She Is Too Broken

M

mensa

Well-Known Member
I asked a good friend of mine that after 2 marriages, if she wanted to remarry again. She told me that she felt that she was too broken to remarry.

That broke my heart!

She's so beautiful, funny, smart, good income, will give her last and help anybody that she can, and she's an excellent cook.

Internally, she suffers from domestic abuse, both husbands cheated on her and left her for other women. She also suffers from insecurities and self-doubt, BIGTIME!

Anybody got any advice that I can give to her that might help her to heal?

My husband and I talked to her briefly on the phone yesterday. She really admires our marriage, but we can only do so much for her.

Thanks.
 
Honestly, just give her time.

I think it's normal to feel like this sometimes. And often, it can be the catalyst of starting a really rewarding relationship ......with yourself.
In a recent youtube video I watched the youtuber was talking about how as BW we aren't allowed/permitted to heal organically. It really hit home. So often we are told to jump to the 'Hold your head up black queen' or ' Screw you i had a side **** anyway' stages without really healing and going through the mucky stages of healing - the vulnerability, the pain, the depression etc. I've boo-hoo cried in the bathrooms at work over a man - as embarrassing as that may sound, it was the beginning of realising and actually valuing my fragility.

BTW I'm in no way saying you're doing anything wrong OP. You're a great friend. Sorry for the schpiel
 
Do you know what her healing process was after her first divorce that caused her to feel secure enough to give a second marriage a go? Did she actually heal after the first marriage? There is a lot to something this hurtful and deep but if she was my friend i would start with things I know help her heal...those areas can be tweaked for genuine progress. No focus on the next marriage but focused on the self worth for a strong foundation. Sorry about your friend.
 
mensa said:
She sought therapy but it really didn't help her much.
Click to expand...
How long has she been out of the last marriage? Does she have children? Those two things really matter. Also, people often say therapy didn’t work when it was actually that the therapist they saw was not a good match for them. Also, sometimes what’s also helpful is a coach who is focused on helping a person move forward and giving them tools and strategies to manage life better.

For the state she’s in right now it’s probably best that she not pursue a relationship.
 
hopeful said:
How long has she been out of the last marriage? Does she have children? Those two things really matter. Also, people often say therapy didn’t work when it was actually that the therapist they saw was not a good match for them. Also, sometimes what’s also helpful is a coach who is focused on helping a person move forward and giving them tools and strategies to manage life better.

For the state she’s in right now it’s probably best that she not pursue a relationship.
Click to expand...
She's been out of her last relationship for about 10 years. She has 2 children by 2 different husbands.
She's not open to seeing a therapist so, I'm going to start sending her information that I've acquired that might help her.
 
Tell her therapy is like buying shoes. You may have to try on a few sizes before you can get the one that's the best fit. Like even though you wear a size 8 shoe...you may find that a 7.5 in some shoe styles, or an 8.5 in others are the best.

I had therapy in 2019 and I didn't love the one I had. We never really addressed the core issues I WANTED to address and I found the thing to be kinda superficial. I was looking for a couch/tears/tissue/tell me about your childhood-type scenario.

Ironically, the relationship after therapy between DH and I changed for the better. He went to one session with me and got all upset. So I didn't invite him back bc I felt like the therapy was "me time." So after a while I had to accept I DID get a lot out of it and feel more at peace at this point for myself. I plan to go back to therapy eventually. I have some other deep seeded issues to address, some with my marriage, but a lot has to do with my mother, my childhood and all that. I won't be going to that same therapist though. I hope to find a black therapist but I'm open either way. I think its because I started out therapy trying to deal with what I thought was wrong with HIM, but when I made the therapy about ME, and my behaviors, (even though I'm the good one-lol), I moved differently, and so did he.

My point is to tell her to try again and to not give up. With anything, eat the meat and spit out the bones or anything un-useful. she also has to go into therapy ready to address where she messed up as well. or her PATTERNS. I learned that in all relationships, even if one person cheats, there is some culpability with the other person in the marriage or relationship with SOMETHING. It could be addressing why we tolerate certain things in people when we KNOW they wouldn't tolerate the same with us? Why do we THINK if we are "nice enough and good ppl enough" it will be enough to change someone? Just throwing things out there. It certainly may not be the case. But those latter 2 things are SUPER BIG things that nice people have to accept about themselves and begin to root it out the way you would a disease. They aren't good traits. Feels like victim blaming. But its not. Its simply addressing unhelpful behaviors that can open us up to those who feel no remorse for hurting good people. Just my 2 cents.
 
mensa said:
She's been out of her last relationship for about 10 years. She has 2 children by 2 different husbands.
She's not open to seeing a therapist so, I'm going to start sending her information that I've acquired that might help her.
Click to expand...
10 years?? Oh my. If she’s saying no to therapy or coaching then I’d wish her well, enjoy her company, and leave her be. Yes, just send her information as you see fit unless she asks you not to. It took me 5 years following my one, long-term marriage, to date again. It’s so sad that she feels too broken though. That’s hard to hear from a friend.
 
hopeful said:
10 years?? Oh my. If she’s saying no to therapy or coaching then I’d wish her well, enjoy her company, and leave her be. Yes, just send her information as you see fit unless she asks you not to. It took me 5 years following my one, long-term marriage, to date again. It’s so sad that she feels too broken though. That’s hard to hear from a friend.
Click to expand...
When she told me that, it broke my heart to pieces. She always seemed so strong and having it all together emotionally. And she is sooooooooo beautiful. She doesn't wear a speck of makeup.I mean, she's naturally beautiful. I'm pretty attractive, but when men see us together, they step all on my toes to try and get to her, LOL!
 
naturalgyrl5199 said:
Tell her therapy is like buying shoes. You may have to try on a few sizes before you can get the one that's the best fit. Like even though you wear a size 8 shoe...you may find that a 7.5 in some shoe styles, or an 8.5 in others are the best.

I had therapy in 2019 and I didn't love the one I had. We never really addressed the core issues I WANTED to address and I found the thing to be kinda superficial. I was looking for a couch/tears/tissue/tell me about your childhood-type scenario.

Ironically, the relationship after therapy between DH and I changed for the better. He went to one session with me and got all upset. So I didn't invite him back bc I felt like the therapy was "me time." So after a while I had to accept I DID get a lot out of it and feel more at peace at this point for myself. I plan to go back to therapy eventually. I have some other deep seeded issues to address, some with my marriage, but a lot has to do with my mother, my childhood and all that. I won't be going to that same therapist though. I hope to find a black therapist but I'm open either way. I think its because I started out therapy trying to deal with what I thought was wrong with HIM, but when I made the therapy about ME, and my behaviors, (even though I'm the good one-lol), I moved differently, and so did he.

My point is to tell her to try again and to not give up. With anything, eat the meat and spit out the bones or anything un-useful. she also has to go into therapy ready to address where she messed up as well. or her PATTERNS. I learned that in all relationships, even if one person cheats, there is some culpability with the other person in the marriage or relationship with SOMETHING. It could be addressing why we tolerate certain things in people when we KNOW they wouldn't tolerate the same with us? Why do we THINK if we are "nice enough and good ppl enough" it will be enough to change someone? Just throwing things out there. It certainly may not be the case. But those latter 2 things are SUPER BIG things that nice people have to accept about themselves and begin to root it out the way you would a disease. They aren't good traits. Feels like victim blaming. But its not. Its simply addressing unhelpful behaviors that can open us up to those who feel no remorse for hurting good people. Just my 2 cents.
Click to expand...
Wow, thanks for this.

She's just not open to any more therapy of any kind. So, I try not to "tip the Apple cart."
 
hopeful said:
10 years?? Oh my. If she’s saying no to therapy or coaching then I’d wish her well, enjoy her company, and leave her be. Yes, just send her information as you see fit unless she asks you not to. It took me 5 years following my one, long-term marriage, to date again. It’s so sad that she feels too broken though. That’s hard to hear from a friend.
Click to expand...
This
 
Not wanting to be remarried is not the end of it. She can have another fulfilling relationship or string of relationships... whatever floats her boat... and not get remarried and still live a happy and fulfilling life. I would encourage her to live a life of fulfilment and happiness more than seeking another spouse.
 
LiftedUp said:
Not wanting to be remarried is not the end of it. She can have another fulfilling relationship or string of relationships... whatever floats her boat... and not get remarried and still live a happy and fulfilling life. I would encourage her to live a life of fulfilment and happiness more than seeking another spouse.
Click to expand...
I agree.
 
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