Thoughts on interracial dating.

[mischka]

DISCLAIMER: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE DON'T HARASS ME. If you don't want to date interracially, this post is not for you and we don't need to debate why. Let's just accept each other's differences. Nor is this some kind of definitive how to, nor do my observations apply to everyone on the face of the earth, nor do I know everything there is to know about IR dating. I am just opening discussion with an examination of my experiences and how things worked out for me, and allowing others to accept or reject as they see fit.

This is not a worship non-black men post, this is not a dog black men post, this is not a desperate women post, this is not a settling not settling post, or anything like that. This is just a discussion of INTERRACIAL DATING and NO NEED TO BE WANKY ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF INTERRACIAL DATING.

Like, please don't act like a jerk to me about this post

Ok.

First, I need to say something about why I think a lot of black women may want to date interracially but are hesitant to do so. A lot of us may think that non-black men are not actually interested in us or the way we look (typical black features). To that, all I want to offer is in general it's best not to conform to negative stereotypes. For example, as PC as possible, if you are part of one culture where it's okay to be overweight to the point of obesity, you are going to encounter obstacles entering another culture where skinniness is prized. I say that to mean, yes you want a man to want you for you individually, but you are just going to have to accept that generally the standard of beauty is different from culture to culture and if you want to enter another one, you can't rage against the machine on that. Either accept it or don't bother.

That said, I don't think it's worth worrying over whether your appearance as a black woman is a problem for non-black men who are open to IRD. In my experience, they want to date bw because they like the way bw look, so you in all your glory is enough. But even so, typically, you should try to be healthy and fit. That's to put it nicely because I don't want people wanking in here, but seriously, first things first, address that.

Opinion alert: my personal thoughts on the matter is that it is easier to appear approachable to non black men if you are fit/thin and if you have natural hair. I also believe NBM prefer darker skinned black women. As far as the natural hair thing, to me it seems as if natural hair is a clue or sign of higher consciousness or education or career advancement and agree or not I think NBM may interpret it that way.

Ok now that we've got the physical stuff out of the way, I have to tell you that I was never around NBM socially to even consider dating them for a long time. I'm also from what you might describe as "the hood" though I've never been a "hood" type, but I look black; I "talk" black (despite my vast vocabulary and advanced knowledge of grammar, I don't affect a valley girl accent, nor a "proper"/posh accent, and I can devolve into slang at a moment's notice), I like a lot of rap, my figure is vaguely ethnic, etc. So I am not whitewashed at all like you might think a lot of women are who exclusively date NBM (I don't exclusively date NBM).

So for me it's been a process. I've had to learn how it works, what the social cues are, and how to advance it. I'm talking too much so let me tell you what I've learned...

 

[mischka]

1. The biggest thing is going to be, you have to have a diverse social circle. If you don't have a circle of friends that includes NBM, you are really limiting your opportunities. The easiest way to meet and get to know NBM is going to be accessibility. First of all, non-black cultures do not meet in a lot of the ways that we meet. We are used to and accept meeting potential suitors as complete strangers off the street. NBM, white men particularly, generally do not do this. It will happen from time to time, but it's not the norm, it's not accepted, and it's not the route that's usually taken. So if you're waiting for NBM to approach you on the street, you're taking the long route. The easiest thing is going to be your friends. If you have NB friends, the men come with it. I have about 3 white chicks that I hang with socially and personally, and it makes a difference. Even just going out with NB friends is a sign that you are open to IRD, and this will make you more approachable.

2. You need to have hobbies and interests outside of work and family. For me it's less about an interest in non black men and more about an interest in cultured, educated type social circles and in this way your interests and experiences have to reflect that. One thing I found particularly relevant to sending the right signals is an appreciation of wine (and as a bonus, wine is fantastic ). If you cook, you may want to have an interest in other types of food beyond soul food (again, my goal here is in more eclectic interests, not rejecting blackness in any way). You can't be expressing the opinion that you have no interest in traveling and seeing the world. White men love to travel and "experience" (appropriate or exoticize) other parts of the world. You might want to cultivate an interest in fitness and health (which you should be doing anyway). A lot of the types of men I am interested in have it in common that they lean toward healthy living - vegetarianism or veganism, yoga, biking, running, etc. These were things I was interested in anyway, but you have to familiarize yourself with certain lifestyle orientations because likely the men in question will probably lean that way. A lot of these men are very political, and/or very liberal, so you want to be knowledgeable about politics. There has to be shared interests - it so happens I have this in common with the specific type of men I'm interested in, and so it benefits me to make sure I am very familiar with these things.

3. Social cues are different. NBM are generally not gonna run up on you in the street so how do you converse with them? I have noticed that if he is talking to you about a bunch of random crap, he is expressing interest. If he had no interest, he would not prolong the conversation and would discourage further contact. Idk if it's specific to the IR aspect or not, but I find that NBM are not going to lead you on if they have no interest romantically, so prolonged contact is a good sign. Also be mindful of innocuous touches - that is another sign of interest. But if you are looking for him to outright express interest, you are setting yourself up to miss the opportunity, because it takes forever and most of the time it doesn't happen so straightforwardly. NBM (white men particularly as this is where most of my experience has been) will have repeated contact with you before anything romantic comes up. Heed romantic comedies. It's a lot like that - missing each other for 10 years at a time then meeting again and saying how he knew then he was probably in love with you but didn't act on it. It's a lot like that - it isn't the same thing like when you meet a black guy and it's immediately like "I'm interested in you sexually/romantically, lemme get your phone number." So you have to be prepared to be patient because that's just how courting goes (socially, at least. Not when you meet with the specific purpose of dating).

4. Interests are different, and by expressing yours in theirs, you show you are a potential romantic interest. This one is mostly applicable to internet dating. But if you want NBM to contact you you have to express interest in things that are common to them, not just interest in things that are common in black culture. For example white dudes love playing instruments and forming bands. It speaks to their souls. A lot of the types of guys I like have weird musical interests. So I display my interest in weird bands like Crystal Castles, Sleigh Bells, MGMT, Phoenix, Kings of Leon, Daft Punk, etc, etc. Again this works for me because it's what I actually like. It's not about faking interest in white culture, it's about letting similar interests be known. If you are trying to do this, be current. Don't list classic rock like Kiss, Nirvana, Goo Goo Dolls, and sh*t like that. It might seem petty, but people pick up on that stuff That would be like a white dude trying to date a black chick saying he likes rap; and then lists Kool Moe D and Run DMC. You see how I mean? Don't fake common interests if they aren't there, but it's good to have common interests.

5. Where should you go, socially? Guess what... NBM love DIVE BARS. In black culture, we generally tend to favor dance clubs, in white culture the watering hole is a bar. So find out what the neighborhood bars are and start going there. Those hobbies that I suggested you get, you are also going to have to spend them developing them. This means hanging out at the rock climbing... club... place, or the classes at the gym (very different from just being at the gym), or wine tastings, baseball game, cooking classes, art classes, sports leagues, golf clubs, country clubs, hell... the opportunities are endless. All that "go to the museum or the art gallery" is good, but general advice; it comes more naturally when you are developing a hobby.

6. This is a big one but your lifestyle is going to reflect on you and determine how easy or difficult this entire process is going to be. If you have a certain job, things are probably going to be easier. If you have a certain disposition or image, things are probably going to be easier. For example if you wear a lot of "urban" looking outfits, that may make you less approachable. If you work at a store, they may manifest itself in having less common interests with a different type of guy. I really don't want to phrase it like this but generally you are going to have to show, physically and through your lifestyle, that you are open to the wider world out there. Let's put it that way. Basically, you want to be interesting, which means having a wide variety of skills and hobbies, and you want to be fun, and versatile, and different.

7. You may want to dress in a more feminine manner. True story: when I went to class in grad school the student buses would be extremely crowded all the damn time, and some of the time dudes would walk right in front of me and I had to wait in line like a peon. Once it got warm and I started wearing dresses, men would back off and let me go first. EVERY TIME. ALL OF THEM. The more you look like a lady the more you are treated like a lady :scratchch. You are more noticeable in a pretty girly dress, and guess what you are more feminine. More feminine is a plus. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Put your best foot forward in being sugar and spice and everything nice.

8. Um, try to never swivel your neck and hold up one finger while ranting. That's all I'm gonna say about that too.

In general, you don't have to "do" anything in particular. What I want to emphasize is a.) you mostly want to telegraph your openness to IRD and b.) you want to have things in common and c.) you want to be noticed. Nobody's saying be something you're not, fake it, be really whitewashed, be phony, or try hard. What I mostly learned was that it's all about the social cues, and the social cues are different because the culture is different. Being mindful of that has made the conscious switch pretty seamless.

 

[january noir]

In general, you don't have to "do" anything in particular. What I want to emphasize is a.) you mostly want to telegraph your openness to IRD and b.) you want to have things in common and c.) you want to be noticed. Nobody's saying be something you're not, fake it, be really whitewashed, be phony, or try hard. What I mostly learned was that it's all about the social cues, and the social cues are different because the culture is different. Being mindful of that has made the conscious switch pretty seamless.

As a woman who has dated interracially for over 30 years, this paragraph right here is "it" in a nutshell.

 

[mstrublvr]

I get it. Basically be open to it, be available and have shared interests. I actually do love my classic rock lol...there is more Zeppelin and Green Day than the new stuff on my ipod. Current music regardless the genre is not as good to me. I think my only problem is I am "hiding my light under a bush" so to speak. Besides the white coworkers or the ones at my concerts that I take my guitarhero son to, I am not as available..or I am always with my son and he is a bit intimidating at 6'5, 280 to guys black or white or other..hmmm gotta find some white chick friends lol

Sent from my ADR6300 using ADR6300

 

[mischka]

I'm going for a run; please don't wank while I'm gone

 

[TRUKARISMA]

i like! very interesting.

 

[UrbainChic]

Just want to say i enjoyed reading all your thoughts on this topic but i am too exhausted to write anything. Will participate more when my brain works again.

 

[lushcoils]

Thanks for breaking it down. For some reason, many of these IR dating topics with non-latino nbm made it seem like it's normal for them (more specifically the younger nbm) to express interest to the average black woman instantly (if alcohol isn't involved). I'm always like, where they do that at? But this makes a little more sense... I know some are going to say that stranger wm approach them randomly on the street, grocery stores, etc all the time, but is this the exception to the rule?

I'll probably post more later. I need to gather my thoughts.

And um, I like the Goo Goo Dolls.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

You are so funny. I'll be back with my thoughts when I reach a bigger screen. YOU ALREADY KNOW I get down.


Sending BeautifulFlowers from my iPhone

 

[Windsy]

I don't get down but I must say that when I was asked it out it was after having discussions about being a foreing person in America.

He was Asian and came here as a child; we started talking because of a Law that trying to be put into effect and it went on from there; we would spend our lunch time talking and even IM each other.

When he asked me out I had to let him know that I was in a relationship but that didn't stop our talks. He has since met a young lady from Nigeria and is very happy.

I guess my tip would be to find a commonality and go fron there. I think the key is to show that you are approachable by them.

 

[Nelli04]

You broke it down very well (great advice!)...so are you asking what we think about it, our experiences??

well..My thoughts on interracial dating...
I want to start off by saying I see NOTHING wrong with IR dating, but I have issue with me being in an IRR.
I never thought IR dating was an option for me, even as a little girl when I first moved to a predominately white town. Even though growing up I knew I was not what the few black guys in the area want (I was very skinny, shy, and very proper) I still was waiting for the black boy/man of my dreams to sweep me off my feet. Well fast forward to now and I never met him!

So now I am still living in this predominately white area, and still waiting for the perfect black man to cross paths with me. Well, I have been interested in white guys before, even liked NSYNC, but I would never act on it...I wouldn't allow myself.
But it has been heavy on my mind recently. Black people only make up 6% of the population in CA and I don't see myself leaving any time soon. On top of that, the area I live in only has spots of black people in it. Whenever I discuss dating with my friends (black and non- black) they always assume I like white guys and not black guys...because of the way I 'act' and 'carry myself'--whatever that means. And they say it so casually, like it is a normal thing. So I do not understand why I still feel like it is NOT okay, for me. But realistically, I am attracted to white guys (not exclusively of course), but I just have to let myself open up to the possibility of dating one.

I'll be lurking this thread, maybe it'll help me build up the courage to take the first step into interracial dating and actually go on a date

 

[kupenda]

This is a great thread! I feel like the exception but in a diff way. I grew up with white kids, asians, and other upper middle class black kids. I didn't hear slang unless i snuck to watch MTV or vh1. When I was introduced to "black" kids, it was awful. They were very mean and hateful. I began to dislike black people of a certain socioeconomic status. I avoided them. And still do honestly. Somehow it always turns bad. But anyway. I've only dated black guys. And I'm a bit sad abt that. Because when I learned how to date and deal with males, I got most of my practice with grown black men trying to "holla". I have yet to be approached by NB men. But now I know that NB men aren't quick to approach you, they look for common interests. This should be fun


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[BeautifulFlower]

First, I do not date any race exclusive. I kiss the rainbow and I accept the cultural differences as I experience them. That being said...My thoughts:

Physical Appearance
100% agree. Being fit helps a LOT. I currently have a romantic interest with a NBM and he thinks I have the "perfect" body and I KNOW (even though he lies and says he was trying to get out and network ) I know my figure had 70% of the reason he approached me. I have always known white men in particular prefer petite, slim, trim though I have seen white male date and marry fuller figures. But it does depend on the man in question. My interest works out daily and eats healthy so he prefers a fit body on his woman. Though its not as common with his race or other races he has dated, having a bigger behind is definitely a turn ON. However....

Blogs like Just Like Me Couples and Black Female Interracial Marriage show me they embrace light/dark, big/small, short/tall.

Hair, I wouldn't say they prefer natural hair. I would say they prefer no weaves. They don't do the artificial hair thing too well. Even if you have short hair, they want to see that hair. They believe you are your must beautiful without the extras.

Attire and Demeanor
100% agree. Dresses help alot. BUT Men in general love feminine and happy looking women. Its their weakness. I have white, black, latino men always complimenting me at work or at the gym when I am dressed well and my natural smiley self. It really helps the 'magic'.

I do notice though his comments about wanting a stronger minded woman. I think this is something he felt he lacked in previous dating relationships (dating only white or asian women). Though I know there are plenty strength in white, asian, latino women, they are not known for their " mental strength". I know black women are known for our "strength" so this "cultural" attribute about us I think they tend to look for and fully embrace. But they don't want it with a side of ghetto hood girl. They want your strength but they want you sweet as sugar and feminine to a T most of all.

Location, Location, Location
Being in an environment with non-blacks helps tremendously with meeting more non-black men. Though I probably don't do it enough socially. I certainly will start and not for the men but because I am a diversity junkie.

I met my current interest at a professional leadership conference (predominately white males). We were in the same class all week but I didn't notice him. He sat beside me on the bus as we were going to the museum with the other 600+ people from the conference. I thought it was random chance I had a seat next to me open and he decided to sit there. We talked on the bus, we walked around together at the museum and we hung out all the next night at the local bar. I found out a year later I was targeted. LMAO. I had no idea. I figured he thought I was cute but thats about it. I'm glad he did approach me

Approaching Style
100% agree. They are not as aggressive with their approach. After the conference, I didn't think too much of him but he certainly started to IM me on the corporate IM system. We would chat here and there for the next year. He never made mention about liking me or being interested. He would just IM me a bit here and there and make random conversation. Then recently, I visited him in on the west coast (I'm on the east coast). I had no idea what to expect because I had not seen him in a year but it was the BEST weekend ever. He wined and dined me. He planned everything out to a T and I felt so relaxed and well taken care of. I have had black men treat me nicely but this was definitely on another level. Leaving him was difficult to say they least. I gotta get to the west coast pronto but I'm serious though.


Shared Interest
I have never had to be anyone but myself with him which I love. I am still learning in this department still however. I have always had an eclectic music selections but he inadvertantly got me to the west coast over a shared interest in Kid Cudi. He purchased 2 concert tickets to go and did not have a specific person for the extra ticket. I said "Hmmm, I've never been to a concert and I have never been to the West Coast and I like Kid Cudi." So I arranged a trip out there. But I think we share similar temperaments, similar lifestyles, similar career goals then anything else.

Being Open Minded
This is the biggest key to interracial dating. You have to be an open minded and patient person without you'll frustrate yourself and turn off alot of potential suitors. At the end of the day, we all want love but we approach it in different ways. Its worth learning about how they operate and go from there.

 

[Qtee]

LOL...at the disclaimer..

Now as far as WM...I dont get much play..I think it has to do with the fact that I'm really fair skinned and most WM that date IR like their chocolate milky or dark...
However I do get play by Rican men...which I like..but overall I luv men of all races..I dont exclude any..

 

[mischka]

I do notice though his comments about wanting a stronger minded woman. I think this is something he felt he lacked in previous dating relationships (dating only white or asian women). Though I know there are plenty strength in white, asian, latino women, they are not known for their " mental strength". I know black women are known for our "strength" so this "cultural" attribute about us I think they tend to look for and fully embrace. But they don't want it with a side of ghetto hood girl. They want your strength but they want you sweet as sugar and feminine to a T most of all.

Totally agree with this. You said it a lot better than I could have, which is why I skirted around the issue and implied sh*t And your description of how he kind of hinted around and was just kind of there despite being interested is exactly what I mean. A lot of the time we jump the gun in thinking nbm are not interested but it's just a different process for them, and one that inherently takes longer. A LOT longer depending on the people and the circumstances. If we are frustrated thinking no one is showing interest we need to remember that and be patient. That's why like lushcoils said, we are telling each other "white men run up on me in the street err day" with the hidden implication being "you probably ugly if it's not happening to you" when that's not the case. Random approaches do happen of course they do, but they are NOT going to come by frequently enough for the average woman's dating life.

 

[Eluv]

From past experiences, I think being built like a white girl attracts primarily white men.

Most black men did not approach me.


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[BeautifulFlower]

mischka Yes, they don't generally approach and I think it has a lot to do with wanting to feel you out and see if you are even interested in them at all. And yes, they do to a long time. A long time. But I think he wasn't sure of my interest level. And he was right to move slowly because I didn't know I had an interest until I went to visit him.

To the ladies, that don't get approach, I would definitely strike a conversation over some shared interest first. They will ask for your number or contact info if they have interest. Even if they don't do it immediately, they will if they continue to get the feel there is something there.

Or you can do some bold ish like me and hit up a hottie over corporate IM and tell him you thought he was the most attractive thing at the conference. My little Tom Welling. He asked my number, we hung out once, but another contender has stolen my heart but I am still single so all is fair...

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Eluv Though alot of ladies on here would try and go HAM on you for that statement, I 100% agree.

Though I grow up in the semi-hood of DC and have been around majority blacks all my life (DC used to be chocolate city and I am Trinidadian), I have always been small and did not feel attractive to black men until high school. I had boyfriends and boys did like me and approach me but most of the black boys around me like T & A simply put. I was always told I was built like a white cheerleader. I have never been whitewashed but I do fully embraced cultural differences and apply to my life as I see fit.

Fast forward today, I have filled out in the T&A department but I still have the same frame. I find though there is still an Amber Rose, Kim K, Beyonce body obsession in the world, I am generally accepted and desirable by all races, age groups, and socioeconomic groups. You will honestly never know how is interested in your look until you start talking to more men. They will make in known in general conversation what they like physically. I've definitely been surprised.

Qtee Girl, white men that date IR like brown skin period. Whether its light or dark, if they have a thing for sistas, they like brown, tanner, and generally darker than them.

ETA
Last post...No more thread hi-jacking....

I have also found that white men that grow up and are heavily in black culture are some of the worst when it comes to dating. They tend to think black women want a certain thing and maybe in their experience that is true but they get a stereotype of black women in their mind and they run with it.

For example, a white guy I met at a party approached me and we exchanged numbers. The following day, he proceeded to send me (without me even hinting for it) a pic of his chest, a pic of his penis, and a video of him jerking off. He made mention of pleasing my sexually in many ways and wanted to get a hotel so we could 'hang out'. The conversation died shortly after. I was appalled and amused at the same time. I thought, what the blind he!! was he thinking, I am definitely not THAT girl and I dont even know you.

 

[intergalacticartist]

So pretty much you just have to be open-minded lol
Done. lol

 

[Nelli04]

lol, eek, I think I responded to this thread wrong, so this thread is a 411 on how to date interracially...
*note taking* lol

 

[Esthi777]

ITA with OP. I'm married to a white man and dated more nmb than black. You hit the nail right on the head.

 

[Etherealsmile]

You're absolutely right OP, as someone who has dated interracially, I find that nbm especially wm place a high importance on health and fitness and for any black woman looking to date interracially, your best bet is to be healthy and fit for yourself first; the side effect is your dating pool with non black men will widen significantly. I'm currently on my own health and fitness mission and I anticipate that when i'm at my goal weight my options will probably be quite vast (yes i'm smelling myself)

Also I caution black women interested in non black men not to treat them as "others". I've visited way too many blogs and lurked on several forums where several topics were geared toward dating interracially and I cringed multiple times while reading some of the responses. Some of them truly believed white or other nbm don't have issues and would essentially treat them better than they've ever been treated.

These women place nbm in a different category as if they are special or some sorts of demi-godserplexed. I don't know if anyone has run into this type of thinking but please don't make the mistake of looking at non-black men as anything other than men. Other races of men have their good and bad attributes as well.

Also, interracial dating is for those who are truly interested in men of other races. I know it sounds silly to mention this but if you're looking at interracial dating as a last resort because you have not found your ideal black man and you are growing desperate, then please don't be surprised if your dating adventures fail.

Interracial dating should be approached with the mindset that you are interested in nbm and expanding your dating pool; not as a last resort because your first option failed. I highly suspect such women will, even if they found a caring nbm always long for black men because black men have always been their first choice.

I also co-sign with Mischka on shared interests, if they're not there, please don't fake the funk, you will eventually be caught. Being your authentic and genuine self should always come first. No man should ever make you feel like you ought to be someone else because of his interest in you. If he does then he ain't the right one

Expanding your hobbies is something we should all strive to do for our own benefit, the side effects being you have more conversation topics during your dating adventures and you just appear to be a well rounded, open minded and interesting individual which most men like.

I agree with BeautifulFlower that nbm don't necessarily opt for black women with natural hair. I truly believe as long as the hair is well kept and maintained, most men don't know a weave from the real deal anyway. I'm saying this as a natural head. I don't want anyone to be deterred thinking they need to forgo their love of weaves, wigs etc. If you capture his interest by being your authentic self, I highly doubt he will stop dating you just because he found out your hair is not real. It ain't that serious

 

[chocolat79]

You ladies who mentioned health and fitness as BIG things when dating IR are dead on! My potential SO is huge into it and I'm not so much, but I vowed this past week to get it together, for myself. I've gained some weight since being out here and I don't like it one bit! So, you guys are so right about that.

OP, your post is DEAD.ON.

Sent from my Droid Incredible

 

[Etherealsmile]

chocolat79 how did you meet your potential SO? I hope you don't find my question intrusive. I figured since this is an interracial 411 thread, any tips, advice handed might be beneficial to someone

 

[VelvetRain]

I don't know about some of the comments in here. It's starting to sound like a how to manual. Men are men. Alot of what has been said applies to men of all backgrounds. Too much analyzing stuff.

 

[lushcoils]

I don't know about some of the comments in here. It's starting to sound like a how to manual. Men are men. Alot of what has been said applies to men of all backgrounds. Too much analyzing stuff.

Other than being feminine, polite in public, going where black men are, and having similar interests, which parts can be applied to the typical black male? Although I see more black men in the gym than black women, I don't think black men in general are into fit women. They usually prefer their women thicker or with some booty meat at least. And usually their physical activities are limited to the weight room, football, and/or basketball. And let's not get into the general hair or skin color preferences of the typical black man.

ETA:Also, I don't want to say that bm aren't interesting or diverse, but I find that some of the things I'm interested in doing most bm would be like, why do you want to do that? erplexed Luckily, I have found some bm interested in some of my random interests, but it's usually with nbm.

Most importantly, most black males aren't afraid to let you know they are interested. You'll know from the start. So it's a lot easier with bm in that aspect. Of course men are men, but nbm have different approaches. And if you're not aware or don't know how they socialize, you'll most likely miss out.


ETA: The one thing that I thought was a bit much was the music preferences. Though I like some rock music, I'm more of an old school r&b girl. If nbm guys are going to dismiss me because I prefer to listen to Toni Braxton than Kings of Leon despite the fact that we have other shared interests, I'll just stick to black men then. Just gotta grow some more booty meat first.

 

[mischka]

Also, interracial dating is for those who are truly interested in men of other races. I know it sounds silly to mention this but if you're looking at interracial dating as a last resort because you have not found your ideal black man and you are growing desperate, then please don't be surprised if your dating adventures fail.

Interracial dating should be approached with the mindset that you are interested in nbm and expanding your dating pool; not as a last resort because your first option failed. I highly suspect such women will, even if they found a caring nbm always long for black men because black men have always been their first choice.

You know, this is a good point. I have seen a few women here say that this in more or less words. It's interesting in a way that I'm not really sure what else I think about it.

I can also see how some would get in the frame of mind that nbm aren't going to have issues. That isn't true - but in my experience they have different types of issues. Will you have to deal with a lot of the same cultural issues - the SAME man-child issues, the issues we discuss that are innately specific to our culture. Most likely no. But in the same way we discuss these issues among black men I have noticed certain common issues in white men. The most recurring one was guys who thought they were a lot smarter than they are and can't be told anything by anyone because they are too immature to grow and listen and accept their view being challenged by anyway. That's not to say I see it all the time - most of the guys I've been interested in have generally been laid back and easy going - but it's the same sort of way you would be on the lookout for certain issues.

I have also seen black man's "the man" issue present itself in a different way - "I should be succeeding in whatever way I want right now and anything standing in my way is a personal attack against me because clearly those other people aren't the right choice like I am." I particularly hated this one. This guy and I never got around to dating because he was so stupid about this. Like for example he would complain about he lost his job so now had to work some lesser undegreed job and complained about them hiring other people for higher positions instead of him. Like, dude, you're just a loser it's nothing to do with them. And once he told me about how his aunt had pretty much given him a restaurant to own and manage and I'm like, oh ok, how come you don't do that anymore? And he basically said that he got fired and I was like... your aunt fired you? And then he started talking about how his aunt was a btch and she didn't understand business and she listened to other people and that's why she fired him blah blah... like that personal responsibility issue is everywhere Fck I hated him, he was so stupid and annoying.

So in this way men are men and some issues are common, but you'd be stupid not to understand that it IS TRUE that common issues will manifest itself in different ways because we are black and they are not black. It's the same thing with white women - yeah we're all women and there are things about them that are common to us, but would we say "women are women" to mean that we are more or less the same in most ways as a white girl? I doubt most women here would say that.

 

[mischka]

ETA: The one thing that I thought was a bit much was the music preferences. Though I like some rock music, I'm more of an old school r&b girl. If nbm guys are going to dismiss me because I prefer to listen to Toni Braxton than Kings of Leon despite the fact that we have other shared interests, I'll just stick to black men then. Just gotta grow some more booty meat first.

I didn't mean you'd get dismissed if you don't like the same types of music. What I was saying was that, it's EASIER to show that you are familiar with other cultures than just black culture. Nothing I'm saying is what anyone should or should not do, what I'm talking about is ways to make things easier and help things along if one doesn't quite know where to start or what to do; and yes the original title of this thread was "How to transition to interracial dating" so the entire point is a "how to guide" and looking at the ways non black men are different from black me re: that post you quoted which I did not view. I'm not interested in arguing this point for those with a different view but yes, for me it has been a process of identifying the idiosyncrasies in the idea that "men are men" from culture to culture. I don't believe men are men the same way I don't believe women are women, like I just said.

Anyway, what I was getting at is if one's only experience outside black culture is stereotypical, things from the past that anyone would know, it's a different thing from being interested enough in those cultural aspects enough that you follow it as a current thing, not just something that is easier to describe. You don't HAVE to have specific interest in anything; but I do think it's easier to show "we track the same interests" - the same way we currently follow anything we're interested in, as a subject, to participate as it grows - "and we could continue to grow together in this category." I don't know if I explained that articulately enough but that's how it would work for me coming from a man. If you say you're interested in the same thing as me but you're not up to date on it I don't care. I love to read, and if you're only interested in the old classics and Shakespeare, we can't talk about literature in the same way.

Btw, I meant to say congrats to @Etherealsmile in the last post for the weight loss!

 

[Etherealsmile]

I don't know about some of the comments in here. It's starting to sound like a how to manual. Men are men. Alot of what has been said applies to men of all backgrounds. Too much analyzing stuff.

Thanks @mischka! i'm working hard at it


It is great that you realize this and i'm sure many other women realize men are men but can you honestly say you've not met black women who are completely clueless on how to interact/socialize/talk to men of other races? Maybe you haven't but I certainly have...

I think because we tend to be such an insular group, black women who are just now opening their minds to interracial dating have many questions and as much as this may sound like over analyzing, it really isn't if you look at it from the perspective of someone new to interracial dating.

I think this is a great thread and I hope the ideas and tips given are used at each person's discretion. I also hope to hear stories of budding new romantic relationships

 

[Sade]

I have dated Black men and NBM. My DH is a NBM and I agree with VelvetRain Men are men. I am who I am and am the same with BM like I am with NBM. My DH approached me. I guess every case is different but I didn't know there was a manuel to date men outside one's race. Anyway good luck ladies hope this works.