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bellachic

bellachic

New Member
Hi ladies,

So where do I start. I'm a longtime lurker and have enjoyed being a member of this forum for many years. I've learned so much and was hoping you can help me on one minor issue.

I love my SO, but I am not attracted to him.

I know it sounds crazy and i can't really rationalize it. We are in a long distance relationship with plans for me to return to our hometown in a month. But this weekend, I did the unthinkable. I cheated on him with a friend. Up to this point, I hadn't been with anyone else for over six months, and this was because I didn't want to break the bond that I was developing my SO. But after a while, I started to become anxious and a bit impatient with waiting to be with him:perplexed so I slept with my friend.

Looking back, whenever I was in the state where I felt I couldn't take it any longer and had to take care of business on my own:blush:, the person in my fantasy was not SO:nono:

I feel horrible about what I did this weekend but a big part of me does not want to let him go. He is the sweetest man I have ever met and thinks the world of me. He even wants to marry me one day. I feel the same way about him. He is my best friend and my confidant but sometimes I find it very very hard to be aroused with him or attracted to him.

Just to put it in a bit more perspective, SO is a bit shorter and larger than previous guys I have dated.

Please ladies..I could really use your advice. I've never been one to be fixated on looks so this is a very strange issue to deal with. should I tell him? Should I stay in the relationship? Is it possible to develop or become more attracted to someone over time or if it isn't lust at first sight, its time to move on?

I don't want to let him go, but I think after this past weekend, I may have to face some facts I've been avoiding.

**Disclaimer--I really really do love this man and can see him being the father of my children in the future. Its just the baby making part that seems to not work out sometimes.:sad:**
 
bellachic said:
Hi ladies,

So where do I start. I'm a longtime lurker and have enjoyed being a member of this forum for many years. I've learned so much and was hoping you can help me on one minor issue.

I love my SO, but I am not attracted to him.

I know it sounds crazy and i can't really rationalize it. We are in a long distance relationship with plans for me to return to our hometown in a month. But this weekend, I did the unthinkable. I cheated on him with a friend. Up to this point, I hadn't been with anyone else for over six months, and this was because I didn't want to break the bond that I was developing my SO. But after a while, I started to become anxious and a bit impatient with waiting to be with him:perplexed so I slept with my friend.

Looking back, whenever I was in the state where I felt I couldn't take it any longer and had to take care of business on my own:blush:, the person in my fantasy was not SO:nono:

I feel horrible about what I did this weekend but a big part of me does not want to let him go. He is the sweetest man I have ever met and thinks the world of me. He even wants to marry me one day. I feel the same way about him. He is my best friend and my confidant but sometimes I find it very very hard to be aroused with him or attracted to him.

Just to put it in a bit more perspective, SO is a bit shorter and larger than previous guys I have dated.

Please ladies..I could really use your advice. I've never been one to be fixated on looks so this is a very strange issue to deal with. should I tell him? Should I stay in the relationship? Is it possible to develop or become more attracted to someone over time or if it isn't lust at first sight, its time to move on?

I don't want to let him go, but I think after this past weekend, I may have to face some facts I've been avoiding.

**Disclaimer--I really really do love this man and can see him being the father of my children in the future. Its just the baby making part that seems to not work out sometimes.:sad:**
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:funny:
Now that that's out of my system, I will say I understand how you feel. One thing to keep in mind though is looks do eventually fade so there has to be something more to your attraction than just the physical. You obviously have your reasons for loving him, is that enough to get over not being physically attracted to him? How can you want him to be the father of your children if you can't really get into the idea of copulation? Sounds like there are some things to think about. Personally, if I'm not physically attracted to a guy, the rest of the stuff doesn't even really matter. There has to be SOMETHING about him that makes me wanna... even if it's just his smile or dimples (examples). Is there anything about him you like?
 
Only you would know the best thing to do. IMHO, I think it is best to move on. I was once in the same type of relationship, except the other way around. My ex was used to girls who were taller, lighter and thin. He crave this type and I was the opposite, being very short, brown and curvy. Eventually, he has admitted he was not sexually turned on and that he almost cheated, but out of love for me he did not. Nevetheless and although, I admired his honestly, it took a toll on my self esteem and I eventually started to cheat. We ended in October.

IMHO, although looks should not be at the top of anyone's list when finding the right partner, being physically attracted to them is a must. Because of this BIG factor, he is not the love of your life. You cannot make yourself find someone attractive if you don't initially feel that way. Perhaps, in the future you will find someone who you find attractive and he on the other end will find someone who think of him in the same light. Goodluck!
 
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Eisani said:
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:funny:
Now that that's out of my system, I will say I understand how you feel. One thing to keep in mind though is looks do eventually fade so there has to be something more to your attraction than just the physical. You obviously have your reasons for loving him, is that enough to get over not being physically attracted to him? How can you want him to be the father of your children if you can't really get into the idea of copulation? Sounds like there are some things to think about. Personally, if I'm not physically attracted to a guy, the rest of the stuff doesn't even really matter. There has to be SOMETHING about him that makes me wanna... even if it's just his smile or dimples (examples). Is there anything about him you like?
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Very well put!
 
I've been there, and I really don't know what to tell you to do. If you tell him about your indiscretion, the decision may not be up to you anymore.

With my ex, I was there. I was in love with him, wanted to bear his children, we meshed SO well. There were times where we fought, I mean big blow outs, but things always pieced back together because we were that passionate about each other. Unfortunately, when it came to doing the do, I couldn't stand it! I dreaded it with every fiber of my being. I felt dirty every single time. I have NO idea why, because I love sex and he's so dayum fine. I had to leave him alone because it was something I just couldn't get past. I still to this day have to keep myself from calling cause I miss him that much. I have to snap myself back into reality by thinking about my lack of sexual attraction.

Still, I don't want to be the one to tell you to leave, because you may not feel as strongly as I did. Just want you to know you're not alone in how you feel.​
 
I was in the EXACT same situation, but never admitted it to myself until *after* we broke up. I ended up breaking up with him for entirely different reasons, but I met someone who I was truly attracted to, and it was a *completely* different/more enjoyable experience. My advice would be to break it off and look elsewhere, but I think only you would know what's truly right for you.
 
I have always been with guys that have an athletic build and they are so fine you want to:chocbunny:. But this one guy who had my heart was not so athletic I absolutely adore may even been falling in love with. I had to tell myself that weight can be lost and there is so much more about him than that tummy of his. Please laugh because I am laughing at my damn self. I had to find ways to get myself in a freaky mood and even find new techniques of having sex with him since I am so small. We are still a work in progress and we even exercise together. Him trying to loose the tummy makes me like him even more. I hope you find this helpful.
 
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I think you should really do some soul searching. Beauty and fine figures fade away, but friendship lasts forever. I would encourage you to really give this guy a try.

Of course, if you're not to the point where his positive attributes are enough to keep your attention, then you're just not there yet, BUT I would hate for you to look back and regret letting the 'Love of your life' get away.:yep:

Whatever you do, don't tell him about your other guy. Even if you don't want to be with him, don't break his heart by telling him you were with someone else.
 
Some people are able to see past the outward appearance of their would be SO, and others are not. Since his appearance is an issue for you I would say that maybe you should find someone who is more appealing to you. That is if you truly can not get past his looks. I know that there are some people out there that would call this superficial, but we all deserve to do what makes us happy. I don't think that the relationship would be sincere, does he know how you feel about his appearance? If he did know, what would that do to his self esteem ? Just like you deserve to have someone you are attracted to, he deserves to have someone who is attracted to him.
 
Been there. I didn't cheat on the beau that I wasn't attracted to and like another commenter said, I didn't even REALIZE that the chemistry was lacking. I thought something was wrong with me. He was an attractive guy, loved me alot and we would be married now. But, I was not interested in having sex with him. I would always have a 'reason'. I'm tired, he's being pushy, no foreplay, etc. But all along I just wasn't that into him.

I knew that to be true, when I got with the next guy and all of a sudden, I wanted to be with him all of the time. It was like this part of me woke up and I hardly recognized myself. I didn't have 'space' issues anymore, everything was just easy. No more push and pull.

The new guy wasn't better looking necessarily, but I was very attracted to him. I always say that it's not about looks, b/c they do fade. But, when they do, and y'all are old and gray, that attraction doesn't fade.

Let this guy go. He deserves someone that feels butterflys when he touches her and you deserve to be in a rel'ship where you want to get it on as much as you want. If you stay, you both miss out. and don't tell him about your indiscretion. Telling him would only hurt him and there's no need to do that.
 
scorpio70 said:
Been there. I didn't cheat on the beau that I wasn't attracted to and like another commenter said, I didn't even REALIZE that the chemistry was lacking. I thought something was wrong with me. He was an attractive guy, loved me alot and we would be married now. But, I was not interested in having sex with him. I would always have a 'reason'. I'm tired, he's being pushy, no foreplay, etc. But all along I just wasn't that into him.

I knew that to be true, when I got with the next guy and all of a sudden, I wanted to be with him all of the time. It was like this part of me woke up and I hardly recognized myself. I didn't have 'space' issues anymore, everything was just easy. No more push and pull.

The new guy wasn't better looking necessarily, but I was very attracted to him. I always say that it's not about looks, b/c they do fade. But, when they do, and y'all are old and gray, that attraction doesn't fade.

Let this guy go. He deserves someone that feels butterflys when he touches her and you deserve to be in a rel'ship where you want to get it on as much as you want. If you stay, you both miss out. and don't tell him about your indiscretion. Telling him would only hurt him and there's no need to do that.
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Very well put!:yep: There has to be something that attracts you to that person.
The last person I dated, I couldn't stand him touching me. So, I let him go. :ohwell: For me, there has to be an attraction with me and the guy or else I'd be forcing myself to be with him...and that I cannot do. :nono: So let it go...
 
I would leave him now, before it gets too serious....I dated I guy off and on for 8 years that I really wasn't attracted to and we had problems galore because of that. Like you, I could at one point see myself having kids with him, but I didn't want to have sex with him. Honestly i could have gone at least a year without having sex with him. Since our sex life was so bad, we argued all the time. We never kissed or anything. After a while I got resentment built up for him and most of the positive things we did share, just went down the drain....I've lived it and would never go back for all of the money in the world. That's why i say leave now, because the longer you hang around, at least for me, the harder it is to break free and leave, even if you know that things aren't right..... You wanna be with someone that you wanna be intimate with!! It equals less stress and problems.....My new guy now can't even keep up with me!!! (And that's how it should be!! For all of those years I thought that I just wasn't a sexual person, now I know that it was just with him. I actually found out that I'm the opposite, a bit over-sexual!! Maybe it comes from all of those years of unenjoyable sex, and the lack of sex period!!:perplexed LOL!) With him sex was like a chore and it definitely shouldn't be like that....... Contrary to what a lot of people believe, looks really DO matter, and I can strongly attest to that!!!....................(FYI: This guy was not ugly by any means. Most people found him to be really attractive. Women were constantly trying to get with him. He even had a few stalkers at his job...... The whole point is that I wasn't attracted to him. I found him to be a very attractive, handsome guy, but for some strange reason, I just wasn't attracted to him!:perplexed)
 
southie20 said:
I would leave him now, before it gets too serious....I dated I guy off and on for 8 years that I really wasn't attracted to and we had problems galore because of that. Like you, I could at one point see myself having kids with him, but I didn't want to have sex with him. Honestly i could have gone at least a year without having sex with him. Since our sex life was so bad, we argued all the time. We never kissed or anything. After a while I got resentment built up for him and most of the positive things we did share, just went down the drain....I've lived it and would never go back for all of the money in the world. That's why i say leave now, because the longer you hang around, at least for me, the harder it is to break free and leave, even if you know that things aren't right..... You wanna be with someone that you wanna be intimate with!! It equals less stress and problems.....My new guy now can't even keep up with me!!! (And that's how it should be!! For all of those years I thought that I just wasn't a sexual person, now I know that it was just with him. I actually found out that I'm the opposite, a bit over-sexual!! Maybe it comes from all of those years of unenjoyable sex, and the lack of sex period!!:perplexed LOL!) With him sex was like a chore and it definitely shouldn't be like that....... Contrary to what a lot of people believe, looks really DO matter, and I can strongly attest to that!!!....................(FYI: This guy was not ugly by any means. Most people found him to be really attractive. Women were constantly trying to get with him. He even had a few stalkers at his job...... The whole point is that I wasn't attracted to him. I found him to be a very attractive, handsome guy, but for some strange reason, I just wasn't attracted to him!:perplexed)
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Understandable. Attraction is not always physical.
 
scorpio70 said:
Let this guy go. He deserves someone that feels butterflys when he touches her and you deserve to be in a rel'ship where you want to get it on as much as you want. If you stay, you both miss out. and don't tell him about your indiscretion. Telling him would only hurt him and there's no need to do that.
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Co-signing.
........
 
I think you should move on...As people get older things change and looks and regular sex may not be of that importance. But me being 24 and trying to visualize being with a man, and having sex with that Im not attracted to for the rest of my life is not happening.
 
scorpio70 said:
Let this guy go. He deserves someone that feels butterflys when he touches her and you deserve to be in a rel'ship where you want to get it on as much as you want. If you stay, you both miss out. and don't tell him about your indiscretion. Telling him would only hurt him and there's no need to do that.
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I also co-sign with this. Great advice!
 
ok....

I think if you arent attracted to him, then it is time to look somewhere else.

It seems to me that looks are importatnt to u, they are to me as well and I have found myself in that same situation. Looking at a guy who thinks and treats me the best i have ever been treated but is ugly isnt fun. THere were a host of things that this guy did outside of his appearance that made me not attracted to him.He was good to me, but he lacked manners a MAJOR turn off. At the end of the day, you can't picture yourself being initmate with him then it isnt worth it.


I would try to kiss dude and I almost threw up.:look:

THere is nothing wrong with going after what you want. yes he may have some of the qualities you want in a man, but if he doesnt have all of them then why waste the time. You should find ur man attractive, no way around it.. If his looks havvent grown on you by now, they arent gonna...

I would move on
 
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