MY MOM is GOING TO MAKE ME SNAP!

[Beautytalk69]

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. My mom has always been full of uncorrect information. Example, hair grease is a mosturizer, the only way your hair will grow is if you hot comb it..ect. She is the main reason my hair never retained length as a child and the reason why my niece's hair is the same length it was when she was two (she is turning six). She has gracefully brainwashed my sister into believing her way is the right way. My sister has been natural for about 3 years and I have been natural for 10 months and my hair longer than hers. Everytime I try to give her advice she hits me with the "well mama said". Any way that is the tip of this rant

I'm also my mom's hairdresser. I do her relaxers, dyes and wash and sets BUT on her terms. When I tell her she needs to do protein treatments and deep conditioner..she looks at me like I'm Forest Gump or something.
She doesn't care about anything but hair dye..as long as her hair is black as hell she doesn't care. Like today. We are trying a semi permant dye in her hair for the first time. So I put the dye in and let it set for 25 mins like the bottle said. She told me make sure you don't wash it clean..let some of it just stay in..I was like whatever. The dye didn't take all the way..so she made me put more in, and make it stay in for another 25 mins. I'm so tired of her being hard headed..and how she treats me like I know nothing..when I'm the only one in the family that knows how do hair..and I'm the only one who is actually making progress. No, it isn't down my back..but I am retaining length. I don't know if I should stop doing her hair..or what. Because I'm completely tired of all of this!

 

[Mandy4610]

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. My mom has always been full of uncorrect information. Example, hair grease is a mosturizer, the only way your hair will grow is if you hot comb it..ect. She is the main reason my hair never retained length as a child and the reason why my niece's hair is the same length it was when she was two (she is turning six). She has gracefully brainwashed my sister into believing her way is the right way. My sister has been natural for about 3 years and I have been natural for 10 months and my hair longer than hers. Everytime I try to give her advice she hits me with the "well mama said". Any way that is the tip of this rant

I'm also my mom's hairdresser. I do her relaxers, dyes and wash and sets BUT on her terms. When I tell her she needs to do protein treatments and deep conditioner..she looks at me like I'm Forest Gump or something.
She doesn't care about anything but hair dye..as long as her hair is black as hell she doesn't care. Like today. We are trying a semi permant dye in her hair for the first time. So I put the dye in and let it set for 25 mins like the bottle said. She told me make sure you don't wash it clean..let some of it just stay in..I was like whatever. The dye didn't take all the way..so she made me put more in, and make it stay in for another 25 mins. I'm so tired of her being hard headed..and how she treats me like I know nothing..when I'm the only one in the family that knows how do hair..and I'm the only one who is actually making progress. No, it isn't down my back..but I am retaining length. I don't know if I should stop doing her hair..or what. Because I'm completely tired of all of this!

People are people...You can only do you!

 

[Triniwegian]

Just do you and let your results speak for itself.
Everyone here has someone in their life that has learned all the wrong things about hair and try to convince us that we are wrong.
I have been told that my hair is going to rot because I co-wash daily yet I am close to BSL and they are still at neck length.
Do for you what you know is best and do not mind what anyone tells you, even your mother.

 

[Evolving78]

tell her that if you are going to do her hair, then she must play by your rules, or go pay somebody else to do it.

 

[Beautytalk69]

tell her that if you are going to do her hair, then she must play by your rules, or go pay somebody else to do it.

I could only dream of saying that. I hope I get the courage to do it! That was actually my main reason of writing this thread because I know she would never change..but I didn't know how to break up with her as her hairdresser. Now that I'm married my time and schedule is different. But she doesn't give a damn. I feel bad because I'm saving her money, and I don't want to cause any problems. I don't know how to approach her.

 

[fiyahwerks]

My mom is the same way and is a retired hair dresser. But my mom seen the light when I refused to perm my oldest DD hair. My DD has beautiful curly coils, thanks to not listening to my mom and researching on forums like these. She now sees how beautiful my DD and my hair is, and she recently BC herself.

She hesitantly told me "it's hard to relearn what you been doing for years and years. Naturally you pass this information to your children, even though it could be harmful. I mean, I went to school on how to take care of people hair. So what did they teach me at school?" My mom is secretly a lurker here and I'm proud that she finally understand that her way isn't always the best way (well at least for this topic, I still struggle with issues with "her ways").

You may have to stop doing her hair after you had the discussion about ever changing world of information in hair care. What was the thing 10 years ago, isn't healthy today. All you can do is try. Choose your battles wisely...

Edit: I'm not sure if you said you were a hairdresser also, but treat her just as professional as you would your clients. "I'm sorry mom, I cannot continue to do your hair if you do not listen to my professional advice. I have the best interest in your hair, and if you refuse to accept, you are not letting me complete my job professionally and successfully."

 

[Foxglove]

Edit: I'm not sure if you said you were a hairdresser also, but treat her just as professional as you would your clients. "I'm sorry mom, I cannot continue to do your hair if you do not listen to my professional advice. I have the best interest in your hair, and if you refuse to accept, you are not letting me complete my job professionally and successfully."

My mom would slap me 7 ways from sunday if I ever said this to her
Not really but this wouldn't work for my mom. Your mom sounds just like mine. Relaxer and hair dye at all costs, overlapping and all

 

[Triniwegian]

tell her that if you are going to do her hair, then she must play by your rules, or go pay somebody else to do it.

I wouldn't dare to tell my mom that.

 

[Evolving78]

I wouldn't dare to tell my mom that.

really? i would in a heart beat. but i have a lot of respect for my mother. we are close and we can get very "sista girl" with each other when it comes to keeping it real.

i guess it is the way it would be presented. she could give her mother a long speech about how she loves her and respects her, show documentation on the her mother's bad hair practices, or just be straight up with her. i don't have a problem with my mother getting mad at me. Right is Right, Wrong is Wrong. we live by it and own up to it. that is how i was raised.

if i was to get popped in my mouth over something like that, it would be my mother's loss, and i won't loose any sleep. she will be the one crying and wondering why i don't come around her anymore and trying figuring out why she is bald-headed.

 

[KurlyNinja]

I seriously refuse to commit bad hair practices on anybodies head. It makes me feel like I'm doing something morally wrong. It just doesnt sit well with me...

 

[Janet']

I'm sorry about this OP...Yeah, some things that we want to say to parents are best left unsaid. You just keep doing what you are doing because actions really do speak louder than other things...

 

[HauteHippie]

My mom would slap me 7 ways from sunday if I ever said this to her
Not really but this wouldn't work for my mom. Your mom sounds just like mine. Relaxer and hair dye at all costs, overlapping and all

Yup! And I'd still have to do her hair!

 

[AlliCat]

My mom was hair-ignant too...telling me I'm wasting water by washing my hair so much...but eventually she saw my progress and that changed her perspective

 

[Tiye]

Introduce her to henna + indigo - if she likes jet black hair without worry about damage she'll be happy. Everyone wants hair or beauty tips that work - but no one wants to be brow beaten and told how stupid they are (and how much smarter you are). So just be nice about it. She'll learn and then she'll want all your tips.

 

[AmyRose92]

Trust me when I say this: I understand!

My mother is just the same way. She actually listens and retains information from random strangers than me, her own daughter. Every time she says something completely baseless (e.g. you shouldn't be losing hair when you wash? Um, it's called shedding!), I always try to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is just years and years of brainwashing brought from generation to generation and that the only way to successfully prove them wrong is to just keep up with my healthy hair practices. My hair will speak for itself one day, and just quiet all of those skeptics and the one's who think they know what's best for our hair.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Sometimes you show better than you can say...as for doing her hair well... Tough one. I hope a major mishap doesn't happen on your watch!

 

[empressri]

Well OP is a grown married woman that I'm assuming is not living underneath her mother's roof anymore.

Mom and daughter can be cool once DD is grown and on her own!

OP do what you gotta do. You know how to handle your mother. Mothers can be wrong sometimes too, especially if she wants you to jump at her beck and call and like you said your time is different now.

 

[PrimaD]

Its you mom there is only so much you can do. I have come to terms with what my mom will and won't allow me to do when it comes to the health of her hair. I'm the one that cares for my mothers hair and she is natural. You have the choice to put your foot down and just tell her flat out NO (something that is very hard to say to MOM)you won't continue and explain why but in a loving manner yet firm. The other option is to continue what you have been doing and just let her know that if she ends up blad headed she can't blame you because you informed her of unhealthy hair practices she has request you to preform. Best of luck with this, either way you choose to handle this with your mom.

 

[HauteHippie]

Introduce her to henna + indigo - if she likes jet black hair without worry about damage she'll be happy. Everyone wants hair or beauty tips that work - but no one wants to be brow beaten and told how stupid they are (and how much smarter you are). So just be nice about it. She'll learn and then she'll want all your tips.

OoOoh, that's a really good suggestion!

 

[Aireen]

Actions speak louder than words. So when you get hair that's down your back (action), then talk (words). People are usually reluctant to take advice unless they see a dramatic change that literally leaves them speechless.

My mum always had long hair and when I wanted to grow mine out I was trying all kinds of conditioner that supposedly "wouldn't work for black hair". My hair isn't long and isn't longer than hers but it's BSL and my mum thought my hair wouldn't get past my shoulders; she's now asking me what products work generally for my hair and is actually taking most of my advice.

When someone is stuck in their old way of doing things, it's hard to adapt to anything new. Plus, when you're coming with new ideas with an attitude that you know better, people are not only left confused but put off. So for now, don't give them anymore of your knowledge and let them continue in their ways while you retain your length, they'll come around. If they don't, just DO YOU.

 

[Aireen]

really? i would in a heart beat. but i have a lot of respect for my mother. we are close and we can get very "sista girl" with each other when it comes to keeping it real.

Totally get you, no sugarcoating mess. My mum and I keep it real without being disrespectful and yes, we get "sista girl", she doesn't pull it off well though...

if i was to get popped in my mouth over something like that, it would be my mother's loss, and i won't loose any sleep. she will be the one crying and wondering why i don't come around her anymore and trying figuring out why she is bald-headed.

@ the way I perceived the bolded. I would lose sleep if someone pooped in my mouth lol. I get you though, I'm just being immature, it was the way I read it. Anyway that whole quote was funny.

 

[MsChelle]

My advice would be to stop doing her hair for her. If you are doing things you know to be unhealthy and are not comfortable just respectfully let her know she needs to have someone else do it. You know if something should go wrong she WILL be pointing the finger at you.

 

[EllePixie]

I agree with those who said to tell your mother that if she does not want you to do her hair properly, you can no longer do it. You can say this to your mother without being disrespectful. I tell my mom that the stuff she uses in her hair is "crap" all of time - she doesn't listen of course, but she knows I'm telling her the truth. You are a grown up, and you two should have mutual respect for one another.

 

[detroitdiva]

I totally understand you situation. My mom is also full of old, inaccurate information from back in the day. She doesn't believe in any of the stuff on this forum or youtube. I always ask her, what is in it for them to lie? The proof is on the pictures!! But she said that nothing topical can grow your hair, its from the inside out! I just pray for her and nod my head. I'm not going to argue with my mom about something that I am passionate about. Smdh....bless her heart. gotta luv em!!

 

[LadyMacgyver]

When her hair starts to break off she will blame you for that because you are her stylist so you might need to tell her now instead of waiting until her hair does break off. Was that safe to put semi pernament hair color in right after the other? From what you are saying if she does get damage to her hair all you know what might break loose with her and I would rather deal with telling her to listen to you if I am going to continue doing your hair than deal with her if she gets breakage or worse..

 

[MyInvisibleChyrsalis]

Maybe it's not so much as the "My mom is driving me crazy with her bad hair habits", as it is, "I'm having a hard time standing up to my mother when it comes to hair" issue. In that case, she's never going to take you seriously unless you lay down some boundaries. Hard to do with moms. Start off small but firm. In your own way, a way that will work with your personal family dynamic, say/show her, "I know what I'm doing and if you want to do things your way, fine, but you don't have to discredit me while doing it."

 

[Vashti]

OP at least convince her, lovingly but firmly, to allow you to deep conditioner her hair each time you do it. That might mitigate some damage. Like a few others said when her hair starts breaking off she will blame you for it so let her know in no uncertain terms that her hair needs to be done the correct way (your way) or else she needs to find someone else to do it. Be respectful but let her know that her way is not going to work for very long if she expects to keep her hair on her head.

 

[PJaye]

Have you ever considered negotiating a "show and prove" with your Mom? This is where you ask her for a specified period of time in which to utilize proper hair care methods, and allow these to speak on your behalf.

For instance, you could say, “Mom, I know we go back and forth a lot about different hair techniques, but I do that because I really, really want to see your hair live up to its fullest potential. So, how about this…you give me, say, three months to, as they say, Show and Prove. During this time, I will use the products and methods I have learned are most beneficial given your hair’s needs and your personal styling preferences. All that is required of you is your consent, cooperation and patience.

If at the end of the three months, your hair is not healthier and thriving, I will forever shut up (insert amicable laugh here) and be the obedient and docile daughter you have come to know and love. Howeverrrr, if your hair has begun to flourish by the end of the three months, (insert a good natured, long-suffering sigh with another amicable laugh here) I promise to tell you everything I know about good hair care practices. So, Mom, what do you say? Will you allow me Show and Prove? Will ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?”

Remember to keep the discussion light and unassuming. HTH!

 

[DaiseeDay]

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. My mom has always been full of uncorrect information. Example, hair grease is a mosturizer, the only way your hair will grow is if you hot comb it..ect. She is the main reason my hair never retained length as a child and the reason why my niece's hair is the same length it was when she was two (she is turning six). She has gracefully brainwashed my sister into believing her way is the right way. My sister has been natural for about 3 years and I have been natural for 10 months and my hair longer than hers. Everytime I try to give her advice she hits me with the "well mama said". Any way that is the tip of this rant

I'm also my mom's hairdresser. I do her relaxers, dyes and wash and sets BUT on her terms. When I tell her she needs to do protein treatments and deep conditioner..she looks at me like I'm Forest Gump or something.
She doesn't care about anything but hair dye..as long as her hair is black as hell she doesn't care. Like today. We are trying a semi permant dye in her hair for the first time. So I put the dye in and let it set for 25 mins like the bottle said. She told me make sure you don't wash it clean..let some of it just stay in..I was like whatever. The dye didn't take all the way..so she made me put more in, and make it stay in for another 25 mins. I'm so tired of her being hard headed..and how she treats me like I know nothing..when I'm the only one in the family that knows how do hair..and I'm the only one who is actually making progress. No, it isn't down my back..but I am retaining length. I don't know if I should stop doing her hair..or what. Because I'm completely tired of all of this!

No disrespect to your mom, but lol at the bold: I always wonder why people will worry so much about coloring their hair, while it's still tore up otherwise (not your mom, but other people I see) I mean, I understand wanting color, but when you don't take care of your hair it's like having a nice colored dress, but it has holes all over it...

Anyway I would just explain to your mom that you're too busy and you don't really have the time to keep doing her hair. If she pushes the issue explain that you especially don't have time to do her hair because it means you have to go back and forth with her about proper hair care; and you're sorry that she's gonna have to pay someone else to do it, but if she wanted you to do her hair (for free), she would respect your knowledge.

 

[AMAKA127]

Sometimes it's better to show them rather then tell them; the proof is in the pudding. When I big chopped and my hair was only an inch and a half long, people looked at me like I was Cray Cray! But now that my hair has grown A LOT they are all of a sudden interested in going natural or asking me what products I use. Just keep doing your thang she'll come around, they ALWAYS do.