9 yr. old wants relaxer for 10th Birthday...HELP!!

[auntybe]

My 9 yr old goddaughter wants her hair relaxed for her birthday. The big day is October 24 so I have time. Her hair is shoulder length and very thick. She is bi-racial and has a ton of hair. I had been pressing and flat ironing it for her once a month. I have been really considering doing it for her but, her mother is not sure is ready to handle her hair. What makes this difficult is my goddaughter lives with her grandmother in another city and bring her to me to do her hair. She doesn't like her hair curly or in pig tails or braids. She only wants to wear it straight like her mother's hair. Her mother told me to put an Elucence Relaxer in her hair after she saw mine-my gooddaughter and I have similar hair. Then she changed her mind beacuse she feels no one would follow instructions in taking care of my goddaughters hair. This has been an on going battle since my goddaughter was 5 yrs.old and her father treatened to cut all her hair off bacause it looked so bad. They won't take her to a salon because when they do all they ever do is cut some of the length and suggest a relaxer. I am the only person that does her hair. If her grandmother thinks she needs a trim she calls me first.

Everyone says it is my godaughter's and my decision how we do her hair. She cries all the time because she wants to look like her friends....what should I do.

 

[M_BYRON_M]

Maybe you could look into a demi perm ? Like you said in the post it really is up to you and your god daughter. but I think at nine shes doesnt wholly know what is good for her or her hair.....

 

[hotshot]

she maybe crying now, but she'll feel worse after no one can really maintain takikng care her relaxed head. like her mother said, which was smart, who will properly maintain it regularly? many of us on the board have cited relaxing when young as the beginning of our hair problems. i think she should wait until older and consider some other options until then.

 

[jewel]

She is too young for a chemical relaxer, maybe you could try a natural relaxer( keyword it on google or yahoo) that only softens the cuticle and not relaxes it giving her a more loose curl. If you put a chemical relaxer in her hair at such a young age it will damage her hair in the long run. She thinks her hair is not cute now wait until it starts to thin out and/or possibly fall out

. I say do all you can to uplift her with her naturally beautiful curly thick hair. My daughter has the same texture hair and what i do is show her pictures of other women with her hair type and comment on how beautiful their hair is. It will take some time for her at first to realize that her hair is beautiful as an individual and that she is beautiful the way she is

. But just be encouraging and do not give up. Good luck

 

[ms_kenesha]

At ten all her friends wear their hair straight and out??? Because you said she doesn't like braids or pigtails. In my opinion I think that is a very "adult" hairstyle for a little girl; if her hair is long even with a relaxer if she wears it out everyday it's going to get tangled and unmanageable. And if she gets it relaxed and wears it out everyday is someone going to rollerset it every week for her or is someone going to want to hot curl it/flatiron it all the time?

I think now would be a good time to buy some children's natural hair books, tell her that her natural texture is beautiful, and teach her how to work with it.

Recommended Reading:
[*]It's All Good Hair: The Guide to Styling and Grooming Black Children's Hair by Michele N-K Collison
[*]Kids Talk Hair: An Instruction Book for Grown-Ups & Kids
by Pamella Ferrell
[*]I Love My Hair! by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley
[*]Born Beautiful: The African American Teenager's Complete Beauty Guide by Alfred Fornay (I know she's not a teen yet)

 

[Lindy]

I went through the same thing with my daughter. I gave in and let her get it relaxed and definitely lived to regret it!! Her hair used to be mid back length, and sure enough, that relaxer thinned her hair out and it broke off... Right now she's at about shoulder length and she's 14 now... It has never gotten back to the length it once was!!

I say don't do it. But I know how it is when they cry and ask why they can't wear their hair out like other girls...

It's not easy to take care of relaxed hair on a young girl. They usually don't tolerate sitting under a hot dryer well!!

My daughter does it now that she's older but I can't imagine putting her through that at 9 years old... And we all know that blow drying and hot curling aren't good for relaxed hair!

 

[AshCash]

How about a texturizer? I'm talking about just loosening the curls enough so that they move more in a north-south direction and are easy to take care of. I understand that 10 is young for chemicals but I also remember what its like to be 10 years old and biracial with a mother who had no idea how to do my hair.

I also believe that 10 year olds are a lot older than they seem and are ready to start making some of their own choices and to start doing their own hair. It is extremely difficult to be a pre-teen/teenage girl in today's society. Some of my most painful memories of middle school had to do with my hair. When I got my first texturizer I was able to take care of my own hair. I wore it curly in a half ponytail. I can not explain what a difference this made to me in terms of confidence.

I understand wanting her to embrace her heritage and her hair, but I just can't help thinking isn't being 10 today hard enough?

BTW: Whatever you decide I strongly recommend teaching her to do her own daily conditioner washes, detangling in the shower, airdrying with butters, and wearing in a curly style. This will increase the manageability in her hair over time. It may take awhile at first but once she gets it down it will take only minutes.

 

[M_BYRON_M]

heres the website for the demi perm which is a type of natural realxer that lyphe mentioned

http://www.organicrootstimulator.com/demiperm/demiperm.html

 

[auntybe]

Thanks for the responses:

Ms Kenesha: There aren't that many AA people where her grandmother lives. So all her freinds are white or biracial (they have relaxers). Her grandparents didn't want to say her father was AA when she was born. They said he was Hispanic.

Ash: I was thinking texturizer. My hair is texturized. I was going to use an Elucence Gentile-that's what I use.

I have got to do something soon

 

[hOnii]

i'd say go with a texturizer.can she care for her own hair? since her hair is thick, her hair my actually do well with a relaxer, but it does take proper care.

 

[PretteePlease]

i just wanted to know the outcome of this one

 

[sassygirl125]

[ QUOTE ]
At ten all her friends wear their hair straight and out???

[/ QUOTE ]

I believe it. When I am unfortunate enough to get stuck driving behind the school bus I see little girls getting off the bus with their hair (real and fake /images/graemlins/frown.gif ) flying all over the place. For a long time I thought it was the high school bus. /images/graemlins/blush.gif

My grandmother would have had a coronary if one of us wore our hair down before high school. She used to compromise with the "giant ponytail on the side with a little hair left out in the back" style. /images/graemlins/tongue.gif

 

[shellzfoshizzle]

I do agree that ten is too young to get a relaxer. I think since I was 5 years old is when I started getting Super Strength kiddie perms...which is partially to blame why my hair has been damaged since...forever. I wish my mom/sister would have waited before relaxing my hair. It seems that little girls with unrelaxed hair is much healthier and grows really fast. When they have relaxed hair, they'll want to wear it down and have it swinging here and there, then it'll get damaged from overprocessing and overgrooming it. It'll give her that mature look at 10.

 

[Xerxes]

Dang, am I the only one with a great experience after getting a relaxer when I was 8? LOL

Seriously, my mom started relaxing my hair when I turned 8 because she got tired of having to press and detangle it, especially since press and curls don't stand up too well with the humidity that we had in our area. My hair grew wonderfully and never broke off when I was little up until shortly before I decided to go natural. What I attribute to my hair's success back then was the use of professional stylists who knew what they were doing and who cared about my hair's wellbeing.

The only bad experience I have ever had with a relaxer was when I moved to a drier climate where the stylists I went to were more accustomed with pressn'curls than relaxers. Their inexperience wrecked my hair, but had I not used them, I'm sure my hair would still be relaxed right now! LOL

Honestly, relaxing her hair is almost tantamount to you having to hot comb it each month and will probably give her better results if she wants to wear her hair straight. I wore my hair straight and out when I was her age and I never suffered my ends breaking off or anything. Just use common sense when styling her hair and teach her and her mom how to handle it.

The only problem I see with her desire to wear her hair straightened permanently with a relaxer or by a hot comb is that it seems like she has not come to love her own hair's natural texture yet. A relaxer only looks good and masks her true texture until her newgrowth comes in, she'll always be fighting her newgroth.

What she needs to do is to learn how to love what naturally grows out of her head. The straightening of her hair isn't the real issue, the real issue is self love and somehow one of you, either you, her grandmother or mom has to teach her that. She needs to know that her hair and all of her is beautiful naturally. /images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[Ayeshia]

I wont relax my daughters hair no matter how much she cries...shes not the one taking care of it I am. PLus I feel that wraps/crimps and all that other stuff is too grown for a child...I wouldnt risk damaging her hair.

 

[Valerie]

I think one of the problems is that there are many black magazines with girls with long straight relaxed hair. The advertising starts very young. I feel for it, and I as a mother did relax my daughter's hair. Afterwards I regretted it and I had to learn to take care of her hair. Eventually her hair grew very thick. Now at 16, she had natural hair. Having natural, afro texturised hair, we as mothers have to look after and take care and that takes time. I have to agree what Xeres said, your god-daughter needs to love her hair.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

No. Please don't. Not yet. Maybe she will grow out of wanting the relaxer in a few months.Otherwise look for new products on this board to help with her texture control.

 

[Tru_Mind]

I cried for my first relaxer at a young age too. Even though my stylist said that I didn't need one she did put one in anyway. I went from nice curly 3b managable hair to over processed dry damaged and fizzy hair year...after year after...after year, until I got old enough to know how to manage my own hair, and I realized that every stylist I went to as a child did not know what they were doing. they alway comb relaxer through my already relaxed ends.

After managing my own hair for years I decided never to relax again.I'm finally relaxer free and I will be for the rest of my life.

However, if you have decided to relax your 9yr old's hair don't let her comb it you must always comb it until she is old enough. I'm speaking from experience, because I used to play in my hair everyday after school.

 

[sillygurl18]

I agree with Ayeshia.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Hmmm. If she really wants to be like her mom, if that is a factor... it could really help if her mom got a perm to make her hair have the same size curls as her daughter's. That way she gets to look like mom and the chemicals stay with the grown folks.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Paging auntybe! We wanna know if you relaxed her hair...