locabouthair
Well-Known Member
I'd run for the hills.
Men That Hit Women (Past, Present, Future)
- Thread starter deltadreamland
- Start date
I can accept it only in cases where it was self-defense and she had a weapon (not just her hands). All people have a right to defend themselves from gunshots, stab wounds, and hot irons, and a woman can seriously hurt a man if she has the right weapon. Outside of these situations, no.
Can yall give tips so those of us who are naive will know what to check for?
deltadreamland
Well-Known Member
I can comment on this. Let me put my contact lens in and I'll be back.
LBoogie85
Active Member
I know this wasn't directed at me, but here are a few signs from my experience. Watch out for guys who are extremely clingy/possessive or really jealous. Also, guys who are really controlling (obviously). It's usually very subtle at first and lots of women (myself included) mistake jealousy for love. Watch out for guys who are really manipulative and can make you doubt your own thoughts and feelings.
I think I read somewhere that abusive guys are really charismatic, so it may be hard to convince yourself and others that the person is wrong or not good for you. Also, a major red flag is when a guy doesn't want you to hang around your family/friends and wants to keep you all to himself. Another is someone who speaks very negatively about his exes and justifies mistreatment of said ex. Example: My ex told me a story about how his previous gf attacked him and he was "forced" to defend himself by "pushing" (read: punching) her in her face. He said it was a reflex
The result - a swollen eye for her and he took her out of town for the weekend (so her family couldn't see the damage). In hindsight, I know this should've been a major red flag for me, but his story was beleivable and I was young and dumb and didn't know any better. My ex was abusive and when I first got with him, he was the perfect guy. He wanted to be around me ALL THE TIME and my family loved him. He flipped when I started to miss my family/friends and wanted to hang around them more. He would literally try to hang out with just me and my girls and get mad when I wouldn't oblige. He had me doubting myself and believing everything he would say. And when I finally decided to leave him, my family looked at me like I was crazy because they had only witnessed (and I had only told them) how great a guy he was. They were giving me the major side eye until I moved back in with my mom and he started stalking me. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but the point that I'm trying to make is all abusive guys aren't obviously crazy at first. It can be very subtle and hard to spot until you're deep into the crazyness. At least, that's my experience.
Like someone said up thread, I am very wary of guys who display any sign of abusive tendencies. I refuse to date jealous/possessive men and will run like h*ll if any guys admits to me that they have ever hit a woman, even if she attacked him. He could have been justified, but I will not take that chance again.
I hope this helps someone.
faithVA
Well-Known Member
Sorry Charz, I didn't know you asked a question until one of the posts scrolled through on ISpy.
My first tip is for people to realize that the abuse sequence is verbal far more than it is physical. We are taught to tolerate verbal abuse and to focus on physical abuse. But usually by the time a guy is physically abusive he has been verbally and emotionally abusing her for months. The more a woman has been verbally abused by her family/friends/society the more quickly a man can then abuser her physically.
If you pay attention to how a man talks to you, then the probability that you will be physically abused is greatly reduced.
As one of the previous posters acknowledged, abusers are often very charismatic, which throws women off. But an abuser chips away at your character and sense of self. His goal is to make her doubt herself, think that she is wrong, make her apologize, make her back down. His language will progressively be about what's wrong with her, what she did wrong, what she always does wrong. He will try to shame her, make her feel guilty.
It may be subtle but he does more and more over time to use his language to make her feel small and less valued. And only after she feels this way will he start the physical abuse. She already has started to doubt her own value and so when the abuse starts, she no longer has a solid sense of self to lead her in the right direction.
Pay attention to how people talk to you and pay attention to how you react when people are disrespecting you. As long as you remain intolerant of someone devaluing you when they speak to you, you will be fine.
That is a major red flag that he could get himself in to a situation that escalated to that point. So nah, I couldn't accept it.
Just like if some woman fights ALL of her boyfriends, there is something about her that she draws abusive boyfriends. All of this IMHO, may or may not be true.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
@LBoogie85 and @faithVA, I'm really glad one of the first things you mentioned is how these men can be very charismatic because I think that's how a lot of women get caught up and caught off guard. I remember reading somewhere that it's a characteristic a lot of sociopaths have. Both Scott Peterson and Charles Manson have been described by people in their circle as being extremely charismatic.
Kudos to the rest of yours posts as well, I think you both did a great job of breaking it down. I hope no one is in this situation currently, but if so, I hope it helped.
Kudos to the rest of yours posts as well, I think you both did a great job of breaking it down. I hope no one is in this situation currently, but if so, I hope it helped.
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deltadreamland
Well-Known Member
The other ladies summed up the signs. As was mentioned earlier, his whole tone just changed after I refused to bow down to him and his whims. He went from being very sweet to all of a sudden using profanity. A person that uses profanity toward me is an automatic deal breaker and one of the most ultimate forms of disrespect. I was more than happy to give him his walking papers.
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