you and your husband.

Be Blessed!

 

[kweenameena]

Wow!! I'm praying for you, Hun! It's a process. He breaks us to mold us!

 

[Sui Topi]

I'm here with you too. I feel like 2007 was such a stagnant year for me and I'm going to push that 2008 will be the exact opposite. I got baptised on my birthday (last sabbath) and I am going to fight this year to keep up this zeal. Lets stick together on this journey!

 

[la929]

I'm here with you too. I feel like 2007 was such a stagnant year for me and I'm going to push that 2008 will be the exact opposite. I got baptised on my birthday (last sabbath) and I am going to fight this year to keep up this zeal. Lets stick together on this journey!

Congratulations on your baptism! Didn't it feel good to publicly show your love for and belief in God.


Thank you all ladies for your prayers and words of encouragement. I am so glad I joined this forum! May God continue to bless you all...yes Sui Topi, lets stick together on this journey!