Inviting the church to the wedding?

[cookiemonster287]

I've been going back and forth on this for almost a year, and its getting to the point where I have to make a decision now.

I am a very active member of my church and I've actually been attending since I was a baby. It is a very small church (about 200 members).

I'm not close at all to any of the members except the pastor. The people I have gotten close to have left (moved or went to another church for some reason).
I like them, but not enough to spend money to make everything look nice for them.

Because I attend the church so regularly (and my pastor announced the engagement to everyone), I feel like I have to have them at the wedding.

Honestly I don't want to be bothered with it, but I feel a little guilty. If we just get married without them knowing, I know my pastor is going to stand us up and announce that we're married and everyone is going to ask questions about why they weren't invited and/or gossip about us.

Has anyone invited their church to their wedding? And did you do it because you actually cared for them to be there, or because you felt like you had to?

 

[kikigirl]

My church is too large to include all members on my wedding guest list. But I'm inviting the associate pastor and wifey ( he will be doing the ceremony), and folks from SG -the regular ones who've known me for a while. I think people will understand that weddings are expensive, and you can't just invite every Harry, Tom and Joe. It ain't a soup kitchen! Those plate/guest = $$$

 

[SmileyNY]

Why don't you ask the pastor to do a special mini commitment ceremony during service one sunday because you "wanted the church share your special moment.". They will eat it up & you will save money.

 

[cookiemonster287]

My church is too large to include all members on my wedding guest list. But I'm inviting the associate pastor and wifey ( he will be doing the ceremony), and folks from SG -the regular ones who've known me for a while. I think people will understand that weddings are expensive, and you can't just invite every Harry, Tom and Joe. It ain't a soup kitchen! Those plate/guest = $$$

Yeah thats true.
But thats the problem with me being at a small church....I can actually invite them without it getting too expensive....but I just don't want to.
I think they would understand better if it was a larger church.
And actually some of them have offered to help with expenses, so if I really wanted to, I could invite them.
So I can't really use the money as an excuse...wish I could.

ETA: The money isn't the problem, its the fact of spending money on people that I don't care to much to be there.

 

[CandiceC]

Where is the wedding? If it's at the church you can do a cake/ greet the couple reception right after the wedding and then leave for the real reception. Especially considering you aren't close to any of the members.

If it's not at the church I would only invite a select few from the church to the wedding and reception.

 

[cookiemonster287]

Why don't you ask the pastor to do a special mini commitment ceremony during service one sunday because you "wanted the church share your special moment.". They will eat it up & you will save money.

I thought about this.
My pastor will most likely bring us up anyway the Sunday after we're married.

I don't know though.
Someone else did that, and people were pretty cruel.

Maybe I'm too worried about what they will think, but I just don't want us to be talked about badly.

 

[cookiemonster287]

Where is the wedding? If it's at the church you can do a cake/ greet the couple reception right after the wedding and then leave for the real reception. Especially considering you aren't close to any of the members.

If it's not at the church I would only invite a select few from the church to the wedding and reception.

The wedding is in July.
My pastor announced it.....so makes it hard not to invite them.


But this is EXACTLY what I was going to do.
But I recently found out someone was saying bad things about us to my sister and it made me not want to do it at all.
Maybe I should just put my feelings aside and suck it up.

 

[avi1derful]

If they're talking badly about you why invite them to your wedding? It's a special moment for your husband and you and your families, please don't let those church members sully your day. They're probably going to talk whether they are invited or not.
Personally I want a small wedding because I don't want anyone there talking about me on my dime.

 

[kikigirl]

Yeah thats true.
But thats the problem with me being at a small church....I can actually invite them without it getting too expensive....but I just don't want to.
I think they would understand better if it was a larger church.
And actually some of them have offered to help with expenses, so if I really wanted to, I could invite them.
So I can't really use the money as an excuse...wish I could.

ETA: The money isn't the problem, its the fact of spending money on people that I don't care to much to be there.

I see the dilemma. But at the core of everything, the wedding should be a time for you and the folks you WANT around celebrating with you.

I like the idea of a mini-commitment ceremony at church!!

 

[kikigirl]

I just saw the update. That is a tight spot. But at the same time, know that unless your wedding guest list is unlimited, you'll have to disappoint some well-meaning (and some not so well-meaning) folks.

I think once you get used to that idea, you'll have a clearer perception of who to invite.

It was hard setting up that list. I left off many people that I knew would be ruffled the wrong way. But my basic reasoning was "I don't care enough for you to have you witness this special/intimate moment in my life. This is my day for being selfish and wanting the people that I really WANT!"

If the gossiping folks aren't satisfied with cake/drinks as a commemorative gesture at church, that's their issue to deal with.

 

[cookiemonster287]

If they're talking badly about you why invite them to your wedding? It's a special moment for your husband and you and your families, please don't let those church members sully your day. They're probably going to talk whether they are invited or not.
Personally I want a small wedding because I don't want anyone there talking about me on my dime.

You're sooooo right, and this is what I'm thinking, but I guess I'm too soft because I feel guilty about wanting it to be all about us.

 

[cookiemonster287]

Thanks everyone, I guess I'll just take the beating I might get and be happy with it being just us and the family....I'm not gonna lie I still feel bad about it though.

 

[niknakmac]

My pastor just asked me last week if my wedding was going to be open to church members. I was like uhhhhhhhh NO. I am not close to anyone at the church like that. We talk when I am at church but I don't talk to or see them outside of church so why would I be spending my dollars on them? I didn't give him that explanation though, I just told him I am having a small wedding only family and my closest friends which is true...

 

[stephluv]

Do what you want OP! People will understand and those that cant understand are just trying to go to be nosy lol

at my church even the Pastor's daughter couldnt invite everyone...mind you she had enough of the church in the wedding party lol Our Pastor just made a few remarks during announcements that as much as he would love to invite the whole church He couldnt lol One of my best friends couldnt invite me to the reception- she had a ceremony that was open to everyone but the reception was limited to about 2%ppl We didnt complain then and wont now lol

 

[BGT]

Thanks everyone, I guess I'll just take the beating I might get and be happy with it being just us and the family....I'm not gonna lie I still feel bad about it though.

Maybe it's just me, but I would not feel bad about not having people I know or like share in my special day. It's called special for a reason. It's your wedding, do what you want!

I do like the idea of having cake and punch after the service.

 

[CandiedLipgloss]

How did it turn out cookiemonster287?

 

[Kurlee]

bumping!!!

 

[cookiemonster287]

CandiedLipgloss

It turned out great! Thanks for asking!

I ended up having cake and cider for everyone, and after that our family and close friends went to a restaurant.

The people that came didn't care about food and was just really happy for us.
It was wonderful and I learned that I need to stop thinking about what others think of me and just do what makes me happy!

 

[CoilyFields]

Glad it turned out ok OP.

I had the same delimma and we are close with a lot of folks at the church so it was even harder. But what we did was Invite every one to the ceremony (which took place at the church) and then only invited family to the reception. During announcements they recited the church's official invitation and noted that the reception was private for family only. That took care of that.