Mentally Transitioning... (Not for the easily offended)

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Hello beauties,

I make a lot of threads (I apologize in advance for my 'pointless threads' and for any offenses this thread may cause).
Anyway, here it goes erplexed (I feel just like this):

I am a yr post.
I will admit that I have had to undergoe a mental transition in this transition as well.
I have come to realize that I don't have that "curly" hair or that "easy hair" that is soft and glides easily thought my combs.
Not gonna happen.
In the process of the transition, it is a process of me attempting to embrace what I have and educate myself on ways to nurture what I have.
I used to be one of those people who relaxed because I thought that straight, long hair was more beautiful than afro-textured hair.
After lurking the forums, I have did a complete turn around.
It's still a struggle, but I am making it.

I have always had "long hair" (well, what most ppl would consider long)
The past week, I took the plunge and straightened my hair and saw my BSL, thick and healthy hair swingin' and shinin'. Not to mention, I had cut 3 inches, so I would be approaching MBL had I not cut.
I was getting compliments left and right and the attention from men is just out of this world.
These were compliments and looks that I didnt get with my bun, or other "natural styles"
So, I feel like I took two steps forward, in this year in transitioning and in this week alone, took three steps backwards.
I worry about looking pretty. Who doesn't?

Anyway, I am just wondering does it get better. I went to wash and did my pre-poo and saw my kinks come back and a part of my heart got really sad.
Okay, Im going to be honest and say I even cried.
I cried because I felt like I was going back to mentally where I used to be. I cried because I loved the attention and looks
I cried because I felt resentful of the struggle to detangle and make the NG look 'presentable' by coporate standards.
I cried because I am almost tired of "transitioning".
My plan was to transition for two years or until i was SL stretched with Natural hair, but I don't know ladies.
I am feeling like I need to piss or get off the pot.
I though after the 6-9 month milestone it was going to get easier both physically and mentally?

Anyone else go through this? Is this that bad? Y is my mind doing this?
Any comments, concerns, whatever are appreciated. Am I just not strong enuff to be a natural 4-something?

 

[msa]

I've had this same exact struggle, but with weaves instead of straight hair. Don't feel like you're not "strong enough" to be a natural type 4. That isn't it at all. I've been natural my whole life and it's still an adjustment for me.

Every time I have a weave (longer and thicker than my hair) I get all kinds of compliments and what not. Made me feel great. And then I'd feel bad when I went back to my natural hair and no one said diddly squat. I had to stop wearing fake hair in order to get over it....and it takes time...I still have my weave stash drawer...slowly I'm getting rid of it though.

 

[Diva_Esq]

Thank you for your bravery. I applaud you for writing what lots of people go through.

 

[MummysGirl]

I won't be surprised if A LOT of people are going through/or have been through your exact same thought processes.

My friend recently said he loved how my hair looked last summer ('08) all long and straight... he asked that I should please not cut my hair anytime soon

It doesn't help when you get positive reactions when your hair is in an "acceptable" state and you you get hounded to relax your hair when you have months of natural new growth visible to everyone to see.

I think what you need to do is keep stalking fotkis and sites of your hair relatives, look at they styles they do that you love and work towards achieving those styles when you're done transitioning.

I'd also suggest treating yourself to straightening your hair once in a while... also remember you can straighten your hair as a natural too.

One thing I like about transitioning at this moment is there are sooo many ladies transitioning right now... so many who recently ended their long/short term transitions so we are really lucky we have a lot of people to inspire us. A lot of people who can relate to what we are going through....

I really hope you feel better

 

[finickyone]

I think its normal to have the feelings that you are experiencing. My relaxed hair was never that deep for me, so other then fighting with the two textures, my transition is moving along fine. I think my texture is 4b & I also had what most people other then lhcf would consider long hair, but I have had no problems with cutting here or there. If I was transitioning & not wearing an updo or half wig, I probably would have bc a long time ago.

Based on what you wrote, sounds like how you will look & how others will perecive your beauty is your biggest hurdle. I have always loved natural hair & sometimes would only relax twice a year, so I was aware that I would be venturing on this road soon. I don't think the way I wore my hair can be contributed to more male attention. I've worn my hair super short with the back & sides tapered & sometimes even shaved. I've worn dread lock extensions, braids, weaves, & if anything the dread locks might have gotten me more attention then any other style. Not trying to downplay your feelings or your experieince, jsut saying I don't recall that being the case for me. Maybe you love natural hair on other people but not necessarily on yourself. There are some beautiful heads of natural hair on this forum, so I think its easy to be influenced. If you realize that being natural is not for you, its okay. You have a lovely head of hair to relax & if anything this experience taught you that you can stretch your relaxer with the tools that you have learned. Good luck!

 

[jamaraa]

Look you feel as many different ways about your hair as there are days in the year...even more! LOL Don't beat yourself up about it. There IS no one way to feel about it.

 

[kooskoos]

Don't feel bad boo! Everyone wants to be accepted! This will definitely get easier for you. Once you completely accept your natural hair and fall in love with it, you'll be less concerned with whether or not you receive attention from other people.

 

[NikStarrr]

Your honesty is refreshing! I think many of us went through this while transitioning or shortly after BCing. You'll get through it!

 

[purplepeace79]

The past week, I took the plunge and straightened my hair and saw my BSL, thick and healthy hair swingin' and shinin'. Not to mention, I had cut 3 inches, so I would be approaching MBL had I not cut.
I was getting compliments left and right and the attention from men is just out of this world.

Men, I find, also give into the social standards of what is supposed to be cute or sexy, and usually, that involves length. It makes women seem more feminine I guess. That is going to come with the territory, but think of it this way: Do you want attention from a man who would ignore you if you changed your hair? How fickle must a guy be if he only pays you attention when your hair looks long? A man of substance would find you equally attractive with your natural hair. A man of substance would appreciate a woman who wears her hair naturally with confidence. Its like being overweight and losing it, and then struggling with the "Would you have noticed me 100 lbs ago?" Its hard, and definitely a test.

These were compliments and looks that I didnt get with my bun, or other "natural styles"
So, I feel like I took two steps forward, in this year in transitioning and in this week alone, took three steps backwards.
I worry about looking pretty. Who doesn't?

Mentally, you have to believe that natural IS pretty. For so long, people have been telling us (or we've been telling ourselves) that natural isnt pretty or attractive, when its actually really beautiful. So maybe if you focus on pictures of gorgeous natural women, you will become truly convinced that natural is beautiful and pretty.


I cried because I felt resentful of the struggle to detangle and make the NG look 'presentable' by coporate standards.

What corporate standards? I know so many women who say this, but then I see so many women with locs, fros, twists, etc working in corporate sectors. I'm wondering who is putting that pressure on us to conform?


I cried because I am almost tired of "transitioning".
My plan was to transition for two years or until i was SL stretched with Natural hair, but I don't know ladies.

Many people cant be long term transitioners. I'm personally not a fan of transitioning, but most folks I know who do it usually cut/chop before their goal date. They just get annoyed with dealing with two textures.

I am feeling like I need to piss or get off the pot.
I though after the 6-9 month milestone it was going to get easier both physically and mentally?

Our collective psyche has been poisoned to reject everything associated with being Black. It will tkae more than 6-9 months to change your mind.

Anyone else go through this? Is this that bad? Y is my mind doing this?
Any comments, concerns, whatever are appreciated. Am I just not strong enuff to be a natural 4-something?

I never went through it because I hated being relaxed. I was 16, in high school, and practically shaved my head lol. I'm always bothered by the fact that women feel they have to be "strong" to be who they are, naturally. Its unfortunate that you and others are put into these positions where it requires so much strength to just let your hair grow out the way it was meant to be. I wish that who we are and how we look naturally was the norm and that people never ever felt that they had to change it to be beautiful.

I think maybe you should chop now. But thats just me lol

 

[newbiemom]

I feel you. I bc in April and my hubby always says nice things about how I look, I decided to get my hair straightend for my fil b day party and myhubby was all over me. This is the same man who tells me he doesn't want any weaves or relaxers in my hair but his reaction was loving my hair straight .He said I look sexier.idk

 

[Ltown]

Oh I'm sorry you feel this way. You are not alone in your transition frustrations. Hopefully you'll find that transition style you love to make it easier!

 

[gissellr78]

You are brave i applaud you...Alot of us are on the same boat...natural or not?

 

[Nonie]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know if I can tell you it gets easier because for me, I have only ever admired long hair. Not any other texture. I truly never cared and because I wore natural hair for more years than I wore it relaxed, I'm more at home with it and never had to "get used" to it. As I've learned more about how to handle it, I've grown a bit of a big head and think my hair is da bomb even if some might disagree. Perhaps being so self-centered that I only paid attention to my own hair and only tried to learn what it alone can do is partly why I am almost oblivious and clueless to what other hairs do.

Like when I joined this forum, I was more interested in seeing naturals with hair like mine and to see what their hair could accomplished and hardly opened relaxed threads. Later when I made friends with relaxed folks, I'd pop in to see updates etc, but I couldn't give you any info on how to handle any textures that aren't like mine or relaxed hair because I've just never bothered to learn, being so consumed with getting to explore my own hair.

So maybe looking at Fotkis of those with your hair type and seeing what they do can help you get more "at home" with it. I have seen some threads where people share how they "risked" wearing their natural hair out and got lots of compliments and how it boost their confidence to experience that feedback. So learning how to bring out the best in YOUR hair and not how to make it look like so-and-so's hair may draw to you just the attention you get when it's straight. The attention that makes you feel special. And in time you just may realize what a wealth of styling options you have now.

Check out LynnieB's inspirational thread and indulge yourself in albums like Mwedzi's replete with styles. In time, you will start to really enjoy your hair, coz besides being able to wear more styles than a lot of other textures, you can also go from a TWA to long flowing strands within a few hours by changing a shrinkage that's patted low to a press that is allowed to hang free.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Thank you ladies, so much for your advice.
I was so resentful of my hair for a few days.
Even today, I woke up and saw my dull-looking NG and I was thinking "here we go again".
I feel like my thick hair is a blessing and a curse.

I am just going to get some braids on Friday, hopefully that will buy me 6 weeks.
I don't know.
I was thinking if i DID relax, there is no way I am ABLE to relax this NG.
It's too long and thick.
That would mean i would have to go to a professional and I DO NOT trust anyone with my hair besides my sister. She lives across the US so that's out.

I almost want to shave my head.

Oh, I DO have a man, but it is nice to feel attractive, even from outside sources.
He has been very supportive in my transition, but when I straightened my hair, he got tipsy and accidently gave me too much truth.
His EXACT words:
"Luv, you are gorgeous, but when you're hair is straightened, it makes me go crazy. I mean, it's so long and stuff.

*points to his bff* Y'all see my baby got that good hair. **** Chris Rock ol' skinny a**, he ain't talkin 'bout my baby" (I'm thinking no, but he talking bout YOU saying good hair and all..lemme not digress)

I then said "You know how I feel about 'good hair'.
He then goes on to tell me that he loves my hair and is anticipating my going natural but sometimes he kinda doesn't want me to go natural.
I ask him why and he said
"because Im scared you won't do nothing with it, like you don't do nothing with your hair now".
I get silent...
..I mean... I do stuff with my hair. A lot of stuff. My guess is his "nothing"=straightening it.
I told him it hurt my feelings he said "you know you sexy, and I ain't hurt yo feelings" and he brushed it off.
This and other stuff kinda validated my feelings.

Anyway, someone asked me about corporate. Let's just say I work in education and I am one of four blacks (and only one in a leadership role) of 200 employees.
My hair DOES matter in my professional appearance.

Thank you all for the tips and advice.

 

[Diva_Esq]

Thanks for the additional honesty about how men can be brutal about hair. We've ALL experienced that with someone. Hang in honey and do YOU for YOU! **big hug**

 

[knt1229]

I then said "You know how I feel about 'good hair'.
He then goes on to tell me that he loves my hair and is anticipating my going natural but sometimes he kinda doesn't want me to go natural.
I ask him why and he said
"because Im scared you won't do nothing with it, like you don't do nothing with your hair now".
I get silent...
..I mean... I do stuff with my hair. A lot of stuff. My guess is his "nothing"=straightening it.
I told him it hurt my feelings he said "you know you sexy, and I ain't hurt yo feelings" and he brushed it off.
This and other stuff kinda validated my feelings.

Anyway, someone asked me about corporate. Let's just say I work in education and I am one of four blacks (and only one in a leadership role) of 200 employees.
My hair DOES matter in my professional appearance.

Thank you all for the tips and advice.

It sounds to me that your boyfriend is referring to the way you style your hair. It's not the straightness of the hair but the style. Based on his comments it sounds like he likes your texture but he may not like the styles you wear.

Keep in mind that if you are uncomfortable with something other people can tell. So you may not get compliments and attention with natural hair because YOU don't think you're attractive with natural hair and that comes across to other people thus the lack of compliments. The reverse is true too. If you feel beautiful, attractive, and sexy with straight hair you will attract more people and get more compliments with straight hair.

And as for corporate America how you style your hair makes all the difference. Not texture but style.

Natural hair is not a career killer but unkempt and badly styled hair can be.

 

[SherylsTresses]

Sounds like a prelude to Maya Angelou's, "Yesterday, I Cried" .......

But honestly, I feel as I might not like myself in the tiny braids erplexed as I'm so used to having APL-MBL straight hair and yeah, the men love it! But I "plan" to follow Longhairdontcare2011's styles from her youtube videos.

 

[Amerie123]

Hopefully at the end of the day, you do what makes you happy, even if it means relaxing it, or being a natural that straightens all the time. i thank you for your honesty and it gave me another outlook on transitioning.

 

[Soliel185]

It is most definitely a mental transition - and your man has to transition along with you.

We've all been there - trust. I transitioned for 7 1/2 months before putting in a relaxer on a whim b/c the outside pressure got to be too much. As soon as I did it I regretted it and I started re-transitioning immediately.

Now that I've BC'd and I see the (mostly)positive reactions of people around me, and all the ladies I've inspired on the board I feel prouder and more attractive than ever, honestly. Are there men that aren't checking for me now that I'm rockin a fro? Yes. But it seems that for every one of those, there's 5 that love it and can't wait to tell me so.

My SO has always preferred straight to curly hair. When I first chopped he was very . In the past couple months I've noticed his attitude change. He plays with my puff. He'll stroke my coils. Sometimes he just smooshes the whole fro together and fluffs it a little. Because he loves me, he has learned to love my hair so your SO can come around too.

 

[SherylsTresses]

^^^^^^^My SO has always referred straight to curly hair. When I first chopped he was very . In the past couple months I've noticed his attitude change. He plays with my puff. He'll stroke my coils. Sometimes he just smooshes the whole fro together and fluffs it a little. Because he loves me, he has learned to love my hair so your SO can come around too.


Oooohhhhhh..... Seriously, that's very sweet.

 

[purplepeace79]

Thanks for the additional honesty about how men can be brutal about hair. We've ALL experienced that with someone. Hang in honey and do YOU for YOU! **big hug**

Thats the thing, I haven't. Maybe it's been my environment or the people I interact with, but I've never ever had a guy make a nasty or rude comment about my natural hair or say he wishes it was straight. And it breaks my heart to read when sisters go through this. Its a mess! The nerve of some of these men!! I'm sorry for you ladies that have dealt with this. I'm even more sorry for any man who DOES come at me like that LOL

 

[purplepeace79]

Keep in mind that if you are uncomfortable with something other people can tell. So you may not get compliments and attention with natural hair because YOU don't think you're attractive with natural hair and that comes across to other people thus the lack of compliments. The reverse is true too. If you feel beautiful, attractive, and sexy with straight hair you will attract more people and get more compliments with straight hair.

And as for corporate America how you style your hair makes all the difference. Not texture but style.

Natural hair is not a career killer but unkempt and badly styled hair can be.

Cosigning this.
People feed off of the energy you put out. When you appear insecure, people start wondering what might be wrong with you that you feel insecure about. You have to walk up in the piece like "I'm here, and what??!! Be happy I'm here to grace you with my presence!!"

And in education, I'm still not understanding how your hair is affecting anything. Are you saying you wont get respect/promotions/etc without having straight hair?

 

[Barbie83]

I'm so glad you had the courage to be honest. Because if I were ever to transition, this is probably how I would feel. If I go natural, I'd want to be a straight natural, because I just feel that it would be better on me personally.

have you thought about BKT?

 

[Mercie]

Do whatever makes you happy =]

 

[MonPetite]

This thread has blessed me tremendously. Thank you OP and all who have and will post.

 

[Chevelure618]

First of all Zee, thank you for having the guts to be upfront about this issue.

I've often thought that growing Afro-textured hair is not just a matter of a regimen and products, but it is a psychological reconditioning. Think Pavlov's dogs. We've grown up in a society where the standard of beauty is long, pin-straight hair on a blue-eyed blonde with a high forehead. We go into any store and see something as simple as a comb, and sometimes can't use it on our hair. Makes one feel different and unaccepted...even unacceptable.

Relaxers have given us a false sense of security for years. One old-style hairdresser even told me that people wear relaxers for so long that they think they have "good hair". Grrrrr. But true.

Zee, it's the way you look at things in life. Straightening makes the hair more manageable. It is not a value judgement. It is not a medical treatment. It is not a secret or a punishment. It is making being a girl a little bit easier in the morning before work.

I grew up in a white neighborhood so I've seen the downside of their hair. My grandmother used to say their hair was so "stringy". Their hair doesn't hold a curl well. Pin-straight hair CANNOT have an afro, puffs, nice juicy braids or twists. I saw an employee of mine turn green with envy once when I walked in with a braid-out. "HOW do you DO that to your hair?"..Me: I just braid it after I wash it.".....Beautiful shade of green her face was.

Anyway. When you want to turn some brother's head with your swangin' hair, flat iron. Love your hair when it's wet and shrinks. You are not your hair. You are not your hair. It's just hair. IT'S JUST HAIR. And it is God's gift to you to enhance your natural beauty.

De-programming our minds in this country from constant racial assault takes time. Obama's election is helping to heal the sickness called American Racism...and for that reason he is the best thing that has happened to this country. But it will take time....just like loving our hair.

YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL. YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL. Straight, shrunken, relaxed or natural. Know that.

 

[Daughter]

Girl! I remember going through this, hence trying to transition twice before I truly stuck with the journey. You brought back some feelings I had when I was 6 months or so post relaxer on my second transition attempt.

At some point you will gradually realise that your natural hair is just a fierce as your hair when it's straight - just stick with it, and remember that you at least have your online support if it's lacking offline

 

[vestaluv1]

It is sad, but this is just how society is on the whole.
I'm sort of going through the same thing (I'm a year into my transition).
It's not only about straight hair though... its also about 'long' hair.
Honestly, if it wasn't for certain peoples view, including my BF's and dads, I would BC. I know it shouldn't be that way .
When I say I want to cut my hair, people just don't understand at all (especially since I've grown it out).

So, I want to at least transition for another year and take it from there.

A mental transition is truly a big part of this, but I think it will just take time.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

WOW, I just felt your hurt, for real, girl. I have transitioned before 8 times and each time, I just relaxed due to frustration. I am now 6 months into my 9th transition. I am slowly learning more things about my natural hair and ways that I can make my hair and myself feel pretty. Take your time. Don't let anyone pressure your decision. We will be here to support you. Your thread was so *here*. I can so relate.

 

[lilsparkle825]

I've had this same exact struggle, but with weaves instead of straight hair. Don't feel like you're not "strong enough" to be a natural type 4. That isn't it at all. I've been natural my whole life and it's still an adjustment for me.

Every time I have a weave (longer and thicker than my hair) I get all kinds of compliments and what not. Made me feel great. And then I'd feel bad when I went back to my natural hair and no one said diddly squat. I had to stop wearing fake hair in order to get over it....and it takes time...I still have my weave stash drawer...slowly I'm getting rid of it though.

If you have any high quality hair you need to get rid of, I AM HERE FOR YOU.

OP, we all have those days. I just went back to curly after a month straight and almost felt bald due to all the shrinkage. I really felt bad for a day or two...until I remembered the hair accessories I bought recently. I put a flower in my hair, went through the BIG BODACIOUS HAIR thread, and felt 10 times better the next morning. Or just think of it this way: you are here to be an inspiration to someone. When you BC, your pictures or presence will inspire someone to go natural themselves, or at the very least, think of the possibilities of doing so. You'll know when it's time to cut...or you'll know when it's time to relax. Just breathe.