Some thoughts on relaxers

[unalteredone]

I write this 2 hours before i'm due to relax my hair....

I'm relaxed, and have been relaxed for as long as I could remember. Since joining LHCF, I've been thinking more about what relaxing does to me and my hair. When I think about it, it's kinda weird that my life has been broken up into 8-12 week slots, at which point I take a risk of my hair's health and length for the sake of manegability. I've also been thinking about relaxing on a more abstract level, and how strange it is that my mother felt that as a child, relaxing just seemed like the natural progression of things, and that keeping my natural hair seemed not to ever be a consideration. It's weird, you know, that the term "natural" even exists, because no one would ever say "that white girl has natural hair". I'm sad because i have no memories of my natural texture, only 9 weeks of new growth to sorta, kinda try to guess what my hair type might be.

At the same time, relaxing is all i know. I'm loving my new growth weeks 2-5 post relaxer... but come week 6 or 7 and i'm cursing it for making everything so much more difficult. Last year i decided to give transitioning a go, but i only made it 3 or so months. Of course, i had planned a trip to visit my boyfriend, and I knew that I would want to go swimming etc etc, and I really didn't want to a) look a mess while meeting the parents, b) spend the whole time i was there worrying about taming my newgrowth, setting my hair, or straightening it, so i relaxed. I also came to the conclusion that it wasn't my time to be natural, despite the fact that i think it would be cute to be natural in my 20's.

I guess i feel trapped between having long, relaxed hair, or starting all over again with short natural hair...it just seems like a step back. I haven't had APL hair since i was a kid, and I don't want to do anything that will put me farther away from my goals. And what if my hair type isn't what i want it to be and i just end up relaxing anyway? All i would be able to think of is the length i lost, and the months of transitioning work wasted. I know that going natural is probably the healthiest and well, most natural option, but my hair is the longest it's been in a few years and i'm not ready to give that up yet.

Has anyone else had this struggle between what they know and what they want?

 

[Liege4421]

I'm interested by your statement "what if my hair type isn't what I want it to be?" What type would you want it to be?

I'm not natural, but there are women on this board with all varieties of hair types, and I am confident that with their help, you could take care of your hair, regardless of the type.

 

[Denise11]

I understand the statement "what if my hair type isn't what I want it to be.

I thought about going natural, although my hair is too long for me to start over. But if I did, I wouldn't want to fight with the hard to manage nappy new growth. I want the curly 3c hair. But you never know what you're gonna get until you go natural, or transition.

Being relaxed is so easy for me to deal with . I don't want to struggle as a natural

 

[ceebee3]

If you don't want to get rid of the length you can transition for a while and trim often. You can trim the ends as you new growth comes in and you hair would stay the same length.

I think it's easier to do it now before your hair gets longer.

 

[unalteredone]

I'm interested by your statement "what if my hair type isn't what I want it to be?" What type would you want it to be?

I figured that that would probably raise some questions. I mean that my vision of having natural hair is having curly/coily, maybe 4a hair that grows down, not out. Of course, in my vision that hair is already full shoulder length unstretched too, lol. I would want to do wash and gos and all that stuff... when i think about natural hair i do think of it more in terms of the styles that are possible than the actual hair itself.

Basically what i meant is, what if my actual natural texture and my imagined natural texture are too different from each other and i regret the decision? At least with a relaxer, i know what to expect.

I'm not a risk taker.

 

[sharifeh]

I understand the statement "what if my hair type isn't what I want it to be.

I thought about going natural, although my hair is too long for me to start over. But if I did, I wouldn't want to fight with the hard to manage nappy new growth. I want the curly 3c hair. But you never know what you're gonna get until you go natural, or transition.

Being relaxed is so easy for me to deal with . I don't want to struggle as a natural

co signing

 

[Ramya]

You could stretch your relaxer for a while. Your natural hair will show and you can pretty much guess your hair type. Also there are people who transitioned for 2 years. But ultimately it would do you some good to accept whatever hair type God blessed you with. Everyone is not going to have perfect curls and coils. And everyone is not going to have difficult hair either. Ditching the relaxer is the best thing I did for my hair. I wish more women would give it a try.

 

[Liege4421]

ok...I'm with you...if you don't want to lose your length, you could just put your hair in braids for a few months and then see how your natural texture is...although it won't be a true test, because your relaxed ends will pull your natural hair down, and it may be more difficult to manage with two textures than if you were only natural. You could also try a texturizer, which will offer you the hair you're envisioning, but also the versatility to have straight hair without as much work as if you were just natural. Good luck, in any case!

 

[peony]

I don't think I have anything particularly helpful to add. But I will say this: I think it is a great experience for every adult woman of African descent to spend at least a year with natural hair. There is something very powerful about spending some time accepting your hair the way God created it, nurturing it, loving it, despite lots of messages in society telling you that it is unattractive or unworthy. But ultimately, how you wear your hair is far less important than how you feel about yourself. As H. Rap Brown said "I`d rather see a cat with a processed head and a natural mind than a natural head and a processed mind."

 

[Loveygram]

You are not alone. I've been through more hair changes than I can count. I knew I had tight naps because When I was a kid, they didn't start straightening my hair until I started first grade, like most of the girls I grew up with. Back then people would fuss at young women who straightened the childs hair before that.

When relaxers got popular, I jumped in but my hair seemed to break near the new growth a lot and I didn't really know how to take care of it but I was scared of my own hair and what the beauticians use to say about it.

I finally started taking care of it myself after 1 too many misshaps with salons (we traveled a lot). Its been a long journey but since taking the plunge I'm Ok now and wished I had a place like LHCF a long time ago.

Remember your hair is beautiful, its yours & how you chose to wear it is personal. If you do decide to go natural, there are ways to transition without immediately cutting it all at once.

Blessings

 

[unalteredone]

I do feel that i will, at some point in my life, go natural. Even with long term transitioning, all i would think about (at least right now) is how long my hair could've been if i had kept the relaxed ends. At the same time, a part of me thinks about how much natural hair i could've had by now if i hadn't quit my transition last year. Obviously I dont have the right attitude about this yet. I would actually love to be texlaxed/texurized, but again, that requires a transition and a chop if i want to wear it in the curly styles that i envy,since my relaxed hair is currently bone straight. I guess i feel like i wont go natural until i'm a bit older and feel the need to make a big change in my life.

I just wanted to share my feelings on the subject, as so often i run into something that someone has written and recognize that i have felt the same way.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I don't think I have anything particularly helpful to add. But I will say this: I think it is a great experience for every adult woman of African descent to spend at least a year with natural hair. There is something very powerful about spending some time accepting your hair the way God created it, nurturing it, loving it, despite lots of messages in society telling you that it is unattractive or unworthy. But ultimately, how you wear your hair is far less important than how you feel about yourself. As H. Rap Brown said "I`d rather see a cat with a processed head and a natural mind than a natural head and a processed mind."

I totally agree with this.

During my college career I was natural. I enjoyed my texture but after awhile it became a pain to deal with (regimen wise) I relaxed for my graduation just for the change and I don't regret it. I didn't have the time or the means (or money) to give my natural hair the tlc it needed. I think I'm a 4b...my hair is thick, course and very resilient (I was relaxed twice in a salon once and my hair didn't fall out ). At the same time I plan on going natural later on since I have the means to care for it now. You can enjoy both textures. Just learn to appreciate what your natural hairtype is as well. It most certainly is about self esteem.

 

[MummysGirl]

I think you will transition when you are ready to. If your initial goal is to get to APL, I think you should do it and then re-evaluate... see if you are ready to transition then. You can have VERY healthy relaxed hair like soooo many ladies here have shown.

I'll bore you with my story... I got to APL summer last year, suffered a setback in December '08 and had to cut off about 4 inches of hair. Very early this year, I realised - I had already reached my goal which was APL (last year) and I knew I could get back to APL as a relaxed head but I wasn't interested anymore. I was finally tired of my hairline not being able to handle one minute of relaxer application, tired of setbacks like the last one I had which was due to overprocessing (and neglecting my hair for a short while) and decided that instead of saying I will 'eventually' go natural, to do it now... I was ready, I am ready.

I know people have textures that look very desirable, I don't think it will be disappointing to find out you have no curl definition. I have seen some beautiful twistouts & braidouts on 4a/b hair, beautiful styles... but like I said - you will do what you want when you want...

Good luck.... HHG

 

[MizzBrown]

I understand the statement "what if my hair type isn't what I want it to be.

I thought about going natural, although my hair is too long for me to start over. But if I did, I wouldn't want to fight with the hard to manage nappy new growth. I want the curly 3c hair. But you never know what you're gonna get until you go natural, or transition.

Being relaxed is so easy for me to deal with . I don't want to struggle as a natural

Me too. Which is why they call transitioning not just about hair but you need to transition your mind too. You gotta be able to see the hair that comes out of your head and embrace it and realize that its you. Natural. Period.

Yes its nappy. And? Yes it looks like i need a touchup but guess what? I aint gettin one. You gotta get over it in your mind. Be able to deal w/ the backlash because you are a type 4 and not a curly type 3. You have to embrace the fact that you aint neva gonna have 3c curly hair. Its hard for a lot of us to transition our mind to get over that part.

Right now, i'm more excited about having long relaxed hair because i've never seen my hair this long and i cant deal w/ having to BC right now.

I do intend to go natural before I die though. It's sad many of us refuse to go natural if we have type 4 and beyond hair and I always want to give more props to folks w/ type 4 hair who go natural.

I dont care what folks say. A type 4 and beyond going natural holds more weight to me. Cause i know some of them had the hardest time transitioning the MIND and the hair.

 

[IDareT'sHair]

As H. Rap Brown said "I`d rather see a cat with a processed head and a natural mind than a natural head and a processed mind."

AMEN !

 

[Ronnieaj]

All during college, my friends went or already were natural, and every single one of them told me that I SHOULDN'T go natural because I didn't have a good hair type. My friend did my relaxers and we all knew I was a definite type 4. Mind you, this friend believed that EVERY black woman should be natural (except me and another friend of mine with the same hair type ). Every natural head of hair I saw was either 3b/c or locked. No one with my hair type.

Fast forward seven years. I decided to go natural, even though I still didn't see women that I went to school with with my same type. I just wanted to do it. I cut off all but 2 inches of relaxed hair (it was a 12 inch cut) seven months after I made my decision, and the remaining 2 inches 3 months later. My total transition was 10 months. I'd been in the process of trying to grow my hair, but I wanted natural hair more than I wanted long hair.

I've now been fully natural for almost 18 months, and my 3c friends envy the thickness and super-duper coily-ness of my clearly 4a hair. I love it cuz it's mine and it's soft and pretty thanks to you lovely ladies! You have to do what's right for you, at the time that you're ready to be accepting of it. You acknowledge that now is not that time. When I was in college, it was not that time. When I was in law school, it was not that time. I went natural 2 years into practicing, which I somehow knew would be okay, and I was ready for it.

When you're ready, go for it. Until then, just work toward having the healthiest and longest relaxed head of hair that you can, and enjoy it!! HHG!

 

[msa]

I guess i feel trapped between having long, relaxed hair, or starting all over again with short natural hair...it just seems like a step back. I haven't had APL hair since i was a kid, and I don't want to do anything that will put me farther away from my goals. And what if my hair type isn't what i want it to be and i just end up relaxing anyway? All i would be able to think of is the length i lost, and the months of transitioning work wasted. I know that going natural is probably the healthiest and well, most natural option, but my hair is the longest it's been in a few years and i'm not ready to give that up yet.

OP, the bold always gets me. I always feel kind of bad for people who transition, BC, and then go back to relaxing a few months or a year later. It seems like such a waste of length. Not that I've ever done it, but I can kind of understand how you feel.

Anyway, I've never had to make the decision to "go natural" so I don't have much advice for you. I think you'll know when you're ready to do it. If relaxing is what makes you happy right now, then do that.

But, know that you don't have to give up length to transition. Lots of people press/flat iron/rollerset their way through their transition and find lots of ways to enjoy their length. You don't have to cut and you can transition for as long as you want...you can wait until your natural hair is WL if you want to.

 

[NappyMD]

I personally think that the majority of black women straighten their hair because they have been brainwashed into thinking that this is the only way to be beautiful. But I don't bother people about shaking that level of hegemony.

However, you have to be careful. When you get to the point where you are doubting the relaxer, but feel you HAVE to do it to look good, it starts to really erode your self esteem. So if you don't go natural soon, find some way to make peace with it. I think your screenname is interesting given the topic. Best of luck

 

[gymfreak336]

I don't think I have anything particularly helpful to add. But I will say this: I think it is a great experience for every adult woman of African descent to spend at least a year with natural hair. There is something very powerful about spending some time accepting your hair the way God created it, nurturing it, loving it, despite lots of messages in society telling you that it is unattractive or unworthy. But ultimately, how you wear your hair is far less important than how you feel about yourself. As H. Rap Brown said "I`d rather see a cat with a processed head and a natural mind than a natural head and a processed mind."

Agreed. We have gotten to the point where whole generations of girls don't/won't know what their natural hair even looks like.

 

[ajoyfuljoy]

OP I so feel you. I often feel torn just like you. Just wanted to say that.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Basically what i meant is, what if my actual natural texture and my imagined natural texture are too different from each other and i regret the decision? At least with a relaxer, i know what to expect.

I'm not a risk taker.

Very eloquently stated and I think the bolded is the bigger reason most women stick with relaxing.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Solitude]

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from. I see the beauty in natural hair and relaxed hair, but, for me, it's more about making sure that the desire to transition is coming from WITHIN.

I could care less what society thinks or what other individuals think about relaxed or natural hair. I had to figure out what I want minus the political debate. I would never put the pressure on myself to "send a message" through my hair. I send a message through the way I live my life, the way I raise my child, and the way I treat other people. I do sometimes wish that I could be a better hair role model for my niece, though.

I, personally, am considering a long-term transition because I don't want short hair, PERIOD, & I do want to learn how to manage and be happy with my natural texture even if I continue to straighten.

 

[berryblack]

I totally get you, OP. When I was transitioning, I couldn't really tell my hair type---I figured I was a 4 something but since I had relaxed ends I couldn't ascertain exactly how it would curl. I knew if I didn't get my father's soft curls I would get rode HARD by my family. For some unknown reason, I decided to be daring and just BC. Lawd, I wanted to cry when I saw it---It was short and nappy! I wanted to slap some relaxer in it ASAP but my husband told me to at least finish out my pregnancy. During this time, I got all sorts of pressure to relax from relatives, especially my mom. Horrible. I don't think I could have gone natural in my twenties---the "tight" and "nappy" comments would've broke me with quickness. Some sweet folks told me very politely that I should just get a texturizer--sure it wasn't exactly natural but at least it would look less kinky.

Anyway that was over three years ago and I LOVE my hair, now. Sure, it's "nappy" but it is thicker and longer than everyone in my family. I have relatives wondering where I got all of this "good" hair all of a sudden . My sister was so inspired that she went natural, too, and her hair has never looked better.

You should do what is easiest and best for you right now---get some of your other goals and challenges out of the way and when you are ready, go for the 'fro!

 

[ToyToy]

I write this 2 hours before i'm due to relax my hair....

I'm relaxed, and have been relaxed for as long as I could remember. Since joining LHCF, I've been thinking more about what relaxing does to me and my hair. When I think about it, it's kinda weird that my life has been broken up into 8-12 week slots, at which point I take a risk of my hair's health and length for the sake of manegability. I've also been thinking about relaxing on a more abstract level, and how strange it is that my mother felt that as a child, relaxing just seemed like the natural progression of things, and that keeping my natural hair seemed not to ever be a consideration. It's weird, you know, that the term "natural" even exists, because no one would ever say "that white girl has natural hair". I'm sad because i have no memories of my natural texture, only 9 weeks of new growth to sorta, kinda try to guess what my hair type might be.

At the same time, relaxing is all i know. I'm loving my new growth weeks 2-5 post relaxer... but come week 6 or 7 and i'm cursing it for making everything so much more difficult. Last year i decided to give transitioning a go, but i only made it 3 or so months. Of course, i had planned a trip to visit my boyfriend, and I knew that I would want to go swimming etc etc, and I really didn't want to a) look a mess while meeting the parents, b) spend the whole time i was there worrying about taming my newgrowth, setting my hair, or straightening it, so i relaxed. I also came to the conclusion that it wasn't my time to be natural, despite the fact that i think it would be cute to be natural in my 20's.

I guess i feel trapped between having long, relaxed hair, or starting all over again with short natural hair...it just seems like a step back. I haven't had APL hair since i was a kid, and I don't want to do anything that will put me farther away from my goals. And what if my hair type isn't what i want it to be and i just end up relaxing anyway? All i would be able to think of is the length i lost, and the months of transitioning work wasted. I know that going natural is probably the healthiest and well, most natural option, but my hair is the longest it's been in a few years and i'm not ready to give that up yet.

Has anyone else had this struggle between what they know and what they want?

I felt exactly the same way just before I became natural. I know people say it's just hair, but if it really was just hair, we wouldn't put so much thought, effort and emotion into it. It took me a year to take the plunge, so it wasn't an easy decision.

I don't really have tangible advice to offer you, but just wanted to say that I hope you'll find a solution that will work out for you really soon!! (((hugs)))