Would you date/marry a man who had been sexuly abused in the past?

[SincerelyJane]

Would you date/marry a man who had been sexually abused in the past?

Would you date or marry a guy who had been sexually abused as a child? What if the abuse had led to him engaging in risky behavior as an adolescent (promiscuous behavior or maybe even sex with men), but he had now resolved those issues.

Are you cool with that or would you be concerned that his childhood issues would end up negatively impacted your relationship/marriage?

What are your thoughts? How would you advise a friend in this situation?

 

[hopeful]

I wouldn't advise someone on this. It's too deep IMO. I would suggest she do her own research on the impact of child abuse on adults and maybe suggest they do joint counseling to be sure the issues are resolved. Other than that I'd stay out of it. The guy could possibly make a wonderful husband or he could be deeply troubled. You never know.

 

[LiftedUp]

I would advise a friend in this situation to do her own research and probably get direct information/advice from a counselor who deals with this type of issue. She needs to know how it affected him, affects him and will affect him, realize how this can impact her relationship in the present and in the future, especially if they decide to start a family of their own.

Answering the question, no, I will not date a man who went through this. It is not a situation that I will be able to handle.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I would hate to tell to a person to just never date abuse victims. It seems unfair because not this fault they were victimized. I have talked to quite a few people who experienced it, and you can tell they feel like they were damaged and I hate to hear that. You want to empower them to rise above their situation, but it's like the world won't let them. It seems like the world does view them as damaged goods .

And I know it's not something any of us would ideally look for in a partner, of course, but there are a lot of people. Sometimes I feel like men get the short end of the stick in this area because as a society we are more understand and supporting of women who have experienced this, and not men.

I would like to think I would, but haven't been presented with that situation yet.

 

[preciouslove0x]

I would tell the friend to pray on it and seek professional advice. I wouldn't say one more word on it.

For me personally. I would never. Child sexual abuse profoundly affects a person in their adulthood. Even in the smallest of the smallest ways. I wouldn't have the energy or patience to work through the issues to come.

This is off topic but I dated someone for a short period that grew up in a foster home. He had up to 12 siblings at one point. He was the SWEETEST guy I ever met. But only after three dates some of his issues manifested in the strangest situations. That's all ill say on that though.

 

[deltagyrl]

I wouldn't.

 

[lux10023]

prior to dh i was engaged to a great man...tall handsome brotha very kind loving intelligent successful...and all the bells and whistles... our lives were set to be picture perfect

things were great but then we had been bumping heads and going thru the motions and it was odd i was like where is this coming form and he broke down and told me he has been sexually molested as a child...you would never ever know that from the way he carried himself very confident and strong and etc etc

but it really affected him in many ways...as i began to pay attention i realized that this issue was deeper than i thought and for awhile i stuck by him and we did the therapy/counseling for months and etc but he confessed he never really loved himself and that is why although he always proclaimed he loved me- i knew in my heart this is something he has to come to terms with and getting married the following yr wouldn't be the best thing for him or i

anyhooo..we parted ways and he reached out to me yrs later and stated he finally got closure and the help he truly needed...and wish he wouldve done that a long time ago such that it wouldnt have affected our union- i told him i was happy he got the help he needed, he was a good man to me

i didnt know and had no idea--he was my strength my rock at the time--but Im glad he told me because it was something he hadnt told anyone

anyhooo...it is something that the person has to really have sought the proper counseling and addressed such that it doesnt seep into other areas of their life--that is something that is very traumatic so i know it is hard to deal with for a person and it takes time to heal

I would tell the friend to pray on it and seek professional advice. I wouldn't say one more word on it.

For me personally. I would never. Child sexual abuse profoundly affects a person in their adulthood. Even in the smallest of the smallest ways. I wouldn't have the energy or patience to work through the issues to come.

This is off topic but I dated someone for a short period that grew up in a foster home. He had up to 12 siblings at one point. He was the SWEETEST guy I ever met. But only after three dates some of his issues manifested in the strangest situations. That's all ill say on that though.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Resolved how? With therapy or just came to terms and is living with it?

A friend is dating a woman who has all sorts of childhood drama and it plays out in her relationship with her family, her ex and her child. She held on to a crappy guy for many years (they have a kid) because of childhood family issues and the new guy, my friend, got her into therapy. I personally think he needs to leave her alone until she is done with therapy but he is dating her during the process.

If he had not resolved his issues with therapy or some kind of counseling, I would advise a friend to leave him alone for a while so he could get counseling.

 

[Phoenix14]

I have a very close friend who suffered through abuse as a child and he's tried to take our friendship to another level. Honestly, he's a great guy but despite his years of therapy his issues manifests itself so much, especially when you know him as well as I do. He has incredibly high, almost unattainable, standards for his SO, is incredibly clingy and will drop someone in a second if he's upset with them. I've witnessing him dropping his own best friend of years for simply moving across the country to another state. He disowned him and then began a (seemingly inappropriate to me) friendship with his friend's ex-girlfriend. To this day, two years later, he hasn't spoken to his boy but is damn near about to start a business with the ex-girlfriend.

I love him as a friend but I would never trust him with my heart, and at the end of the day isn't that what it's all about?

 

[BlueEra]

I don't know if/how I could advise a friend in regards to that situation. However, I could share my own personal experience in order to at least give her some insight.

I had a relationship with a guy many years ago, where I found very early in that he and his sister were both sexually abused by their own father while growing up...very sick and disturbing. Neither one ever sought therapy for what happened to them, and he seemed to have to deep issues that he was dealing with that I could not handle, and so we parted ways.

There was another guy that I was involved with where I suspected that something may have happened to him as well, but I can't be for certain, yet certain behaviors are very questionable.

 

[naija24]

many of us probably have and never knew because men rarely talk about that stuff. If a man does confide in me that sort of information, I'd be loving and supportive to the extent that I can.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

Knowingly no. People that have been sexually abused or assaulted usually have a lot of issues within relationships. That isn't me being judgmental, but I wouldn't be strong enough to deal with it.

 

[jsmile7]

What are some of the ways these issues might affect a man's romantic relationships? I've known women who were abused as children but I wonder if there's a difference when the victim is male. Also, does it make a difference if the abuser/s were only women?

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

What are some of the ways these issues might affect a man's romantic relationships? I've known women who were abused as children but I wonder if there's a difference when the victim is male. Also, does it make a difference if the abuser/s were only women?

I imagine the issues would be similar to women that have been assaulted. Difficultly trusting people, emotionally unavailable and having triggers to certain things.

 

[SincerelyJane]

many of us probably have and never knew because men rarely talk about that stuff. If a man does confide in me that sort of information, I'd be loving and supportive to the extent that I can.

^^ This. It's why I'm hesitant to just say don't date this person. I think if more of us were more understanding we would hear about more of these cases. The main reason why I think thats important is that increased awareness about prevalence would give us a higher index of suspicion andmake us more inclined to protect our kids. It's not always the sketchy boyfriend.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

I tried but it didn't work. We were in our 20s. He told me he had been abused by his uncle, that he "had been bisexual" and that he loved me and wanted to be exclusive with me all in the same night. We had never been intimate, but he thought we were heading that way and he said he wanted to be completely honest with me. He said this is something he's ready to deal with now. That I made him want to fix what was broken. We both cried. I think he was having a breakthrough while I was having a breakdown. I told him I needed a few days to think, but I already knew...

For about a week, we were still enjoying each other's company, ignoring the elephant in the room. One night, we were at a restaurant, and some of his male friends came over to our table. When he introduced them - one in particular, I was instantly suspicious of their relationship. I didn't say anything. Pretty much every man he made eye contact with after that made me a little antsy. I knew it was doomed. I couldn't imagine living like that -- putting so much of my mental energy into someone else's possible failings. I couldn't imagine having a son with him, then being afraid to leave them alone together. I had outrageous worst-case-scenario thoughts running through my head. All I could think about was "that wasn't a confession he told you, it was a warning." I just knew I wasn't the one for him. I never said this to him, but truthfully, at that time, I didn't have any faith that he could be repaired. My fault, not his. I loved him with all my heart, especially for his integrity, but I had to let him go. I told him we could be friends, but he said he needed more.

Seventeen years later, we run into each other every now and then. He has been in some kind of therapy to address his abuse and its "residue" on his sex life. He finished law school and is a very successful (alpha male!) attorney, married (to a woman) and they have a daughter. I'm extremely happy for him -- downright PROUD of him for all he has accomplished in life. Still, I know I couldn't have been the one to help him get there.

 

[prettynatural]

Having a history of SA is not an automatic no but unresolved issues from it, no counseling or therapy to get past it will get an automatic no from me. Most victims never, ever abuse other children so I am not "worried" about that but if he has unresolved issues it would not be a healthy relationship for me to partake of.

 

[barbiesocialite]

No. never. not under any circumstances.

 

[SincerelyJane]

I appreciate all the honest answers. Especially from the women who shared their stories. I think I would, but of course it depends on the person, and what other issues they're bringing. If it was something I felt like I couldn't handle, I would see how he felt about couples counseling.

 

[nlamr2013]

As bad as it makes me feel, I'm going to go with no. There's really no way to know if those issues are fully gone.