Playing The Game

[LadyBlu]

My girlfriends and I got into this discussion during our New Year's conversation, and it involved "the game"

I was telling the ladies about the book "Why Men Love B@#%&ES" which was recommended to me on LHCF and how we have to learn how to not be so vulnerable and giving so early in relationships.

Does anyone else have a problem with this theory? I mean, as I read, I could definitely point out that within the list of the things women do wrong in relationships, I did about 90% of them, but it made me think...

Why do we give men so much? Is it a matter of self worth or are we simply being loving?

Why do men feel the need to take advantage of our kindness?

Why should we have to play the hard-to-get, evasive, "I care, but I have to pretend not to care" role in order to "get" the man. What's up with the whole dangle-the-bait, make him chase you syndrome?

Surely there are still men out there that are truly ready for a real relationship and won't take advantage of a good woman. But where are they and how can we spot them? Just some random thoughts. Input?

 

[sr24]

I would certainly like to see the answers....because I've broken every rule in that book also...I have a whole bunch of guys who want to take me out but I'm really not interested in them...maybe because they seem to into me or something...I guess its the exact reason why guys don't like girls who are so easy...its seem like its no challenge or anything..am I the only one who has this problem?

 

[itismehmmkay]

I think the point is to get a place where you really don't care too much Where you really aren't so easily impressed. And that you're more concerned w/ your heart and well-being than his.

The Rules and WMLB reads are 'fake-it till you make-it' approaches.

 

[amara11]

I would certainly like to see the answers....because I've broken every rule in that book also...I have a whole bunch of guys who want to take me out but I'm really not interested in them...maybe because they seem to into me or something...I guess its the exact reason why guys don't like girls who are so easy...its seem like its no challenge or anything..am I the only one who has this problem?

@ Bolded: Confused- what problem?
@ Italicized: That's the thing- you were doing it naturally. We all naturally behave this way with men we're not interested in, and they stick around like flies to honey because of it. All The Rules, and WMLB do is help women behave this way with men they are interested in to get the same result.

I think the point is to get a place where you really don't care too much Where you really aren't so easily impressed. And that you're more concerned w/ your heart and well-being than his.
The Rules and WMLB reads are 'fake-it till you make-it' approaches.

Precisely. This why so many women think it's a "game". It's not a game- it either comes naturally, or it doesn't. When it comes naturally, you don't even realize you're doing it until you read a book like The Rules or WMLB. If it doesn't come naturally it either appeals to you, and you practice to make it natural in your life, or you think it's "too much" and "a women shouldn't have to do all that" - when it's really not much at all.

 

[peacensoul]

Soror I luv this post. I do think we have to play hard to get to some degree.. when you show to much concern they take u for granted.. being real n honest can leave u really lonely... i could never bring myself to being vunerable n the one time i did i wanted to smack myself even though it sorta worked out for a while.. its definitely a game u can either win by doing nothing or lose by dong everything just gotta pray on it.

 

[aribell]

I would take issue with the Rules before I took issue with Why Men Love B's. I read both the Rules and Why Men Marry B's, and the "Why" book wasn't a game. It was about developing genuine self-respect and self-confidence. That book's message is important because we can be tempted to pursue men out of insecurities and negative places within ourselves rather than positive places. Really, if someone feels like they're 100% whole and happy and content, then they're not going to be super-pressed and anxious about anyone in particular, no matter how great that person may be.

I think that if a man really wants to be with you, you can probably break all the rules you want and it won't make a difference. But if you're breaking them because of insecurity (calling all the time, pressuring him about the relationship, etc.) or unhappiness with your singleness, or impatience, then that's going to affect the relationship negatively.

 

[alwayzalady22]

I would take issue with the Rules before I took issue with Why Men Love B's. I read both the Rules and Why Men Marry B's, and the "Why" book wasn't a game. It was about developing genuine self-respect and self-confidence. That book's message is important because we can be tempted to pursue men out of insecurities and negative places within ourselves rather than positive places. Really, if someone feels like they're 100% whole and happy and content, then they're not going to be super-pressed and anxious about anyone in particular, no matter how great that person may be.

I think that if a man really wants to be with you, you can probably break all the rules you want and it won't make a difference. But if you're breaking them because of insecurity (calling all the time, pressuring him about the relationship, etc.) or unhappiness with your singleness, or impatience, then that's going to affect the relationship negatively.[/quote]



i think we as women are so easily impressed with little things because we feel that if we aren't, he'll bounce. the reality is, if he bounces because we aren't impressed with what little he has to offer, then he's not for us anyways and not worth the actual effort. so in essence, we didn't lose anything.

i also like WMLB because it pointed out that sometimes we as women operate in the talking/dating/getting to know you phase in fear.... fear that he'll leave, fear that he's the best we could ever have, fear that we can't find someone else to love us the way we should be loved. but the truth is, the moment we stop living in fear and just plain live, we subconsciously open up more opportunities for ourselves that way

 

[DarlingNikki]

Why do we give men so much? Why do men feel the need to take advantage of our kindness? A better question yet: Why do some of us feel that we have to give, give, give in order to keep a man? Our kindness is only taken advantage of if we allow it. And anyway, any man that is willing to take advantage of a woman has underlying issues of his own. We have a bad habit of mistaking a man's issues as our own.

Is it a matter of self worth or are we simply being loving? For the most part I believe it is a matter of wanting to be loved. Shoot, everyone wants that! However, some ladies do take it to another extreme. Some allow the love of a man to be the ONLY determining factor of their self-worth, which makes them appear needy. These females have yet to realize that they are worth something with AND without a man; they are willing to subject themselves to being used emotionally and physically just for the sake of having a man. In other circumstances, some women feel that they can change the man and MAKE the man love them, which trust me, never works and always ends in disaster!

Why should we have to play the hard-to-get, evasive, "I care, but I have to pretend not to care" role in order to "get" the man. What's up with the whole dangle-the-bait, make him chase you syndrome? Wouldn't you find it questionable if someone was trying to give something of value away for free? I would. Our love is not free. It is earned. Us ladies should never be willing to give all of ourselves to someone until they have earned it. Like anyone, men questions anything that comes too easily to them.

I read that book you mention and still own it! It is a good read. I do not believe that it is all about playing games, I think it's just trying to make women more aware of the power we already have and just shows us how to use that power. Like the next woman, I encourage ladies to be themselves....but some just need a finishing school of sorts

 

[nomadpixi]

Soror I luv this post. I do think we have to play hard to get to some degree.. when you show to much concern they take u for granted.. being real n honest can leave u really lonely... i could never bring myself to being vunerable n the one time i did i wanted to smack myself even though it sorta worked out for a while.. its definitely a game u can either win by doing nothing or lose by dong everything just gotta pray on it.

Let the church say AMEN!

 

[amara11]

Why do we give men so much? Why do men feel the need to take advantage of our kindness? A better question yet: Why do some of us feel that we have to give, give, give in order to keep a man? Our kindness is only taken advantage of if we allow it. And anyway, any man that is willing to take advantage of a woman has underlying issues of his own. We have a bad habit of mistaking a man's issues as our own.

Is it a matter of self worth or are we simply being loving? For the most part I believe it is a matter of wanting to be loved. Shoot, everyone wants that! However, some ladies do take it to another extreme. Some allow the love of a man to be the ONLY determining factor of their self-worth, which makes them appear needy. These females have yet to realize that they are worth something with AND without a man; they are willing to subject themselves to being used emotionally and physically just for the sake of having a man. In other circumstances, some women feel that they can change the man and MAKE the man love them, which trust me, never works and always ends in disaster!

Why should we have to play the hard-to-get, evasive, "I care, but I have to pretend not to care" role in order to "get" the man. What's up with the whole dangle-the-bait, make him chase you syndrome? Wouldn't you find it questionable if someone was trying to give something of value away for free? I would. Our love is not free. It is earned. Us ladies should never be willing to give all of ourselves to someone until they have earned it. Like anyone, men questions anything that comes too easily to them.

I read that book you mention and still own it! It is a good read. I do not believe that it is all about playing games, I think it's just trying to make women more aware of the power we already have and just shows us how to use that power. Like the next woman, I encourage ladies to be themselves....but some just need a finishing school of sorts

Well said