Would you tell your parent?

dancinstallion

dancinstallion

Well-Known Member
Would you tell your mother that her grandchild died?

If the child was your nephew and your sister/child's mom didn't tell your mother would you tell?

The 24 year old grandchild died the summer of 2020 more than likely from drug overdose. The mom didn't tell anyone the official autopsy report and lied about him dying with heart related issue like her brother. (Neither her brother nor her son died of heart related issues btw)

The grandfather was on his deathbed at the time of the grandchild's passing so the daughter didn't want to burden her parents with the news of his passing so she didn't tell them.

None of the aunts and uncles broke the news to their mom so everyone is acting like nothing happened.

Well the grandmother always asks her kids about her grandchildren and everyone tells her that everyone is doing fine even when she asks specifically about him she is told that he is doing just fine. Grandma has noticed that he doesn't call her and that she hasn't seen him or his sister in a long time. When she finally spoke to his sister, the sister said her brother is doing very well.

Grandma told her son dh today that she hasn't heard from the deceased grandchild in a very long time and he would be the one to always call her and come to visit her (even if she is out of the country) no matter where she is. Dh didn't know how to respond and got off of the phone. Dh doesn't feel like it is his place to say anything.
The grandma is around 78-80 yrs old and fairly healthy.


I can't stand my in-laws. They used to try to act like a close nit family but they are so damn fake and phony.
 
That's super weird. If she asked me directly I would tell her but I'd be ok with them not liking me. Only you can decide if it's worth whatever drama it may cause with DH. DH should've told her. It's obvious that his sister isn't gonna say anything so now everyone is complicit in lying to her until she basically dies. That's horrible.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
That's super weird. If she asked me directly I would tell her but I'd be ok with them not liking me. Only you can decide if it's worth whatever drama it may cause with DH. DH should've told her. It's obvious that his sister isn't gonna say anything so now everyone is complicit in lying to her until she basically dies. That's horrible.
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I think it is horrible too. If they would have told her when it happened then she would be over it by now like everyone else is basically. The grandma has dealt with death before a couple of times so I am not sure why they are doing this. Possibly out of embarrassment.

Dh keeps telling me not say anything. I don't talk to them anymore and I don't want them in my house either so I dont have the opportunityto tell her and I probably wouldnt because it doesnt involve me. His mom may come to visit but I will make sure I have a vacation planned so I won't be here.
 
Transformer said:
What is their end game here? At some point she needs to “kill him off” by some method like COVID.
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They don't have an end game. That would have been perfect to say covid back then.

It was an interesting time because my coworker's son and another coworkers best friend's son died that same week in different states all from over doses. All of the young men were in the same age range and died days apart from eachother. I was wondering how ironic and how often is this happening? I had to keep making sure we weren't talking about the same person. That quarantine really got to people.


I still belive in things happening in three's and there were 3 overdoses that I was aware of.
 
If asked I would tell as that was and is her grandchild. OD’s are on the rise because the humidity plight wasn’t designed for so much suffering. Also people who were off seeking relief try to use what they had a tolerance for and try it again after some time and have no tolerance. It’s heartbreaking to hear
 
This story makes me think of the movie, “Good Bye, Lenin!” The mom in the film, a staunch party supporter, went into a coma just before the fall of the Berlin Wall, and woke up months later. Her son went through outlandishly elaborate efforts to keep her from finding out that anything had changed, to prevent the shock that might cause a heart attack. It was ludicrous, and everyone else grew so frustrated with both the son and the situation. But he never wavered, and the mom eventually died without ever finding out. Great premise for a movie, but absolutely ridiculous in real life.

It’s one thing when someone with dementia isn’t told the truth, but other than dementia or being on one’s deathbed, keeping someone’s death a secret is inexcusable. My culture has a thing about not telling pregnant women about deaths in a timely manner. When I was pregnant, I was furious to learn about the death of a family friend on an online newspaper, weeks after it happened and everyone else already knew, but didn’t tell me. This is so much worse, and I would guess that the grandmother already suspects the truth on some level.
 
Woooow… this is so awful. It’s one thing to not inform her right away, but to then lie to and gaslight her for almost 3 years?? This is unforgivable. The grandmother knows something is not right. That’s why she keeps asking about it. She’s old, not an idiot. She knows that his presence is gone.

Now once she finds out she’s going to have to suffer the news of his death, and grieve alone, cause everyone else has already move on. And she’ll be traumatized from being betrayed by everyone she knows. And her “loved ones” who lied directly and those who feel it’s “not their place” are all complicit…

Is everyone just counting the days until she dies, so they can be free of this lie? Poor woman. :smh:

To answer the question. Yes, I would have told her. I don’t tell lies. And I don’t live lies.
 
If it was my mother I would encourage my sister to tell the truth, and if she doesn’t tell the truth then I would have told my mother. If it was just my mother in law, I wouldn’t say a thing. I wouldn’t want to get involved with my husband’s family secret. His family could end up resenting you. It’s sad that they are keeping this secret from her. It seems like she was close to the grandchild.

Has anyone ever died from hearing bad news? I think what’s going to hurt worse than the death is the fact that he’s been dead for so long and they’ve been lying to her. I think the family should tell her, but I would make it seem like he recently passed. She may put two and two together though and realize he died a long time ago.
 
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This is painful in so many ways because if she thinks the grandchild is still alive, then she's wondering why they haven't been in contact. If she thinks something's wrong, then she's wondering how bad it is for no one to tell her. Keeping the secret is harming the family as well, everytime yall lie (in the guise of protecting her), yall give her hope and grief simultaneously. It's time to fess up and tell the truth.
 
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I can understand not saying something while the grandfather was on his deathbed, but why hold on to it for so long? That’s so disrespectful.

I would definitely say something if asked or if she ever mentioned it around me. I wouldn’t bring it up on my own, though, unless it was my blood family or she & I were that kind of close (doesn’t seem like you are). So then I’d know she wouldn’t say anything or say who told her if I asked her not to.

Encourage DH to say something.
 
This is such a sad situation. And shows how we create our own problems. I couldn't in good conscious lie about someone having died if asked point blank how they are doing. Especially not to my own mother. To be respectful to the other family members, I would let them know after the first lie, that they have # of days before I have the conversation. But there is no way I would repeatedly be lying to my own mother about something like this unless a physician said it was medically necessary. But I can see how family culture comes in to play. In my family, we just state the painful truth and keep it pushing. That sucks for your DH.

The one thing I find interesting about this situation is the fact that they think the 75 year old can't handle the death. My mom is 74, and all of her friends and my aunts are in the age range. They handle death better than anyone I know. By 75 you've buried so many (friends, spouses, family, classmates, community members) that death is no longer foreign. They have coping skills to process, even the tragedies. Do you think the grandma emotionally can't handle it? Or is it the shame of how he passed that they can't handle?
 
wow, someone needs to tell her but I can understand you feeling like it not your place.

I have a similar family situation where a relative thinks that the person she has known as her father is really not. He signed for her and he knew that 'Suzy' wasn't his child, treated her like his child left her an inheritance same as he did his biological children, all her siblings know it (excluding the children from a previous relationship) and no one including mom would say anything, she is now in her mid thirties with children of her own and still doesn't know.
 
silverbuttons said:
they don’t seem to respect their mother. I would tell her.
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They are treating her like a child. Does she handle bad news well? What functioning adult keeps asking about someone and not find out for themselves, if they are truly concerned? This should give a clear indication of how things would be handled if it happened to one of them. They are a family of secrets.
 
Evolving78 said:
They are treating her like a child. Does she handle bad news well? What functioning adult keeps asking about someone and not find out for themselves, if they are truly concerned? This should give a clear indication of how things would be handled if it happened to one of them. They are a family of secrets.
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The average 75 year old isn't gonna think to google obituaries (they tend to not be too tech savvy as a generation) and she's too far removed to start calling random hospitals. She knows something is off but probably hasn't looked into because the idea that her family would lie to her about something like this has never crossed her mind.
 
Black Ambrosia said:
The average 75 year old isn't gonna think to google obituaries (they tend to not be too tech savvy as a generation) and she's too far removed to start calling random hospitals. She knows something is off but probably hasn't looked into because the idea that her family would lie to her about something like this has never crossed her mind.
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I disagree they stay being extra mouthy and confrontational on these neighborhood apps! One of them are on there right now selling her church hats! Lol
 
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No she is not tech savvy at all. Yes she was very mouthy even 10 years ago but she has slowed down. But she is almost 80 not 75.
She still gets around well though. She doesn't use Google or anything.

The old people I know in that age range won't think to search online about their grandchild because they have a suspicion that they are being lied too. It wouldn't cross their mind that it would come to this.
She talks on the phone a lot still.
She still helps with all of the youngest grandkids and now great grandkids so they keep her busy.

There is really no way for her to find out unless someone tells her.

Yes she handles death well. Of course she cried and carried on when family members died but I think that is expected.
 
:eek: That is weird A.F. The only reason I see valid for concealing the death of a close relative is if the elder is super ill or has Alzheimer's and would only relive the emotion every time they are told...but you said nothing's wrong with her. :perplexed: People live well into their 90s and beyond these days. Do they think she doesn't know how to deal with death at her ripe age? The bad thing is, it really isn't your place to say anything but man, I'd look at my dh sooooo differently. I hate to say that too, but I'd for sure want to ease away from all of them for cosigning on that level of dysfunction. What in the world else are they hiding? No ma'am.
 
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