Being Threatened and Forced to go to Hair Salon

[MikaMikami]

Hello, before I begin I just to go let whomever reads this that this is more of a rant than a plead for help because in the end I know that the only way for this to end is to move out of my parents home and disconect myself from them. Which I can't do till next year if even I can.

So This morning my mom busted into my room yelling at me and telling me that if I didn't go to the hair dresser x,y and z would happen to me. I tried to explain to her (yet again) that I don't like hair dressers, and that my hair would only end up damaged (due to the fact that she wanted me to either relax my hair or straighten it in some way) but she proceded to get even angrier at me and started calling me all sorts of names and telling me that if I didn't go people would start calling me bad things as well, one name in particular struck me a bit hard even in it's simplicity. "Wiggy The Wig Lady".

Now I've been wearing wigs for almost a year now in order to protect my hair and its worked because when I started wearing them my hair didn't even reach the nape of my neck but as of today its a few centimeters away from APL when stretched. Dispite alot of set backs I've taken such good care of my hair that I can't and won't relinquish that control to anyone. That feeling has only gotten stronger after reading this thread :

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=469798

I feel so bad for the OP and am relating to her so much because I know that if I do step into that salon there will be a physical fight. Embarrassment or no my hair is apart of the beauty factor that I am trying to instill in me. My self esteem is already low and I am actively trying to raise it but alas...My parents....

They say all sorts of bad things that deflate me so much and have prevented me from doing so much in my life. I've lost the will to fight them on most things but my hair is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. I have to do something!

I was taught to always honor and respect my parents but it's kinda hard to do that if they don't respect me.....

Ive been looking into wearing head scarfs instead of wigs but thats so restricting to me. I want to have the feeling of long hair in my face. Wigs are so perfect for me, I can change in the spur of the moment, my hair is happy under them (with a wig cap of course!), I've tried so hard to show my parents all the good things about wigs but I don't know..I give up...

 

[kmn1980]

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm not sure hows old you are but if you're an adult I'd say to take the risk on them putting you out. That hair is on your head and as an adult, you should be able to govern it how you see fit.

I'll say that this sounds deeper than wigs. My mother has disliked a few of my previous hairstyling choices but she's NEVER thrown an all out tantrum over it. So, just remember that it's not about the wigs. It more than likely isn't even about you. Wigs are just the cover up (no pun intended).

 

[MikaMikami]

Im 18 and about to start college ( a community college) in August but I can't sign a lease for an apartment alone where I live/want to live due to lack of credit ratings and also I seriously can not find a job and even if I get one juggling a job to pay rent and dealing with an intensive double major (Bio/Psy) will eventually result in burn out for one or the other for me. Currently Im saving up all my money in an effort to support myself for at least a year and also Im very reluctantly looking for people to room with. To put it lightly I don't share well with people but am willing to try.

kmn1980, Your very right it is deeper that the wigs. This type of behavior from my parents extends to other things as well but right now it wigs. Tomorrow it will be what they think I should wear to church... *sigh*

 

[Ishtar]

Is it possible to get your hair straightened so she won't know the difference. I think you can fool her for a while. Whenever it reverts just say " Time for a new perm."

That is wrong and I know where you're coming from because I was pressured so hard to relax my hair when I was fully natural and had no intentions of relaxing. My hair was a few inches from shoulder length at the time. It was not ordinary pressure. My mom made me feel like I was straight trash because of my hair. Hugs.Sometimes that is all people see.

It took four years of practice and reseach to grow my hair shoulder length. If I was still natural my hair could be MBL by now. I'm now trying to transition when this stressful phase could have been over and done.

Another thought. Get you hair done in braids or weaves to distract her from thinking about the wigs.

 

[Nayna]

Are they paying for this salon experience? If not just tell them you simply cannot afford to keep up with going to the salon weekly or biweekly. If they are paying for it, find the priciest salon possible, let them foot the bill, then see if they will leave your coils in peace.

 

[aileendq]

Unfortunately, I have to agree that this is MUCH deeper than hair. It sounds as if your mother has some serious boundary/control issues. You may have to disconnect, as much as possible, when the time is right.

I no longer speak or have any contact at all with my mother for much the same reason. It has taken me 40 years and years of awful self esteem to figure out that she will never be happy and does not want me to to be happy.

That being said, you may have to suck it up, at least until you are finished with school, to some degree because of your education.

They can't force you to get a relaxer or to get your hair straightened, although she may try. I *strongly* suggest that you start seeing a school counselor (without your parent's knowledge) to deal with the self esteem issues before they begin to interfere with your life to a greater degree. A counselor may be able to help you with coping mechanisms and propping up your self esteem until you can sufficiently disconnect from them.

Wishing you much luck!

 

[Pandoras Box]

"Wiggy The Wig Lady".

im sorry but......

 

[Pandoras Box]

to comment on it all, i feel bad for you and cant imagine my mother calling me names. And my family is pretty thick skinned and jokes about any and everything. but if its something someone is sensitive or self conscious about, we tend to tread lightly. that being said, when i was under her roof, i had to abide by her rules. and that included my hair IF she had an issue with it.

you know your best bet, and that is to move. but unless you plan on cutting them off they are still going to have something to say about it. i too was taught to respect my elders and there is a limit on how much you can fight back, so i guess ultimately you will have to learn to ignore it.

good luck.

 

[RedVelvet310]

*HUG* Eventually they will come around.. you're better than me when I was 18 (two years ago) I BCed at my cousins dorm one day after school... imagine my mothers face, that morning she dropped her daughter off with a "full head of hair" (in reality, damaged, over processed ends) and that night I come home with 1" of natural hair. For a LONGEST time she told me I destroyed my hair (it was already destroyed) ... NOW my hair is APL (yes I'm a slow grower, but I was/am still in the learning process of understanding my natural hair) and she goes through me before purchasing hair products and asks me advice on how to care for her hair and my sisters

 

[hopeful]

I'm so sorry your family isn't supporting your hair goals. Hang in there, this too shall pass. You will be able to be on your own soon enough and things will improve. I wish I could you. Keep praying on it and ask God to help you get through this.

 

[Urban]

Could you possibly write a letter expressing how you feel and let her know that what she's doing is affecting your self-esteem? Maybe she doesn't really realize the extend to which this is hurting you. From what you've written, it seems that your mum is the one that has the biggest problem with your hair, is it possible for you to talk to your dad alone, maybe he'll listen.

 

[Sianna]

OP, I am so sorry that you are not receiving support for your decisions. It is really unfortunate when those closest to you can't, at the very least, respect the decisions you make, especially when they are what is best for you.

However, I would like to ask why it is not possible for you to wear your hair out? I'm sorry if I've missed something somewhere, but it seems that you would want to enjoy the fruits of your labor by wearing your natural hair out. I can understand protecting it from time to time, but to constantly live in wigs seems to defeat the point of growing your own hair. IMO.

Please do not think I am being mean or anything! I am just genuinely curious as to why you seem so reluctant to wear your own hair. Personally, I have never had long hair and so near APL hair is something I would wear out proudly. Also, I wonder if that wouldn't be a middle ground that you and your parents could agree to? You can do all kinds of styles with that length of hair!

 

[Missi]

hope it all works out. BOL

 

[Pamulet]

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. It may be a cultural thing. People used to look negatively on people who wore wigs. I also live in NY and I see women - young and old - everywhere sporting wigs. Have you tried to educate your mother on this new cultural revolution? You also need to work on your self esteem so that what she says doesn't get to you the way it does now. You know your reasons for doing it and you don't need to justify to anyone else but yourself. I understand that you still live at home but if your hair is maintained what is the issue?

I think a lot of older black women have a negative view of natural hair. Their whole lives they thought they had to tame their kinks into submission with chemicals or a hot comb. I am natural - have been since 2006. My family is also west indian and beauty is tied to the hair. When I cut my long relaxed hair off, my grandmother asked what did I do to my hair? Now that it is very curly and grew to almost APL when straightened (I recently cut it back to SL for thickness), everyone loves my hair. I am also a grown woman who hasn't has to answer to anyone for a long time but I understand the negativity you are up against. Maybe it is her own insecurities that she reflects onto you. You need to find it in you to realize that you are fine the way you are. You do not need to fit to someone else's standard of beauty.

Last but not least remember this, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!"

 

[motherpopcorn562]

Thats horrible. I had a mother who disrespected me daily- threw away my clothes- called me names- embarrassed me in front of friends. One time she poured bleach all over me in front of my friends- but I did what I had to do, and became semi-sucessful (lol so far Thank God). Now she realizes she was harsh towards me and she apologizes ( always before asking for something lol)
They may be trying to help you in their own way but dont take it too personal. There are plenty of women who feel similar to you (including me) so never feel alone. But free housing and the promise of a college education outweighs hair IMO.

IMO straightening ( not perm) your hair until you are in a good position to leave their house may be your best bet. Maybe you can find a good stylist or try straightening your hair yourself.

Just my two cents.

 

[Jewell]

OP, I'm very sorry this is happening to you, and I've had similar issues with my mother being overly controlling and trying to force her will upon everyone in the household, much at about the same age as you...which is why I got the Hell out of Dodge as soon as I could, despite the fact that I was in the middle of Nursing school and working having to commute 50 miles away. I had a bestie who had her own place, so I was able to room with her. From there I've made it on my own.

The issue is about control and is much deeper than just hair, as others stated. My mother and family had a prob with me wearing wigs while I was under their roof, they would look at me like I was crazy, now they are used to it, but I'm now 26 and have been out for a long time. I live 3 hrs away out-of-state, and though my mother still obviously has control issues and is highly judgmental and critical, I don't have to deal with it. I only visit and/or call when and if I feel like it. They weren't paying for anything for me, including hair, clothing, car, bills, or education, so they had no right to tell me what to do...getting out just gave me the freedom from drama I needed, and I quite value the fact that I live in another state so that my business is my business, and how I wear my hair is none of their concern.

If you can't move soon, like by summer, just continue to save your money, plot your move, then bounce when the time is right. You can still make it without them if you find and use the correct resources. Student loans and grants are avail so that you don't have to put up with them solely because they're paying for your education. I put myself through college all these years; I am raising my toddler daughter on my own, so it can be done by someone whose only responsibility is themselves. I saved my money when I was your age, worked, went to school, and then when I found the right place, I signed a lease and moved. I'd built up good credit while I worked by getting a small credit card and paying on time, and also by making early payments to my student loans (eventhough I was still in school and they were deferred, I paid some money towards them).

I didn't say anything to anyone, I just looked and made my plans, so when I found the perfect little apartment and got a storage unit, they just saw me moving stuff out of the house, and knew what was up. Focus, and it can be done if you will it. If the wigs are the main point of contention, try calmly explaining your hair care goals and techniques for growing it out to your mom. Maybe she'll understand. If not, you can look up alternate ways to style it (like rollersetting) that will give you a nice look but not put too much stress on the hair, allowing you to keep it healthy. If you can't rollerset, do they like braids with extensions or kinky twists? If those aren't an option, then I'd keep the wigs and tell 'em that you tried to compromise with styles and still stay out of the salon.

I'll always be wary of salons simply due to my own experiences, but also b/c I just had a neighbor with BSl natural hair who got a sew-in; when she went to wash it out, her hair ended up in matts that can't be removed, some so close to the scalp that the hair will have to be cut to 1/2" in those places. It's a shame, but I know the stylist sabotaged her by allowing glue to get on the braids of the hair, and even my neighbor said she felt like something was up AFTER the stylist finished. The stylist applied a sew-in without putting a net or wig/weaving cap over the hair before sewing the tracks on and bonding the middle top portion with glue (full head sew-in). That was probably done on purpose, because this person is licensed. I definitely understand your apprehension!

 

[*CherryPie*]

very good advice.

Thats horrible. I had a mother who disrespected me daily- threw away my clothes- called me names- embarrassed me in front of friends. One time she poured bleach all over me in front of my friends- but I did what I had to do, and became semi-sucessful (lol so far Thank God). Now she realizes she was harsh towards me and she apologizes ( always before asking for something lol)
They may be trying to help you in their own way but dont take it too personal. There are plenty of women who feel similar to you (including me) so never feel alone. But free housing and the promise of a college education outweighs hair IMO.

IMO straightening ( not perm) your hair until you are in a good position to leave their house may be your best bet. Maybe you can find a good stylist or try straightening your hair yourself.

Just my two cents.